This rage has a familiar feeling. I thought I had left it behind, I hoped that I would never feel it again. But here it is, boiling up, trying to make me do something or say something that I will regret, trying to make me fall into the hate that it is harboring. Hate is such an easy emotion to fall into. I have almost lost myself to it before. I can't allow that to happen again.
I fought hard to be able to forgive. The hate and the rage built such a barrier to forgiveness that I never thought it could be breached. But it was, forgiveness prevailed. In it's patience and unending perseverance, forgiveness was able to reach my heart and destroy the hate and rage that had taken over.
Yet years later, the familiar rage is back and without notice it has dug its claws into my heart. The words "I hate her" are on the tip of my tongue, fighting like a pitbull to leave my lips in an utterance of ugliness and defeat. The person I was is trying to come back: the angry, frightened, self-destroying, self-alienating person that I was is welcoming the rage and the hate with open arms, waiting for an opportunity to resurface and destroy everything I have become. Why does it seem so easy to just let it happen? Why is hate so much easier then forgiveness and love?
I don't want to hate her. I forgave her for everything she had ever done to me. I left it behind like unclaimed baggage at the airport. I was able to find the love for her again, and it felt good, it felt right. I was happy! I didn't realize how much I missed her until she was in my life again. Now, in just a few short weeks, the love is quickly fading, being taken over by the rage & the hate that closed off my heart before. All the moments that I had forgiven are back, building blocks to the great wall of hate around my heart. I don't want to remember the pain from the past! I don't want to feel the pain that is taking place right now! Why does this have to happen? Why does history repeat itself?
This time I will recognize the hate & the rage for what it is: an emotional reaction to what I perceive is a wrong done to me. But if I calmly sit back and really think about it, what can be done to me that I didn't allow? I am responsible for my emotions, my feelings. If I allow the actions of another person to turn me into an angry monster, a person so full of hate and rage that the only thing I can do is destroy my relationships with everyone & everything, then that person has won, that person has all the power, I will be left powerless. I will not let that happen. Yes, there is anger and pain because I feel like I was used and betrayed by a person that I love, a person that I wanted so badly to love me back. What I need to do is not fight the emotion, but acknowledge it. There is this anger. There is this pain. There is this sense of loss, this sense of disappointment and rejection. These emotions are coming from the actions of another person, therefore they are mistaken. The emotions, not the other person! She made her choice for her life, the choice she believes is right for her. I made my choice, the choice that I feel is right for me. Those two choices are not even in the same universe. And that is ok. Her choice for herself truly has no bearing on my life. She didn't "do" anything to me that I didn't give her permission to do. Allowing emotions like hate and rage to take over my life would be a huge mistake, it would be something I was doing to myself.
I'm not quite ready to say that I forgive her. Actually, what is there to forgive? She is who she is, I knew that before I allowed her back into my life. All the signs showed me that she hadn't changed at all so I had no basis to think she had. So being surprised and hurt by actions that are completely typical of her is all on me. What I am going to do is stop worrying about it, stop pondering over what I could have done differently, accept the circumstances as just another day in the life, let it go and move on. If something comes up as a result of the steps I have already taken when I allowed myself to fall victim to the rage, then I will deal with it. I have taken back my power. I am in control of myself. She does not control me, she has no power over me. Good bye. (this is me turning around and not looking back).
Monday, June 27, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
I am a different person then i was, lets say 3-4 years ago
I've changed alot, especially over the last few years. The changes I see in myself could be attributed to age/maturity, or the sweet gentle guidance of my best friend, or maybe it's just me being really tired of the drama I was creating in my own life. I used to be very unforgiving, judgemental, had the attitude that I was always right and everyone else was wrong and why didn't everyone see it my way, and was a depressed, woah-is-me person who wasn't alot of fun to be around. I felt unjustly persecuted by everyone and blamed everyone else for my life, I in no way wanted to take responsibility for my own actions.
I am very different now. I don't feel persecuted. I don't blame anyone but myself when life gets difficult (I don't even BLAME myself anymore). I don't see the difficult parts in life as this insurmountable obstacle, I see them as challenges that are meant to be overcome. I forgive very easily, whether asked or not, including forgiving myself. I try very hard to not judge anyone and when I do find myself steering towards the judgemental side, I turn myself around and remember what it's like to be judged. I still get hurt when I think someone may not be on my side, but then I think to myself, Hey everyone is entitled to their opinion, thoughts, etc and what THEY feel has NOTHING to do with me & how I feel about MY life. I'm not depressed anymore. Sure I have days when I am sad, but those days are just that, maybe a day or two here & there with plenty of days when I am very happy...not day after day after day after day of sadness & deep, ridiculous emotional outbursts with no sign of the tears ever ending. So yes, I am very different then I was, let's say 3-4 years ago.
