Conversation I had with my ego today (yes, that is a kind of way of saying I talk to myself!):
Me: "Hey ego, what's up with you today? Can't you see that I'm becoming a much more positive person, I'm actually looking forward to the future while appreciating everything I have right now? Why are you trying to ruin my mood, bring me down? Why are you dredging up all this negative garbage from the past? Don't you think we deserve a better, more abundant life?"
My ego: "Of course we deserve better! But we don't have all the things you are wanting because of other people and what THEY think of us! We don't own our own home because your Mommy and Daddy made you feel like you didn't deserve it! You ARE a decent writer but you'll never get published and you'll certainly never make money writing because your family made you feel like you'll never amount to anything, so of course you won't! WE don't have what WE deserve because of EVERY ONE ELSE! It isn't OUR fault! No, wait...it isn't MY fault! I love you. I've always been here for you. Well, most of the time. Sure, I may have said "I told you so" a few times but I was just being truthful! I can't help it that you're so sensitive and believe every negative thing I say! No, it's everyone else's fault, including YOURS! I like things the way they are. I'm comfortable. If all these so-called wonderful things start appearing, you're going to leave me behind. You won't need me anymore. When you consciously choose what to think and how to feel, I feel left out and alone. I can't let that happen! I won't!! I will block EVERY GOOD THING from coming to you! I don't care that you deserve it! I am more important then "GOD", I'm bigger then your "Universe"! Please don't leave me, I promise I'll be good..."
Me: "I love you(me). I forgive you for being scared and trying to blame everyone else. But sweetie, I am responsible for exactly where I am right now, I am responsible for everything I have and don't have, no one else. It's ok. It's going to be wonderful! Trust that!"
disclaimer: my parents and family are amazing! i love you guys! :D
Friday, March 8, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
I wanted to be a Marine Biologist because I liked dolphins
I don't think I had any real aspirations to BE anything in particular as a child, except for maybe a horse or a dolphin. I loved animals more then people but I never really dreamed of being a veterinarian. Instead I wanted to BE a dog or a tiger or a horse, sometimes an eagle. I even wanted to be a humpback whale. When we would go to the beach I would splash around in the tide pools pretending to be a mermaid. I remember diving over the waves as they came in and I could feel my flippers propelling me forward out to the deepest part of the sea....ah, I can almost feel them now.
When I was in high school I still had no real idea what I wanted to do when I grew up. I'm not sure where or when I came up with the idea of being a Marine Biologist. We used to watch Jacques Cousteau and Nature a lot. I think I was a Senior when I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Well, I like dolphins so I guess I'll be a Marine Biologist." It didn't dawn on me that by that time I had already dropped Physics (or was it Chem?) and I wasn't a huge fan of Biology 101, and I avoided math like the plague. No one, including myself, noticed that I had quite the talent for writing term papers the night before they were due and getting the best grade in the class. So off I went to college with the brilliant idea of becoming a Marine Biologist because I liked dolphins. I would have had better luck had I chosen to actually become a dolphin.
I've had the vague desire to be a writer but I never had the confidence to do it. I'm not one to follow grammatical rules and I don't know a lot of fancy synonyms for common, ordinary words. But I love to write. I have had great success in college writing classes. I remember being absent from an English 121 Comp class one day and upon returning to school a classmate told me that the Professor had read my story out loud to the class. All I could think was how grateful I was that I hadn't been there to endure the attention. I think my self-esteem was hiding under a rock somewhere. Anyway, I have started several stories that sounded pretty good, but as soon as I would allow myself the thought that hey, this story IS pretty good, I've walked away never to explore that story again.
I've been reading The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace D. Wattles. He writes at great length about becoming who you want to become and that it is our duty to advance as humans by making the most of ourselves. He says "Desire is possibility seeking expression." I, for whatever reason, have downplayed my desire to be a writer since the first time I copied Clifford The Big Red Dog into one of my composition notebooks and showed it to my Mom as if I had written it myself. I remember how impressed she acted and told me it was a wonderful story. Somewhere between then and now my desire has been hiding, trying to fly under the radar, not wanting to be noticed or expressed. Or maybe it was my diminished ego that was choking it down, telling it to shut the hell up, not wanting my desire to become real for fear that the scared, selfish little ego would be left behind.
I forgive myself for denying my desire to be a writer. I forgive myself for not giving myself the chance to live up to my potential. I love to write! I stammer and stutter when I try to verbalize my thoughts, sounding more like a blathering idiot then an intelligent woman. But when I write, while I may be rather long winded, I can articulate my thoughts plainly and in a way that people just get it, they know what I'm talking about.
In 1910 Wallace D. Wattles wrote, "Man must form a clear and definite mental image of the things he wishes to have, to do, or to become; and he must hold this mental image in his thoughts, while being deeply grateful to the Supreme that all his desires are granted to him." I desire to write. I desire to become a published, paid author. I am very grateful for what talent I do have, and I know that if I keep this desire in my thoughts, my talent will increase in such a way that I will become what I desire to become. Thank you Mr. Wattles. For a dude born in the 1800's, you got it goin on!
When I was in high school I still had no real idea what I wanted to do when I grew up. I'm not sure where or when I came up with the idea of being a Marine Biologist. We used to watch Jacques Cousteau and Nature a lot. I think I was a Senior when I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Well, I like dolphins so I guess I'll be a Marine Biologist." It didn't dawn on me that by that time I had already dropped Physics (or was it Chem?) and I wasn't a huge fan of Biology 101, and I avoided math like the plague. No one, including myself, noticed that I had quite the talent for writing term papers the night before they were due and getting the best grade in the class. So off I went to college with the brilliant idea of becoming a Marine Biologist because I liked dolphins. I would have had better luck had I chosen to actually become a dolphin.
I've had the vague desire to be a writer but I never had the confidence to do it. I'm not one to follow grammatical rules and I don't know a lot of fancy synonyms for common, ordinary words. But I love to write. I have had great success in college writing classes. I remember being absent from an English 121 Comp class one day and upon returning to school a classmate told me that the Professor had read my story out loud to the class. All I could think was how grateful I was that I hadn't been there to endure the attention. I think my self-esteem was hiding under a rock somewhere. Anyway, I have started several stories that sounded pretty good, but as soon as I would allow myself the thought that hey, this story IS pretty good, I've walked away never to explore that story again.
