How have your felt judged by others? How have you judged others? What judgments have you observed? Think about it, next time you're in traffic or in line at the grocery store and you are thinking about someone near you in a less then kind way, or getting an impression about them just from how they are dressed or how they stand or if their hair is neat or a big mess, whether that person is a stranger to you or you've known them for your entire life, how are you judging them? Do you think thoughts about yourself when you look in the mirror? How are you judging yourself? These are just a few examples of how I have been judged, how I have judged others, judgments I have observed, and how I have judged myself. What can you add to the list?
Judge me because I'm gay.
Judge me because I'm straight.
Judge me because I'm female.
Judge me because I'm male.
Judge me because I'm white.
Judge me because I'm black.
Judge me because I have brown hair.
Judge me because I have no hair.
Judge me because I'm extremely hairy.
Judge me because I have brown eyes.
Judge me because I'm blind.
Judge me because I have freckles.
Judge me because my teeth are crooked.
Judge me because my teeth are straight.
Judge me because I'm thin.
Judge me because I'm overweight.
Judge me because I eat meat.
Judge me because I don't eat meat.
Judge me because I smoke weed.
Judge me because I smoke cigarettes.
Judge me because I don't smoke.
Judge me because I'm Christian.
Judge me because I'm not Christian.
Judge me because I'm Muslim.
Judge me because I'm Jewish.
Judge me because I'm atheist.
Judge me because I'm poor.
Judge me because I'm wealthy.
Judge me because I'm blond.
Judge me because I'm a foreigner.
Judge me because my nails are long.
Judge me because I chew my nails.
Judge me because I cuss.
Judge me because I am well-spoken.
Judge me because I didn't graduate high school.
Judge me because I didn't go to college.
Judge me because I went to college.
Judge me because I run.
Judge me because I don't run.
Judge me because I have red hair.
Judge me because I don't go to church.
Judge me because I go to church.
Judge me because I don't have a job.
Judge me because of the job I have.
Judge me because my car is black.
Judge me because my car is old.
Judge me because my car is brand new.
Judge me because I own my home.
Judge me because I am homeless.
Judge me because I rent.
Judge me because I still live with my parents.
Judge me because I love football.
Judge me because I don't understand sports.
Judge me because I drive a big 4x4 pickup truck.
Judge me because I drive a rice burner.
Judge me because I ride a motorcycle.
Judge me because I joined the military.
Judge me because I didn't join the military.
Judge me because I have a beard.
Judge me because I have acne.
Judge me because I wear tight pants.
Judge me because I my pants are loose.
Judge me because I love guns.
Judge me because I hate guns.
Judge me because I have an accent.
Judge me because I live in the city.
Judge me because I live on a farm.
Judge me because I drink alcohol.
Judge me because I hate beer.
Judge me because my hair is long.
Judge me because I don't say Thank You.
Judge me because I don't recycle.
Judge me because I recycle.
Judge me because I eat fast food.
Judge me because I grow my own food.
Judge me because I'm a dog person.
Judge me because I'm a cat person.
Judge me because I don't like animals.
Judge me because I have tattoos.
Judge me because I pierced my nose.
Judge me because I'm a witch.
Judge me because I'm a bitch.
Judge me because I'm a virgin.
Judge me because I like sex.
Judge me because I hate myself.
Judge me because I love myself.
Judge me because I exercise.
Judge me because I'm a couch potato.
Judge me because I wear revealing clothes.
Judge me because I wear a lot of makeup.
Judge me because I don't wear makeup.
Judge me because my clothes cover me up.
Judge me because I'm tall.
Judge me because I'm short.
Judge me because I'm political.
Judge me because I have no interest in politics.
Judge me because I say Happy Holidays.
Judge me because I use styrofoam.
Judge me because I have an iphone.
Judge me because I'm right.
Judge me because I'm wrong.
Judge me because I struggle.
Judge me because I am successful.
Judge me because I'm healthy.
Judge me because I have a disease.
Judge me because I'm happy.
Judge me because I'm sad.
Judge me because I love to laugh.
Judge me because I take things seriously.
Judge me because nothing is serious to me.
Judge me because I talk loud.
Judge me because I'm talented.
Judge me because I'm opinionated.
Judge me because I'm single.
Judge me because I'm married.
Judge me because I'm divorced.
Judge me because I have children.
Judge me because I don't have children.
Judge me because I never want children.
Judge me because I'm a loner.
Judge me because I have a busy social life.
Judge me because I talk with a lisp.
Judge me because I drive fast.
Judge me because I drive slow.
Judge me because I have a big butt.
Judge me because I have a tiny hiney.
Judge me because I learn at a slower pace.
Judge me because I'm a genius.
Judge me because I've gotten into trouble with the law.
Judge me because I have changed.
Judge me because I'm the same as I've always been.
Judge me because I am conservative.
Judge me because I am liberal.
Judge me because I'm an extremist.
Judge me because of the music I listen to.
Judge me because I play video games.
Judge me because I skate.
Judge me because I'm in a wheelchair.
Judge me because I have a lot.
Judge me because I have nothing.
Judge me because I was given everything I have.
Judge me because I have earned everything I have.
Judge me because I'm optimistic.
Judge me because I'm pessimistic.
Judge me because I'm a girl who likes to dress like a boy.
Judge me because I'm a boy who has more fashion sense than most girls.
Judge me because I look like one but feel like the other.
Judge me because I like things neat and tidy.
Judge me because I'm a slob.
Judge me because I care what celebs are doing.
Judge me because I pay no attention to famous people.
Judge me because I'm different than you.
Judge me because I think we are all the same.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Stop telling me what to do, or what NOT to do.
I ate a big, HUGE taco salad today and now I feel like shit. I knew I would when I made the personal choice to eat it. I knew it would be sitting in my guts like a rock all day, yet I still chose to eat that delicious, artery-blocking, fart-producing, fat-ass-making taco salad. It was my personal choice and I'm paying for it, dearly! Maybe the government should ban taco salads! THAT will keep me from eating them, since I'm too stupid to know that the choice I am making right now will make me feel bad later. Thank you!
