replacing old thoughts with new ones

I woke up with the lyrics to "So Pathetic" by Local H running through my head. I haven't heard this song in forever! The part looping over and over in my head is:

"Born to be down
I've learned all my leasons before now
Born to be down
I think you'll get use to it

And you just don't get it
Keep it copacetic
And you learn to accept it
you know you're so pathetic

And you don't"

Of course there is more to the song but this is on repeat. Exploring the meaning of the song for myself, I initially thought, "Why on earth am I thinking to myself that I am pathetic? Haven't I gotten past this terrible self-doubting, limiting thought yet?" Then I realized, "Yes I have."

To me the song is saying "You just don't get it do you? You are supposed to think your pathetic, you are supposed to let society and what others think of you keep you down, but YOU DON'T! You weren't born to be down! You don't have to live with that thought in your mind! You don't have to accept what was taught to you by others who think the same thing about themselves! You don't have to accept it! YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC!"

A second thought, a deeper thought that is occurring to me is: this is a fear, a limiting thought, coming to the surface so I can address it and let it go. It may be my ego realizing that I am letting go of any thoughts of my being pathetic and the ego is afraid of change. It is comfortable thinking such limiting thoughts because that is how I have always thought. The ego is unfamiliar with the new ideas that are starting to become rooted in my mind, in my conscious, and it is trying to force me to listen to this song over and over again in an attempt to destroy these higher thoughts. The ego wants to revert my thinking back to what it was before. My ego is throwing a tantrum!

"Dear ego, you're ok. It is going to be alright. I know you are scared, I know you think I can't do this, I know we've been down this road before and have given up after a short time. But I am different this time. Trust me. I love you. I believe in myself, I trust my higher self and the empowering thoughts I am allowing to root in my consciousness. I acknowledge your fear, and I let it go. I love you."

A song has different meanings for whomever is listening to it, that is the beauty of music.  I used to think I was pathetic. I used to think I was born to be down, that a good life was only meant for a limited few, and I was not included in that list of the chosen. I no longer think that way. I now see that life is meant to be lived abundantly and it is our responsibility to live that way. The Universe is an abundant, limitless, infinite place and there is enough for everyone to be on the list of the "chosen". So I will be singing my new favorite song (Levitate by Hadouken) to myself today (watch the video People are Awesome 2013 at the bottom):

Heart in my mouth, but my head in the clouds yeah
I can feel it rising
Bound to the Earth but, we could ascend yeah
I’m realizing

Chorus:
I feel both feet lift off the ground
I can levitate
With every truth that leaves I close my eyes
And levitate

I just know
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
The air is electric, the higher the scent is
I can feel it charging
I’ll never forget you with transcending
I don’t know we started

Chorus
I feel both feet lift off the ground
I can levitate
With every truth that leaves I close my eyes
And levitate
I levitate

Heart in my mouth, but my head in the clouds yeah
I can feel it rising
Bound to the Earth but, we could ascend yeah
I’m realizing

Chorus
I feel both feet lift off the ground
I can levitate
With every truth that leaves I close my eyes
And levitate

I just know
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I can levitate
I can levitate

Chorus
I feel both feet lift off the ground
I can levitate
With every truth that leaves I close my eyes
And levitate
I levitate