I've been reading The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace D. Wattles. He writes at great length about becoming who you want to become and that it is our duty to advance as humans by making the most of ourselves. He says "Desire is possibility seeking expression." I, for whatever reason, have downplayed my desire to be a writer since the first time I copied Clifford The Big Red Dog into one of my composition notebooks and showed it to my Mom as if I had written it myself. I remember how impressed she acted and told me it was a wonderful story. Somewhere between then and now my desire has been hiding, trying to fly under the radar, not wanting to be noticed or expressed. Or maybe it was my diminished ego that was choking it down, telling it to shut the hell up, not wanting my desire to become real for fear that the scared, selfish little ego would be left behind.
I forgive myself for denying my desire to be a writer. I forgive myself for not giving myself the chance to live up to my potential. I love to write! I stammer and stutter when I try to verbalize my thoughts, sounding more like a blathering idiot then an intelligent woman. But when I write, while I may be rather long winded, I can articulate my thoughts plainly and in a way that people just get it, they know what I'm talking about.
In 1910 Wallace D. Wattles wrote, "Man must form a clear and definite mental image of the things he wishes to have, to do, or to become; and he must hold this mental image in his thoughts, while being deeply grateful to the Supreme that all his desires are granted to him." I desire to write. I desire to become a published, paid author. I am very grateful for what talent I do have, and I know that if I keep this desire in my thoughts, my talent will increase in such a way that I will become what I desire to become. Thank you Mr. Wattles. For a dude born in the 1800's, you got it goin on!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Don't erase those old posts!!
I have a new outlook on life. Because of this renewed faith in life I thought, I need to delete all those negative, yucky, cry-cry, self-pitying posts from my past. I was going to erase my blog and start from scratch.
But that wouldn't be fair to my past. You can't just erase what happened. It happened. I have to honor those experiences. I have to give thanks to those feelings because they made me who I am today. They got me through whatever perceived trauma I was putting myself through at that particular time.
I can't just erase the past. I can choose to look at those experiences differently. Did you know that you can change the past? You can! Take one moment from your past and just for a moment, look at it differently. It can simply be a trip to the grocery store. Was the line long? Was the cashier slow? Did the lady in front of you take her sweet time paying? Was the couple behind you too close to you, invading your space? Was that baby screaming its bloody head off??? OMG, get me the hell OUT OF HERE! Now...just take a couple minutes to look at it from a different angle. Was the line long because you chose to go to the store at the time of day when the store is the busiest? Was the cashier slow because he is an older gentleman who was laid off and because he is older, he can't find a position in his field and he is doing the best that he can do at this low-paying yet completely necessary and vital job? Yes, the lady in front of you was slow. Not everyone speeds through life like it's a NASCAR race. It's not her fault that you chose to come to the store at the busiest time of day and get in line behind her. What about that couple behind you? Sure, they were oblivious to your personal space but they are in love! Can you blame them? They were lost in the moment, they were enjoying each others company, they were excited to be shopping together! It certainly isn't their fault that you are at the store alone! Yes, they could have backed up but were they really hurting you, or just annoying you? And that poor baby...maybe he's sick, hungry, poopy, or just a baby! Mom is probably extremely stressed out because she's trying to get the shopping done, she is fully aware that her baby is screaming but she's in line and there is nothing she can do right now. Giving her dirty looks and silently judging her for letting her baby cry is NOT going to help her. She is doing the best she can do. She wants to get out of that store as quickly as you do!
Did looking at your "miserable" shopping trip differently change the way you thought of it? Just think of how much more pleasant your evening would have been if you weren't pissed off at everybody at the store. Remember that trip, that evening...now let go of all the ugly. Just look at it as a shopping trip, drop all the emotion. Do you remember it differently now? There, you just changed the past! And I bet you changed your present as well. Did thinking about the shopping trip that you thought was miserable get you irritated all over again? How do you feel now that you've allowed yourself to let go of the ugly and see it differently? I hope you feel better. I hope you carry that positive emotion with you all day, thereby affecting your future.
By seeing the past differently, by letting go of the negative emotions, we can change it which changes the way we feel NOW, which will change the way we look at the future.
One more example...have you ever had a fight with your best friend? I mean the kind of fight that made you hate that person with ever fiber of your being, the relationship-destroying conflict that tore you apart with no thoughts of ever being able to fix it. Every time you think of that person your blood boils, you get angry and your pulse races! You curse that person to everyone you know! There is no end to the number of people who are going to know the terrible thing your supposed BFF did to you! Then one day you are out and about and oh crap! There she is! There is no avoiding her! Don't make eye contact! Imma kill that bitch if she dare talk to me!!! Oh crap, here she comes! Then she starts to talk by saying how sorry she is, and suddenly this story comes out of her that you've never heard before, her side of the story is so overwhelming, so emotional, so real....you feel the anger & hate dissolving, the bitterness has been replaced by compassion and the love that you once held for your BFF that was lost forever is now back, stronger then ever. You find yourself forgiving her, hugging her, crying for her. In an instant you no longer see the "event" as you did before, it is totally different now, and it doesn't matter at all. Seeing the past differently has changed your past, your present and your future because you have your best friend back! Just a few minutes ago the only plans you had for the future that included her was attending her funeral! Now you are already making plans to have lunch! Everything is different!
You can do that without being cornered by her. You can let go of the past now, without ever setting eyes on her. Forgive your best friend or whomever you feel did you wrong. Look at your role in the situation, with real honesty. Forgive yourself, if for nothing else other then letting that one event have so much power over you. Let it go. Stop dwelling on it. Stop letting it affect how you feel now (I'm sure that all of your friends who have heard the story a thousand times will appreciate it too!). Looking at it differently, letting it go will change your NOW and your future, and the other person involved doesn't even have to know.
I am not going to erase my past posts because I see them differently now. They are a part of me, they made me who I am, but they do not define me. They no longer affect my present or my future. I have let them go. By changing the way I look at them, I have changed the effect they have on me which has changed my present and my future.
I hope your day is abundant!
But that wouldn't be fair to my past. You can't just erase what happened. It happened. I have to honor those experiences. I have to give thanks to those feelings because they made me who I am today. They got me through whatever perceived trauma I was putting myself through at that particular time.