There are people out there that I have forgiven that have no idea that I have forgiven them as they never asked for my forgiveness. I think what it is, more then "You are Forgiven!" is a deep sense of love for myself and realizing that the pain I may have felt in the past from what I perceived to be hurtful actions on the others part is over and today is a new day and I don't want to waste anymore time "hating" someone. Hate is a very ugly, ugly emotion and it can tear a person apart from the inside out. I don't hate anyone anymore, not for a long period of time anyway. There is always that initial "God Dammit I fucking HATE YOU!" emotion, but now I have learned to accept that emotion, feel it, acknowledge it, then let it go. I just can't hang on to that ugliness anymore.
I have felt that recently. I have felt unappreciated, unthanked, uncared for, etc. Alot of "un"s. I have felt anger and regret in allowing someone back into my life that had hurt me before (no, it's not the person you all are thinking about, sorry!), and I have felt just plain pissed off! The difference between, let's say 3-4 years ago, and today is a couple days later I have released my anger, my pain, my fear, and I wish nothing but the best for this person that I love very much. And another difference from let's say 3-4 years ago and now, I am not gonna make a big deal out of it. I was so very into drama in the past, I had to get as many people involved as possible, I had to drag unwilling participants into my drama and make sure that they were on my side. Not anymore. I have a very quiet, peaceful life now & I really enjoy it. I find it much easier to let go of the drama of the past. Instead of making a huge thing of something, I write about it in a blog that not a whole lot of people read (thank you to those that do! love ya!), I acknowledge the pain and the fear and the anger that I felt, and I let it go. Time to move on.
I love this person. With all my heart. And I wish nothing but the absolute best for them. We have different ideas about life, we have much different views on right & wrong, but ya know, differences make the world a very interesting place. My life is calm, quiet, peaceful...and I like it that way. Having that peacefulness shook up a little makes me appreciate it so much more, and for that I am very grateful.
Here's to unspoken forgiveness and letting go of the past. It's amazing how much different I am since I've learned (am still learning) to do this. It turns a frown upside down!
I am very different now. I don't feel persecuted. I don't blame anyone but myself when life gets difficult (I don't even BLAME myself anymore). I don't see the difficult parts in life as this insurmountable obstacle, I see them as challenges that are meant to be overcome. I forgive very easily, whether asked or not, including forgiving myself. I try very hard to not judge anyone and when I do find myself steering towards the judgemental side, I turn myself around and remember what it's like to be judged. I still get hurt when I think someone may not be on my side, but then I think to myself, Hey everyone is entitled to their opinion, thoughts, etc and what THEY feel has NOTHING to do with me & how I feel about MY life. I'm not depressed anymore. Sure I have days when I am sad, but those days are just that, maybe a day or two here & there with plenty of days when I am very happy...not day after day after day after day of sadness & deep, ridiculous emotional outbursts with no sign of the tears ever ending. So yes, I am very different then I was, let's say 3-4 years ago.
There are people out there that I have forgiven that have no idea that I have forgiven them as they never asked for my forgiveness. I think what it is, more then "You are Forgiven!" is a deep sense of love for myself and realizing that the pain I may have felt in the past from what I perceived to be hurtful actions on the others part is over and today is a new day and I don't want to waste anymore time "hating" someone. Hate is a very ugly, ugly emotion and it can tear a person apart from the inside out. I don't hate anyone anymore, not for a long period of time anyway. There is always that initial "God Dammit I fucking HATE YOU!" emotion, but now I have learned to accept that emotion, feel it, acknowledge it, then let it go. I just can't hang on to that ugliness anymore.
I have felt that recently. I have felt unappreciated, unthanked, uncared for, etc. Alot of "un"s. I have felt anger and regret in allowing someone back into my life that had hurt me before (no, it's not the person you all are thinking about, sorry!), and I have felt just plain pissed off! The difference between, let's say 3-4 years ago, and today is a couple days later I have released my anger, my pain, my fear, and I wish nothing but the best for this person that I love very much. And another difference from let's say 3-4 years ago and now, I am not gonna make a big deal out of it. I was so very into drama in the past, I had to get as many people involved as possible, I had to drag unwilling participants into my drama and make sure that they were on my side. Not anymore. I have a very quiet, peaceful life now & I really enjoy it. I find it much easier to let go of the drama of the past. Instead of making a huge thing of something, I write about it in a blog that not a whole lot of people read (thank you to those that do! love ya!), I acknowledge the pain and the fear and the anger that I felt, and I let it go. Time to move on.
I love this person. With all my heart. And I wish nothing but the absolute best for them. We have different ideas about life, we have much different views on right & wrong, but ya know, differences make the world a very interesting place. My life is calm, quiet, peaceful...and I like it that way. Having that peacefulness shook up a little makes me appreciate it so much more, and for that I am very grateful.