Creative Consciousness

Wow...I can't think of how to start....let me just say that I am looking at the world very differently lately. I was getting so bogged down with self-pity and loathing. I would complain about people being negative but I think I was one of the most negative people I knew! I can't say what day I decided to be different but it's been within the last month or so. It doesn't really matter, does it? Trying to figure out what day my attitude and thus my life changed is like trying to figure out when the Universe started. It doesn't matter when it started, all that matters is that it did! I have never felt so connected to the Universe before. A few years back when I was in my self-improvement stage I thought I was connected, but it didn't feel like this! I thought I was ready back then but I wasn't because I gave it up too quickly. I may have changed on the surface but deep inside I was still clinging to my ego and my desire to be miserable. My desire to be miserable....I bet a lot of people know exactly what I am talking about. My need to be miserable, my fear of being happy was unconscious but it was very strong. I could get myself to feel pretty good (my idea of happy was feeling pretty good) but it never lasted long and it was so weak, the slightest little bump in the road could send me into a tailspin. I gave up. I shelved my self-improvement books, I didn't go to the Spirituality section in the book store anymore, I stopped appreciating what I had and concentrated so much on what I didn't have, 100% convinced that I would never have it. I made fun of all the positive posts on fb and quietly judged the people around me that were actively trying to be more positive. My life is good: I live in a decent apartment, I have a good job that I really love, I have a good car, I have friends and family that I can depend on, I have more now then I ever have and I have been more stable for the last 5 years then I have ever been. Despite the good in my life I just didn't see it. It was like I had poop-colored glasses on instead of rose-colored glasses. I bought the book The Secret when it first came out, maybe 6 years ago? I watched the movie. I read all the Conversation with God books. I was trying so hard to apply the Law of Attraction to my life and it worked now & then, but I just couldn't figure out why money wasn't falling out of the sky and why my pos car was still in the driveway instead of a brand new Audi A4. I was constantly disappointed when I would ask for something, try to manifest it, and it didn't appear instantly before my eyes. I found it very difficult to ACT wealthy while I was shopping and had to make sure I knew exactly how much money I was spending and that 90% of the food in the cart was store brand. "Act as if you already have everything you desire" is what The Secret was telling me. Ok, how do I do that when I'm behind on my rent, behind on my utility bill, I have no gas to get to work, etc? But I must have missed the message back then. I wasn't ready to receive it or my negative thoughts and feelings were blocking the true message from getting through. It isn't about ACTING like you already have what you desire. It is about feeling the feeling that you will have when you do have what you desire, feel that feeling NOW! Emotions are the key. When you are upset, nervous, irritated, sad, pissed off, grouchy, when you don't want to talk to anyone or do anything, when you say "I just don't care anymore", you are in a negative state. You are putting negativity out into the Universe and the Universe is sending it back to you. You get what you send out. It's like sending yourself a letter. If I write myself an ugly letter filled with yuck and hate and poop and sadness and boohoo meeeee, that is the letter I am going to get in my mailbox! The feeling that I get when I open a letter like that is yuckie, hateful, poopy, sad, etc. Can I blame the mailman for delivering that sort of letter to me? It's not his fault! I wrote it, I put it in the envelope, I addressed it to myself, and I put the stamp on it and sent it out! The mailman is just the messenger, it's not his fault what he's delivering! Not to mention the fact that I know what's in the letter yet I waste so much energy dreading it's arrival, then act surprised and upset when it gets to me with it's pages fully of yuck and ugliness. It really is a vicious cycle, a silly cycle, but it isn't an endless cycle. I can rewrite the letter at anytime! That's what I did, I burned the ugly letter and wrote myself a new one! I am so grateful for my life, every aspect of my life. Every tough time, easy time, every day that I thought I couldn't make it, every day that I couldn't wait for the day to start, every person who has ever been kind to me and every person who has ever hurt me (and vice versa!)! I mediate using free guided meditations on youtube. I say affirmations everyday, Taylor and I even made what I call "affirmation beads" together. They are like rosary beads only much cooler and without the cross. I added symbols that are meaningful to me! I write in my journal. I am reading a really cool book called The Divine Matrix by Gregg Braden. It's about Quantum Physics and how we are all connected to everything, we are part of the Universe and we are the Universe. I have been reading about the Law of Attraction again. I've been reading Wendy Betterini, she has this website http://www.opentoprosperity.com and it is written so simply. I've also been to a couple of guided meditations with a friend from work and those have been just incredible! I've had a couple emotional bumps and a couple strange experiences but I have been able to center myself much easier then ever before. I find myself smiling a lot! If I do get upset I face it, I experience it, then I let it go. That ALONE is life changing! I've also realized that abundance comes in many forms, it isn't just about money. To attract more abundance into my life I imagine what it will feel like to have everything I desire and I let myself feel that feeling now! It's so simple! Just take a second to imagine what it will feel like to, oh let's say, win the lottery. Your heart starts to pound as you realize that your numbers match all the numbers in the drawing, you start smiling, laughing, maybe even crying! You are more excited then you have ever been in your entire life! Can you feel it? While you are feeling that feeling, be grateful for what you already have! I grew up Catholic. We went to church almost every Sunday. I made my first communion, I was even confirmed. But I quit going to church as soon as I was old enough to decide for myself. It never felt true in my heart. I was pretty ugly towards any sort of religious person for a while, especially against Catholics and Christians. I really don't know why other then I was judging them. Anyway, I still remember the part of mass where the priest is preparing the bread and wine. The congregation participates in this part of the mass by saying "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you. Only say the word and I shall be healed." I was thinking about that recently and I was struck by this thought, "No WONDER I have self-esteem issues and think that I don't deserve the blessings that this world has to offer! Every Sunday I blindly repeated to myself and everyone around me that I wasn't worthy of God's love! I proclaimed it to GOD HIMSELF!!" In that instant I said out loud, "I AM worthy to receive you, Thank you for saying the word for I have been healed!" It changed my life. We all are worthy of "God's" love, whomever your God is. Have a beautiful day! But if it's a crummy day, just for a minute try to feel what it would feel like if it WAS a beautiful day! I bet you smile! I LOVE YOU! http://www.gofundme.com/24gcfg

Jealousy is a bitch!

