inception

i just watched Inception and my mind is blown! i know i'm a little late, lots and lots of people have already watched it. but i just watched it and my mind is blown.

i can't tell you how many times i have WISHED that i could put just the tiniest little thought into another persons head. nothing harmful...ok, well most of the time nothing harmful. just the hint of an idea; for example i wish to god that i could put the idea of divorce into her mind, enough of an idea to make her take action and not just think about it. i have wished i could get into that thick frickin head of hers and show her the things he and i do to each other, the way he tells me he loves me, the words he uses to describe his marriage: prison, life sentence with a chance of parole in 10-12 years, a mistake...i have dreamt over and over about her seeing us together so that she would finally choose to leave him because she would have the proof she needs, she would KNOW. how many times have i wished i could get into a guys head and make him believe that he was meant to be with me, that i was the perfect woman for him (i'm pretty thankful that that dream hasn't come true). how many times have i thought, "this absolutely cannot be my reality...this sucks! this HAS to be a dream!" only to realize that yup, this suck ass shit is my reality. the same goes for the wonderful times; as i am laying in his arms and looking at his amazing face the thought always crosses my mind "i am dreaming right now. it is an incredible dream, it feels so real, i can hear his heartbeat and feel the warmth of his breath on my neck, but as real as it seems it has to be a dream". its when he gets up and has to leave that i realize that i hadn't been dreaming, he REALLY was holding me in his arms and whispering my name.

i feel sorry for people that have such a strong foothold in reality that they can't seem to lose themselves in their dreams, or are so afraid of losing a dream-like moment when the reality returns that they can't allow themselves to just sit back and enjoy the moment for what it is. sometimes dreams are so much better then reality, but some moments in life are so incredible that they beat anything we could have ever dreamed. i believe that if something can be dreamt of or thought of then it is possible. imagine if the concept of Inception was possible...blows my frickin mind! it makes me wanna go to sleep right now and dream about planting that little seed into her head, or just dream about my life with him. either one works for me.

catch-22

"A Catch-22, coined by Joseph Heller in his novel Catch-22, is a logical paradox arising from a situation in which an individual needs something that can only be acquired by not being in that very situation; therefore, the acquisition of this thing becomes logically impossible. Catch-22s are often spoken with regard to rules, regulations, procedures, or situations in which one has knowledge of being or becoming a victim but has no control over it occurring.Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/catch-22#ixzz1HucyluDi".

i don't see myself as a victim. i am responsible for my choices and actions. i am lonely because i stay with a man who can't be with me the way i wish he could be with me, but that loneliness is very small in comparison to the pain i feel when i try to leave him. today i am blue because i spent time with him this weekend. i love spending time with him yet spending time with him makes the time i am apart from him more difficult.

i crave spending time with him. when i do get to spend time with him my mind is preoccupied with the moment that the time we are spending together will end. after spending time with him i miss him more then i did before, therefore needing to spend more time with him.

everyday i choose to be in a situation that is painful for me. i choose to stay in a relationship with a man that can't be with me the way i wish he could because he chooses to stay in a marriage that, according to what he tells me, he feels is a prison in order to save his children from the pain of a divorce. i try to tell him that i could make him happy, that a life with me doesn't mean a life without his children and that if we were together i would do everything i could to make sure his life with his children didn't change. his point of view is a life with me means a life separated from his children. he knows he would be happy with me and wants a life with me but he would be unhappy because he thinks he would be without his kids. he stays married to a woman he doesn't want to be married to because he wants his children to be happy, which makes him happy. he stays in a relationship with me because he loves me and being with me makes him happy. being without his children makes him miserable. being without me makes him miserable. being with him this way makes me miserable. being without him makes me miserable.

when i listen to my brain and i break up with him with the idea that i will move on and find a man who can be with me the way i wish he could be with me, i am so completely miserable that i find it difficult to breath, to be alive. somedays i can deal with it just fine. somedays i find it an impossible situation. somedays i think, a little patience is all i need and someday my loyalty and love will be rewarded with a life with him. somedays i think, what a crock of shit! somedays i want to grab her by the neck and tell her, "you stupid bitch! he fucks me as often as he can, he tells me he can't wait until the day he can divorce you, he tells me he dreams of being married to me, he calls you a vindictive bitch that would ruin his life at the first opportunity you have!" somedays i want to hear her side of it, i want to hear the bs he tells her to keep her around, is the same sort of bs he tells me to keep me around? somedays i just want to win the lottery and move as far away from here as i can, a place where no one knows me and he will never find me. somedays i want her to do the same thing so i can have him to myself.

