i don't "hate" christmas, but...

It's not that I hate Christmas...i know i say "i hate christmas" alot, but what i should be saying is "I do not like the commercialism that has taken over, the pressure to spend money i don't have and the guilt that comes because I can't afford to buy everyone a gift. Oh, and I don't believe in the story behind the birth of Jesus anyway so why am i forced into celebrating it?"

When i was a kid my mom and dad made a huge deal out of Christmas. there were always a ton of gifts under the tree and we always had a big breakfast before going to mass. The house was decorated and there would be holiday songs playing all Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It was wonderful! I have alot of great childhood Christmas memories.

How did that turn into me wanting to find a cave and hybernate from the day after Thanksgiving until December 26th? Well, i think it started when mom died. I tried to keep her traditions going but i have never been able to match her level of holiday spirit and cheer. Then there was the first year of many when i was broke...as in zero dollars. there have been many years when I couldn't buy my children anything; if it weren't for family giving them gifts they would have had nothing. I have had a couple Christmas' when i actually had money (or credit cards) and was able to buy presents, but those Christmas' have been few.

Commercialism and money problems aside, i just don't believe in Jesus. i was raised Catholic but as i matured and started to have thoughts of my own i realized that while i agree that Jesus Christ was probably a real person who had a lot of great lessons to teach us, i just do not believe anything else that was taught to me in the various religion classes i endured as a child, including the story of his birth. i feel like i am a minority during the "holiday" season. i know i can't possibly be, there has to be alot of people out there who aren't catholic or christian or any other belief that involves celebrating the immaculate conception and virginal birth of "the only son of god", but it doesn't feel like it. i feel like an outcast...normally that doesn't bother me at all, i have no desire to be normal. but for some reason, from the day after thanksgiving until December 26th, i feel like i am being punished for having thoughts of my own, that because i don't conform i deserve to be stoned in the town square. i know that sounds ridiculous, but that is how this time of year makes me feel. When i hear the song "It's the most wonderful time of the year" i think to myself, why do people reserve their desire to be nice and giving and kind to the last month of the year? we should be like that all year long! I'm not a complete scrooge, i do love participating in things like Toys for Tots and other charities that help the less fortunate. I donate non-perishable foods to food banks, I give money to the Salvation Army bell ringer. i absolutely love the gathering of family and friends; the talking and eating and singing and playing games, the togetherness. maybe that's why i like Thanksgiving so much; its everything Christmas is minus the pressure and the commercialism and the religion.

So when i grumble under my breath "i hate christmas", i don't really mean it. i'm happy for you if you love it. i'm glad you spend so much of your time decorating and shopping and wrapping and cooking and singing. go for it! just do me a huge favor and leave me out of it. i'll try not to spoil your holiday spirit as long as you don't try to make me have holiday spirit.

dreams

i had a dream last night. i've had this dream many times before. i really wish i could stop having it, because while i am sleeping it feels amazing, but it becomes a nightmare when i open my eyes.

it was late at night. we had met up the way we had been doing for so many years, secretly under the cover of darkness. we sat in his car looking at each other, the lights from the instument panel illuminated his eyes making them sparkle. his smile was unmistakable, it was the smile he reserved for me...my smile. we had been sharing with each other how much we loved the other, how much we missed being together, how torturous our seperation was. my gaze moved away from his face to stare out the windshield into the darkness. quiet music came from the car speakers, taking my mind to sweet memories of incredible days we had spent together window shopping, holding hands, pretending we were a "normal" couple. i felt his hand gently touch my chin and turn my face back to his. it was then, as our eyes met and our souls became one again, that he told me he was leaving her for me. in my dream, he said, "i told her i love you. i told her that it's always been you." he took my hand in his and said, "you are worth the struggle i will have to go through. i will do whatever it takes so that we can start our life together. i want to spend the rest of my life with you, i don't want to waste another minute away from you." he smiled at me and continued "i know it's going to be hard for everyone; you, me, my kids...i know that your family and friends may not understand your decision to be with me and they will try to talk you out of it...but i know that together we will be able to survive this. i know you will do whatever you can to make it as easy as possible for me and the kids and i will do the same for you. i will put aside my pride and make myself available to your family and friends. i will do this for you." he softly kissed the tear that was sliding down my cheek, then kissed my lips in the most incredible kiss i had ever experienced. it was a soft, gentle kiss that was so filled with love i thought i might burst from its power...