I am really a jealous little bitch sometimes.

I'm jealous of skinny girls.
I'm jealous of people in "normal" relationships.
I'm jealous of people who can afford the things that I cannot.
I'm jealous of people who have cable.
I'm jealous of people who are laughing and having a good time while I am all grouchy and cranky and pissy.
I'm jealous of my dog, well, because he's a dog!
I'm jealous of my brothers and their seemingly perfect lives.
I'm jealous of girls who get out of one relationship and are immediately in another.
I'm jealous of people who are either engaged, married, & yes, divorced because if they are divorced at least someone, at one time, found them worthy of marrying.

I'm sure I could go on & on.

Jealousy is insidious and sometimes, for me, it is one of the most difficult feelings to fight. Please don't confuse my feelings of jealousy with hate. I don't like the word "hate", I try very hard not to express that particular feeling toward anything or anyone. I may say, "I hate that..." but that's just a knee-jerk reaction. When I take a close look at what I said I hated, I see that I don't really "hate" it, it was just my other emotions expressing themselves. Hate is much easier for me to let go of than jealousy. Most of the people that I find myself feeling jealous over I absolutely love with all my heart & soul! That's probably why it bothers me so much when I come face to face with the fact that my thoughts and feelings that I have been so confused about are based in jealousy.

The last few months I have been angry, irritable, moody, lazy, uncaring, feeling rather defeated, etc & so forth. I was wondering if maybe I needed to go to the Dr. & get some prescription help because I haven't been able to snap myself out of this pile of crap I'm in. I have been travelling down the path of self-discovery for a very long time. I have read just about every book about self-love and spirituality, the power of positive thoughts, & the power of attraction. I remember what it was like to read "Conversations With God" the first time and how much I cried because I thought, "This is IT!!! This is the answer to ALL the questions I have ever had!" When that feeling faded I read "Return to Love" & felt all those feelings again. When those feelings faded I read some other book about something positive & self-helpy, maybe that was the Quantum Physics phase, or maybe it was "The Secret". I'm not sure. Now it seems everyone around me is discovering all the feelings that I discovered for myself 10 years ago, and I'm friggin jealous of them! They are quoting wonderfully positive things to each other and telling everyone they see how beautiful & amazing & wonderful they are and I want to throw up. The BIG green monster of jealousy is rearing its ugly head and trying to knock me off the path, it is holding me back so I am eating the dust of those around me that have found the path and are charging down it like Spartans. The only thing is, until this morning, I had no idea why I was so irritated by them, why all the wonderful, kind, positive things that they are saying was bothering me so much. I have said ALL those things, to myself and to friends & family in trying to encourage them to join me on my path to a more positive, enlightened me. But dude, seriously, omg, hearing it every day has been seriously getting under my skin!

See what I mean when I say I'm a jealous little bitch sometimes?

Jealousy robs us of our selves. It blocks the positive energy that is being sent to us from others. It makes our perception of things so distorted that we can't tell what is real & what is just a figment of our imagination. It tries to make us look outside ourselves for reasons as to why our life sucks, it tries to find blame in everyone other then ourselves. It looks at only the negative in life. It does everything it can to keep us from seeing anything positive about anything! Jealousy is a product of the ego, and the ego is a conniving, ugly, blameless, selfish little shit that desires nothing but for us to remain miserable, angry and empty, all under the guise of pride and self-preservation. Jealousy truly is a monster, but it is a monster that can be defeated. The secret weapon is simply facing it.

This morning all I could think about was how irritated I was at just about everything. I can't even put my finger on the moment I realized that I was feeling jealous. It was so subtle, almost like a whisper in my ear. That little whisper was just enough because I see it now, and while I am not fully released from its grasp, I know what I need to do. I see you, you little green jerk. I recognize you, I know what you are doing. It's cute how hard you try to destroy me, but you can't! I hope you enjoyed the party, cuz it's over now. I know you'll be back, so until we meet again, I don't need you anymore.

my conversation with "God"

Dear God, it's me Nancy...oh wait, sorry, Judy Blume already did that.

Yo, dude, are you still up there? Nah, that only works when I'm rocking the ghange (which i NEVER do!) Holy crap, was that thunder I just heard???

God, I have a few questions for you if you have a minute or two...

For you, I have 10 minutes.

Gee, thanks.

You're welcome!

Whatever. So, what the hell?

Is that you're first question?

No! Jesus!

He's not here, he's busy whispering funny shit into people's ears to see what they do.

Wow. So look, I've been feeling very frustrated lately, feeling alot of anger. Not at anyone in particular, just a general sense of anger...

And frustration?