everyday i love him. somedays i wish i didn't...but i still do.

sorry about springin that on you

i hope it's not too late for me to retrain my daughter to NOT talk about every single thing that is going on in her life. I for years have had that very bad habit and now I am starting to regret it. You see, when you talk and talk and talk to your friends and family about how much it hurts to be in love with someone you can't be with the way everyone thinks is normal and acceptable, don't be upset with the reaction you get when you show up with that person at a party.

To my friends, I'm sorry. I know it upset you. It's my fault. You only know what i have told you and unfortunately most of what i have told you has been painful. it's hard for me to talk about how wonderful i feel when i'm with him, how loved i feel, how safe, how wanted, how accepted, how complete i feel when i'm with him. i know what i've done by only talking about the hard times. i've made him into some sort of evil, ugly asshole. my blabber mouth has turned the man i love into someone that my friends and family hate.

this really sucks. i am such a jackass for putting people i care about into an awkward, uncomfortable situation. for that i am so sorry to everyone involved.

thank you for caring enough about me to be pissed at me for showing up with someone that i have cried on your shoulder about. and thank you for trying your best to be decent to him and for not stabbing him in the eye. i really appreciate that!

i love him. for that i am not sorry. sometimes in life unconventional relationships form. while i can't be with him the way society and my friends and family want me to be, i would rather be with him this way then be without him. the times that i have cut him out of my life i have felt like i was going to die. i am not just sad over a breakup. i want to stop living. the pain of being separated from him is unbearable. the pain of having the sort of relationship that we have pales at the way i feel when we leave each other. if others could experience the way i feel when his hand is in mine, maybe they would understand why i can't just move on. there is no moving on from that feeling. there is no moving on from love.

i choose to be a debbie-downer sometimes!

i woke up feeling quite sorry for myself. it's payday and instead of being happy that i have a job that pays me a decent wage, i was sad because after paying my bills and setting aside money for gas i have basically nothing left. all i could think of was having no money for the next two weeks and how sick and tired i am of living paycheck to paycheck, and feeling jealous of those who don't have to worry about money week after week, and wondering what it would feel like to be those people. i do realize that there are much less fortunate people than I am and I am very lucky to have a good job and a nice apartment and a car that runs and most months I am able to pay my bills on time, blah blah blah. i do know that i should be thankful instead of feeling sorry for myself. i know this. as i sat at my desk at work pondering why i am concentrating so hard on what i don't have instead of the things i DO have, a light bulb went off over my head: i WANT to be sad right now. I don't feel like feeling thankful. I feel like feeling sorry for myself!

i have read so many self-help books on How to Be Happy! and they all say CHOOSE to be HAPPY! i completely understand that and i have even tried to explain it to others. there have been many times when i have purposefully chosen to be happy instead of fall into the trap of being a debbie-downer. its fucking hard! it is a very difficult thing to do. sometimes when life is hard and the world is closing in on me, it is sooooo much easier to just say Screw You Happiness, you ain't takin me this time! i CHOOSE to feel sorry for myself and you ain't gonna make me see the good things in my life! Nope, ain't gonna do it! and there i stand with my eyes squeezed shut and my arms crossed in defiance as the good in life dances all around me. what a schmuck!

ya know, it really is that easy. it is a choice. happiness or sadness, appreciation or taking things for granted, love or hate, taking responsibility for our actions or blaming others...all these are choices that we make everyday. whose fault is it that i am broke 2 minutes after getting paid? i can waste a bunch of time trying to find someone to blame, or i can take a look at myself and very quickly acknowledge that I AM responsible for my poor money management. yeah, its gonna be rough the next couple weeks and it's gonna be slim pickins at the craig house, but i most certainly am not going to starve to death. i could stand to lose a few more pounds anyway! i realized that i have been choosing to be sad, i have very stubbornly been refusing to see the good things i have, i have deliberately been making mountains out of the mole hills in my life. i have WANTED to see myself as broke and less fortunate and i have bathed in the green light of jealousy, allowing it to swallow me whole. It's been a conscious choice.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it's a friggin pain in the ass. i am not a self-help guru and i'm not going to tell everyone it's sooo easy to see things differently. i can just speak for myself. it's very easy for me to see things differently. most of the time life is pretty incredible! most of the time it's an amazing ride with so many incredible sites to see and things to experience. sure, i am lacking in money, but my life is full of so much abundance in lots of other areas. at any moment i can choose to see my abundance and say Thank You Life for what you have given me. alright, dammit! i guess i will! sheesh, a person can't even be negative anymore without that annoying positive voice whispering that it's gonna be alright. Fine, whatever, it's gonna be alright! i hope you're happy now!