I can't just erase the past. I can choose to look at those experiences differently. Did you know that you can change the past? You can! Take one moment from your past and just for a moment, look at it differently. It can simply be a trip to the grocery store. Was the line long? Was the cashier slow? Did the lady in front of you take her sweet time paying? Was the couple behind you too close to you, invading your space? Was that baby screaming its bloody head off??? OMG, get me the hell OUT OF HERE! Now...just take a couple minutes to look at it from a different angle. Was the line long because you chose to go to the store at the time of day when the store is the busiest? Was the cashier slow because he is an older gentleman who was laid off and because he is older, he can't find a position in his field and he is doing the best that he can do at this low-paying yet completely necessary and vital job? Yes, the lady in front of you was slow. Not everyone speeds through life like it's a NASCAR race. It's not her fault that you chose to come to the store at the busiest time of day and get in line behind her. What about that couple behind you? Sure, they were oblivious to your personal space but they are in love! Can you blame them? They were lost in the moment, they were enjoying each others company, they were excited to be shopping together! It certainly isn't their fault that you are at the store alone! Yes, they could have backed up but were they really hurting you, or just annoying you? And that poor baby...maybe he's sick, hungry, poopy, or just a baby! Mom is probably extremely stressed out because she's trying to get the shopping done, she is fully aware that her baby is screaming but she's in line and there is nothing she can do right now. Giving her dirty looks and silently judging her for letting her baby cry is NOT going to help her. She is doing the best she can do. She wants to get out of that store as quickly as you do!
Did looking at your "miserable" shopping trip differently change the way you thought of it? Just think of how much more pleasant your evening would have been if you weren't pissed off at everybody at the store. Remember that trip, that evening...now let go of all the ugly. Just look at it as a shopping trip, drop all the emotion. Do you remember it differently now? There, you just changed the past! And I bet you changed your present as well. Did thinking about the shopping trip that you thought was miserable get you irritated all over again? How do you feel now that you've allowed yourself to let go of the ugly and see it differently? I hope you feel better. I hope you carry that positive emotion with you all day, thereby affecting your future.
By seeing the past differently, by letting go of the negative emotions, we can change it which changes the way we feel NOW, which will change the way we look at the future.
One more example...have you ever had a fight with your best friend? I mean the kind of fight that made you hate that person with ever fiber of your being, the relationship-destroying conflict that tore you apart with no thoughts of ever being able to fix it. Every time you think of that person your blood boils, you get angry and your pulse races! You curse that person to everyone you know! There is no end to the number of people who are going to know the terrible thing your supposed BFF did to you! Then one day you are out and about and oh crap! There she is! There is no avoiding her! Don't make eye contact! Imma kill that bitch if she dare talk to me!!! Oh crap, here she comes! Then she starts to talk by saying how sorry she is, and suddenly this story comes out of her that you've never heard before, her side of the story is so overwhelming, so emotional, so real....you feel the anger & hate dissolving, the bitterness has been replaced by compassion and the love that you once held for your BFF that was lost forever is now back, stronger then ever. You find yourself forgiving her, hugging her, crying for her. In an instant you no longer see the "event" as you did before, it is totally different now, and it doesn't matter at all. Seeing the past differently has changed your past, your present and your future because you have your best friend back! Just a few minutes ago the only plans you had for the future that included her was attending her funeral! Now you are already making plans to have lunch! Everything is different!
You can do that without being cornered by her. You can let go of the past now, without ever setting eyes on her. Forgive your best friend or whomever you feel did you wrong. Look at your role in the situation, with real honesty. Forgive yourself, if for nothing else other then letting that one event have so much power over you. Let it go. Stop dwelling on it. Stop letting it affect how you feel now (I'm sure that all of your friends who have heard the story a thousand times will appreciate it too!). Looking at it differently, letting it go will change your NOW and your future, and the other person involved doesn't even have to know.
I am not going to erase my past posts because I see them differently now. They are a part of me, they made me who I am, but they do not define me. They no longer affect my present or my future. I have let them go. By changing the way I look at them, I have changed the effect they have on me which has changed my present and my future.
I hope your day is abundant!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
replacing old thoughts with new ones
I woke up with the lyrics to "So Pathetic" by Local H running through my head. I haven't heard this song in forever! The part looping over and over in my head is:
"Born to be down
I've learned all my leasons before now
Born to be down
I think you'll get use to it
And you just don't get it
Keep it copacetic
And you learn to accept it
you know you're so pathetic
And you don't"
Of course there is more to the song but this is on repeat. Exploring the meaning of the song for myself, I initially thought, "Why on earth am I thinking to myself that I am pathetic? Haven't I gotten past this terrible self-doubting, limiting thought yet?" Then I realized, "Yes I have."
To me the song is saying "You just don't get it do you? You are supposed to think your pathetic, you are supposed to let society and what others think of you keep you down, but YOU DON'T! You weren't born to be down! You don't have to live with that thought in your mind! You don't have to accept what was taught to you by others who think the same thing about themselves! You don't have to accept it! YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC!"
A second thought, a deeper thought that is occurring to me is: this is a fear, a limiting thought, coming to the surface so I can address it and let it go. It may be my ego realizing that I am letting go of any thoughts of my being pathetic and the ego is afraid of change. It is comfortable thinking such limiting thoughts because that is how I have always thought. The ego is unfamiliar with the new ideas that are starting to become rooted in my mind, in my conscious, and it is trying to force me to listen to this song over and over again in an attempt to destroy these higher thoughts. The ego wants to revert my thinking back to what it was before. My ego is throwing a tantrum!
"Dear ego, you're ok. It is going to be alright. I know you are scared, I know you think I can't do this, I know we've been down this road before and have given up after a short time. But I am different this time. Trust me. I love you. I believe in myself, I trust my higher self and the empowering thoughts I am allowing to root in my consciousness. I acknowledge your fear, and I let it go. I love you."