Yes. Frustration.

Hey, I thought you didn't believe in me? Why are you coming to me with this now? You don't talk to me when things are going well, why do you only come to me when you're feeling frustrated?

I'm sorry, shit! I still don't necessarily believe in you, I just need someone to talk to. If you don't want to, whatever. But I thought you were supposed to be my FATHER. Isn't that the way it goes between parents & their kids, the kids only call when things go sour?

Yes, yes. I was just being a douche. Sorry. I am here for you whether you believe in me or not. I believe in YOU!

Dude, I'm not here for a Positive Energy Pep Talk.

Go on, I'm listening. No more pep talk. You are angry & frustrated. What's going on in your life that could be making you feel this way?

I don't know. If I knew I wouldn't be here talking to you, would I?

Hey chick, you came to me! I'm just trying to help!

I know, I'm sorry! See what I mean? I'm turning into this ugly, heinous witch!
I think I am bored, but surely that can't be all of it. It's like, I'm finally in a stable time in my life, and it's boring me to tears!!!!

You are used to drama, fluctuation, ups & downs. You aren't used to calmness & serenity.

Right. I mean, I have a good job, a nice place to live that I can actually afford, I have a good reliable car, Taylor has been behaving herself (knock on wood!!), Fletcher & I are getting along great, despite me trying to start fights...I may be living paycheck to paycheck but I am very grateful for that...I would LOVE more then anything to have money in savings and not be broke 2 days after getting paid but that never seems to happen...

So, I heard a couple of things there that maybe behind your frustration. Money is always a huge source of anger & frustration. Let me ask you this, you say you are trying to cause a fight between you and Fletcher. Why?

I don't know.

Really? I bet you do.

Because he's still fucking married & the stupid bitch won't leave & I can't fucking deal with it anymore yet I do, day after day after day after fucking day I sit back and wait for something, ANYTHING, to happen and nothing does! Every fucking day it's the same shit! What more do I have to do? I wrote the stupid bitch a fucking letter telling her everything and yet she's still there! He tells me he doesn't love her, that he's only there for his kids and yada yada yada, I don't believe him when he tells me he doesn't love her but I so badly WANT to believe him. I love him so goddamn much, he is everything, EVERYTHING I have ever wanted, everything I will EVER want in a man, yet he's unavailable, unattainable...I can't be with him the way I want to be despite me asking YOU to help me! You don't help me! You give that Jesus-loving freak bitch he's married to everything!!! She is the biggest hypocrite I have ever known yet she has everything I have ever wanted...she has him....

Wow...Ok. Tell me how you really feel why don't you.

I'm sorry. I'm just...

I know, frustrated.

God, I've tried. I have TRIED to leave him. It almost killed me. The thought of being without him is a thought I just cannot dare to let cross my mind. I tried. I don't want to go through it again. Can't you please just do something with her? Get rid of her? Send her on some frickin mission to some unholy land that needs saved? Better yet, help her pull her head out of her ass & make her take a good long look at herself and her "marriage" & her holier-than-thou Christian beliefs and tell her to leave him? Why is she still there? Why????

Why are you?

What?

Why are you still here? Why are you still in a relationship with a man who isn't going to leave his wife for you?

(silence)

Why should she leave him? Shouldn't he be the one leaving her for you? Look, I love you. You know I do. But I cannot control her, anymore then I can control you. She is choosing to stay married to a man that she knows is completely unfaithful to her just as you are choosing to stay in a relationship with a man who won't leave his wife to be with you. Despite popular opinion, I am not in charge of her. Her journey is her own, just as you journey is your own. Do I like that you are both ignoring me? Honestly, I couldn't care less. What you do with the information I provide you is entirely up to you. If I show you two paths, one that is happy & full of butterflies & gumdrops, & another that is dark & steep and rocky and full of screaming, crying banshees, & you choose the dark path, please don't come crying to me asking me "Why, oh why God have you forsaken me???". I forsake no one. Do you know why? Because I don't care!

What kind of bullshit is that, you don't care???

I love you no matter what you do. I am sorry that you continue to choose the hardest path there is, but that is YOUR choice. I love you no matter what you do. When you sit in your chair at night, watching TV & eating all the crap there is in your cabinets, I still love you. I try to show you as simply as I can that that isn't a healthy choice and it isn't going to make you happy, but you do it anyway. I still love you. When I show you in no uncertain terms that he isn't going to leave his wife to be with you, and she isn't going to leave him, and as long as you remain in a relationship with a married man you are going to feel alone and frustrated and angry, yet you continue to do that same thing and watch the years tick by, I still love you.

But he loves me.