lol ;-)

can't put my finger on ti

i can't put my finger on it. there is this sense that something is coming, some sort of change. it isn't scary, other then i can't put my finger on it. it isn't a feeling a dread. it just feels like things are going to be different. different. different.

things have been the same for a while. life has gotten better, but it has been essentially the same for a long time. i work. i love. i come home. sometimes i work out. i pay my bills the best i can. sometimes i blow my money on stupid shit then i have to be creative with my financing for the rest of the week. sometimes i eat well, sometimes i eat like shit. i am happy, i am sad, i am mad, i laugh, i cry. things have been the same for a long time. the same. the same. the same.

i need something to change. i need a change. change. change. change.

what? my job? no, unless i win the lottery. i like my job. i love my job to be honest. it can be mundane, frustrating, stressful. it can also be hysterical, i can feel the love that my coworkers have for each other, i can feel that my supervisor cares for us, that our big boss cares for us. it's really nice to feel that. i like my job. i like where i work, it's a really nice building. i really like the people i work with. no, unless i win the lottery, i don't want my job to change.

what? my finances? of course! i always dream of what it would be like to not have to worry about money. i see people all around me that spend money like they have it and i wonder what that would be like. would it make me happier to not have to buy generic all the time, or be able to tell my kids "Sure, we can buy that, throw it in the basket." would i be happy if i drove a car manufactured in this century? if i lived in a nicer place? if i could go on vacation and not have to debate on my mode of transportation or search for the cheapest hotel? of course. i have always wanted my money situation to change, so i don't think that is the change i am sensing. but then again maybe it is...i don't know! if it is, i'll take it as long as its a change for the better. i have been to the bottom and i never want to go back. if i have to be where i am for the rest of my life i'll take it as long as i never have to survive on less. that sucks. been there, done that, don't wanna do it again. but i would take change for the better.

i like where i live. its fairly quiet, its affordable, its convenient to work and shopping, etc. i have never really had the desire to own my own place. sure it would be nice to paint the walls a different color or have carpeting any other color than beige but those are pretty minor things. i would like a garage, but i would probably just have it so loaded with junk that i would still have to park my car outside. i really like where i live. there are lots of deer and bunny's and the ladies in the office are super nice. my neighbors pretty much mind their own business. i guess if i won the lottery i would move up in the world, but until then i'm good where i am.

my love life. yes, i said it. i know how people feel about that. everyone including the object of my affection says i deserve better. better then a man who loves me for everything that i am and has never tried to change me? better then a man who tells me everyday that he loves me and that his heart belongs to me? everyone says our relationship is wrong. love is wrong? i love him. he loves me. no one has ever looked at me the way he does. we have known each other for a long time and strangely enough we love each other more now then we did a year ago. i have tried to break us up deliberately. what more could i do then write to his wife and tell her everything??? i wrote to her CHURCH for crying out loud! & that letter i signed! i tried to break us up and we survived it. he has tried to break us up and we have survived it. he is my best friend. no one has ever understood me like he does. no one have ever tried to understand me like he does. he knows my stupid stories, he doesn't mind when i tell them over & over again like an Alzheimer's patient. he makes me laugh, me makes me cry. if i could ask god or the universe, whatever, for one wish it would be for him to be with me, for us to be together the way i know we deserve to be. that is the one thing i would change. i wouldn't change a thing about him. i would just change his situation to give him the opportunity to be with me, where he belongs. i wouldn't ask for millions or a hot body or a better nose or a mansion to live in or a fancy car or a flat screen TV....i would ask for him to be with me. that is the thing i would change if i could.

but is that the change i can feel coming? i don't know. i still can't put my finger on it. but i can feel it. something is going to be different. i am going to have money, or he and i are going to be together, or i am going to move but not just across town. maybe it will be something else. whatever it is, i can feel it. things are going to be different. in a good way, i can feel that too. how can i tell? because when i think about it, whatever it is, i smile. change is good.

it's not my place

I'm not her mom. Hell, I'm not even her stepmom. I have known her since she was 11 or 12, mostly from a distance for the past 3 years or so. But I love her. I love her so much, probably more then I have the right to. I see where she is going, I recognize it clearly because I've been down that road, and I am afraid for her.