We should be allowed to make personal choices. If I want to eat a big, fat taco salad, I am allowed. If I want to smoke a cigarette while drinking a shot of whiskey, I am allowed (I do neither). If I want to stick a needle full of heroine into my arm, or sit around all weekend smoking meth and not eating, or snorting cocaine up my nose, or having sex for money, or paying for sex, or carry a gun everywhere I go (this is a HUGE change for me, I used to be sooooo anti-gun it was ridiculous), I should be allowed. If we allowed people to make personal choices, no matter what the consequences of those choices, maybe our choice-making would be a little bit more careful. Maybe not. Either way, if someone chooses to do something that they know can kill them, let them! 200+ plus people have died climbing Mt. Everest. They choose to pay $25,000 just for the permit to climb a mountain that they know may kill them. They are allowed to do this! Will I ever do it? Hell NO! It makes absolutely no sense to me. But hey, if you want to risk your life, go for it! Will I ever do heroine? Hell NO! It makes absolutely no sense to me. Again, if you want to risk your life for a quick high, do it. It is just my opinion that laws against personal choice should be abolished. If a person's choice brings harm only to themselves, then that person should be allowed to do it. Stop telling me what to do, or actually what NOT to do!
Laws that protect everyone else are needed...traffic laws, laws against rape, murder, incest, any law that makes it illegal for one person to bring harm to another, keep those laws. Any law that prevents me from making a choice that may or may not bring harm to myself, get rid of those. Yes I know, a lot of people are affected when someone dies of an overdose, it's not just the individual who died. I'm sorry, I totally get that. But it doesn't change my mind. I don't want my son to smoke but he does. Am I afraid he is going to die? You betcha I am! But he is making an educated decision. He isn't stupid. Just like me when I ate that taco salad today, I knew I would feel like shit later. But it was my personal choice. I just wish people would stop trying to control everything everyone else does. If you don't want to do it, then don't. But let me make my own decision!
We should be allowed to make personal choices. If I want to eat a big, fat taco salad, I am allowed. If I want to smoke a cigarette while drinking a shot of whiskey, I am allowed (I do neither). If I want to stick a needle full of heroine into my arm, or sit around all weekend smoking meth and not eating, or snorting cocaine up my nose, or having sex for money, or paying for sex, or carry a gun everywhere I go (this is a HUGE change for me, I used to be sooooo anti-gun it was ridiculous), I should be allowed. If we allowed people to make personal choices, no matter what the consequences of those choices, maybe our choice-making would be a little bit more careful. Maybe not. Either way, if someone chooses to do something that they know can kill them, let them! 200+ plus people have died climbing Mt. Everest. They choose to pay $25,000 just for the permit to climb a mountain that they know may kill them. They are allowed to do this! Will I ever do it? Hell NO! It makes absolutely no sense to me. But hey, if you want to risk your life, go for it! Will I ever do heroine? Hell NO! It makes absolutely no sense to me. Again, if you want to risk your life for a quick high, do it. It is just my opinion that laws against personal choice should be abolished. If a person's choice brings harm only to themselves, then that person should be allowed to do it. Stop telling me what to do, or actually what NOT to do!
Laws that protect everyone else are needed...traffic laws, laws against rape, murder, incest, any law that makes it illegal for one person to bring harm to another, keep those laws. Any law that prevents me from making a choice that may or may not bring harm to myself, get rid of those. Yes I know, a lot of people are affected when someone dies of an overdose, it's not just the individual who died. I'm sorry, I totally get that. But it doesn't change my mind. I don't want my son to smoke but he does. Am I afraid he is going to die? You betcha I am! But he is making an educated decision. He isn't stupid. Just like me when I ate that taco salad today, I knew I would feel like shit later. But it was my personal choice. I just wish people would stop trying to control everything everyone else does. If you don't want to do it, then don't. But let me make my own decision!
Monday, July 15, 2013
what I SHOULD have said is....
I've starting to get less irritated when thoughts of particular people come into my head, or a certain thought repeats itself over and over, or a line from a song plays again and again and again, ringing in my ears with it's mysterious message, waiting for me to give it the attention needed to figure out what it's trying to tell me. I'm learning to stop and listen to that thought or song because the sooner I pay attention to it, the sooner I can figure out what it's message is.
One such "random" thought popped into the forefront of my mind today as I was trying to concentrate on anything other then my Dad and what he is going through. As I was attempting to be in the moment by feeling each brush stroke through my hair and sensing the smoothness of my skin under my fingers as I gently spread my facial lotion on, I heard her voice saying "For someone who doesn't believe in God you sure were screaming his name pretty loudly." My hands dropped from my face to the sink and I looked at my reflection and said "Really? You're gonna bring that bitch up NOW?" I quickly retracted the term of endearment and allowed the memory surrounding this question to come through.
It was last summer and my daughter and I had the great pleasure of going to Lake Powell with the "family that I used to consider my second family but now I try very hard not to consider at all". I am not being sarcastic when I refer to it as a great pleasure: it was fantastic! Lake Powell is a beautiful place, the weather was perfect, the water was amazing, and I felt very fortunate to be experiencing such a great weekend. I was out on the tube with my daughter and my two "nieces" being towed behind the boat at what seemed like break-neck speeds. We were being flung from side to side, over the waves and back again. I was holding on for dear life and screaming "Oh Goooooodddddddd!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs! I was having the time of my life! Sure I was scared, but not because I thought I was going to die. I hadn't been tubing for a very long time and the amount of adrenaline pumping through my veins was enough to kill an elephant! Well, maybe not, but I was having a blast! I wasn't screaming "Oh God" because I was praying to "God" to save me from a life-threatening situation. I was screaming it because it's what I do. Believe me, I scream "Oh God" for a LOT of different reasons...for example, the other night I was watching a particularly frightening episode of Ghost Hunters & cried out "Oh my God!" a couple of times! Dirty minds! My point is, even the most adamant of Atheists' uses the term "Oh God" or "Oh my God" or "OMG" several times a day, that doesn't mean they are calling on God. Devout followers of the Ten Commandments would say using this phrase in this way is a sin...yeah, whatever. I don't feel that way so that has no validity for me. I was having an amazing time experiencing something I hadn't done in many years and probably wouldn't do again for many more, and in my excitement and yes, fear, I yelled "Oh Goooooooodddddddddddddd!!!!" very loudly. After being catapulted from the tube and somersaulting over the surface like a skipping stone, I was dragged back onto the boat to catch my breath and remove water from my lungs. This is when the ever-so-kind statement "For someone who doesn't believe in God you sure were screaming his name pretty loudly" was made by the matriarch of the family in the most condescending tone you could imagine.