stupid dreams

time heals all wounds

I am trying so hard to survive this. A lot of people don't understand, they think I should be able to tell him to f-off and skip happily away like the last 7 1/2 years didn't happen at all. he may not have chosen a life with me but i can't hate him for his choice. he did what he thought was best for him and his children. i wish i could hate him, it would make all of this so much easier. if i was angry and bitter and wished him a slow, agonizing death i may feel better now, but those feelings are not good for anyone. the fact is, right now i love him. i am so deeply in love with him. i only want the best for him, even if the best isn't me. i want him to be happy, even if i am not meant to be the source of that happiness. i pray that he is able to unf#&k his life, like he so eloquently said to me. i hope that he is OK. i don't want him to hurt. i hope to god he isn't feeling the level of pain i feel, but somehow i know he is. despite most people thinking he never really loved me (thanks for giving me that particular opinion by the way, its been very helpful--not), i will die knowing that he loved me more then any other man has ever loved me. no, we didn't have a "typical" relationship; yes he was unable to give me the type of commitment i wanted and we spent more time apart then together...but that doesn't mean we didn't love each other. he showed me he loved me all the time. he always tried to make me laugh when he knew i was feeling down, he brought me fiber...long story!...he worked out with me, he listened to my crazy opinions on the universe and never judged me, he bought me birthday presents and Christmas presents and he remembered our "anniversary" when i didn't, just to name a few small examples. people who don't understand can only see the times he couldn't be there for me. i admit, it would be easier to concentrate on those times because with those times comes anger and bitterness. but even those times i can now look back on and see them with understanding, i can let go of the anger and bitterness i felt at the time. i forgive him for the times he couldn't be there for me, because he loved me.

this is how i know i love him still...i don't hate him; i have tried and it just feels unnatural and awful. i don't wish him a lonely life; i wish him a life filled with love and happiness. i have made a choice to leave a relationship that situationally was not good for either one of us or anyone else involved, but not because it wasn't a loving, honest, beautiful relationship; a friendship. i was very sad when i couldn't be with him and it was getting harder and harder for me to be understanding about the time we spent apart. it hurts enormously that he didn't choose to be with me, and sometimes i think it would have been much easier, or less painful, to just stay with him. the pain of not having him in my life is infinitely worse then the pain of having him in my life but not being able to see him whenever i wanted to. but the times i remember the most are not the times i wanted to see him but couldn't, what i remember the most are the times we were together and laughing our asses off, or singing dumb songs or having hours-long conversations about absolutely nothing. those times make me smile. they make me cry because i miss them and the thought of never having times like that with him again kills me, but i still smile. someday, when the raw pain has shifted to a dull ache, i will be able to smile and laugh again. until then i need to cry, i need to go through this pain. if i don't allow myself to feel it, i will never be able to heal.

here are some quotes that help me. it helps me knowing that other people know how i am feeling right now...as far back as you can go there has been someone with a broken heart. i am not alone.

This, too, shall pass.--i think this is from the bible, old testament.

We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it in full. -- Marcel Proust

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.-- Lewis B. Smedes

I actually think sadness and darkness can be very beautiful and healing. Duncan Sheik

Life is an adventure in forgiveness. Norman Cousins

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu

Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there? Richard Bach

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. Judy Garland

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. Michel de Montaigne

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. Mother Teresa

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. H. L. Mencken

Love that is not madness is not love. Pedro Calderon de la Barca

I always knew I would look back on my tears and laugh; but I never knew I would look back at my laughter and cry. --i wish i knew who said this because i know exactly what he or she is talking about.

life is suffering

People think Buddhism is negative because it says "Life is suffering". I have only read a little about Buddhism but I have learned that Buddhists study something called The Four Noble Truths. It's pretty simple actually, and it makes alot of sense. They do believe that life is suffering, but there is so much more to it. The truths are:

1) There is suffering
2) There is a cause or origin of suffering
3) There is an end of suffering
4) There is a path out of suffering