Her dad and stepmom raised her to know right from wrong. They laid a foundation for her that made the world her oyster. She had an incredible opportunity to see the world and have adventures that I have only dreamed of. She was raised to have morals and values, to respect people and herself. Her father taught her discipline, her stepmom nurtured her spiritually. They both showed her how much they loved her. Why now, after leaving their home to go out on her own way, has she forgotten all of that?

I know what it's like to search outside myself for love and acceptance. I think we all do. I think it is more of a rarity to find a person who genuinely loves themselves enough that they can live with or without a significant other, they have enough self-respect to say no when someone wants them to join in a ridiculous adventure that could end in disaster, and they care enough about themselves to listen to people who are older and wiser then them, to learn from their experiences, and to recognize what is good for them or bad for them. I am not one of those people. Correction, I wasn't one of those people. When I was young up until just a few years ago I was constantly on the search for someone to love me, someone to accept me, someone to show me that I deserved to be loved and accepted. It never occurred to me that I was just such a person, that I would find that love and acceptance that I so desperately needed inside myself. I think this is what my young friend is going through and I am helpless to stop it.

I have lectured her (via facebook, both publicly & privately) and argued with her new friends and family that think she is going to be just fine and life is great and swell and filled with rainbows and candy canes. She wants to hear what they have to say. She refuses to listen to those of us that know her...her sister, her uncle, her parents, me. Those of us that know her are dying inside because we are so worried about her. Her new family and friends fill her head with thoughts of romance and houses with white picket fences and smiling laughing babies that never cry or get sick or shit all over the place. That is what she wants to hear. I have tried to tell her that she needs help but I am overwhelmingly cast as the villain by the "everything is gonna be great!" crowd. Because I am not 100% supportive of her, that means I don't love her.

I want to send a message to her "boyfriend" telling him that the world is not all sunshine and lollipops, that having a sex on a daily basis with a girl he barely knows doesn't not mean he is in love with her, and having a baby is the last thing the two of them should be doing. I want to message her and tell her that her dad loves her and if she needed him he would be there for her. I want to drive across country and grab her by the ears, sit her down and yell at her until she snaps out of it.

It's not my place. I'm not her mom. Hell, I'm not even her stepmom. I'm just someone who loves her. What that gives me is the opportunity to gracefully bow out, to let her know, hey if you ever need me I'll be there but I can't stand by and watch you walk down the path I've already been down cuz while I'm ok now, I haven't always been and that path comes dangerously close to the edge. Being someone who loves her lets me let her go.

I love you Moose. I'll be here if you need me.

knocked up

(disclaimer...before reading this, know that I love my children and do not regret my decision to have them on my own. that being said, i hope my kids make better, more thoughtful decisions and do it right, both for themselves and for their children.)

A young lady I love very dearly happily announced that she is going to be a mommy on facebook. That should be a wonderful occasion but to me it brought back memories that I hoped she would never have to live through. You see, she is unwed, has known the father for less then 3 months, is 19 years old, doesn't have a job, isn't in college, etc & so forth. She did graduate from high school so she has that going for her. Unfortunately that's about all she has going for her.

There is a show on television called Teen Mom (or something like that)...I have never watched it nor do I ever plan on watching it. I don't need to watch a "reality" show about what it's like to be a teenage mother, I lived it. While researching statistics I could present to my young friend I came across an article called "The Real Reality of Being a Teen Mom" written by Robyn Margulis on pressofatlanticcity.com that articulated very well what I feel is one of the main reasons why teen girls get knocked up* (besides the obvious). Here is what I believe is the most significant quote from the article:

"The reality T.V. exploitations have, indeed, included some heartfelt mothering moments that demonstrate the pure and dynamic bond between mother and child that is inevitable no matter what the age of the mother. What do you suppose is the result for those insecure teens whose existence is marked by loneliness and a lack of love?

