can't put my finger on ti

i can't put my finger on it. there is this sense that something is coming, some sort of change. it isn't scary, other then i can't put my finger on it. it isn't a feeling a dread. it just feels like things are going to be different. different. different.

things have been the same for a while. life has gotten better, but it has been essentially the same for a long time. i work. i love. i come home. sometimes i work out. i pay my bills the best i can. sometimes i blow my money on stupid shit then i have to be creative with my financing for the rest of the week. sometimes i eat well, sometimes i eat like shit. i am happy, i am sad, i am mad, i laugh, i cry. things have been the same for a long time. the same. the same. the same.

i need something to change. i need a change. change. change. change.

what? my job? no, unless i win the lottery. i like my job. i love my job to be honest. it can be mundane, frustrating, stressful. it can also be hysterical, i can feel the love that my coworkers have for each other, i can feel that my supervisor cares for us, that our big boss cares for us. it's really nice to feel that. i like my job. i like where i work, it's a really nice building. i really like the people i work with. no, unless i win the lottery, i don't want my job to change.

what? my finances? of course! i always dream of what it would be like to not have to worry about money. i see people all around me that spend money like they have it and i wonder what that would be like. would it make me happier to not have to buy generic all the time, or be able to tell my kids "Sure, we can buy that, throw it in the basket." would i be happy if i drove a car manufactured in this century? if i lived in a nicer place? if i could go on vacation and not have to debate on my mode of transportation or search for the cheapest hotel? of course. i have always wanted my money situation to change, so i don't think that is the change i am sensing. but then again maybe it is...i don't know! if it is, i'll take it as long as its a change for the better. i have been to the bottom and i never want to go back. if i have to be where i am for the rest of my life i'll take it as long as i never have to survive on less. that sucks. been there, done that, don't wanna do it again. but i would take change for the better.

i like where i live. its fairly quiet, its affordable, its convenient to work and shopping, etc. i have never really had the desire to own my own place. sure it would be nice to paint the walls a different color or have carpeting any other color than beige but those are pretty minor things. i would like a garage, but i would probably just have it so loaded with junk that i would still have to park my car outside. i really like where i live. there are lots of deer and bunny's and the ladies in the office are super nice. my neighbors pretty much mind their own business. i guess if i won the lottery i would move up in the world, but until then i'm good where i am.

my love life. yes, i said it. i know how people feel about that. everyone including the object of my affection says i deserve better. better then a man who loves me for everything that i am and has never tried to change me? better then a man who tells me everyday that he loves me and that his heart belongs to me? everyone says our relationship is wrong. love is wrong? i love him. he loves me. no one has ever looked at me the way he does. we have known each other for a long time and strangely enough we love each other more now then we did a year ago. i have tried to break us up deliberately. what more could i do then write to his wife and tell her everything??? i wrote to her CHURCH for crying out loud! & that letter i signed! i tried to break us up and we survived it. he has tried to break us up and we have survived it. he is my best friend. no one has ever understood me like he does. no one have ever tried to understand me like he does. he knows my stupid stories, he doesn't mind when i tell them over & over again like an Alzheimer's patient. he makes me laugh, me makes me cry. if i could ask god or the universe, whatever, for one wish it would be for him to be with me, for us to be together the way i know we deserve to be. that is the one thing i would change. i wouldn't change a thing about him. i would just change his situation to give him the opportunity to be with me, where he belongs. i wouldn't ask for millions or a hot body or a better nose or a mansion to live in or a fancy car or a flat screen TV....i would ask for him to be with me. that is the thing i would change if i could.

but is that the change i can feel coming? i don't know. i still can't put my finger on it. but i can feel it. something is going to be different. i am going to have money, or he and i are going to be together, or i am going to move but not just across town. maybe it will be something else. whatever it is, i can feel it. things are going to be different. in a good way, i can feel that too. how can i tell? because when i think about it, whatever it is, i smile. change is good.

it's not my place

I'm not her mom. Hell, I'm not even her stepmom. I have known her since she was 11 or 12, mostly from a distance for the past 3 years or so. But I love her. I love her so much, probably more then I have the right to. I see where she is going, I recognize it clearly because I've been down that road, and I am afraid for her.

Her dad and stepmom raised her to know right from wrong. They laid a foundation for her that made the world her oyster. She had an incredible opportunity to see the world and have adventures that I have only dreamed of. She was raised to have morals and values, to respect people and herself. Her father taught her discipline, her stepmom nurtured her spiritually. They both showed her how much they loved her. Why now, after leaving their home to go out on her own way, has she forgotten all of that?