A song has different meanings for whomever is listening to it, that is the beauty of music. I used to think I was pathetic. I used to think I was born to be down, that a good life was only meant for a limited few, and I was not included in that list of the chosen. I no longer think that way. I now see that life is meant to be lived abundantly and it is our responsibility to live that way. The Universe is an abundant, limitless, infinite place and there is enough for everyone to be on the list of the "chosen". So I will be singing my new favorite song (Levitate by Hadouken) to myself today (watch the video People are Awesome 2013 at the bottom):
Heart in my mouth, but my head in the clouds yeah
I can feel it rising
Bound to the Earth but, we could ascend yeah
I’m realizing
Chorus:
I feel both feet lift off the ground
I can levitate
With every truth that leaves I close my eyes
And levitate
I just know
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
The air is electric, the higher the scent is
I can feel it charging
I’ll never forget you with transcending
I don’t know we started
Chorus
I feel both feet lift off the ground
I can levitate
With every truth that leaves I close my eyes
And levitate
I levitate
Heart in my mouth, but my head in the clouds yeah
I can feel it rising
Bound to the Earth but, we could ascend yeah
I’m realizing
Chorus
I feel both feet lift off the ground
I can levitate
With every truth that leaves I close my eyes
And levitate
I just know
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I can levitate
I can levitate
Chorus
I feel both feet lift off the ground
I can levitate
With every truth that leaves I close my eyes
And levitate
I levitate
Friday, February 22, 2013
Creative Consciousness
Wow...I can't think of how to start....let me just say that I am looking at the world very differently lately. I was getting so bogged down with self-pity and loathing. I would complain about people being negative but I think I was one of the most negative people I knew! I can't say what day I decided to be different but it's been within the last month or so. It doesn't really matter, does it? Trying to figure out what day my attitude and thus my life changed is like trying to figure out when the Universe started. It doesn't matter when it started, all that matters is that it did!
I have never felt so connected to the Universe before. A few years back when I was in my self-improvement stage I thought I was connected, but it didn't feel like this! I thought I was ready back then but I wasn't because I gave it up too quickly. I may have changed on the surface but deep inside I was still clinging to my ego and my desire to be miserable. My desire to be miserable....I bet a lot of people know exactly what I am talking about. My need to be miserable, my fear of being happy was unconscious but it was very strong. I could get myself to feel pretty good (my idea of happy was feeling pretty good) but it never lasted long and it was so weak, the slightest little bump in the road could send me into a tailspin. I gave up. I shelved my self-improvement books, I didn't go to the Spirituality section in the book store anymore, I stopped appreciating what I had and concentrated so much on what I didn't have, 100% convinced that I would never have it. I made fun of all the positive posts on fb and quietly judged the people around me that were actively trying to be more positive. My life is good: I live in a decent apartment, I have a good job that I really love, I have a good car, I have friends and family that I can depend on, I have more now then I ever have and I have been more stable for the last 5 years then I have ever been. Despite the good in my life I just didn't see it. It was like I had poop-colored glasses on instead of rose-colored glasses.
I bought the book The Secret when it first came out, maybe 6 years ago? I watched the movie. I read all the Conversation with God books. I was trying so hard to apply the Law of Attraction to my life and it worked now & then, but I just couldn't figure out why money wasn't falling out of the sky and why my pos car was still in the driveway instead of a brand new Audi A4. I was constantly disappointed when I would ask for something, try to manifest it, and it didn't appear instantly before my eyes. I found it very difficult to ACT wealthy while I was shopping and had to make sure I knew exactly how much money I was spending and that 90% of the food in the cart was store brand. "Act as if you already have everything you desire" is what The Secret was telling me. Ok, how do I do that when I'm behind on my rent, behind on my utility bill, I have no gas to get to work, etc? But I must have missed the message back then. I wasn't ready to receive it or my negative thoughts and feelings were blocking the true message from getting through.
It isn't about ACTING like you already have what you desire. It is about feeling the feeling that you will have when you do have what you desire, feel that feeling NOW! Emotions are the key. When you are upset, nervous, irritated, sad, pissed off, grouchy, when you don't want to talk to anyone or do anything, when you say "I just don't care anymore", you are in a negative state. You are putting negativity out into the Universe and the Universe is sending it back to you. You get what you send out. It's like sending yourself a letter. If I write myself an ugly letter filled with yuck and hate and poop and sadness and boohoo meeeee, that is the letter I am going to get in my mailbox! The feeling that I get when I open a letter like that is yuckie, hateful, poopy, sad, etc. Can I blame the mailman for delivering that sort of letter to me? It's not his fault! I wrote it, I put it in the envelope, I addressed it to myself, and I put the stamp on it and sent it out! The mailman is just the messenger, it's not his fault what he's delivering! Not to mention the fact that I know what's in the letter yet I waste so much energy dreading it's arrival, then act surprised and upset when it gets to me with it's pages fully of yuck and ugliness. It really is a vicious cycle, a silly cycle, but it isn't an endless cycle. I can rewrite the letter at anytime! That's what I did, I burned the ugly letter and wrote myself a new one!
I am so grateful for my life, every aspect of my life. Every tough time, easy time, every day that I thought I couldn't make it, every day that I couldn't wait for the day to start, every person who has ever been kind to me and every person who has ever hurt me (and vice versa!)! I mediate using free guided meditations on youtube. I say affirmations everyday, Taylor and I even made what I call "affirmation beads" together. They are like rosary beads only much cooler and without the cross. I added symbols that are meaningful to me! I write in my journal. I am reading a really cool book called The Divine Matrix by Gregg Braden. It's about Quantum Physics and how we are all connected to everything, we are part of the Universe and we are the Universe. I have been reading about the Law of Attraction again. I've been reading Wendy Betterini, she has this website http://www.opentoprosperity.com and it is written so simply. I've also been to a couple of guided meditations with a friend from work and those have been just incredible! I've had a couple emotional bumps and a couple strange experiences but I have been able to center myself much easier then ever before. I find myself smiling a lot! If I do get upset I face it, I experience it, then I let it go. That ALONE is life changing! I've also realized that abundance comes in many forms, it isn't just about money. To attract more abundance into my life I imagine what it will feel like to have everything I desire and I let myself feel that feeling now! It's so simple! Just take a second to imagine what it will feel like to, oh let's say, win the lottery. Your heart starts to pound as you realize that your numbers match all the numbers in the drawing, you start smiling, laughing, maybe even crying! You are more excited then you have ever been in your entire life! Can you feel it? While you are feeling that feeling, be grateful for what you already have!