Here's to unspoken forgiveness and letting go of the past. It's amazing how much different I am since I've learned (am still learning) to do this. It turns a frown upside down!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Arnold's not a bad man, he's just a man!
Don't be mad at Arnold. He isn't the first man to a) cheat on his wife or b) make a "love" child with the other woman.
I think Maria was right to leave. She should. She married a man who promised to be faithful to her and he broke that promise. She shows a great deal of strength and self-respect by leaving him. She shows that she will not tolerate a husband that committed adultery and fathered a baby with another woman, a woman that she knew personally. Maria is doing what is right for HER.
Unfortunately Arnold and Maria aren't the first couple in history to go through this. It's not just a Hollywood thing, or a Politics-as-usual thing. It's a human thing. It happens in small town America. Man meets woman, woman gets pregnant, man marries her, man meets another woman, one that he would rather be with but feels obligated to stay with the first woman because she is his baby-mama, 2nd woman gets pregnant at the same time that the wife is preggers with their 2nd child, man tries everything he can to keep it a secret but the secret always comes out (usually in about 9 months)...happens more then you think. It's when the first woman finds out about the 2nd woman and the "love-child" with her husband yet STAYS MARRIED to him that I lose my sympathy for her. I feel for Maria. She is a public figure, a member of one of the most public families in America, and her action-star-turned-governator hubby fucked the help behind her back & the idiot was too stupid to use birth control and now there is this poor kid that is going to grow up with the stigma of being Arnies illegitimate spawn of his carnal lust. Leave his dumb ass Maria! Show the women of the world that we don't have to "stand by our man". Women who stay with men who show a very clear history of cheating on their wives deserve to be married to a man who cheats on her.
You all know my story. I am deeply, down to the very core of me, in love with a married man. Yeah, being in love with a man who shows a very clear history of cheating on woman is probably not the smartest thing for me to do, and if he cheats on me I won't be surprised at all. The difference between me & let's say Maria Schriver...I knew from the moment I decided to move forward with my relationship with him that he is a cheater. He told me. He never promised to be faithful to me. He never said, I will only love you and have sex with you for the rest of my life. He told me: I love women, I love sex, I love having sex with women whether I am married to them or not, whether they are married to me or not...he told me I'll probably cheat on you. I can't imagine that any of those words were in Arnold's wedding vows to Maria, nor were they in my love's wedding vows to this wife. I am not the first woman he has cheated with, and I am not the first affair that his wife has known about. So no, I have no sympathy for her. Granted, yes, she thought he would be faithful based on HIS promises to her. But after the first time he broke that promise...come on lady, grow a pair and do what Maria did! Leave the dumb ass! When I am with your husband do you think I feel even an ounce of guilt? Uh, NOPE! He cheated on you from the beginning, he continues to cheat on you, I can tell you that I am pretty positive he has cheated on me, you knew about the first girl, & the 2nd, you know about me, you've known about me for years...yet you continue to play the martyr and try to get sympathy from people as the "poor wife". You're weak. You have no idea the strength you have inside you. You are a WOMAN!!!! Fucking be one! Stop being this little crybaby, desperately clinging to him because you are afraid you won't be able to do a sufficient job raising your children without him. Stop letting him use "the children" as a way to keep you from leaving. If you want to be married to a man that will honor his promise of fidelity to you, find one, cuz your current hubby ain't that man!
I don't think all people can be monogamous. Of course some can. But let's look at "relationships" a little differently. A coin has two sides. There is the yin & the yang for everything. When you face North, your ass faces South. So, for every person that can honestly say they can spend their whole life only having sex with that "one special person" and be completely happy, there is another person who cannot. Until we learn to accept that about each other, there will be affairs and illegitimate kids and broken marriages. If you marry someone with the thought that that person feels the same as you and you think they are going to only have sex with you for the rest of their life, and they don't turn out that way, find someone who thinks and feels the same as you. Don't think that the person who showed his/her true colors to you is going to change. We lie to each other all the time. How many people are going to stay with someone who says "I am going to cheat on you"? Besides me, I don't know anyone. So he lied to you. The lie was making you think he felt the same, the lie was not telling you that he likes to have sex with women, lots of women, the lie was not giving you all the information you needed to make an informed decision. He didn't give you all the information because he knew you wouldn't accept it about him, he knew you would try to change him, so to avoid all that he kept that very vital information to himself. Was that fair? No. Should he have told you about it? Yes! He gave me all that information and I processed it, and made an informed decision to stay with a man that I know is admittedly NOT a faithful person. Arnold lied to Maria, Maria found out about that lie and made an informed decision to not put up with that bullshit and she left him. If you don't like the way if feels when you are told again and again that your husband is cheating on you, LEAVE! If you can't accept him for what he is, stop trying to force him into being something he isn't and leave. Show the world that you are strong like Maria. Show your daughter that you have standards and won't put up with anything less. Show your son that the values you hold strong are true and real, not just things you say on Sunday at church. Show yourself that you want a man who WILL be faithful and won't be with someone who can't be faithful.