Now, my question is "Why did this memory pop into my head this morning as I was trying to clear my mind from any thoughts of my Dad's situation?" I still don't know why. I don't know why she continues to pop into my head, going against every effort I have made to never think of her again. I was going through this internal dialog as I continued to get ready for work and realized that there must be some unfinished business to attend to with her and her family and therefore I continue to experience their surprise appearances in my thoughts and dreams. I don't know what the unfinished business is or else I would certainly finish it. Until then I will welcome the random thoughts about her and her three offspring with open arms. Actually I have been trying something lately that has worked wonders: each night before falling asleep I say "I banish the ________ family from my dreams" and I don't dream about them. I know it works because the nights that I forget to say that, they inevitably make an appearance.
You may be wondering how I responded to her statement that day on the boat. I was pretty water-logged and upset because I had lost my glasses in my tumble over the surface of Lake Powell (I know, I know, I shouldn't have been wearing them! Sheesh!). I was checking to make sure I hadn't lost my liver or any of my teeth out in the water so I can't recall exactly what I told her, something like "I never said I don't believe in God. I believe in God very much, just not the Bible-totting, judgmental & punishing God that most people believe in." I don't think the conversation went on very long. This morning I started going through the whole litany of things I SHOULD have said, like "I believe in God more then you do! At least I don't fake it at every holiday dinner and stumble through an awkward prayer thanking our Heavenly Father for the corn when all I really want to say is "It was the aliens!"" or "When's the last time YOU screamed OH God like that?" I stopped my thoughts after allowing a few good jabs to come up, then silently forgave her for being who she is. I look back on that trip now and I release the hatefulness she was expressing and hold onto the gift of the sunset on Lake Powell and the warmth of the water and the wonder of the rock walls as they rise out of the dark blue water. What a weekend it was! Places like that, days like that are perfect examples to me that there is a God, and I am very thankful that I got to experience it.
One such "random" thought popped into the forefront of my mind today as I was trying to concentrate on anything other then my Dad and what he is going through. As I was attempting to be in the moment by feeling each brush stroke through my hair and sensing the smoothness of my skin under my fingers as I gently spread my facial lotion on, I heard her voice saying "For someone who doesn't believe in God you sure were screaming his name pretty loudly." My hands dropped from my face to the sink and I looked at my reflection and said "Really? You're gonna bring that bitch up NOW?" I quickly retracted the term of endearment and allowed the memory surrounding this question to come through.
It was last summer and my daughter and I had the great pleasure of going to Lake Powell with the "family that I used to consider my second family but now I try very hard not to consider at all". I am not being sarcastic when I refer to it as a great pleasure: it was fantastic! Lake Powell is a beautiful place, the weather was perfect, the water was amazing, and I felt very fortunate to be experiencing such a great weekend. I was out on the tube with my daughter and my two "nieces" being towed behind the boat at what seemed like break-neck speeds. We were being flung from side to side, over the waves and back again. I was holding on for dear life and screaming "Oh Goooooodddddddd!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs! I was having the time of my life! Sure I was scared, but not because I thought I was going to die. I hadn't been tubing for a very long time and the amount of adrenaline pumping through my veins was enough to kill an elephant! Well, maybe not, but I was having a blast! I wasn't screaming "Oh God" because I was praying to "God" to save me from a life-threatening situation. I was screaming it because it's what I do. Believe me, I scream "Oh God" for a LOT of different reasons...for example, the other night I was watching a particularly frightening episode of Ghost Hunters & cried out "Oh my God!" a couple of times! Dirty minds! My point is, even the most adamant of Atheists' uses the term "Oh God" or "Oh my God" or "OMG" several times a day, that doesn't mean they are calling on God. Devout followers of the Ten Commandments would say using this phrase in this way is a sin...yeah, whatever. I don't feel that way so that has no validity for me. I was having an amazing time experiencing something I hadn't done in many years and probably wouldn't do again for many more, and in my excitement and yes, fear, I yelled "Oh Goooooooodddddddddddddd!!!!" very loudly. After being catapulted from the tube and somersaulting over the surface like a skipping stone, I was dragged back onto the boat to catch my breath and remove water from my lungs. This is when the ever-so-kind statement "For someone who doesn't believe in God you sure were screaming his name pretty loudly" was made by the matriarch of the family in the most condescending tone you could imagine.
Now, my question is "Why did this memory pop into my head this morning as I was trying to clear my mind from any thoughts of my Dad's situation?" I still don't know why. I don't know why she continues to pop into my head, going against every effort I have made to never think of her again. I was going through this internal dialog as I continued to get ready for work and realized that there must be some unfinished business to attend to with her and her family and therefore I continue to experience their surprise appearances in my thoughts and dreams. I don't know what the unfinished business is or else I would certainly finish it. Until then I will welcome the random thoughts about her and her three offspring with open arms. Actually I have been trying something lately that has worked wonders: each night before falling asleep I say "I banish the ________ family from my dreams" and I don't dream about them. I know it works because the nights that I forget to say that, they inevitably make an appearance.