We all know that life is hard and full of pain. We have all suffered. I am hurting from a broken heart, hurting in a way that I never thought imaginable. I gave away my Bronco's ticket yesterday because I knew that I wouldn't be able to fake my way through the game, the crowds, the traffic, etc. I stayed home and wallowed in my tears and questioned why life is so incredibly unfair: why hasn't any man wanted to love me the way I have loved them, why am I alone, questioning my faith in the universe and my faith in myself...I literally cried all day. I made plans in my head for who will take care of my daughter when I died from my broken heart. Suffering is sickness & physical pain, it is getting pissed off because someone took the closer parking spot or your dog chewed up your favorite shoes. Suffering is a movie ending in a ridiculous way, or your team not winning. It is disappointment and unfulfilled dreams. The Buddhists have it right when they say life is suffering. If that is where your knowledge of Buddhism stops, then the perception that Buddhists are negative is pretty accurate. But when you look further into it, they aren't negative at all. I am finding that the Buddhist "path" is pretty wonderful.


I am by no means an expert in Buddhism. I know very little about it. What I like about it so far is the idea of taking the personal out of things. For instance, notice I said right now I am suffering from a broken heart. The idea of saying I am makes it very personal to me, it is MY pain. When I do that, I think that no one has ever felt the kind of pain I am feeling right now, no one could possibly understand what I am going through, I am all alone in my heartache and sense of betrayal. If I would simply change the way I look at it by saying "There is this suffering, this pain", it takes the personal out of it and it makes the pain alot easier to handle. I admit it, I am not ready to say that; I am pretty attached to my pain right now, it feels a bit like a security blanket. But even as I type "There is this suffering" I can feel my pain level dropping a little bit. Instead of being a 10 out of 10, it's maybe an 8.

Whats my point? I'm not sure. I think that when I am ready to let go of the pain I am feeling from my disappointment and unanswered prayers, I will look to the East and say, "There is this pain" and see my situation from a different perspective. Maybe someday I will be able to see that just because the only man who wanted to be with me instead of some other girl turned out to be an abusive piece of crap and treated his dog better then he treated me, that doesn't mean I am not worthy of committment and love. Maybe I will understand that I have dodged a lot of bullets & should be thankful that most of the men I gave my heart to chose another person rather then me (there are 2 men, including the current source of my pain, that I will never see as a "dodged bullet", i will always see them as a lost chance at real love). If I can learn to change my thinking to see my heartache for what it is: a temporary situation that, like everything else, will change and fade and become a distant memory, I know I will be ok. Until then, the suffering is mine.

There is so much more to Buddhism that I am looking forward to learning. I know it can help me understand that my tears will not flow forever, that someday I will want to try again rather then thinking I would prefer to be alone the rest of my life, and I am not going to die from a broken heart. I'm not going to walk away from my possessions, treck across the Himalayas, don an orange robe, shave my head and spend hours meditating while breathing in incense and listening to gongs and chanting. But if doing a little more research and learning more about Buddhism and their Four Noble Truths can help me feel better, it will be worth it. I'll let ya know where my path takes me.

-------------------------------------------------

"If only I could throw away the urge to trace my patterns in your heart, I could really see you." David Brandon (Zen in the Art of Helping)

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."
Buddhist saying

I found this on http://viewonbuddhism.org/
"One afternoon, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a cafe, drinking tea and talking about life and love.
His friend asked: 'How come you never married?'
'Well,' said Nasruddin, 'to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no common interests. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then one day, I met her; beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had very much in common. In fact, she was perfect!'
'So, what happened?' asked Nasruddin's friend, 'Why didn't you marry her?'
Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. 'Well,' he replied, 'it's really the sad story of my life.... It seemed that she was looking for the perfect man...' "

;)

poems

These are poems that i wrote for ... over the past 7 1/2 years. I kept them between him and me, I didn't want anyone else to read them because they were filled with my deepest feelings for him. I read them now and I find them preposterous, overblown and junk. but ya know, that could just be me being angry that i invested so much of my time, emotions & life to this person that didn't feel the need to do the same for me. I think putting them into my blog is helping me let go of them, let go of him. This is the symbolic burning of them! light one for me from the flame!