I know what it's like to search outside myself for love and acceptance. I think we all do. I think it is more of a rarity to find a person who genuinely loves themselves enough that they can live with or without a significant other, they have enough self-respect to say no when someone wants them to join in a ridiculous adventure that could end in disaster, and they care enough about themselves to listen to people who are older and wiser then them, to learn from their experiences, and to recognize what is good for them or bad for them. I am not one of those people. Correction, I wasn't one of those people. When I was young up until just a few years ago I was constantly on the search for someone to love me, someone to accept me, someone to show me that I deserved to be loved and accepted. It never occurred to me that I was just such a person, that I would find that love and acceptance that I so desperately needed inside myself. I think this is what my young friend is going through and I am helpless to stop it.

I have lectured her (via facebook, both publicly & privately) and argued with her new friends and family that think she is going to be just fine and life is great and swell and filled with rainbows and candy canes. She wants to hear what they have to say. She refuses to listen to those of us that know her...her sister, her uncle, her parents, me. Those of us that know her are dying inside because we are so worried about her. Her new family and friends fill her head with thoughts of romance and houses with white picket fences and smiling laughing babies that never cry or get sick or shit all over the place. That is what she wants to hear. I have tried to tell her that she needs help but I am overwhelmingly cast as the villain by the "everything is gonna be great!" crowd. Because I am not 100% supportive of her, that means I don't love her.

I want to send a message to her "boyfriend" telling him that the world is not all sunshine and lollipops, that having a sex on a daily basis with a girl he barely knows doesn't not mean he is in love with her, and having a baby is the last thing the two of them should be doing. I want to message her and tell her that her dad loves her and if she needed him he would be there for her. I want to drive across country and grab her by the ears, sit her down and yell at her until she snaps out of it.

It's not my place. I'm not her mom. Hell, I'm not even her stepmom. I'm just someone who loves her. What that gives me is the opportunity to gracefully bow out, to let her know, hey if you ever need me I'll be there but I can't stand by and watch you walk down the path I've already been down cuz while I'm ok now, I haven't always been and that path comes dangerously close to the edge. Being someone who loves her lets me let her go.

I love you Moose. I'll be here if you need me.

knocked up

(disclaimer...before reading this, know that I love my children and do not regret my decision to have them on my own. that being said, i hope my kids make better, more thoughtful decisions and do it right, both for themselves and for their children.)

A young lady I love very dearly happily announced that she is going to be a mommy on facebook. That should be a wonderful occasion but to me it brought back memories that I hoped she would never have to live through. You see, she is unwed, has known the father for less then 3 months, is 19 years old, doesn't have a job, isn't in college, etc & so forth. She did graduate from high school so she has that going for her. Unfortunately that's about all she has going for her.

There is a show on television called Teen Mom (or something like that)...I have never watched it nor do I ever plan on watching it. I don't need to watch a "reality" show about what it's like to be a teenage mother, I lived it. While researching statistics I could present to my young friend I came across an article called "The Real Reality of Being a Teen Mom" written by Robyn Margulis on pressofatlanticcity.com that articulated very well what I feel is one of the main reasons why teen girls get knocked up* (besides the obvious). Here is what I believe is the most significant quote from the article:

"The reality T.V. exploitations have, indeed, included some heartfelt mothering moments that demonstrate the pure and dynamic bond between mother and child that is inevitable no matter what the age of the mother. What do you suppose is the result for those insecure teens whose existence is marked by loneliness and a lack of love?

When I was pregnant (as an adult), I remember feeling so special because of the way I was treated by others. For the entire nine months of both pregnancies I recall being treated with kid gloves by friends, family, and strangers who would constantly ask how I was feeling or whether I needed assistance.

Now imagine as a young, impressionable girl who has no support system, but an incessant sense of loneliness and feeling unloved. Suddenly, by becoming pregnant, your existence completely changes: Your friends are treating you like a porcelain doll; your boyfriend (hopefully, if he is still in the picture) is treating you like a queen; ... Heck yeah, where do I sign up?"

When I got knocked up at the age of 19, I too was a high school graduate, I had one year of college under my belt, I was enlisted in the Air Force...my future was mapped out for me. All that changed with a night of unprotected sex with a boy I thought I loved. Needless to say, we didn't get married, as a matter of fact I think the night he was planning to break up with me is the night I told him I was in trouble. Maybe 21 years ago it was different but I was so ashamed of myself, I remember crying and crying when I got the results of the pregnancy test. I was so scared, I had no idea what I was going to do. I was so terrified to tell my parents (my mother still believed that I was a virgin...things have sure changed in a couple decades). If there had been facebook when I was 19 I most certainly wouldn't be proudly proclaiming that I was going to be joining the ranks of unwed mothers living on welfare and other government assistance. I love my children so much and I am extremely proud of the man my son has grown to be, but having lived through it I know what kind of challenges she is going to face. If she could see into her future and the future of her unborn child, she would not be rejoicing, she would be panicking. She hasn't ruined her life but "her" life as she knows it is over. Everything that she does is going to be that much harder. Her idea of becoming a dental hygienist, while still possible, is going to be so much more difficult and stressful and will more then likely come 2nd to the baby. Her days of drinking and smoking and being a carefree young woman are over. Being able to do whatever you want whenever you want...kiss those days bye-bye my dear young friend.