You may be wondering how I responded to her statement that day on the boat. I was pretty water-logged and upset because I had lost my glasses in my tumble over the surface of Lake Powell (I know, I know, I shouldn't have been wearing them! Sheesh!). I was checking to make sure I hadn't lost my liver or any of my teeth out in the water so I can't recall exactly what I told her, something like "I never said I don't believe in God. I believe in God very much, just not the Bible-totting, judgmental & punishing God that most people believe in." I don't think the conversation went on very long. This morning I started going through the whole litany of things I SHOULD have said, like "I believe in God more then you do! At least I don't fake it at every holiday dinner and stumble through an awkward prayer thanking our Heavenly Father for the corn when all I really want to say is "It was the aliens!"" or "When's the last time YOU screamed OH God like that?" I stopped my thoughts after allowing a few good jabs to come up, then silently forgave her for being who she is. I look back on that trip now and I release the hatefulness she was expressing and hold onto the gift of the sunset on Lake Powell and the warmth of the water and the wonder of the rock walls as they rise out of the dark blue water. What a weekend it was! Places like that, days like that are perfect examples to me that there is a God, and I am very thankful that I got to experience it.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
it's not about God, it's about me
Back in January when I decided to change my way of thinking I started off by doing simple candle spells. I am not Wiccan but I do see the wonderful, positive aspects of it and I am very interested in some of the rituals used in the practice of Wicca. I stuck with simple candle spells, making them even more simple by not doing an entire ritual as rituals can get fairly complicated. Basically what I did was light a white candle and thank the Universe for this day, light a few green candles and thank the Universe for delivering my abundance to me, etc. Sometimes I would recite a particular spell while lighting a green candle, focusing on money coming into my life. I would use different colored candles for different things depending on what I was focusing on, but I rarely did an entire ritual. I found a lot of comfort in seeing a candle burning as I searched for a house or paid my bills, I would find a deeper sense of connection to the Universe as I meditated knowing that I had lit a candle in honor of the desire I was trying to manifest. I may not have been doing the candle magic exactly as was described, but I felt better then I had in a long time so whatever I was doing was working.
Since I've bought my house and moved I haven't done any candle magic and I can tell. I miss seeing my candles burning, I miss the flash of positive energy I get when I notice the light flickering all over the room, I miss the connection to the Universe I feel while giving thanks as I concentrate my thoughts on what I am trying to manifest. A friend of mine let me borrow a book on Advance Rituals and I was reading through some of the steps last night thinking to myself, "I'm not going to put this much effort into this. I just want to light my candle, say a little prayer, and move on with my day." I started thinking that the magic won't work unless I do it exactly as the book says, then this whole conversation started in my head, "Wait, if you don't believe in what Wiccan's believe in, why do their rituals? Besides, if you have faith in the Universe and you know God knows what you want, then you don't have to keep repeating yourself over and over. It's like a kid saying 'Mom, can I have some candy? Mom? Can I have some candy? Can I have some candy Mom? Mom? Please? Mommy??' God doesn't need to be reminded over and over and over again what you want, God is fully aware of all of my wants and needs and will deliver them when the time is right."
This inner dialog continued on as I drove to work, then DING, out of the blue a thought flashed through my mind and shut all the other thoughts up. I was sitting at a red light and had to find a piece of paper to write the thought down before it combined with the rest of the gobbledy-guk in my head. This is exactly what I wrote, "Candles aren't for God, they are for me. They are to remind me that all things are through God, they are to increase my faith in myself and that I deserve what God wants me to have. It's to increase MY vibration to match the vibration of what I desire." Light turns green. At the next light I wrote this, "God is always connected to us. It is we who lose the connection, not God."
Lighting candles, doing rituals, praying, going to church...to me all these things are for us, not for God, whomever your God is. I never used to understand why people had to go to church multiple times a week or carry their bible around with them, or wear a crucifix. I am starting to get it now, at least get it enough to help me not be so judgemental. Whatever way you use to keep your connection to your God, keep doing it. I think I'll make some of my own candles this time, it will increase my magic!
Since I've bought my house and moved I haven't done any candle magic and I can tell. I miss seeing my candles burning, I miss the flash of positive energy I get when I notice the light flickering all over the room, I miss the connection to the Universe I feel while giving thanks as I concentrate my thoughts on what I am trying to manifest. A friend of mine let me borrow a book on Advance Rituals and I was reading through some of the steps last night thinking to myself, "I'm not going to put this much effort into this. I just want to light my candle, say a little prayer, and move on with my day." I started thinking that the magic won't work unless I do it exactly as the book says, then this whole conversation started in my head, "Wait, if you don't believe in what Wiccan's believe in, why do their rituals? Besides, if you have faith in the Universe and you know God knows what you want, then you don't have to keep repeating yourself over and over. It's like a kid saying 'Mom, can I have some candy? Mom? Can I have some candy? Can I have some candy Mom? Mom? Please? Mommy??' God doesn't need to be reminded over and over and over again what you want, God is fully aware of all of my wants and needs and will deliver them when the time is right."
This inner dialog continued on as I drove to work, then DING, out of the blue a thought flashed through my mind and shut all the other thoughts up. I was sitting at a red light and had to find a piece of paper to write the thought down before it combined with the rest of the gobbledy-guk in my head. This is exactly what I wrote, "Candles aren't for God, they are for me. They are to remind me that all things are through God, they are to increase my faith in myself and that I deserve what God wants me to have. It's to increase MY vibration to match the vibration of what I desire." Light turns green. At the next light I wrote this, "God is always connected to us. It is we who lose the connection, not God."
Lighting candles, doing rituals, praying, going to church...to me all these things are for us, not for God, whomever your God is. I never used to understand why people had to go to church multiple times a week or carry their bible around with them, or wear a crucifix. I am starting to get it now, at least get it enough to help me not be so judgemental. Whatever way you use to keep your connection to your God, keep doing it. I think I'll make some of my own candles this time, it will increase my magic!
Monday, May 20, 2013
SAT's ain't got nothin on the Universe!
"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."- Carl Jung
I have come across this concept several times in my personal journey: the idea that something that bothers me about someone else is a reflection of something in me that I need to work on. I have found this idea one of the more difficult to get a grasp on, but thank goodness the Universe keeps sending me opportunities to figure out exactly what it means.