You Let Me

Happiness I feel
it is light & fluffy.
Fat free, yet delicious & sweet
Love is inside me, all around me
You aren't mine for the taking, I am yours for the giving.
Your gift if your curse.
Your curse is my blessing.
Now that you have found me, I have found myself.
My heart that once was in pieces,
left to scatter in the wind
Is whole again, full again.
What if you leave me?
I will cry. It will feel like death.
What if I leave you?
I have said never before. I can't say never again.
I will cry. It will feel like death.
Then I will live again.
What if you stay with me?
I will cry.l It will feel like life.
You love me. YOU love ME.
wow
My laughter resounds through your day
Like a breeze through a willows branches.
Beautiful, fresh, free and pure.
Maybe I should buy a boat!
You asked me why I love you.
My response never changes:
You let me love you.
You let me love me.
You see my passion
You see my desire
You see my perversion
And you don't turn away. Don't turn away.
Stay with me.
Love me.
Love me





A RIDE IN THE COUNTRY

Two people alone in a car
The moon illuminates the barren hills
Far from town they have come to find love, passion, serenity, peace.
They talk for a while
Listen to romantic music
Gaze into each others eyes
Their love is strong and pure.
He has known love worldwide.
She feels it fully for the first time.
He makes her smile.
Her laughter is contagious.
He looks at her and sees her beauty
She looks at him and sees his love.
In this desolate setting, occupied by tumbleweeds and grazing cows
They come to be alone
He touches her hand
The electricity roars through her.
He leans over to her and slowly, gently
Presses his lips to hers.
The fire he ignites in her is a burning unmatched
He needs no fuel
It ignites her like a lightening strike.
They kiss and touch like horny teenagers
Experience is the difference.
Each touch lingers
Each kiss, meaningful and deep.
They come to this spot to join, to come together
This they do.
In an embrace like no other
Their bodies are one
Their souls touch
The energy released
Could light an entire city
If it could be harnesses
But love like this is free
Untethered
Uncontrollable
Alive
Amazing
He wipes the tears from her eyes
She smiles
A smile as bright at the moon
Lighting their way home.



YOU'RE STILL HERE

How come you are still here?
I'm crazy, don't you know that?
I'm possessive, jealous, demanding...
When my pants don't fit, you take the punch.
When I turn into Dr. Jekyll & Ms. Hyde
month after month
You let me rant and rave
You sit patiently beside me and listen
As i blame it all on you!
Then you smile as the storm clouds pass
And my sun shines again
What makes you so different?
Why do you still see me now?
Why aren't you going to wait until I'm gone,
Seeing too late what a gift you had
Only to let it go.
You have taken the wrapping of the gift that so many have put aside.
And you are still here.
I am overwhelmed by you.
Oh I am trying my damndest
to scare you away
Thank you for not being easily spooked.
You have turned my contrived world of self-inflicted horrors
Into a fun house!
You have this way of exorcising my demons
Demons whose only goals are
To destroy any happiness I find.
I have found such exquisite happiness with you
We're talking over the rainbow kinda happiness!
I laugh until I cry
I cry until I laugh
And you let me
How come you are still here?
Because you love me
All of me
My demons don't scare you
You have seen enough of your own to know
Mine are a part of me.
Not ALL of me.
I know you love me
The magnitude of your love for me
frightens me
I try to deny it
I tell myself, and you
That your love for others was stronger than what you feel for me.
Sometimes fear can overpower love.
Sometimes confusion
overpowers one's true feelings
I know you love me.
You must love me.
You're still here.



HOLIDAY

You must have been on holiday.
I called and texted, your phone was off.
It must be wonderful to be able to shut off the world like that.
For me
Time spent with you is my holiday.
I don't have to stretch my wings like an eagle
and drift on the current
So high in the sky, so free and beautiful...
I have felt this with you.
I don't have to cross the ocean alone in a canoe
fighting the most severe of storms
Blessing the softest of breezes...
I have felt this with you.
I don't have to fall down the darkest shaft of a well
falling through the darkness, waiting for the depths to arrive
Watching the circle of light grow smaller and smaller....
I have felt this with you.
Roller coaster rides, walks in the park
Scaling the highest mountain, trekking the deepest ravine
Perfect holidays in someone's eyes, it all sounds fun.
But I have felt my heart in my throat
I have heard the songs of the birds
and breathed in the sweet nectar of spring flowers in the park
I have been to the top of Mt Everest
and looked at the glory of the world around me.
I have felt the coolness of the Colorado river on my toes.
All of this I have felt while sitting beside you on the couch.
You are my holiday.
The touch of your skin, the scent of your cologne, the sound of your voice
You are my holiday.
I have experienced a lifetime of emotions during a moment with you.
I know what it feels like to be a supermodel on the runways in Paris
I don't have to go to Jupiter to feel weightless
I have eaten an entire box of imported chocolate & not gained an ounce
All with you.
You are my holiday.
Enjoy your holiday
Turn off your phone
Turn off the world
I will be here
Waiting for my next holiday with you.



WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

Someone asked me once
What does it feel like, being madly in love?
It feels like I have a purpose
It feels like I have a true reason for being.
Giving my love to you makes me whole.
Giving my love to you brings me peace.
Giving my love to you
is what I am meant to do.
I don't need a sacred vow
to know you love me.
I don't need a shiny band of gold
to make you mine.
You don't have to swear to love me forever
You love me now.
You don't have to commit to only me
You are too amazing to keep to myself.
In this moment I will never not love you.
In this moment I will never fall out of love with you.
In this moment I will cry when I miss you
I will dream of falling asleep next to you
I will imagine waking up with you by my side.
In this moment I will smile when I think of you.
What does it feel like,
being madly in love with you?
It is every feeling!
Being in love with you is what I'm meant to do.




I NEED YOU

You hold a piece of my soul in your hand.
The pain of loving you pales beside the river of torment brought about
by the tiniest teardrop of an idea of losing you.
The confusion is strong
The pain is real
I don't know what to do
Please tell me what to do
I am alive when I'm near you!
If you were to ask me what I wanted I couldn't answer you.
I don't know!
I don't have to want your friendship...
I have it.
I don't have to want your kindness...
I have it.
I don't have to want your compassion...
I have it.
I don't have to want your tenderness, your intimacy, your love...
I have it all.
You hold a piece of my heart in your hand.
The pain of loving you diminishes in the shadow of the darkest mountain of fear
thrust upward in the earthquake stirred by the thought of not having you in my life.
I don't know what to do
Can you tell me what to do?
If you were to ask me what I needed,
I'd answer, I need you.




DARKNESS

The darkness engulfs me
I lay down in the cold, empty bed
My heart shatters in countless pieces
You are not here with me.
You say "I am always with you, My heart and my soul are yours."
The light of day makes this feel so real.
The night is another world.
I am human and I ache for your touch
My five senses scream out in the darkness!
Your touch, taste, scent...
the sound of your voice, the way you look at me...
They haunt me in the darkness.
As I try to sleep without you
I close my eyes, I feel your breath, I hear your whispers
I reach out for you, opening my eyes to the dark reality
YOU ARE NOT HERE!
My tears soak my pillow, my cries break the silence.
Your heart and your soul comfort me,
But it is your BODY that I crave in the darkness.
As the morning sun slowly creeps in, waking me from the restless lonely night,
It chases away the darkness.
Until tonight, another night without your here.




IT LEADS TO YOU

Follow my heart
It leads to you
Follow my mind
my heart bleeds
Following my heart helps me soar past the clouds & stars
Into other worlds so unlike our own
Worlds where love rules
Places where energy dances with joy & exuberance
It is right to be in love
It's natural to follow your heart!
Following my heart has kept me alive!
Follow my mind,
My heart dies.
I want to be in that place where I can love you.
My mind keeps me in this world,
a world of guilt and shame
where we must hide our oneness
a place a separateness
a place where the heart is suppressed, held prisoner by gravity and judgement!
The heart is meant to be free!
I feel like a child spinning in a field of daisies on the first day of Spring!
Warm & fresh!
Bright & clear!
No holding back, spinning, eyes closed, face held up into the warmth of the sun, arms held out!
Dizzying, Exhilarating!!
Follow your heart
You will see the beauty of self
You will feel the breath of life and love
Follow my heart, it leads to you.
That is where I want to be.