I love a man who won't be faithful to me, and I accept that about him. I know that while I can picture myself not being with anyone else for the rest of my life, he isn't the same. That doesn't mean he doesn't love me. That just means I love him enough to accept him as he is, and he loves me enough to be completely honest with me, not afraid to tell me that he isn't a monogamous person. Not all of us are, and until society accepts that, Arnie & Maria will continue to happen again and again.
I think Maria was right to leave. She should. She married a man who promised to be faithful to her and he broke that promise. She shows a great deal of strength and self-respect by leaving him. She shows that she will not tolerate a husband that committed adultery and fathered a baby with another woman, a woman that she knew personally. Maria is doing what is right for HER.
Unfortunately Arnold and Maria aren't the first couple in history to go through this. It's not just a Hollywood thing, or a Politics-as-usual thing. It's a human thing. It happens in small town America. Man meets woman, woman gets pregnant, man marries her, man meets another woman, one that he would rather be with but feels obligated to stay with the first woman because she is his baby-mama, 2nd woman gets pregnant at the same time that the wife is preggers with their 2nd child, man tries everything he can to keep it a secret but the secret always comes out (usually in about 9 months)...happens more then you think. It's when the first woman finds out about the 2nd woman and the "love-child" with her husband yet STAYS MARRIED to him that I lose my sympathy for her. I feel for Maria. She is a public figure, a member of one of the most public families in America, and her action-star-turned-governator hubby fucked the help behind her back & the idiot was too stupid to use birth control and now there is this poor kid that is going to grow up with the stigma of being Arnies illegitimate spawn of his carnal lust. Leave his dumb ass Maria! Show the women of the world that we don't have to "stand by our man". Women who stay with men who show a very clear history of cheating on their wives deserve to be married to a man who cheats on her.
You all know my story. I am deeply, down to the very core of me, in love with a married man. Yeah, being in love with a man who shows a very clear history of cheating on woman is probably not the smartest thing for me to do, and if he cheats on me I won't be surprised at all. The difference between me & let's say Maria Schriver...I knew from the moment I decided to move forward with my relationship with him that he is a cheater. He told me. He never promised to be faithful to me. He never said, I will only love you and have sex with you for the rest of my life. He told me: I love women, I love sex, I love having sex with women whether I am married to them or not, whether they are married to me or not...he told me I'll probably cheat on you. I can't imagine that any of those words were in Arnold's wedding vows to Maria, nor were they in my love's wedding vows to this wife. I am not the first woman he has cheated with, and I am not the first affair that his wife has known about. So no, I have no sympathy for her. Granted, yes, she thought he would be faithful based on HIS promises to her. But after the first time he broke that promise...come on lady, grow a pair and do what Maria did! Leave the dumb ass! When I am with your husband do you think I feel even an ounce of guilt? Uh, NOPE! He cheated on you from the beginning, he continues to cheat on you, I can tell you that I am pretty positive he has cheated on me, you knew about the first girl, & the 2nd, you know about me, you've known about me for years...yet you continue to play the martyr and try to get sympathy from people as the "poor wife". You're weak. You have no idea the strength you have inside you. You are a WOMAN!!!! Fucking be one! Stop being this little crybaby, desperately clinging to him because you are afraid you won't be able to do a sufficient job raising your children without him. Stop letting him use "the children" as a way to keep you from leaving. If you want to be married to a man that will honor his promise of fidelity to you, find one, cuz your current hubby ain't that man!
I don't think all people can be monogamous. Of course some can. But let's look at "relationships" a little differently. A coin has two sides. There is the yin & the yang for everything. When you face North, your ass faces South. So, for every person that can honestly say they can spend their whole life only having sex with that "one special person" and be completely happy, there is another person who cannot. Until we learn to accept that about each other, there will be affairs and illegitimate kids and broken marriages. If you marry someone with the thought that that person feels the same as you and you think they are going to only have sex with you for the rest of their life, and they don't turn out that way, find someone who thinks and feels the same as you. Don't think that the person who showed his/her true colors to you is going to change. We lie to each other all the time. How many people are going to stay with someone who says "I am going to cheat on you"? Besides me, I don't know anyone. So he lied to you. The lie was making you think he felt the same, the lie was not telling you that he likes to have sex with women, lots of women, the lie was not giving you all the information you needed to make an informed decision. He didn't give you all the information because he knew you wouldn't accept it about him, he knew you would try to change him, so to avoid all that he kept that very vital information to himself. Was that fair? No. Should he have told you about it? Yes! He gave me all that information and I processed it, and made an informed decision to stay with a man that I know is admittedly NOT a faithful person. Arnold lied to Maria, Maria found out about that lie and made an informed decision to not put up with that bullshit and she left him. If you don't like the way if feels when you are told again and again that your husband is cheating on you, LEAVE! If you can't accept him for what he is, stop trying to force him into being something he isn't and leave. Show the world that you are strong like Maria. Show your daughter that you have standards and won't put up with anything less. Show your son that the values you hold strong are true and real, not just things you say on Sunday at church. Show yourself that you want a man who WILL be faithful and won't be with someone who can't be faithful.