This lesson is currently coming in the form of a couple of people that are bugging the living crap out of me. I find that our difference of opinion and our view on certain events is so far separated, it's almost as if we are talking about completely different things. I KNOW what I am talking about, but I have no idea what they are thinking or talking about. I truly cannot grasp how they see these events so differently then I do. It's almost twilight zone-esque. Baffling.
I have been trying to figure out what it means to see myself in them, to see their behavior, thoughts, ideas, etc as a reflection of something I need to work on in myself, but the concept is so inconceivable: that what annoys me the most about them is reflecting something inside me that is just like them. The first person is so blind to the second person's actions and attitude, and the second person is completely self-centered, selfish and condescending. I used to see said second person the same way the first person does, but a few years ago I began to see chinks in the armor, and eventually the entire facade fell apart and I realized the pedestal this person was placed upon was entirely made of bullshit. Now, that is not second person's fault...we cannot help what other's think of us, it is not our responsibility if other's see us as deities when deities we are not. It was very painful for me to accept the fact that this person was indeed a real person and not the golden child I had believed. But I learned to accept that person in this new light, and I moved on, or tried to. Now my dislike for this person is all based on this person's own merit, not on the opinions of others! It's very freeing! My question about this is: how is the selfishness, the self-centeredness, the arrogance, the uncaring nature of this person, how is THAT a reflection of me?
I am starting to see how fear of discovering what I have discovered about the this person may be keeping the other one in the cocoon of admiration: the pain of realizing someone isn't who they think that person is could be preventing them from seeing the truth. That helps me to let go of some of my judgement and frustration, but letting go completely has been challenging, especially after hearing the edited version of events as the first person sees them. Regardless of the differences in the view of events between this person and me, I am still pondering how the aspects of these two folks that I find so annoying, so disturbing, so grossly different from me could be reflecting a part of me that I need to work on. Oh, I have no doubt that I am just as annoying and disturbing to them. I'm alright with that, I am not worried about how other's see me anymore. I know that how they see me is on them and has nothing to do with me. I am searching for my own truth by way of the Universe's lesson that is being presented to me using these two people.
This weekend my daughter and I saw "The Host". It was an adaption of a book written by Stephenie Meyer. The concept is Earth has been taken over by an alien race that implants themselves into humans, essentially kicking the human soul out and using the body to save the planet. The alien race views themselves as peaceful, they do not lie, they trust each other completely, and they do not resort to violence. The aliens have eliminated most human souls and have saved the planet from all the damage we humans have done to it and it is now thriving, the ozone layer has recovered, air pollution is gone, all species (except human) are flourishing, etc. Of course there is a small band of rebel humans that are fighting to survive while hiding from the alien invaders. This movie resonated with me this way: you can't force anyone to do something they are not ready to do even if you think it is for their best interest or for the greater good, no matter how much it has helped you; and sometimes giving up the fight is the simplest thing to do to get someone/something out of your head. I felt grateful and peaceful after watching "The Host". It stirred up thoughts in my mind that eventually connected me to the answers I have been searching for in this lesson the Universe has been trying to teach me. When I least expected it, I realized that the aspects of myself that were reflecting back at me from the two people who I had found so baffling and completely disturbing were A) My need to prove myself right; and B) My need to defend myself against those that don't accept me. The things that annoy AND enrage me about these two people are things that brought these negative aspects of myself up to the surface so that I could acknowledge them and let them go. It isn't that I am like them somewhere deep inside...it's my reaction to them that needed to be addressed.
My need to prove myself right and my need to defend myself against those that don't accept me...I am very thankful to the people in my life that are helping me let go of these two needs, even if they don't know they are helping me. In their attempt to hurt me and prove me wrong, they have opened my eyes to answers that have eluded me. I can't force anyone to see the truth because it is my truth, and by giving up the fight I can quietly get them out of my mind. In knowing that I don't have to prove myself to anyone and there is nothing to defend, I have found peace.
I have come across this concept several times in my personal journey: the idea that something that bothers me about someone else is a reflection of something in me that I need to work on. I have found this idea one of the more difficult to get a grasp on, but thank goodness the Universe keeps sending me opportunities to figure out exactly what it means.
This lesson is currently coming in the form of a couple of people that are bugging the living crap out of me. I find that our difference of opinion and our view on certain events is so far separated, it's almost as if we are talking about completely different things. I KNOW what I am talking about, but I have no idea what they are thinking or talking about. I truly cannot grasp how they see these events so differently then I do. It's almost twilight zone-esque. Baffling.
I have been trying to figure out what it means to see myself in them, to see their behavior, thoughts, ideas, etc as a reflection of something I need to work on in myself, but the concept is so inconceivable: that what annoys me the most about them is reflecting something inside me that is just like them. The first person is so blind to the second person's actions and attitude, and the second person is completely self-centered, selfish and condescending. I used to see said second person the same way the first person does, but a few years ago I began to see chinks in the armor, and eventually the entire facade fell apart and I realized the pedestal this person was placed upon was entirely made of bullshit. Now, that is not second person's fault...we cannot help what other's think of us, it is not our responsibility if other's see us as deities when deities we are not. It was very painful for me to accept the fact that this person was indeed a real person and not the golden child I had believed. But I learned to accept that person in this new light, and I moved on, or tried to. Now my dislike for this person is all based on this person's own merit, not on the opinions of others! It's very freeing! My question about this is: how is the selfishness, the self-centeredness, the arrogance, the uncaring nature of this person, how is THAT a reflection of me?
I am starting to see how fear of discovering what I have discovered about the this person may be keeping the other one in the cocoon of admiration: the pain of realizing someone isn't who they think that person is could be preventing them from seeing the truth. That helps me to let go of some of my judgement and frustration, but letting go completely has been challenging, especially after hearing the edited version of events as the first person sees them. Regardless of the differences in the view of events between this person and me, I am still pondering how the aspects of these two folks that I find so annoying, so disturbing, so grossly different from me could be reflecting a part of me that I need to work on. Oh, I have no doubt that I am just as annoying and disturbing to them. I'm alright with that, I am not worried about how other's see me anymore. I know that how they see me is on them and has nothing to do with me. I am searching for my own truth by way of the Universe's lesson that is being presented to me using these two people.