I suppose my lectures are a wee bit too late since she is already knocked up. Her baby-daddy posted on facebook that she didn't plan this...I'm sorry boy-who-has-known-her-for-less-then-3-months, I'm afraid to tell you but yes, she did plan it. If a young unmarried woman isn't on the pill or some other sort of birth control, and is having unprotected sex with a boy she barely knows, she planned on getting knocked up. If you aren't trying to prevent an "unplanned pregnancy" by taking the proper precautions, you are planning to get pregnant. I can say this from experience. I look back on the dumb kid I was when I got knocked up with my son and I wasn't using protection, I wasn't on the pill, and I was having sex with a boy I barely knew. What the hell else did I think was going to happen? I had a driver's ed teacher a long time ago who said "Accidents don't happen. Somewhere along that road, someone did something, whether unintentional or not, that caused a collision". Accidental pregnancies don't happen. Wait, maybe they do: if a married woman who is taking birth control and whose husband uses a condom and pulls out gets pregnant, that's pretty close to being an accident. But they were still having sex! If you are an otherwise healthy person who hasn't had their tubes tied or their balls cut off, the only sure way to not get pregnant is to not have sex (immaculate conception doesn't count!).

I'm really sorry, but I just can't find it in me to congratulate the young couple on their upcoming bundle of joy. Nor can I rejoice in the amount of young girls that think having a baby is going to solve their loneliness and feelings of not being loved. Let me tell you from experience, when the friends are gone and the guy is gone and you're sitting in your subsidised apartment at 3 o'clock in the morning with a screaming baby, you will understand loneliness and feeling unloved. The only thing I can do is wish them luck. I hope they are as lucky as I am and their child grows up to be the kind of man my son is. I'm still working on my daughter, but with perseverance and strength I will show her that she is loved and it is ok and normal to feel lonely sometimes, and that she doesn't have to search outside of herself for anything, she has everything she needs inside. God help me, please.


*I'm sorry, but I try to reserve the term "pregnant" to women who are emotionally & financially stable enough to handle a baby, who are either in a committed relationship or have planned to have a baby on their own because the relationship thing never panned out, knowing full well the difficulty they will face raising a child by themselves. when you have unprotected sex and find yourself missing your period as a result, you're knocked up.

hope floats, but so does shit

How is it that I have lost all hope of ever having the kind of life with him (or anyone else) that I have dreamt of for so long, yet I am so completely incapable of letting go?
He still has hope: hope of a life with me, hope of being in each other's lives, hope of sharing our love and our hearts with each other from now until the end of time. Is he full of shit, am I stupid for believing him, or does he really love me and dreams of being with me, somehow, someday, even if its 9-10 years from now when his youngest daughter graduates high school and he can feel free to leave his wife (or be released from his prison, as he states it)?
I'm not stupid & I truly do not believe he is full of shit. I have been involved with men where I have been fooled at the beginning but have eventually recognized them for what kind of men they truly were, whether that be abusive, lazy, a drug addict, a leech, a player or straight-up asshole. It is when that recognition finally takes place that I have been able to let go & walk away without the slightest glance back and been able to look forward to the future. In the past, while involved with a man I have always found other men interesting, attractive, tempting, sexy, etc. I have had moments of temptation and weakness where it would have been very easy to cheat on the man I was involved with. I have flirted with other men, I have even kissed other men while being in a relationship. I have never gone so far as to sleep with someone while committed to someone else, but the thought has definitely crossed my mind.

Since we met, none of these things have happened to me. I have found other men interesting but only mildly. I had a bit of a crush on a coworker who had a nice ass but when I realized that's ALL he had the crush ended. I have noticed very attractive, sexy men (I'm not DEAD) but none have been as attractive or sexy to me as he is. I have heard lines in poems and songs and romantic movies that say, "when we met there was suddenly no one else for me" but I could never relate to that. Now I can.