I love a man who won't be faithful to me, and I accept that about him. I know that while I can picture myself not being with anyone else for the rest of my life, he isn't the same. That doesn't mean he doesn't love me. That just means I love him enough to accept him as he is, and he loves me enough to be completely honest with me, not afraid to tell me that he isn't a monogamous person. Not all of us are, and until society accepts that, Arnie & Maria will continue to happen again and again.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
finding the motivation to be healthy
I've done it again. I gained 10 pounds & haven't worked out since the middle of January. I just got done eating scrambled eggs & hash browns with a massive serving of green chili on top knowing full well that I am going to feel like shit in a little bit, my stomach is going to be full and uncomfortable, I am going to be burping it up all damn day, and I am going to hate myself for eating it. What the heck?
Is motivation in the gene's? How do some people find their motivation and stick with it? Just speaking for myself, if I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to "lose weight for", I can't seem to find the motivation to get off the couch & take a walk or go workout, or put down the fork and push away from the table before I am so full that I am sick. Just a small example, I am hoping to go to Las Vegas in July. I haven't paid for the trip yet, it's still just a hope right now. But I can already tell you that the minute I get my confirmation # I will be running to the gym to get on that elliptical because then, and only then, will I actually have something to motivate me. As I sit here writing this I know how stupid that is! Yet am I gonna lie and say I have every intention to go work out tonight because it's Wednesday? Nope. I know I should, I know it is the right thing, the healthy thing to do. I know that if I go work out I will feel much better about myself. I know that when I lose weight my self-confidence goes up, I have more energy, I sleep better, I feel better...everything is better. I know that if I go work out I will live longer and be less likely to be on a bunch of medications when I get older. If I work out I will feel less guilty about indulging once in a while in a little green chili. I KNOW these things!!! So why the hell isn't that enough? Why do I have to be looking forward to something in order to find any motivation? What do some people have that I don't?
I admire people that do things for themselves, that are self-motivators. I work with this guy, let's call him Mack, now HE is a serious self-motivator. He was a chubby thing at one time in his life but now through hard work and dedication to himself and his goals, he is like Chuck Norris! Funny thing is, he isn't conceited in any way. He is willing to help anyone who needs it. He gives suggestions and tells people what has helped him, but doesn't point fingers or make you feel bad if you are less then perfect. He cares about himself and his health and loves the way he looks and feels without being this plastic muscle-bound robot meathead. People like him amaze me. How do they do it? Where does it come from? And how do I find that in myself?
This "man" I was dating once told me, in the middle of you-know-what, that I was getting fat. Know what I told him? "I know". I didn't kick his stupid ass off me and tell him to go do what he was doing to me to himself. I just said "I know" then promptly went on a starvation diet. Another "man" told me "If you get down to 130 pounds I'll marry you". That did motivate me to start losing weight, but it was so I could tell him to go "marry" himself as soon as I reached HIS goal weight. We didn't last much longer then that, neither did my diet. Today I have a man in my life who tells me everyday how beautiful I am, whether I am fat or PHAT. I will say to him, "I am getting fat again" and squeeze my rolls around my midsection, and he will gently caress them and say "Hey, I love your love handles!". I wish that was enough to make me feel good about myself. He has helped me look at myself and see the beauty he sees. He has helped me be not as hard on myself. But somehow he hasn't been able to help me find the motivation and dedication it takes to stick with a healthy diet and workout routine, his incredible love hasn't helped me change my lifestyle. I know that has to come from within. I know I have to figure that out for myself. That is the hard part. Looking inside ourselves is one of the hardest things to do.
Do I really, REALLY want to open those doors, peer into those dark closets that have been locked away in the creepy cellar of my self-conscious for so long, or do I just want to stay on this roller coaster of weight loss & weight gain, self love & self loathing? I used to think the easy path would be to continue riding the roller coaster of an unhealthy lifestyle, blaming everyone and everything for my fat ass and muffin top, not taking responsibility for MY actions or lack there of. I am beginning to see that that path, while seeming easy from the surface, is filled with super steep hills and very deep valleys that are getting harder and harder to negotiate. Maybe the truly easy path would be to throw open those closet doors and shed some light on the bs inside. In order to be able to live my life to the fullest and have a happy future, I need to sort through the crap from the past, let it go and move on. I'll never be able to find my motivation if I don't figure out what's holding me back. I'll never be able to keep looking amazing and feeling amazing until I figure out what is making me feel guilty about feeling good.