misdirected emotions

I wasn't raised to be a hateful person. I tell my kids not to use that particular four letter word. its a very ugly word. it means to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest. some of its synonyms are loathe, execrate; despise, abhor, detest, abominate. (dictionary.reference.com) i hear it quite often at work: i hate my schedule! i hate this call! i hate your face! people use it everyday: i hate this traffic, i hate this phone, i hate my boss, etc and so on. but do we really mean it when we say, i hate bananas? i doubt it.

lately i have developed an intense dislike for someone. i feel an extreme aversion for AND extreme hostiliy toward this person. my feelings of hatred for her are getting to the point where i am actually wondering if i am losing my mind. i do not like that i feel such intense emotions about her. this is not who i am. i may not like everyone, as a matter of fact quite a few people pretty much get on my nerves, but i don't hate them. i may disagree with the opinions of others, i may think that some people should really just super glue their lips shut and draw their sustenance thru a tube going directly into their stomachs just so i never have to hear their voice again, but hate? nah, i dont hate them. i am not a hater. then why, please tell me why do i feel like the devil himself when i think about this person?

she is nothing to me. we are not related. she is not my friend. we dont work together. as a matter of fact, i very rarely even see this woman. i believe, as i am counting in my head, i have seen her fewer then 10 times in the 7 plus years that i have known who she is.

i told my boyfriend about my feelings the other day. i said i have shamefully wished for her demise. i have had visions of her lying in a hospital bed as Dr House and his team struggle to find a cure for the unknown disease that is ravaging her body, and they are running out of time. there will be no last minute cure on this episode. i told him that i have never in my life felt this way for any person; not for the many men that broke my heart, not the cop that wrote me the ticket for speeding in my dads car that i know for a fact could never go as fast as he accused me of going, not even George W himself. i didnt leave anything out when i was burdening him with the wickedest of my emotions. i confessed that these feelings are scaring me. what did my boyfriend say in response? i'm stressed. all the stress i've been under is amplifying my emotions.

i forgot to mention that the woman that i feel this blackness for, this depth of pure putrid hate for, is his wife.

yesterday i told my other friend, my WOMAN friend, what i was feeling. she instantly recognized it for what it is; misdirected emotions.

i am blaming his wife for everything. i blame her that he & i can't be together. it is her fault that i go to sleep without him every night. it is because of her that i can't have the happiness that i know i would have if he and i had the life that they share; the cars and the house and the pool and the big huge king sized bed with all the fluffy pillows. she is the Hoover dam blocking my Lake Mead-sized opportunity for happiness and love.

i dont want to ask myself this question but i truly have to: how can it be her fault? she is so blinded by his lies and manipulations that she doesn't even know i exist. he has told me that he does everything in his power to make sure she is happy because as long as she is happy she leaves him alone and he can be happy.

so why do i hate her so much? is it her fault that he doesn't leave her for me? is it her fault that year after year i grow more and more despondant, that the idea of leaving him is scarier then the idea of just staying with what is familiar, comfortable? is it her fault that i choose to stay in a relationship that i know without a doubt is never going to be anymore then what it is right now just so i wont be completely alone? does she deserve my hatred because he knows exactly what to say to me to make me believe him? is my hatred for her justified because i choose to cling to him as if he was a life raft in my ocean of despair?

i want to say yes to all of those questions but the rational side of me knows that none of it is her fault. i have absolutely no reason to hate this woman. what my friend meant when she said its misdirected emotions is i don't want to blame him for everything because if i did surely i wouldn't stay in a relationship that brings me more pain then it does happiness, nor can i blame myself because if i did that means i would have to recognize that i have been making foolish choices for the last 7 years. since i refuse to hate him or myself, i am left with no choice but to hate her. it seems easier to hate her.

but its not easy. its painful and hard and confusing. this is not who i am! i dont hate. i believe in forgiveness and taking responsibility for my actions. i know not to blame others for my misgivings. i have found peace when i have taken a good hard look at myself and realized that a particular situation i may have found myself in was a direct result of my choices and actions leading up to that moment.

i have no one to blame, most certainly not her. her choosing to stay with him is not cause enough for me to hate her. her choosing to stay married to him has nothing to do with my choosing to stay in an adulterous affair with him. we are two women who seperately choose to stay with the same man, for different reasons. she isn't blocking my love from flowing to me. if anyone is blocking love, its me.