This weekend my daughter and I saw "The Host". It was an adaption of a book written by Stephenie Meyer. The concept is Earth has been taken over by an alien race that implants themselves into humans, essentially kicking the human soul out and using the body to save the planet. The alien race views themselves as peaceful, they do not lie, they trust each other completely, and they do not resort to violence. The aliens have eliminated most human souls and have saved the planet from all the damage we humans have done to it and it is now thriving, the ozone layer has recovered, air pollution is gone, all species (except human) are flourishing, etc. Of course there is a small band of rebel humans that are fighting to survive while hiding from the alien invaders. This movie resonated with me this way: you can't force anyone to do something they are not ready to do even if you think it is for their best interest or for the greater good, no matter how much it has helped you; and sometimes giving up the fight is the simplest thing to do to get someone/something out of your head. I felt grateful and peaceful after watching "The Host". It stirred up thoughts in my mind that eventually connected me to the answers I have been searching for in this lesson the Universe has been trying to teach me. When I least expected it, I realized that the aspects of myself that were reflecting back at me from the two people who I had found so baffling and completely disturbing were A) My need to prove myself right; and B) My need to defend myself against those that don't accept me. The things that annoy AND enrage me about these two people are things that brought these negative aspects of myself up to the surface so that I could acknowledge them and let them go. It isn't that I am like them somewhere deep inside...it's my reaction to them that needed to be addressed.
My need to prove myself right and my need to defend myself against those that don't accept me...I am very thankful to the people in my life that are helping me let go of these two needs, even if they don't know they are helping me. In their attempt to hurt me and prove me wrong, they have opened my eyes to answers that have eluded me. I can't force anyone to see the truth because it is my truth, and by giving up the fight I can quietly get them out of my mind. In knowing that I don't have to prove myself to anyone and there is nothing to defend, I have found peace.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Don't go to H-E-Double-Hockeysticks!
I know a young lady who is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She has been through some pretty tumultuous times in her life, yet always finds a way to smile, and more often then not she is laughing, which usually makes everyone around her laugh! I get such incredible energy when I am around her. She is truly a joy to be near.
She recently posted on one of the various social networks: "Karma will always come back to bite you in the butt. And when that day comes Ill just sit and watch....:)"
My first thought was to agree with her. I didn't even know who she was hoping Karma would visit, I still don't, yet I was in complete agreement with her. Then I stopped for a moment and put aside what my instant reaction and thought was, and listened to my heart. This is how I responded to her post:
"i am very hesitant to say anything but i have to. please understand that this is just how I feel about the notion of karma and i am in no way, shape or form trying to make you feel the same way.
I, too, used to anticipate a time when I could witness a Karmic punishment being visited on someone whom i felt had done me wrong and i thought that person deserved it. i would think to myself, "You SOB, you hurt me, you think you know everything, you treated me like shit, i hope you get what you deserve!" etc and so forth for whatever I deemed as a hurtful act made by some person towards me. To be honest with you, the thought still crosses my mind now and then. But I see things differently now and I try very hard to release any ideas I may have about anyone deserving to be punished for their actions via Karma. Hoping that Karma affects someone is a form of judgement and it is a way of holding onto anger, hate, resentment, hurt, loss, pain...negative emotions. It is giving your power to that person. You have one of the most beautiful souls I have ever encountered. You are kind, caring, generous, hilarious, fun and strong. i won't tell you what to do or how to feel, but i just want to say one thing: forgive. When you forgive someone, even if it is in the silence of your heart and that person never knows, then you free yourself from their bondage, you take your power back and you open yourself up to love. don't worry about whether or not karma is going to be visited upon someone else. that isn't your job. your job is to live a full, beautiful, loving and abundant life and to be happy. that's just my humble opinion and it is the way I have chosen to live."
I have to admit that at first I was a little butt-hurt when I didn't get a round of applause! Haha! I know my opinion on Karma is quite different from her's and quite contrary to most of the people in her life so it didn't surprise me when I received no acknowledgement of my brilliant dissertation on letting go of the thoughts of Karma exacting revenge for us. Being completely ignored doesn't change my opinion. I am not very knowledgeable on different cultures definitions of Karma. I only know what I know, and that is when some people use the phrase "Karma is a bitch" or "Karma will take care of them", they don't really know either what Hindu's or Buddhist's believe about Karma. "Karma will get you" when used by God-fearing Christians means "God agrees with me and is going to punish you for what I think you did wrong!".
Previously I've worried about Karma coming back to ME. I don't think I've spent much time contemplating how Karma will punish someone else for what I thought they did wrong to me, it's always been about how Karma was going to punish me for what I thought I did wrong to someone else. That stems from the idea that I deserved whatever had been done to me so I couldn't imagine Karma punishing someone else, especially on MY behalf. Don't call the self-esteem patrol! I don't feel that way anymore, I promise! Even before I awakened to my true spirit, I didn't like wishing bad things on people. I always had the awareness, or at least a sense of awareness, that wishing something bad on someone was actually wishing it on yourself. Even if I hoped someone would be punished, I quite often didn't talk about it because I knew they would have to pay their bill eventually, but it wasn't up to me to determine how or when. I don't remember the last time I told someone to go to H-E-double-hockey-sticks because I didn't want to go there myself (I don't believe in such a place, but that's a subject for a whole other blog)! My very best friend has a habit of saying "I hope _____ gets a cold sore." I think I have finally convinced him to stop saying that, especially when he starts to get that tingling feeling in his lip and he can't kiss his grandkids goodnight for a week or two.
It's the Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated. I have adopted the addition rule of "Think of others as you wish to be thought of" and "Feel about others how you wish them to feel about you". Let the Universe handle Karma and punishment. Forgive and let go. It makes everything so much sweeter!
She recently posted on one of the various social networks: "Karma will always come back to bite you in the butt. And when that day comes Ill just sit and watch....:)"
My first thought was to agree with her. I didn't even know who she was hoping Karma would visit, I still don't, yet I was in complete agreement with her. Then I stopped for a moment and put aside what my instant reaction and thought was, and listened to my heart. This is how I responded to her post:
"i am very hesitant to say anything but i have to. please understand that this is just how I feel about the notion of karma and i am in no way, shape or form trying to make you feel the same way.