Is motivation in the gene's? How do some people find their motivation and stick with it? Just speaking for myself, if I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to "lose weight for", I can't seem to find the motivation to get off the couch & take a walk or go workout, or put down the fork and push away from the table before I am so full that I am sick. Just a small example, I am hoping to go to Las Vegas in July. I haven't paid for the trip yet, it's still just a hope right now. But I can already tell you that the minute I get my confirmation # I will be running to the gym to get on that elliptical because then, and only then, will I actually have something to motivate me. As I sit here writing this I know how stupid that is! Yet am I gonna lie and say I have every intention to go work out tonight because it's Wednesday? Nope. I know I should, I know it is the right thing, the healthy thing to do. I know that if I go work out I will feel much better about myself. I know that when I lose weight my self-confidence goes up, I have more energy, I sleep better, I feel better...everything is better. I know that if I go work out I will live longer and be less likely to be on a bunch of medications when I get older. If I work out I will feel less guilty about indulging once in a while in a little green chili. I KNOW these things!!! So why the hell isn't that enough? Why do I have to be looking forward to something in order to find any motivation? What do some people have that I don't?
I admire people that do things for themselves, that are self-motivators. I work with this guy, let's call him Mack, now HE is a serious self-motivator. He was a chubby thing at one time in his life but now through hard work and dedication to himself and his goals, he is like Chuck Norris! Funny thing is, he isn't conceited in any way. He is willing to help anyone who needs it. He gives suggestions and tells people what has helped him, but doesn't point fingers or make you feel bad if you are less then perfect. He cares about himself and his health and loves the way he looks and feels without being this plastic muscle-bound robot meathead. People like him amaze me. How do they do it? Where does it come from? And how do I find that in myself?
This "man" I was dating once told me, in the middle of you-know-what, that I was getting fat. Know what I told him? "I know". I didn't kick his stupid ass off me and tell him to go do what he was doing to me to himself. I just said "I know" then promptly went on a starvation diet. Another "man" told me "If you get down to 130 pounds I'll marry you". That did motivate me to start losing weight, but it was so I could tell him to go "marry" himself as soon as I reached HIS goal weight. We didn't last much longer then that, neither did my diet. Today I have a man in my life who tells me everyday how beautiful I am, whether I am fat or PHAT. I will say to him, "I am getting fat again" and squeeze my rolls around my midsection, and he will gently caress them and say "Hey, I love your love handles!". I wish that was enough to make me feel good about myself. He has helped me look at myself and see the beauty he sees. He has helped me be not as hard on myself. But somehow he hasn't been able to help me find the motivation and dedication it takes to stick with a healthy diet and workout routine, his incredible love hasn't helped me change my lifestyle. I know that has to come from within. I know I have to figure that out for myself. That is the hard part. Looking inside ourselves is one of the hardest things to do.
Do I really, REALLY want to open those doors, peer into those dark closets that have been locked away in the creepy cellar of my self-conscious for so long, or do I just want to stay on this roller coaster of weight loss & weight gain, self love & self loathing? I used to think the easy path would be to continue riding the roller coaster of an unhealthy lifestyle, blaming everyone and everything for my fat ass and muffin top, not taking responsibility for MY actions or lack there of. I am beginning to see that that path, while seeming easy from the surface, is filled with super steep hills and very deep valleys that are getting harder and harder to negotiate. Maybe the truly easy path would be to throw open those closet doors and shed some light on the bs inside. In order to be able to live my life to the fullest and have a happy future, I need to sort through the crap from the past, let it go and move on. I'll never be able to find my motivation if I don't figure out what's holding me back. I'll never be able to keep looking amazing and feeling amazing until I figure out what is making me feel guilty about feeling good.
Monday, March 28, 2011
inception
i just watched Inception and my mind is blown! i know i'm a little late, lots and lots of people have already watched it. but i just watched it and my mind is blown.