Yes, yes he does. I can tell you that. He does love you. But you and I BOTH know that he loves HIMSELF more. Why do you think he won't let you go? Because you make him feel good! You make him happy! Why do you think he won't let her go? Because she makes him feel good. Being married to her makes him look good. He is so concerned with what everyone thinks, how he APPEARS to everyone that he is willing to do whatever he has to do to maintain that lie, and you my dear are part of it. I know you where in alot of pain last year when you tried to leave him. I know that the letter you wrote didn't do what you hoped it would do and now you feel lost, like you've given up. I'm sorry sweetie, but there is nothing I can do about that but try to show you, again, all the things you already know. Yes, if you choose to stay with him you will continue to feel frustrated, lonely, angry, but you will still have him & his love in your life. Yes, if you choose to leave him you are going to hurt, you are going to cry, you are going to question why you have to go through all of this, you are going to question why you can't be with the man of your dreams. But I am telling you, and I know you don't believe me, but I am telling you that if you leave him you will be ok. You will get through the hard part and you will be ok. I am not a fortune teller and frankly I don't care about the future. I am eternal, the future isn't a big deal for me, so I can't see if you are going to meet someone who will be able to dedicate his life to you, someone you can spend the rest of you life with. But what I can tell you is that if you choose to leave him you will feel better about yourself.

I can't. The pain I feel just thinking about it....I can't!

If you can't bear the pain that comes from leaving him, then learn to deal with the emotions that come from staying.

I've tried.

Well, if you have tried and still haven't figured out how to deal with them, maybe that is another little clue trying to tell you something. Why don't you people ever listen to me?

I do listen. I do. I just choose to ignore all your wonderful advice and do what I want. Why do I do that? I just don't understand....

Me either.

I love him. I feel loved BY him. Doesn't that count for anything?

Of course it does. Don't discount his love, it is real. But, and he can't help this, it is who he is, as real as the love he feels for you is, he will ALWAYS put himself first. Always.

I wish I could.

You can.

God, why? Why did I meet him, fall in love with him, start having all these hopes & dreams about him...all when you knew I could never truly be with him the way I want to? Why?

Sometime I bring someone into your life to help you make your way out of the darkness that you are in. When you met him you were in darkness and you needed help out. When I showed you the signs that it wasn't meant to be long term, you ignored them. When I sent more signs, and more signs, and more signs, you ignored ALL of them. It is not my responsibility that you stayed past the time I thought you needed him. You needed a life preserver to get you out of the deep...you are in shallow water now, just put your feet down and you will see that you can let go.

No.

Ok, then don't.

I can't!

Yes, you can. There is NOTHING that you can't do. You can do ANYTHING.

Can I fly?

No. Shut up.



I'm sorry sweetie, but it's up to you. I love you, I don't care what you do. I hate to see you hurting, but there is nothing I can do about it. When I came up with this big plan, I thought to myself that as long as the many many pieces of me know that they are part of the whole and that they are truly loved, they will be fine, they will be happy, they will flourish and know heaven in their lives. It hasn't worked out as well as I'd hoped. But I do love you, no matter what.

I know. Thank you.

Hang in there. I'm always here when you need to talk.

When am I gonna win the lottery?

When's the last time you bought a lottery ticket???

Yeah...I gotta go. Thanks for listening. I love you too.

Screw Realization...

I was in my bathroom this morning getting ready to do my hair. I wasn't even really thinking about it, just unconsciously putting it up into sections so I could flatiron the wild & crazy waves out of it. As I was clipping up a large section, I heard footsteps in the entryway of my apartment and my heart instantly skipped a beat. "Could it be him?" I thought to myself, knowing full well that it wasn't. As I heard my neighbor's door open then close I could feel the strange yet oh-so-familiar combination of disappointment and full-knowing settle into me. Thoughts started running through my head, thoughts of times that he HAD come to visit me in the morning as I was getting ready for work, thoughts of the times that I foolishly allowed myself to hope that he would show up, thoughts of "Why do you do this to yourself?"...so many thoughts, all in the matter of a few seconds (thoughts are amazing that way, aren't they?) In the meantime I was still unconsciously separating my hair so I could flatiron the wild & crazy waves out of it. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, actually made eye-contact with the reflection of the stranger staring back at me.
"You've given up" is what the eyes of this stranger were saying to me. "You've settled."
I didn't even try to put up an argument of denial. I put my hands down and the tears started to fall as the realization that this stranger that was staring at me through my mirror was right. I have given up, I have settled.