i said no to god

i said no to god. on sunday of all days. no, i didn't say no to god by not going to church or not joining a bible study group, nothing so mundane. "god" or the universe, or maybe it was the schizophrenic voices in my head, voices of my own wild imagination; wherever or from whomever the voice came from, it was telling me what i should do to be happy and i said NO. straight out! i went so far as to shout, thats bullshit! why can't i have my happiness the way I want it?? why do i have to do whatYOU want me to do in order to be happy? very quietly, "god", the voice, whomever it is said, obviously your way of creating happiness isn't working for ya.

smartass!!

i dont want to do what i know i SHOULD do. why can't i have happiness the way i want it? thats crap! why should i have to do this in order to have that??? i want that NOW.

or do i?

maybe that is the question i should be asking myself. not why can't i have it the way i want it? i should ask myself, why don't i want it at all? its there for the taking. i can either continue to stand in the quicksand and sink deeper and deeper, pretending that i am happy, trying to convince everyone around me that i am completely accepting of my quicksand paradise, or i can reach out my hand and be freed from the sucking mess that is dragging me down.

do i like the quicksand?

i hate it.

this quicksand is bullshit. but its comfortable and i am familiar with it, its formed itself around me perfectly. there isn't anything scary in the quicksand. i am friends with all the little creepy crawly things that squirm between my toes and wind themselves around my legs. what the voice of "god" is talking about is scary. the thought of allowing myself to be happy...that scares the crap out of me. or maybe its the idea that IF i were to allow myself to find happiness, i am opening myself up to be hurt, opening myself up to disappointment and abandonment. i have all that now! why would i give that all up to dance under the light of happiness for a brief period of time knowing that eventually i will end up right back where i am now?

or is it possible that if i were to listen to "god" or the universe or my schizophrenic voices, reach my hand out and pull myself from this quicksand, could i actually find a happiness that is lasting? that seems to be what the voice is indicating for me. its still yammering away in the back of my head, incessantly telling me "this is the way. if you would only do what i am telling you to do, you will be happy!"

i wish it would just shut the hell up.

still no answer

Dear God, Dear Universe, Dear Great Spirit, Dear whomever it may concern,

please let this be over. one way or the other. please show her what is going on in a way that cannot be refutted. give her concrete proof that cannot be talked out of or be able to be explained away. please let her know what is taking place behind her back and in front of her face.

i don't have the strength to do what everyone has been telling me i need to do. everyone tells me what is best for me, tells me that i deserve better, tells me that i need to move on with my life. i can't. i want what i want. i know in my heart that its never going to happen. it feels so much like the powers that be do not care what i want, that the energies of the universe are not listening to me. thats why i am pleading with you. please, let her know. if she knows she can decide what to do. she will either leave him or she will stay but make it impossible for us. if she stays when she knows fully and without doubt what is going on, i will be able to leave. i dont know what else to ask for. i dont want to find someone else. i dont want to move on with my life, to get over him, to find happiness with another person. i am not going to ask for that. i just want her gone.

i know i am not supposed to ask for things like this and that you have no control over how she will react if and when she has concrete proof that he is having an affair. i know i am not supposed to wish for things to happen to other people so that my wishes can come true. i am so sorry! i am trying so hard to not do that! i dont want to hate her, but i do!!!!!!! i hate everything she represents, every fake moment she has in her made up little world. i hate that she represents herself to the world as the perfect little christian wife, wife of a marine, etc & so forth. she is a liar!

i'm sorry. please forgive me for my thoughts and my wishes. i do not want to hurt anyone, even her. i just need it to be over.

thank you. i know that you are listening to me, even if you have no plan to actually grant my wishes. i do truly appreciate everything that you have given me in my life. please don't think that i am not. i am very thankful for every moment i have, even the tough ones. i don't take things for granted because i know everything is a gift, even the times when i am so filled with anger and hate and the times when i want so much to walk right up to her and tell her what has been going on for the last 7 years. i know that when i feel like that it is an opportunity for me to be the better person. i am trying. i promise you, i am trying.

i do not like that i have given so much of my power to her, and to him. i do not like that i am so dependent on this relationship. i fear that i have lost myself, this time forever. please, someone please listen to me! tell her what is going on! show her! prove to her! please.

horoscope accuracy

"Try not to think too much about what is "supposed" to happen next, Sagittarius. The truth of the matter is that things don't necessarily work out the way they're planned, so don't count on something that has no guarantee of coming to fruition. Stick to your own way of doing things and try not to get too hung up on the results. The key now is to enjoy the process."