I wish I was just being stupid. I wish I could tell that he was being dishonest or manipulative. I wish he was using me. If he was, eventually I would realize that and I would tell him where to go, I would move on without a look behind me and I would start looking forward to the future. The only future I see is one with him in it. I can't see a future without him. When I try all I see is a snowy screen with white noise.
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In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments. ~Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human, 1878


In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

i want one person to know

"I am in love with this woman, I have been for the last 7 years."
It's what I've always wanted to hear him say in front of people. He didn't for the longest time. For many years we were "friends" to everyone outside of us. I didn't bullshit anyone, I told everyone as soon as I realized how much he meant to me, what he meant to me. Not him. It hasn't been until recently that he has started admitting to others what he feels for me. He said this the other night to a friend of his. Later, when we were alone, we were talking about our present state of affairs (pun intended) and he said, "I said I was in love with you in front of *name omitted for his protection*. Doesn't that tell you how much you mean to me?" "Yes, it does. But you haven't admitted to the one person I want to know more then anyone else in this world what I mean to you. Does she know that you are in love with me?"
He said, "She knows I love you."
"Does she know you are IN LOVE with me?"
"She knows I love you."
"Tell me exactly how it came about that she knows that you love me? How did you tell her? (I already knew, I just wanted to know if there was more then just the one occasion) Was it after she got the letter when she was interrogating you about me?"
"Yes, she said, 'What does she mean to you, do you love her? And I said 'Yeah"."

:/

I want the world to know how he feels about me. I want him to shout it from the roof tops, announce it on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve, publish it in the New York Times, pay oodles of money for a 15 second spot during the Super Bowl letting the world know that he is in love with me. But if none of that can happen, I would die happy if SHE knew he was in love with me, and not via second hand knowledge or rumor or happening upon a blog written by a crazy woman. I want him to look into her eyes and say "I am IN LOVE with her".

Is that cruel? I suppose it is. Sometimes the truth can be cruel. Believe me, I know all about that. The truth of knowing that despite "being in love with me" he still hasn't left her for me is pretty fucking cruel. The truth that even though she knows all about me and his affair, she stays and, as far as I can tell, has no real plans on leaving is cruel. But being cruel isn't my only motivation in wanting to hear him admit it to her. I need the validation. Yes, that is a bullshit thing and I'm not proud of it, but I need to be validated. My love for him and his love for me, our relationship, it may as well never have existed if she lives the rest of her life not knowing that he is in love with me. Yes, I'm going to hell for that, but at least I won't have to see her there.

(disclaimer: all feelings are subject to change. nothing is permanent. one may feel one way on any given day, this does not in any way imply that said person will not feel differently on a different day.)

dog's purpose (i copied this from an email, i couldn't resist)

Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old)

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why.''
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.
He said,''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?''
The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

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this is me now :)
When i was young, from a preteen through my early 20's, we had a black lab mix named Cindy. Our house was surrounded by farm land, at least 80 acres where she could run around chasing rabbits and squirrels, an occasional skunk. There was a ditch road that went for miles and one of the greatest pleasures I had was walking along that ditch road with Cindy for a couple hours as she ran to the river and back, jumping in and out of the ditch, running way ahead of me then looking back to make sure I was still coming. That dog would run!!! If we were outside, she was on the go! In the summer after a thunderstorm had rumbled through, a huge mud puddle would always take over the drive way and she loved just flopping down in that puddle, belly down, back legs outstretched behind her...she would have the dopiest look on her face but we all knew she was having a fantastic time!

Cindy lived a long, happy life. We put her down when she was about 14 years old; she couldn't see very well, she could barely hear, she had a very hard time walking...but no matter how much she hurt if she heard the word WALK that girl's tail was waggin and she headed for the door! Cindy was an amazing friend. I was a teenager so of course I was going through a great deal of teenaged angst, crying over a crush or fighting with my mom, disappointed over a lost ball game, mad because I couldn't watch Miami Vice! The world was ending every other day! If Cindy saw me crying she wasn't having it, she would come over to me & lick my face until I stopped! I would push her away, tell her to leave me alone, but she wouldn't stop until I stopped crying and started laughing. She was a good girl.

We had other dogs, Cookie and Milo, both wonderful dogs in their own ways. We got Cookie, another Lab mix, while Cindy was still alive. We wanted her to train him before she left us! She did a great job, he too loved to run! A couple years after she passed away, Cookie, Milo & I were on a walk down that same ditch road. Those two dogs were pretty lazy compared to ole Cindy. Both of them were huffin and puffin, laying in the shade every chance they got. I said, "Boy, you two lazy dogs couldn't keep up with Cinderella! She woulda been to the river & back before you two even left the yard!" (yes, i talk to my dogs like they are humans!) Just then, I felt something brush by my leg and rush passed me. I knew instantly that it was Cindy! I said outloud to the lolly-gaggers, "See, there she goes now!!" I felt her spirit run passed me like she had never stopped running, never slowing down, with all the enthusiam and happiness that she had when she was young. It was a moment I will never forget.

I absolutely love this: ''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?'' The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long." That is the truth!

Live life like a DOG! lol!

gray & white sweater

stupid kid. when a reasonably attractive older woman hits on you, go for it.

jackass.