I grew up Catholic. We went to church almost every Sunday. I made my first communion, I was even confirmed. But I quit going to church as soon as I was old enough to decide for myself. It never felt true in my heart. I was pretty ugly towards any sort of religious person for a while, especially against Catholics and Christians. I really don't know why other then I was judging them. Anyway, I still remember the part of mass where the priest is preparing the bread and wine. The congregation participates in this part of the mass by saying "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you. Only say the word and I shall be healed." I was thinking about that recently and I was struck by this thought, "No WONDER I have self-esteem issues and think that I don't deserve the blessings that this world has to offer! Every Sunday I blindly repeated to myself and everyone around me that I wasn't worthy of God's love! I proclaimed it to GOD HIMSELF!!" In that instant I said out loud, "I AM worthy to receive you, Thank you for saying the word for I have been healed!" It changed my life. We all are worthy of "God's" love, whomever your God is.
Have a beautiful day! But if it's a crummy day, just for a minute try to feel what it would feel like if it WAS a beautiful day! I bet you smile!
I LOVE YOU!
http://www.gofundme.com/24gcfg
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Jealousy is a bitch!
I am really a jealous little bitch sometimes.
I'm jealous of skinny girls.
I'm jealous of people in "normal" relationships.
I'm jealous of people who can afford the things that I cannot.
I'm jealous of people who have cable.
I'm jealous of people who are laughing and having a good time while I am all grouchy and cranky and pissy.
I'm jealous of my dog, well, because he's a dog!
I'm jealous of my brothers and their seemingly perfect lives.
I'm jealous of girls who get out of one relationship and are immediately in another.
I'm jealous of people who are either engaged, married, & yes, divorced because if they are divorced at least someone, at one time, found them worthy of marrying.
I'm sure I could go on & on.
Jealousy is insidious and sometimes, for me, it is one of the most difficult feelings to fight. Please don't confuse my feelings of jealousy with hate. I don't like the word "hate", I try very hard not to express that particular feeling toward anything or anyone. I may say, "I hate that..." but that's just a knee-jerk reaction. When I take a close look at what I said I hated, I see that I don't really "hate" it, it was just my other emotions expressing themselves. Hate is much easier for me to let go of than jealousy. Most of the people that I find myself feeling jealous over I absolutely love with all my heart & soul! That's probably why it bothers me so much when I come face to face with the fact that my thoughts and feelings that I have been so confused about are based in jealousy.
The last few months I have been angry, irritable, moody, lazy, uncaring, feeling rather defeated, etc & so forth. I was wondering if maybe I needed to go to the Dr. & get some prescription help because I haven't been able to snap myself out of this pile of crap I'm in. I have been travelling down the path of self-discovery for a very long time. I have read just about every book about self-love and spirituality, the power of positive thoughts, & the power of attraction. I remember what it was like to read "Conversations With God" the first time and how much I cried because I thought, "This is IT!!! This is the answer to ALL the questions I have ever had!" When that feeling faded I read "Return to Love" & felt all those feelings again. When those feelings faded I read some other book about something positive & self-helpy, maybe that was the Quantum Physics phase, or maybe it was "The Secret". I'm not sure. Now it seems everyone around me is discovering all the feelings that I discovered for myself 10 years ago, and I'm friggin jealous of them! They are quoting wonderfully positive things to each other and telling everyone they see how beautiful & amazing & wonderful they are and I want to throw up. The BIG green monster of jealousy is rearing its ugly head and trying to knock me off the path, it is holding me back so I am eating the dust of those around me that have found the path and are charging down it like Spartans. The only thing is, until this morning, I had no idea why I was so irritated by them, why all the wonderful, kind, positive things that they are saying was bothering me so much. I have said ALL those things, to myself and to friends & family in trying to encourage them to join me on my path to a more positive, enlightened me. But dude, seriously, omg, hearing it every day has been seriously getting under my skin!
See what I mean when I say I'm a jealous little bitch sometimes?
Jealousy robs us of our selves. It blocks the positive energy that is being sent to us from others. It makes our perception of things so distorted that we can't tell what is real & what is just a figment of our imagination. It tries to make us look outside ourselves for reasons as to why our life sucks, it tries to find blame in everyone other then ourselves. It looks at only the negative in life. It does everything it can to keep us from seeing anything positive about anything! Jealousy is a product of the ego, and the ego is a conniving, ugly, blameless, selfish little shit that desires nothing but for us to remain miserable, angry and empty, all under the guise of pride and self-preservation. Jealousy truly is a monster, but it is a monster that can be defeated. The secret weapon is simply facing it.
This morning all I could think about was how irritated I was at just about everything. I can't even put my finger on the moment I realized that I was feeling jealous. It was so subtle, almost like a whisper in my ear. That little whisper was just enough because I see it now, and while I am not fully released from its grasp, I know what I need to do. I see you, you little green jerk. I recognize you, I know what you are doing. It's cute how hard you try to destroy me, but you can't! I hope you enjoyed the party, cuz it's over now. I know you'll be back, so until we meet again, I don't need you anymore.
I'm jealous of skinny girls.
I'm jealous of people in "normal" relationships.
I'm jealous of people who can afford the things that I cannot.
I'm jealous of people who have cable.
I'm jealous of people who are laughing and having a good time while I am all grouchy and cranky and pissy.
I'm jealous of my dog, well, because he's a dog!
I'm jealous of my brothers and their seemingly perfect lives.
I'm jealous of girls who get out of one relationship and are immediately in another.
I'm jealous of people who are either engaged, married, & yes, divorced because if they are divorced at least someone, at one time, found them worthy of marrying.
I'm sure I could go on & on.
Jealousy is insidious and sometimes, for me, it is one of the most difficult feelings to fight. Please don't confuse my feelings of jealousy with hate. I don't like the word "hate", I try very hard not to express that particular feeling toward anything or anyone. I may say, "I hate that..." but that's just a knee-jerk reaction. When I take a close look at what I said I hated, I see that I don't really "hate" it, it was just my other emotions expressing themselves. Hate is much easier for me to let go of than jealousy. Most of the people that I find myself feeling jealous over I absolutely love with all my heart & soul! That's probably why it bothers me so much when I come face to face with the fact that my thoughts and feelings that I have been so confused about are based in jealousy.