I, too, used to anticipate a time when I could witness a Karmic punishment being visited on someone whom i felt had done me wrong and i thought that person deserved it. i would think to myself, "You SOB, you hurt me, you think you know everything, you treated me like shit, i hope you get what you deserve!" etc and so forth for whatever I deemed as a hurtful act made by some person towards me. To be honest with you, the thought still crosses my mind now and then. But I see things differently now and I try very hard to release any ideas I may have about anyone deserving to be punished for their actions via Karma. Hoping that Karma affects someone is a form of judgement and it is a way of holding onto anger, hate, resentment, hurt, loss, pain...negative emotions. It is giving your power to that person. You have one of the most beautiful souls I have ever encountered. You are kind, caring, generous, hilarious, fun and strong. i won't tell you what to do or how to feel, but i just want to say one thing: forgive. When you forgive someone, even if it is in the silence of your heart and that person never knows, then you free yourself from their bondage, you take your power back and you open yourself up to love. don't worry about whether or not karma is going to be visited upon someone else. that isn't your job. your job is to live a full, beautiful, loving and abundant life and to be happy. that's just my humble opinion and it is the way I have chosen to live."
I have to admit that at first I was a little butt-hurt when I didn't get a round of applause! Haha! I know my opinion on Karma is quite different from her's and quite contrary to most of the people in her life so it didn't surprise me when I received no acknowledgement of my brilliant dissertation on letting go of the thoughts of Karma exacting revenge for us. Being completely ignored doesn't change my opinion. I am not very knowledgeable on different cultures definitions of Karma. I only know what I know, and that is when some people use the phrase "Karma is a bitch" or "Karma will take care of them", they don't really know either what Hindu's or Buddhist's believe about Karma. "Karma will get you" when used by God-fearing Christians means "God agrees with me and is going to punish you for what I think you did wrong!".
Previously I've worried about Karma coming back to ME. I don't think I've spent much time contemplating how Karma will punish someone else for what I thought they did wrong to me, it's always been about how Karma was going to punish me for what I thought I did wrong to someone else. That stems from the idea that I deserved whatever had been done to me so I couldn't imagine Karma punishing someone else, especially on MY behalf. Don't call the self-esteem patrol! I don't feel that way anymore, I promise! Even before I awakened to my true spirit, I didn't like wishing bad things on people. I always had the awareness, or at least a sense of awareness, that wishing something bad on someone was actually wishing it on yourself. Even if I hoped someone would be punished, I quite often didn't talk about it because I knew they would have to pay their bill eventually, but it wasn't up to me to determine how or when. I don't remember the last time I told someone to go to H-E-double-hockey-sticks because I didn't want to go there myself (I don't believe in such a place, but that's a subject for a whole other blog)! My very best friend has a habit of saying "I hope _____ gets a cold sore." I think I have finally convinced him to stop saying that, especially when he starts to get that tingling feeling in his lip and he can't kiss his grandkids goodnight for a week or two.
It's the Golden Rule: Treat others as you wish to be treated. I have adopted the addition rule of "Think of others as you wish to be thought of" and "Feel about others how you wish them to feel about you". Let the Universe handle Karma and punishment. Forgive and let go. It makes everything so much sweeter!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Sadness for another isn't a negative emotion
I started down a new road in my life back in January. I came to a fork in the road, so I took it! (Not too sure how many people will get that...moving on) I woke up and looked in the mirror at the negative, hating, envious, self-pitying cry-cry baby I was becoming and said, "I'm done. I am done with all this negativity eaking out of me like the stench from a broken sewer pipe!" And I was done. I picked up where I had left off many years ago on my investigation into the Law of Attraction and spirituality and it's been one incredible manifestation after another. But that isn't what this is about, well, not entirely.
Since Easter 3 families I know or have known in my past have been touched by the death of a loved one. Father, husband, son...I haven't seen him in 30+ years but hearing of his death brought back memories of growing up on Lester Avenue; Barton Ave Elementary School, Saxton Middle School...seeing the names of kids I had in class that I hadn't thought about since I left in 1983 and they are all grown up now, kinda like me... being so far separated by both time and space his death didn't necessarily affect me in a personal way but I still feel for his wife & kids, his parents, his siblings and I hope that they are able to find comfort in their faith. Not to sound uncaring, but his death didn't make me take pause in my journey to a life of fulfillment and happiness. I send my love and hopeful thoughts to his family and allow the memories to fade back into the past.
Then a wonderful woman I work with lost her daughter to addiction. This hit much closer to home. When I found out about it I started feeling this sense of guilt for trying to be happy while she was just starting down a path of grief and sadness. I began to feel more grateful for my life and that brought on even more guilty feelings and questions; are my feelings of gratitude for my life a judgement of her daughter's life? What is this sadness trying to take over my good, positive emotions? I thought, I can't allow myself to feel sadness for my friend because that will derail MY effort to have a better life! I must remain happy, cheerful, optimistic! I can't cry! I can't feel sorry for her or her grandchildren that she is raising, and I certainly can't feel sorry for the young woman whose life was cut short because of her own choices! Stop crying, start laughing and charge through the barriers in the way of my life of abundance and happiness!
Fast forward one week...another death, another life cut short. Another woman, equally as wonderful as the first, I work with's husband. You've got to be kidding me, right? How can this be possible? I never met him but I love her! The details don't matter, all that matters is another family is going through an unimaginable tragedy and will be affected by that one moment for the rest of their lives. The loss of a child, the loss of a husband...I think about these two ladies that I have come to love and my heart hurts. I can't stop the flow of tears that push at the dam I have built to block negative thoughts from entering into my mind and my heart. Then I realized something; feeling sadness, feeling heartache for another person, this is not negative emotion. It is love. It means that I care about them, I care about their families, I am so incredibly sorry for both of their losses, and I feel so grateful for the life I have and the things I have experienced, ALL things, good & bad, easy & hard, ugly & beautiful. Feeling sadness, feeling empathy for another human being whose life has been forever changed by a tragedy is not negative...it's what a loving person does.