i can't tell you how many times i have WISHED that i could put just the tiniest little thought into another persons head. nothing harmful...ok, well most of the time nothing harmful. just the hint of an idea; for example i wish to god that i could put the idea of divorce into her mind, enough of an idea to make her take action and not just think about it. i have wished i could get into that thick frickin head of hers and show her the things he and i do to each other, the way he tells me he loves me, the words he uses to describe his marriage: prison, life sentence with a chance of parole in 10-12 years, a mistake...i have dreamt over and over about her seeing us together so that she would finally choose to leave him because she would have the proof she needs, she would KNOW. how many times have i wished i could get into a guys head and make him believe that he was meant to be with me, that i was the perfect woman for him (i'm pretty thankful that that dream hasn't come true). how many times have i thought, "this absolutely cannot be my reality...this sucks! this HAS to be a dream!" only to realize that yup, this suck ass shit is my reality. the same goes for the wonderful times; as i am laying in his arms and looking at his amazing face the thought always crosses my mind "i am dreaming right now. it is an incredible dream, it feels so real, i can hear his heartbeat and feel the warmth of his breath on my neck, but as real as it seems it has to be a dream". its when he gets up and has to leave that i realize that i hadn't been dreaming, he REALLY was holding me in his arms and whispering my name.
i feel sorry for people that have such a strong foothold in reality that they can't seem to lose themselves in their dreams, or are so afraid of losing a dream-like moment when the reality returns that they can't allow themselves to just sit back and enjoy the moment for what it is. sometimes dreams are so much better then reality, but some moments in life are so incredible that they beat anything we could have ever dreamed. i believe that if something can be dreamt of or thought of then it is possible. imagine if the concept of Inception was possible...blows my frickin mind! it makes me wanna go to sleep right now and dream about planting that little seed into her head, or just dream about my life with him. either one works for me.
i can't tell you how many times i have WISHED that i could put just the tiniest little thought into another persons head. nothing harmful...ok, well most of the time nothing harmful. just the hint of an idea; for example i wish to god that i could put the idea of divorce into her mind, enough of an idea to make her take action and not just think about it. i have wished i could get into that thick frickin head of hers and show her the things he and i do to each other, the way he tells me he loves me, the words he uses to describe his marriage: prison, life sentence with a chance of parole in 10-12 years, a mistake...i have dreamt over and over about her seeing us together so that she would finally choose to leave him because she would have the proof she needs, she would KNOW. how many times have i wished i could get into a guys head and make him believe that he was meant to be with me, that i was the perfect woman for him (i'm pretty thankful that that dream hasn't come true). how many times have i thought, "this absolutely cannot be my reality...this sucks! this HAS to be a dream!" only to realize that yup, this suck ass shit is my reality. the same goes for the wonderful times; as i am laying in his arms and looking at his amazing face the thought always crosses my mind "i am dreaming right now. it is an incredible dream, it feels so real, i can hear his heartbeat and feel the warmth of his breath on my neck, but as real as it seems it has to be a dream". its when he gets up and has to leave that i realize that i hadn't been dreaming, he REALLY was holding me in his arms and whispering my name.
i feel sorry for people that have such a strong foothold in reality that they can't seem to lose themselves in their dreams, or are so afraid of losing a dream-like moment when the reality returns that they can't allow themselves to just sit back and enjoy the moment for what it is. sometimes dreams are so much better then reality, but some moments in life are so incredible that they beat anything we could have ever dreamed. i believe that if something can be dreamt of or thought of then it is possible. imagine if the concept of Inception was possible...blows my frickin mind! it makes me wanna go to sleep right now and dream about planting that little seed into her head, or just dream about my life with him. either one works for me.
catch-22
"A Catch-22, coined by Joseph Heller in his novel Catch-22, is a logical paradox arising from a situation in which an individual needs something that can only be acquired by not being in that very situation; therefore, the acquisition of this thing becomes logically impossible. Catch-22s are often spoken with regard to rules, regulations, procedures, or situations in which one has knowledge of being or becoming a victim but has no control over it occurring.Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/catch-22#ixzz1HucyluDi".
i don't see myself as a victim. i am responsible for my choices and actions. i am lonely because i stay with a man who can't be with me the way i wish he could be with me, but that loneliness is very small in comparison to the pain i feel when i try to leave him. today i am blue because i spent time with him this weekend. i love spending time with him yet spending time with him makes the time i am apart from him more difficult.
i crave spending time with him. when i do get to spend time with him my mind is preoccupied with the moment that the time we are spending together will end. after spending time with him i miss him more then i did before, therefore needing to spend more time with him.
everyday i choose to be in a situation that is painful for me. i choose to stay in a relationship with a man that can't be with me the way i wish he could because he chooses to stay in a marriage that, according to what he tells me, he feels is a prison in order to save his children from the pain of a divorce. i try to tell him that i could make him happy, that a life with me doesn't mean a life without his children and that if we were together i would do everything i could to make sure his life with his children didn't change. his point of view is a life with me means a life separated from his children. he knows he would be happy with me and wants a life with me but he would be unhappy because he thinks he would be without his kids. he stays married to a woman he doesn't want to be married to because he wants his children to be happy, which makes him happy. he stays in a relationship with me because he loves me and being with me makes him happy. being without his children makes him miserable. being without me makes him miserable. being with him this way makes me miserable. being without him makes me miserable.