The last few months I have been angry, irritable, moody, lazy, uncaring, feeling rather defeated, etc & so forth. I was wondering if maybe I needed to go to the Dr. & get some prescription help because I haven't been able to snap myself out of this pile of crap I'm in. I have been travelling down the path of self-discovery for a very long time. I have read just about every book about self-love and spirituality, the power of positive thoughts, & the power of attraction. I remember what it was like to read "Conversations With God" the first time and how much I cried because I thought, "This is IT!!! This is the answer to ALL the questions I have ever had!" When that feeling faded I read "Return to Love" & felt all those feelings again. When those feelings faded I read some other book about something positive & self-helpy, maybe that was the Quantum Physics phase, or maybe it was "The Secret". I'm not sure. Now it seems everyone around me is discovering all the feelings that I discovered for myself 10 years ago, and I'm friggin jealous of them! They are quoting wonderfully positive things to each other and telling everyone they see how beautiful & amazing & wonderful they are and I want to throw up. The BIG green monster of jealousy is rearing its ugly head and trying to knock me off the path, it is holding me back so I am eating the dust of those around me that have found the path and are charging down it like Spartans. The only thing is, until this morning, I had no idea why I was so irritated by them, why all the wonderful, kind, positive things that they are saying was bothering me so much. I have said ALL those things, to myself and to friends & family in trying to encourage them to join me on my path to a more positive, enlightened me. But dude, seriously, omg, hearing it every day has been seriously getting under my skin!
See what I mean when I say I'm a jealous little bitch sometimes?
Jealousy robs us of our selves. It blocks the positive energy that is being sent to us from others. It makes our perception of things so distorted that we can't tell what is real & what is just a figment of our imagination. It tries to make us look outside ourselves for reasons as to why our life sucks, it tries to find blame in everyone other then ourselves. It looks at only the negative in life. It does everything it can to keep us from seeing anything positive about anything! Jealousy is a product of the ego, and the ego is a conniving, ugly, blameless, selfish little shit that desires nothing but for us to remain miserable, angry and empty, all under the guise of pride and self-preservation. Jealousy truly is a monster, but it is a monster that can be defeated. The secret weapon is simply facing it.
This morning all I could think about was how irritated I was at just about everything. I can't even put my finger on the moment I realized that I was feeling jealous. It was so subtle, almost like a whisper in my ear. That little whisper was just enough because I see it now, and while I am not fully released from its grasp, I know what I need to do. I see you, you little green jerk. I recognize you, I know what you are doing. It's cute how hard you try to destroy me, but you can't! I hope you enjoyed the party, cuz it's over now. I know you'll be back, so until we meet again, I don't need you anymore.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
my conversation with "God"
Dear God, it's me Nancy...oh wait, sorry, Judy Blume already did that.
Yo, dude, are you still up there? Nah, that only works when I'm rocking the ghange (which i NEVER do!) Holy crap, was that thunder I just heard???
God, I have a few questions for you if you have a minute or two...
For you, I have 10 minutes.
Gee, thanks.
You're welcome!
Whatever. So, what the hell?
Is that you're first question?
No! Jesus!
He's not here, he's busy whispering funny shit into people's ears to see what they do.
Wow. So look, I've been feeling very frustrated lately, feeling alot of anger. Not at anyone in particular, just a general sense of anger...
And frustration?
Yes. Frustration.
Hey, I thought you didn't believe in me? Why are you coming to me with this now? You don't talk to me when things are going well, why do you only come to me when you're feeling frustrated?
I'm sorry, shit! I still don't necessarily believe in you, I just need someone to talk to. If you don't want to, whatever. But I thought you were supposed to be my FATHER. Isn't that the way it goes between parents & their kids, the kids only call when things go sour?
Yes, yes. I was just being a douche. Sorry. I am here for you whether you believe in me or not. I believe in YOU!
Dude, I'm not here for a Positive Energy Pep Talk.
Go on, I'm listening. No more pep talk. You are angry & frustrated. What's going on in your life that could be making you feel this way?
I don't know. If I knew I wouldn't be here talking to you, would I?
Hey chick, you came to me! I'm just trying to help!
I know, I'm sorry! See what I mean? I'm turning into this ugly, heinous witch!
I think I am bored, but surely that can't be all of it. It's like, I'm finally in a stable time in my life, and it's boring me to tears!!!!
You are used to drama, fluctuation, ups & downs. You aren't used to calmness & serenity.
Right. I mean, I have a good job, a nice place to live that I can actually afford, I have a good reliable car, Taylor has been behaving herself (knock on wood!!), Fletcher & I are getting along great, despite me trying to start fights...I may be living paycheck to paycheck but I am very grateful for that...I would LOVE more then anything to have money in savings and not be broke 2 days after getting paid but that never seems to happen...
So, I heard a couple of things there that maybe behind your frustration. Money is always a huge source of anger & frustration. Let me ask you this, you say you are trying to cause a fight between you and Fletcher. Why?
I don't know.
Really? I bet you do.
Because he's still fucking married & the stupid bitch won't leave & I can't fucking deal with it anymore yet I do, day after day after day after fucking day I sit back and wait for something, ANYTHING, to happen and nothing does! Every fucking day it's the same shit! What more do I have to do? I wrote the stupid bitch a fucking letter telling her everything and yet she's still there! He tells me he doesn't love her, that he's only there for his kids and yada yada yada, I don't believe him when he tells me he doesn't love her but I so badly WANT to believe him. I love him so goddamn much, he is everything, EVERYTHING I have ever wanted, everything I will EVER want in a man, yet he's unavailable, unattainable...I can't be with him the way I want to be despite me asking YOU to help me! You don't help me! You give that Jesus-loving freak bitch he's married to everything!!! She is the biggest hypocrite I have ever known yet she has everything I have ever wanted...she has him....
Wow...Ok. Tell me how you really feel why don't you.
I'm sorry. I'm just...
I know, frustrated.
God, I've tried. I have TRIED to leave him. It almost killed me. The thought of being without him is a thought I just cannot dare to let cross my mind. I tried. I don't want to go through it again. Can't you please just do something with her? Get rid of her? Send her on some frickin mission to some unholy land that needs saved? Better yet, help her pull her head out of her ass & make her take a good long look at herself and her "marriage" & her holier-than-thou Christian beliefs and tell her to leave him? Why is she still there? Why????
Why are you?
What?
Why are you still here? Why are you still in a relationship with a man who isn't going to leave his wife for you?