When I was pregnant (as an adult), I remember feeling so special because of the way I was treated by others. For the entire nine months of both pregnancies I recall being treated with kid gloves by friends, family, and strangers who would constantly ask how I was feeling or whether I needed assistance.

Now imagine as a young, impressionable girl who has no support system, but an incessant sense of loneliness and feeling unloved. Suddenly, by becoming pregnant, your existence completely changes: Your friends are treating you like a porcelain doll; your boyfriend (hopefully, if he is still in the picture) is treating you like a queen; ... Heck yeah, where do I sign up?"

When I got knocked up at the age of 19, I too was a high school graduate, I had one year of college under my belt, I was enlisted in the Air Force...my future was mapped out for me. All that changed with a night of unprotected sex with a boy I thought I loved. Needless to say, we didn't get married, as a matter of fact I think the night he was planning to break up with me is the night I told him I was in trouble. Maybe 21 years ago it was different but I was so ashamed of myself, I remember crying and crying when I got the results of the pregnancy test. I was so scared, I had no idea what I was going to do. I was so terrified to tell my parents (my mother still believed that I was a virgin...things have sure changed in a couple decades). If there had been facebook when I was 19 I most certainly wouldn't be proudly proclaiming that I was going to be joining the ranks of unwed mothers living on welfare and other government assistance. I love my children so much and I am extremely proud of the man my son has grown to be, but having lived through it I know what kind of challenges she is going to face. If she could see into her future and the future of her unborn child, she would not be rejoicing, she would be panicking. She hasn't ruined her life but "her" life as she knows it is over. Everything that she does is going to be that much harder. Her idea of becoming a dental hygienist, while still possible, is going to be so much more difficult and stressful and will more then likely come 2nd to the baby. Her days of drinking and smoking and being a carefree young woman are over. Being able to do whatever you want whenever you want...kiss those days bye-bye my dear young friend.

I suppose my lectures are a wee bit too late since she is already knocked up. Her baby-daddy posted on facebook that she didn't plan this...I'm sorry boy-who-has-known-her-for-less-then-3-months, I'm afraid to tell you but yes, she did plan it. If a young unmarried woman isn't on the pill or some other sort of birth control, and is having unprotected sex with a boy she barely knows, she planned on getting knocked up. If you aren't trying to prevent an "unplanned pregnancy" by taking the proper precautions, you are planning to get pregnant. I can say this from experience. I look back on the dumb kid I was when I got knocked up with my son and I wasn't using protection, I wasn't on the pill, and I was having sex with a boy I barely knew. What the hell else did I think was going to happen? I had a driver's ed teacher a long time ago who said "Accidents don't happen. Somewhere along that road, someone did something, whether unintentional or not, that caused a collision". Accidental pregnancies don't happen. Wait, maybe they do: if a married woman who is taking birth control and whose husband uses a condom and pulls out gets pregnant, that's pretty close to being an accident. But they were still having sex! If you are an otherwise healthy person who hasn't had their tubes tied or their balls cut off, the only sure way to not get pregnant is to not have sex (immaculate conception doesn't count!).

I'm really sorry, but I just can't find it in me to congratulate the young couple on their upcoming bundle of joy. Nor can I rejoice in the amount of young girls that think having a baby is going to solve their loneliness and feelings of not being loved. Let me tell you from experience, when the friends are gone and the guy is gone and you're sitting in your subsidised apartment at 3 o'clock in the morning with a screaming baby, you will understand loneliness and feeling unloved. The only thing I can do is wish them luck. I hope they are as lucky as I am and their child grows up to be the kind of man my son is. I'm still working on my daughter, but with perseverance and strength I will show her that she is loved and it is ok and normal to feel lonely sometimes, and that she doesn't have to search outside of herself for anything, she has everything she needs inside. God help me, please.


*I'm sorry, but I try to reserve the term "pregnant" to women who are emotionally & financially stable enough to handle a baby, who are either in a committed relationship or have planned to have a baby on their own because the relationship thing never panned out, knowing full well the difficulty they will face raising a child by themselves. when you have unprotected sex and find yourself missing your period as a result, you're knocked up.