when i listen to my brain and i break up with him with the idea that i will move on and find a man who can be with me the way i wish he could be with me, i am so completely miserable that i find it difficult to breath, to be alive. somedays i can deal with it just fine. somedays i find it an impossible situation. somedays i think, a little patience is all i need and someday my loyalty and love will be rewarded with a life with him. somedays i think, what a crock of shit! somedays i want to grab her by the neck and tell her, "you stupid bitch! he fucks me as often as he can, he tells me he can't wait until the day he can divorce you, he tells me he dreams of being married to me, he calls you a vindictive bitch that would ruin his life at the first opportunity you have!" somedays i want to hear her side of it, i want to hear the bs he tells her to keep her around, is the same sort of bs he tells me to keep me around? somedays i just want to win the lottery and move as far away from here as i can, a place where no one knows me and he will never find me. somedays i want her to do the same thing so i can have him to myself.
everyday i love him. somedays i wish i didn't...but i still do.
i don't see myself as a victim. i am responsible for my choices and actions. i am lonely because i stay with a man who can't be with me the way i wish he could be with me, but that loneliness is very small in comparison to the pain i feel when i try to leave him. today i am blue because i spent time with him this weekend. i love spending time with him yet spending time with him makes the time i am apart from him more difficult.
i crave spending time with him. when i do get to spend time with him my mind is preoccupied with the moment that the time we are spending together will end. after spending time with him i miss him more then i did before, therefore needing to spend more time with him.
everyday i choose to be in a situation that is painful for me. i choose to stay in a relationship with a man that can't be with me the way i wish he could because he chooses to stay in a marriage that, according to what he tells me, he feels is a prison in order to save his children from the pain of a divorce. i try to tell him that i could make him happy, that a life with me doesn't mean a life without his children and that if we were together i would do everything i could to make sure his life with his children didn't change. his point of view is a life with me means a life separated from his children. he knows he would be happy with me and wants a life with me but he would be unhappy because he thinks he would be without his kids. he stays married to a woman he doesn't want to be married to because he wants his children to be happy, which makes him happy. he stays in a relationship with me because he loves me and being with me makes him happy. being without his children makes him miserable. being without me makes him miserable. being with him this way makes me miserable. being without him makes me miserable.
when i listen to my brain and i break up with him with the idea that i will move on and find a man who can be with me the way i wish he could be with me, i am so completely miserable that i find it difficult to breath, to be alive. somedays i can deal with it just fine. somedays i find it an impossible situation. somedays i think, a little patience is all i need and someday my loyalty and love will be rewarded with a life with him. somedays i think, what a crock of shit! somedays i want to grab her by the neck and tell her, "you stupid bitch! he fucks me as often as he can, he tells me he can't wait until the day he can divorce you, he tells me he dreams of being married to me, he calls you a vindictive bitch that would ruin his life at the first opportunity you have!" somedays i want to hear her side of it, i want to hear the bs he tells her to keep her around, is the same sort of bs he tells me to keep me around? somedays i just want to win the lottery and move as far away from here as i can, a place where no one knows me and he will never find me. somedays i want her to do the same thing so i can have him to myself.
everyday i love him. somedays i wish i didn't...but i still do.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
sorry about springin that on you
i hope it's not too late for me to retrain my daughter to NOT talk about every single thing that is going on in her life. I for years have had that very bad habit and now I am starting to regret it. You see, when you talk and talk and talk to your friends and family about how much it hurts to be in love with someone you can't be with the way everyone thinks is normal and acceptable, don't be upset with the reaction you get when you show up with that person at a party.
To my friends, I'm sorry. I know it upset you. It's my fault. You only know what i have told you and unfortunately most of what i have told you has been painful. it's hard for me to talk about how wonderful i feel when i'm with him, how loved i feel, how safe, how wanted, how accepted, how complete i feel when i'm with him. i know what i've done by only talking about the hard times. i've made him into some sort of evil, ugly asshole. my blabber mouth has turned the man i love into someone that my friends and family hate.
this really sucks. i am such a jackass for putting people i care about into an awkward, uncomfortable situation. for that i am so sorry to everyone involved.
thank you for caring enough about me to be pissed at me for showing up with someone that i have cried on your shoulder about. and thank you for trying your best to be decent to him and for not stabbing him in the eye. i really appreciate that!
i love him. for that i am not sorry. sometimes in life unconventional relationships form. while i can't be with him the way society and my friends and family want me to be, i would rather be with him this way then be without him. the times that i have cut him out of my life i have felt like i was going to die. i am not just sad over a breakup. i want to stop living. the pain of being separated from him is unbearable. the pain of having the sort of relationship that we have pales at the way i feel when we leave each other. if others could experience the way i feel when his hand is in mine, maybe they would understand why i can't just move on. there is no moving on from that feeling. there is no moving on from love.
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