(silence)
Why should she leave him? Shouldn't he be the one leaving her for you? Look, I love you. You know I do. But I cannot control her, anymore then I can control you. She is choosing to stay married to a man that she knows is completely unfaithful to her just as you are choosing to stay in a relationship with a man who won't leave his wife to be with you. Despite popular opinion, I am not in charge of her. Her journey is her own, just as you journey is your own. Do I like that you are both ignoring me? Honestly, I couldn't care less. What you do with the information I provide you is entirely up to you. If I show you two paths, one that is happy & full of butterflies & gumdrops, & another that is dark & steep and rocky and full of screaming, crying banshees, & you choose the dark path, please don't come crying to me asking me "Why, oh why God have you forsaken me???". I forsake no one. Do you know why? Because I don't care!
What kind of bullshit is that, you don't care???
I love you no matter what you do. I am sorry that you continue to choose the hardest path there is, but that is YOUR choice. I love you no matter what you do. When you sit in your chair at night, watching TV & eating all the crap there is in your cabinets, I still love you. I try to show you as simply as I can that that isn't a healthy choice and it isn't going to make you happy, but you do it anyway. I still love you. When I show you in no uncertain terms that he isn't going to leave his wife to be with you, and she isn't going to leave him, and as long as you remain in a relationship with a married man you are going to feel alone and frustrated and angry, yet you continue to do that same thing and watch the years tick by, I still love you.
But he loves me.
Yes, yes he does. I can tell you that. He does love you. But you and I BOTH know that he loves HIMSELF more. Why do you think he won't let you go? Because you make him feel good! You make him happy! Why do you think he won't let her go? Because she makes him feel good. Being married to her makes him look good. He is so concerned with what everyone thinks, how he APPEARS to everyone that he is willing to do whatever he has to do to maintain that lie, and you my dear are part of it. I know you where in alot of pain last year when you tried to leave him. I know that the letter you wrote didn't do what you hoped it would do and now you feel lost, like you've given up. I'm sorry sweetie, but there is nothing I can do about that but try to show you, again, all the things you already know. Yes, if you choose to stay with him you will continue to feel frustrated, lonely, angry, but you will still have him & his love in your life. Yes, if you choose to leave him you are going to hurt, you are going to cry, you are going to question why you have to go through all of this, you are going to question why you can't be with the man of your dreams. But I am telling you, and I know you don't believe me, but I am telling you that if you leave him you will be ok. You will get through the hard part and you will be ok. I am not a fortune teller and frankly I don't care about the future. I am eternal, the future isn't a big deal for me, so I can't see if you are going to meet someone who will be able to dedicate his life to you, someone you can spend the rest of you life with. But what I can tell you is that if you choose to leave him you will feel better about yourself.
I can't. The pain I feel just thinking about it....I can't!
If you can't bear the pain that comes from leaving him, then learn to deal with the emotions that come from staying.
I've tried.
Well, if you have tried and still haven't figured out how to deal with them, maybe that is another little clue trying to tell you something. Why don't you people ever listen to me?
I do listen. I do. I just choose to ignore all your wonderful advice and do what I want. Why do I do that? I just don't understand....
Me either.
I love him. I feel loved BY him. Doesn't that count for anything?
Of course it does. Don't discount his love, it is real. But, and he can't help this, it is who he is, as real as the love he feels for you is, he will ALWAYS put himself first. Always.
I wish I could.
You can.
God, why? Why did I meet him, fall in love with him, start having all these hopes & dreams about him...all when you knew I could never truly be with him the way I want to? Why?
Sometime I bring someone into your life to help you make your way out of the darkness that you are in. When you met him you were in darkness and you needed help out. When I showed you the signs that it wasn't meant to be long term, you ignored them. When I sent more signs, and more signs, and more signs, you ignored ALL of them. It is not my responsibility that you stayed past the time I thought you needed him. You needed a life preserver to get you out of the deep...you are in shallow water now, just put your feet down and you will see that you can let go.
No.
Ok, then don't.
I can't!
Yes, you can. There is NOTHING that you can't do. You can do ANYTHING.
Can I fly?
No. Shut up.
I'm sorry sweetie, but it's up to you. I love you, I don't care what you do. I hate to see you hurting, but there is nothing I can do about it. When I came up with this big plan, I thought to myself that as long as the many many pieces of me know that they are part of the whole and that they are truly loved, they will be fine, they will be happy, they will flourish and know heaven in their lives. It hasn't worked out as well as I'd hoped. But I do love you, no matter what.
I know. Thank you.
Hang in there. I'm always here when you need to talk.
When am I gonna win the lottery?
When's the last time you bought a lottery ticket???
Yeah...I gotta go. Thanks for listening. I love you too.
Yo, dude, are you still up there? Nah, that only works when I'm rocking the ghange (which i NEVER do!) Holy crap, was that thunder I just heard???
God, I have a few questions for you if you have a minute or two...
For you, I have 10 minutes.
Gee, thanks.
You're welcome!
Whatever. So, what the hell?
Is that you're first question?
No! Jesus!
He's not here, he's busy whispering funny shit into people's ears to see what they do.
Wow. So look, I've been feeling very frustrated lately, feeling alot of anger. Not at anyone in particular, just a general sense of anger...
And frustration?
Yes. Frustration.
Hey, I thought you didn't believe in me? Why are you coming to me with this now? You don't talk to me when things are going well, why do you only come to me when you're feeling frustrated?
I'm sorry, shit! I still don't necessarily believe in you, I just need someone to talk to. If you don't want to, whatever. But I thought you were supposed to be my FATHER. Isn't that the way it goes between parents & their kids, the kids only call when things go sour?
Yes, yes. I was just being a douche. Sorry. I am here for you whether you believe in me or not. I believe in YOU!
Dude, I'm not here for a Positive Energy Pep Talk.
Go on, I'm listening. No more pep talk. You are angry & frustrated. What's going on in your life that could be making you feel this way?
I don't know. If I knew I wouldn't be here talking to you, would I?
Hey chick, you came to me! I'm just trying to help!
I know, I'm sorry! See what I mean? I'm turning into this ugly, heinous witch!
I think I am bored, but surely that can't be all of it. It's like, I'm finally in a stable time in my life, and it's boring me to tears!!!!
You are used to drama, fluctuation, ups & downs. You aren't used to calmness & serenity.
Right. I mean, I have a good job, a nice place to live that I can actually afford, I have a good reliable car, Taylor has been behaving herself (knock on wood!!), Fletcher & I are getting along great, despite me trying to start fights...I may be living paycheck to paycheck but I am very grateful for that...I would LOVE more then anything to have money in savings and not be broke 2 days after getting paid but that never seems to happen...