My mom was first diagnosed with cancer in 1988. I was there from the moment she first heard the news until the day she died, and for many years after that. I watched her fight, I saw her beat it, twice, then I saw her give up as it came back for the third and final time. My brothers would argue with me, saying "You weren't in her head, you don't KNOW that she gave up." I love my brothers so much, but I was there and I know that my mom gave up. Here is the but: I don't think she knew that she was giving up. It was an unconscious thing. She didn't literally pick up a white flag and wave it over her head and say "Cancer, you win, I surrender." It was an unconscious act, probably caused from exhaustion and pain. That part I don't know, I will never know. I only know what I saw, and I saw my mom give up. She passed away shortly there after, no longer suffering, peacefully resting.

In November I gave up. By then I had been fighting the fight for 7 plus years. I was determined to win, I had sacrificed so much already that there was no way I was just going to walk away! I had become a bit desperate and did something I said I would never do, I set out to intentionally hurt the man that I loved. It was a choice that I made hoping that 1 of 2 things would happen: either his marriage would be over and we would be together or OUR relationship would be over and I could move on (I tried not to think about the 3rd thing that could happen, his marriage ending and OUR relationship ending). At first the contacts from me to her friends and family were anonymous. There was the messages to her friend, those didn't work. Then I called her mom, she wouldn't hear of it. Then I tried to strike at the heart of her, I messaged her church. Nothing! Don't these people care about her AT ALL? is what I was thinking as my plans to make her fully aware of her husband's affair failed over and over. Then, out of pure desperateness, I wrote her a letter, an anonymous letter (I was still trying to protect myself from the fallout). The letter told her everything, most of which she already knew. When he called me to tell me she had received a letter and read it while sitting on the couch next to him as they sorted through their mail together, my pulse began to race. I tried to lie to him, to pretend it wasn't me, but let me tell you, I can't lie to save my life! He could tell it was me, though I didn't come right out & say it yet. What I did do was wonder why the hell she hadn't packed her bags & told him to fuck off. Isn't that what most women would do? Why was she still there? Why wasn't he on his way to me to tell me she had filed for divorce, kicked his ass out of the house or at the very least, left to go to her mothers??? What the hell? The bomb had gone off, why wasn't their marriage tumbling from the explosion? Feeling as if I had failed again, I had one last bomb left, so I set the timer and waited. I emailed her church, again, this time I signed my name. This would surely do it, I thought. How could she stay married to a man when everyone in her holier-than-thou place of worship KNEW her husband was an evil adulterer?

My plans worked and WE broke up. She was talking to a lawyer which forced him to do the same thing, and I told him I wasn't going to do it anymore: it was her or it was me. I was so strong! For about 30 seconds. Then MY world started to fall apart. I thought I was far enough away from the explosion to survive without damage, but I collapsed. I had never felt so much pain in my life, not even when my mom died. Every beat of my heart was complete torture. Every thought in my head was "When is he going to come to me and say, She's gone and we can be together?" I have never felt the kind of heartache I felt in those weeks, and I just wanted the pain to stop. The thought of a life without him was more then I could bare. When he showed up on my doorstep, wanting to talk, and he looked so sad and alone, and I felt his arms around me...no, he wasn't leaving her to be with me, but there he was, he was there WITH me! He loved me, he missed me, he was aching and hurting and he was sorry...I didn't want to hurt anymore...

I gave up.

It was an semi-conscious thing. I didn't pick up a white flag and say YOU WIN! I GIVE UP! No, it was more of a, well, I'm not really sure what it was. I guess I saw two paths ahead of me. One path was dark and lonely, rocky and twisty and turny and completely frightening, I saw no signs of light whatsoever. All I saw was pain and tears and questions and more & more & more pain. Sounds fun, huh? On the 2nd path I saw more familiar sites. I saw love and warmth and yes, loneliness but the kind of loneliness I knew I could bare because I had been dealing with it for years. I saw great sex and laughter and exciting moments of stolen affection. I saw light at the end of the tunnel, granted yes, that light was very faint and very far away, but I could see it...or maybe it was a sunspot in my eye, I'm not too sure. But I convinced myself that it was the light I was looking for and it was worth waiting for. I took the nicer, easier, smoother path and left (or so I thought) that scary, horrible, lonely dark path behind me.

Have you ever gone on a long road trip? There are moments when you'll be driving along, maybe singing to the radio or having a deep conversation with your travel companion when all of a sudden you realize the road sucks. When the heck did it get bad? Was it at the last town, the last county, maybe it was at the state line? How could I not have noticed how crappy it had gotten? That's where I am right now. Doing my hair this morning and hearing those footsteps echoing through the stairwell leading to my apartment door, feeling the anticipation of seeing him, then feeling the instant disappointment when it was the neighbor making those footsteps that I so badly wanted to be his...that stranger in the mirror was me. It was the me who gave up. She had taken the easier path but hadn't realized that the path was changing, it had gone from smooth to rocky without her even noticing. The path was getting lonelier and lonelier the longer it got, and the light at the end wasn't so easy to see anymore. It had grown quite dim. That sad, lonely lady in the mirror was me.