Celebrate your life. I know this is a cliche, but live your life as if today is your last. Don't put off telling those that you love that you love them! Don't make a bucket list of things you want to do before you die...DO THEM!!!! Don't feel guilty for being happy when others are sad. Everyone has their own journey to take, don't belittle someone else's journey by making yours less. We all deserve to live full, happy, abundant lives and it is our choice to do so. About 7 1/2 years ago a dear man was walking to his truck after a long day of work, I am sure he was looking forward to going home to see his boys and his wife, to settling down in his chair and eating dinner, maybe calling his Dad and bs-ing with him while watching his favorite TV show until bed time...as he walked across that open space from the barn to his truck he was struck by lightening and killed. That still makes me cry to this day. I think about that man more then I thought. I let his death affect my life so much...it's a guilt thing, ya know? How can I continue to try to make my life better, how can I continue to be happy when he's dead and his family is suffering? The truth is, it is dishonoring to someone who has passed away to NOT continue to have a good life, to NOT continue to make your life better. In expanding your life, in increasing your happiness, your abundance, your love, you HONOR those who have passed away. It is right to feel sadness for the families that have been affected by their loved one's death, but it isn't right to use that as an excuse for your life sucking.
To Steve's family, to Kim and Dani: I am so sorry for your loss. May you find comfort in your faith.
Kim and Dani, I love you both. It truly has been a pleasure getting to know both of you. I will honor you and your families by living my life to the fullest, by allowing good into my life, by loving completely and without fear. I send my loving, positive thoughts to you. May the Universe embrace you with love and comfort. These tears I shed for you are tears of joy for I know in my heart that your loved ones are safe in the true love of God. I love you.
Steven, Katie and Jimmy: Have a good journey home. Infinite love and peace is there, where we all will be someday. Rest in Peace.
Since Easter 3 families I know or have known in my past have been touched by the death of a loved one. Father, husband, son...I haven't seen him in 30+ years but hearing of his death brought back memories of growing up on Lester Avenue; Barton Ave Elementary School, Saxton Middle School...seeing the names of kids I had in class that I hadn't thought about since I left in 1983 and they are all grown up now, kinda like me... being so far separated by both time and space his death didn't necessarily affect me in a personal way but I still feel for his wife & kids, his parents, his siblings and I hope that they are able to find comfort in their faith. Not to sound uncaring, but his death didn't make me take pause in my journey to a life of fulfillment and happiness. I send my love and hopeful thoughts to his family and allow the memories to fade back into the past.
Then a wonderful woman I work with lost her daughter to addiction. This hit much closer to home. When I found out about it I started feeling this sense of guilt for trying to be happy while she was just starting down a path of grief and sadness. I began to feel more grateful for my life and that brought on even more guilty feelings and questions; are my feelings of gratitude for my life a judgement of her daughter's life? What is this sadness trying to take over my good, positive emotions? I thought, I can't allow myself to feel sadness for my friend because that will derail MY effort to have a better life! I must remain happy, cheerful, optimistic! I can't cry! I can't feel sorry for her or her grandchildren that she is raising, and I certainly can't feel sorry for the young woman whose life was cut short because of her own choices! Stop crying, start laughing and charge through the barriers in the way of my life of abundance and happiness!
Fast forward one week...another death, another life cut short. Another woman, equally as wonderful as the first, I work with's husband. You've got to be kidding me, right? How can this be possible? I never met him but I love her! The details don't matter, all that matters is another family is going through an unimaginable tragedy and will be affected by that one moment for the rest of their lives. The loss of a child, the loss of a husband...I think about these two ladies that I have come to love and my heart hurts. I can't stop the flow of tears that push at the dam I have built to block negative thoughts from entering into my mind and my heart. Then I realized something; feeling sadness, feeling heartache for another person, this is not negative emotion. It is love. It means that I care about them, I care about their families, I am so incredibly sorry for both of their losses, and I feel so grateful for the life I have and the things I have experienced, ALL things, good & bad, easy & hard, ugly & beautiful. Feeling sadness, feeling empathy for another human being whose life has been forever changed by a tragedy is not negative...it's what a loving person does.
Celebrate your life. I know this is a cliche, but live your life as if today is your last. Don't put off telling those that you love that you love them! Don't make a bucket list of things you want to do before you die...DO THEM!!!! Don't feel guilty for being happy when others are sad. Everyone has their own journey to take, don't belittle someone else's journey by making yours less. We all deserve to live full, happy, abundant lives and it is our choice to do so. About 7 1/2 years ago a dear man was walking to his truck after a long day of work, I am sure he was looking forward to going home to see his boys and his wife, to settling down in his chair and eating dinner, maybe calling his Dad and bs-ing with him while watching his favorite TV show until bed time...as he walked across that open space from the barn to his truck he was struck by lightening and killed. That still makes me cry to this day. I think about that man more then I thought. I let his death affect my life so much...it's a guilt thing, ya know? How can I continue to try to make my life better, how can I continue to be happy when he's dead and his family is suffering? The truth is, it is dishonoring to someone who has passed away to NOT continue to have a good life, to NOT continue to make your life better. In expanding your life, in increasing your happiness, your abundance, your love, you HONOR those who have passed away. It is right to feel sadness for the families that have been affected by their loved one's death, but it isn't right to use that as an excuse for your life sucking.
To Steve's family, to Kim and Dani: I am so sorry for your loss. May you find comfort in your faith.
Kim and Dani, I love you both. It truly has been a pleasure getting to know both of you. I will honor you and your families by living my life to the fullest, by allowing good into my life, by loving completely and without fear. I send my loving, positive thoughts to you. May the Universe embrace you with love and comfort. These tears I shed for you are tears of joy for I know in my heart that your loved ones are safe in the true love of God. I love you.
Steven, Katie and Jimmy: Have a good journey home. Infinite love and peace is there, where we all will be someday. Rest in Peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)