So, I heard a couple of things there that maybe behind your frustration. Money is always a huge source of anger & frustration. Let me ask you this, you say you are trying to cause a fight between you and Fletcher. Why?
I don't know.
Really? I bet you do.
Because he's still fucking married & the stupid bitch won't leave & I can't fucking deal with it anymore yet I do, day after day after day after fucking day I sit back and wait for something, ANYTHING, to happen and nothing does! Every fucking day it's the same shit! What more do I have to do? I wrote the stupid bitch a fucking letter telling her everything and yet she's still there! He tells me he doesn't love her, that he's only there for his kids and yada yada yada, I don't believe him when he tells me he doesn't love her but I so badly WANT to believe him. I love him so goddamn much, he is everything, EVERYTHING I have ever wanted, everything I will EVER want in a man, yet he's unavailable, unattainable...I can't be with him the way I want to be despite me asking YOU to help me! You don't help me! You give that Jesus-loving freak bitch he's married to everything!!! She is the biggest hypocrite I have ever known yet she has everything I have ever wanted...she has him....
Wow...Ok. Tell me how you really feel why don't you.
I'm sorry. I'm just...
I know, frustrated.
God, I've tried. I have TRIED to leave him. It almost killed me. The thought of being without him is a thought I just cannot dare to let cross my mind. I tried. I don't want to go through it again. Can't you please just do something with her? Get rid of her? Send her on some frickin mission to some unholy land that needs saved? Better yet, help her pull her head out of her ass & make her take a good long look at herself and her "marriage" & her holier-than-thou Christian beliefs and tell her to leave him? Why is she still there? Why????
Why are you?
What?
Why are you still here? Why are you still in a relationship with a man who isn't going to leave his wife for you?
(silence)
Why should she leave him? Shouldn't he be the one leaving her for you? Look, I love you. You know I do. But I cannot control her, anymore then I can control you. She is choosing to stay married to a man that she knows is completely unfaithful to her just as you are choosing to stay in a relationship with a man who won't leave his wife to be with you. Despite popular opinion, I am not in charge of her. Her journey is her own, just as you journey is your own. Do I like that you are both ignoring me? Honestly, I couldn't care less. What you do with the information I provide you is entirely up to you. If I show you two paths, one that is happy & full of butterflies & gumdrops, & another that is dark & steep and rocky and full of screaming, crying banshees, & you choose the dark path, please don't come crying to me asking me "Why, oh why God have you forsaken me???". I forsake no one. Do you know why? Because I don't care!
What kind of bullshit is that, you don't care???
I love you no matter what you do. I am sorry that you continue to choose the hardest path there is, but that is YOUR choice. I love you no matter what you do. When you sit in your chair at night, watching TV & eating all the crap there is in your cabinets, I still love you. I try to show you as simply as I can that that isn't a healthy choice and it isn't going to make you happy, but you do it anyway. I still love you. When I show you in no uncertain terms that he isn't going to leave his wife to be with you, and she isn't going to leave him, and as long as you remain in a relationship with a married man you are going to feel alone and frustrated and angry, yet you continue to do that same thing and watch the years tick by, I still love you.
But he loves me.
Yes, yes he does. I can tell you that. He does love you. But you and I BOTH know that he loves HIMSELF more. Why do you think he won't let you go? Because you make him feel good! You make him happy! Why do you think he won't let her go? Because she makes him feel good. Being married to her makes him look good. He is so concerned with what everyone thinks, how he APPEARS to everyone that he is willing to do whatever he has to do to maintain that lie, and you my dear are part of it. I know you where in alot of pain last year when you tried to leave him. I know that the letter you wrote didn't do what you hoped it would do and now you feel lost, like you've given up. I'm sorry sweetie, but there is nothing I can do about that but try to show you, again, all the things you already know. Yes, if you choose to stay with him you will continue to feel frustrated, lonely, angry, but you will still have him & his love in your life. Yes, if you choose to leave him you are going to hurt, you are going to cry, you are going to question why you have to go through all of this, you are going to question why you can't be with the man of your dreams. But I am telling you, and I know you don't believe me, but I am telling you that if you leave him you will be ok. You will get through the hard part and you will be ok. I am not a fortune teller and frankly I don't care about the future. I am eternal, the future isn't a big deal for me, so I can't see if you are going to meet someone who will be able to dedicate his life to you, someone you can spend the rest of you life with. But what I can tell you is that if you choose to leave him you will feel better about yourself.
I can't. The pain I feel just thinking about it....I can't!
If you can't bear the pain that comes from leaving him, then learn to deal with the emotions that come from staying.
I've tried.
Well, if you have tried and still haven't figured out how to deal with them, maybe that is another little clue trying to tell you something. Why don't you people ever listen to me?
I do listen. I do. I just choose to ignore all your wonderful advice and do what I want. Why do I do that? I just don't understand....
Me either.
I love him. I feel loved BY him. Doesn't that count for anything?
Of course it does. Don't discount his love, it is real. But, and he can't help this, it is who he is, as real as the love he feels for you is, he will ALWAYS put himself first. Always.
I wish I could.
You can.
God, why? Why did I meet him, fall in love with him, start having all these hopes & dreams about him...all when you knew I could never truly be with him the way I want to? Why?
Sometime I bring someone into your life to help you make your way out of the darkness that you are in. When you met him you were in darkness and you needed help out. When I showed you the signs that it wasn't meant to be long term, you ignored them. When I sent more signs, and more signs, and more signs, you ignored ALL of them. It is not my responsibility that you stayed past the time I thought you needed him. You needed a life preserver to get you out of the deep...you are in shallow water now, just put your feet down and you will see that you can let go.
No.
Ok, then don't.
I can't!
Yes, you can. There is NOTHING that you can't do. You can do ANYTHING.
Can I fly?
No. Shut up.
I'm sorry sweetie, but it's up to you. I love you, I don't care what you do. I hate to see you hurting, but there is nothing I can do about it. When I came up with this big plan, I thought to myself that as long as the many many pieces of me know that they are part of the whole and that they are truly loved, they will be fine, they will be happy, they will flourish and know heaven in their lives. It hasn't worked out as well as I'd hoped. But I do love you, no matter what.
I know. Thank you.
Hang in there. I'm always here when you need to talk.
When am I gonna win the lottery?
When's the last time you bought a lottery ticket???
Yeah...I gotta go. Thanks for listening. I love you too.
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