Here's the thing about realization. It can be liberating, or it can be devastating. I am feeling a bit of both. Part of me wants to call him right now and tell him one last time, it's me or it's her. The other part of me knows how he will answer that and knows how much pain it will cause, and knows that I almost didn't survive and doesn't want to do it again. I know what I deserve. I know that most people see him as the devil, as the root of all my pain. I know most people can't stand him because they blame him for hurting me. I don't. I am responsible for my choices. I have chosen to stay with a man who has loved me more then any other man has ever loved me. I have made the choice to stay with a man who has never tried to change me, who has never told me I was too fat or too stupid or incapable of doing something. I have stayed with a man who has shown me the kind of love that most people only dream of...yes, he's married. That's the big bummer of it all. Other then that little bitty detail he is the complete and utter man of my dreams. He is my best friend. When I separate myself from him I feel incomplete (I know the new-age crap that no other person will ever complete us, only WE can complete ourselves (i've said it to friends)...not so true folks, not so true). When I am without him, I am hollow. So, having this grand realization this morning has really done nothing for me other then make me hurt. So fuck you Realization! I would rather be the ostrich with my head in the sand! I don't want to go back to that dark path, the path full of pain and loneliness and heartache and tears! I want it to go back to the way it was! Sure, yes, it fucking sucks feeling like 2nd place and only getting to spend an hour or so at a time once in while with the man I love, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, the man I see when I look at wedding dresses and the man I think about 24/7! Yes, it bites ass that he feels like he's in prison, that he wants to be with me but feels like he has to stay married to her because he doesn't want to put his two youngest children through a divorce like his older children have all been through and that he thinks about me 24/7 and wants to be with me and can't wait until we can start our lives together (yes, I do believe him! I believe him because I want to believe him!). Hating her because she has everything I want and feeling like she doesn't deserve to have it, that is an awful feeling but if I have to put up with feeling like that to have him in my life, then that's what I want to do! But noooo, goddamn Realization has to springs if friggin head and make me look at things, make me see things differently...I don't want to! I can't go back to that pain...I won't survive....

So here I sit, on a Monday morning no less...at work, having to run a conference call and try to sound professional and confident when all I want to do is run away, somewhere so far away that no one would ever find me, including him. But alas I cannot. Life has a way of keeping us from running away, and it has a way of not allowing us to ignore the obvious. We can't bury our heads in the sand because we'll suffocate. We can't give up...if we give up we die.

I push my fingers into my eyes!

This rage has a familiar feeling. I thought I had left it behind, I hoped that I would never feel it again. But here it is, boiling up, trying to make me do something or say something that I will regret, trying to make me fall into the hate that it is harboring. Hate is such an easy emotion to fall into. I have almost lost myself to it before. I can't allow that to happen again.

I fought hard to be able to forgive. The hate and the rage built such a barrier to forgiveness that I never thought it could be breached. But it was, forgiveness prevailed. In it's patience and unending perseverance, forgiveness was able to reach my heart and destroy the hate and rage that had taken over.

Yet years later, the familiar rage is back and without notice it has dug its claws into my heart. The words "I hate her" are on the tip of my tongue, fighting like a pitbull to leave my lips in an utterance of ugliness and defeat. The person I was is trying to come back: the angry, frightened, self-destroying, self-alienating person that I was is welcoming the rage and the hate with open arms, waiting for an opportunity to resurface and destroy everything I have become. Why does it seem so easy to just let it happen? Why is hate so much easier then forgiveness and love?

I don't want to hate her. I forgave her for everything she had ever done to me. I left it behind like unclaimed baggage at the airport. I was able to find the love for her again, and it felt good, it felt right. I was happy! I didn't realize how much I missed her until she was in my life again. Now, in just a few short weeks, the love is quickly fading, being taken over by the rage & the hate that closed off my heart before. All the moments that I had forgiven are back, building blocks to the great wall of hate around my heart. I don't want to remember the pain from the past! I don't want to feel the pain that is taking place right now! Why does this have to happen? Why does history repeat itself?

This time I will recognize the hate & the rage for what it is: an emotional reaction to what I perceive is a wrong done to me. But if I calmly sit back and really think about it, what can be done to me that I didn't allow? I am responsible for my emotions, my feelings. If I allow the actions of another person to turn me into an angry monster, a person so full of hate and rage that the only thing I can do is destroy my relationships with everyone & everything, then that person has won, that person has all the power, I will be left powerless. I will not let that happen. Yes, there is anger and pain because I feel like I was used and betrayed by a person that I love, a person that I wanted so badly to love me back. What I need to do is not fight the emotion, but acknowledge it. There is this anger. There is this pain. There is this sense of loss, this sense of disappointment and rejection. These emotions are coming from the actions of another person, therefore they are mistaken. The emotions, not the other person! She made her choice for her life, the choice she believes is right for her. I made my choice, the choice that I feel is right for me. Those two choices are not even in the same universe. And that is ok. Her choice for herself truly has no bearing on my life. She didn't "do" anything to me that I didn't give her permission to do. Allowing emotions like hate and rage to take over my life would be a huge mistake, it would be something I was doing to myself.

I'm not quite ready to say that I forgive her. Actually, what is there to forgive? She is who she is, I knew that before I allowed her back into my life. All the signs showed me that she hadn't changed at all so I had no basis to think she had. So being surprised and hurt by actions that are completely typical of her is all on me. What I am going to do is stop worrying about it, stop pondering over what I could have done differently, accept the circumstances as just another day in the life, let it go and move on. If something comes up as a result of the steps I have already taken when I allowed myself to fall victim to the rage, then I will deal with it. I have taken back my power. I am in control of myself. She does not control me, she has no power over me. Good bye. (this is me turning around and not looking back).

I am a different person then i was, lets say 3-4 years ago

I've changed alot, especially over the last few years. The changes I see in myself could be attributed to age/maturity, or the sweet gentle guidance of my best friend, or maybe it's just me being really tired of the drama I was creating in my own life. I used to be very unforgiving, judgemental, had the attitude that I was always right and everyone else was wrong and why didn't everyone see it my way, and was a depressed, woah-is-me person who wasn't alot of fun to be around. I felt unjustly persecuted by everyone and blamed everyone else for my life, I in no way wanted to take responsibility for my own actions.
I am very different now. I don't feel persecuted. I don't blame anyone but myself when life gets difficult (I don't even BLAME myself anymore). I don't see the difficult parts in life as this insurmountable obstacle, I see them as challenges that are meant to be overcome. I forgive very easily, whether asked or not, including forgiving myself. I try very hard to not judge anyone and when I do find myself steering towards the judgemental side, I turn myself around and remember what it's like to be judged. I still get hurt when I think someone may not be on my side, but then I think to myself, Hey everyone is entitled to their opinion, thoughts, etc and what THEY feel has NOTHING to do with me & how I feel about MY life. I'm not depressed anymore. Sure I have days when I am sad, but those days are just that, maybe a day or two here & there with plenty of days when I am very happy...not day after day after day after day of sadness & deep, ridiculous emotional outbursts with no sign of the tears ever ending. So yes, I am very different then I was, let's say 3-4 years ago.
There are people out there that I have forgiven that have no idea that I have forgiven them as they never asked for my forgiveness. I think what it is, more then "You are Forgiven!" is a deep sense of love for myself and realizing that the pain I may have felt in the past from what I perceived to be hurtful actions on the others part is over and today is a new day and I don't want to waste anymore time "hating" someone. Hate is a very ugly, ugly emotion and it can tear a person apart from the inside out. I don't hate anyone anymore, not for a long period of time anyway. There is always that initial "God Dammit I fucking HATE YOU!" emotion, but now I have learned to accept that emotion, feel it, acknowledge it, then let it go. I just can't hang on to that ugliness anymore.
I have felt that recently. I have felt unappreciated, unthanked, uncared for, etc. Alot of "un"s. I have felt anger and regret in allowing someone back into my life that had hurt me before (no, it's not the person you all are thinking about, sorry!), and I have felt just plain pissed off! The difference between, let's say 3-4 years ago, and today is a couple days later I have released my anger, my pain, my fear, and I wish nothing but the best for this person that I love very much. And another difference from let's say 3-4 years ago and now, I am not gonna make a big deal out of it. I was so very into drama in the past, I had to get as many people involved as possible, I had to drag unwilling participants into my drama and make sure that they were on my side. Not anymore. I have a very quiet, peaceful life now & I really enjoy it. I find it much easier to let go of the drama of the past. Instead of making a huge thing of something, I write about it in a blog that not a whole lot of people read (thank you to those that do! love ya!), I acknowledge the pain and the fear and the anger that I felt, and I let it go. Time to move on.

I love this person. With all my heart. And I wish nothing but the absolute best for them. We have different ideas about life, we have much different views on right & wrong, but ya know, differences make the world a very interesting place. My life is calm, quiet, peaceful...and I like it that way. Having that peacefulness shook up a little makes me appreciate it so much more, and for that I am very grateful.

Here's to unspoken forgiveness and letting go of the past. It's amazing how much different I am since I've learned (am still learning) to do this. It turns a frown upside down!