Someone read my journal & is just trying to cheer me up, thats all this is. That's the only explanation I have for the accuracy of this horoscope.

I understand the concept of not getting hung up on the results, and just enjoying the process. Putting that concept into practice is much more difficult. Another phrase that has come into my mind lately is "Watch out, you just might get what you're wishing for." I know why that keeps repeating itself in my mind over and over again. Do I really want what I'm wishing for to actually happen? Well, the way I see it, it's never going to happen so I have nothing to worry about. The Universe doesn't seem to care what I want, in this area of my life anyway. I guess what I should take away from this horoscope is I need to stop obsessing about something that I know is never going to happen, especially if I have no intention of doing anything about it myself. Yeah, good luck with that.

what makes me happy

Hearing my kids laugh as they play video games together.
Watching the deer in my neighborhood.
Watching a storm come in, the clouds swirling and changing color, the lightening flashing, hearing the thunder and counting to see how far away it is.
The sound of waves crashing, the feel of the mist as the water hits the rocks.
The feel of his hand on the small of my back, his breath on my neck.
Funniest Home Videos and Wipeout!
Finishing an hour long workout on the elliptical, the sweat pouring from my brow.
Doing laundry in my own washer and dryer.
The warmth of the sun on my skin on a cold March day.
Paying my bills and seeing that I still have a balance in my check book.
Changing my own tire.
Posting something on FB that makes people laugh.
Listening to my brothers tell stories from way back when.
Going home early.
Camp fires.
Hitting all the green lights.
Watching a movie that makes me laugh until I cry.
Having a conversation consisting entirely of movie quotes.
A good hair day.
Shaving my legs and NOT knicking myself.
Running into an old friend that I actually want to see.
Watching my kids doing something they are passionate about.
Sitting quietly as the world moves all around me.

debbie downer

i wish i could put my finger on the one thing that is bothering me so much lately. unfortunately, i think there is alot more then just one thing bothering me. regardless of what those things are, what i am struggling with right now is why am i letting these things bother me?



life is full of a multitude of people, objects, ideas, happenings, occassions, etc that at times can move through our lives without even a second glance from us, then at other times get under our skin like a splinter that we just can't reach, no matter how deep we dig. that's what i'm doing now, digging and digging and digging, trying to reach the friggin splinter that is pissing me off, irritating me, bugging me...but no matter how deep i stick that needle i am not going to get to it, or i'll just push the splinter deeper and deeper.



so, what the heck is so terrible about the splinter(s) that i can't let it go and just let it come to the surface by itself? nothing really. same old stuff, different year.

money: here it is, a couple days after pay day and i have less then a hundred bucks to my name to last the next two weeks. whose fault is that? mine. i have very little savings. money goes in one pocket and out the other. a simple solution to my monthly problem is putting money into a savings account, which i am now doing, but $25 a month isn't going to build up very quickly nor will it last very long if i ever had to dig into it...it's a pretty small bucket right now. looking at the positive side: my rent is paid, my monthly bills are paid, and i DO have a tiny bit in savings, that's a start. also, i'm pretty darn good at living on nothing! no reason this splinter should be getting to me, it barely exists.

my love life: jesus christ, now that's a joke. pure and simple, i'm an idiot. i continue year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day to be in a relationship that is a long lonely walk around an empty lake with no end in sight. i have no one to blame. i can't blame him. i have only myself to point a finger at and say, you are lonely because you choose to be lonely. i hold onto my loneliness like it's a security blanket. it covers me and protects me from the world, it keeps me warm, its familiar and soft, comforting. if i were to let go of my security blanket, my loneliness, i would be unprotected, i would be vulnerable and open to the chance of rejection. to be honest, the thought of putting myself out there, making myself available to new people, having to go through the dance of getting to know someone...that makes me want to puke. i don't want to get to know anyone new. i don't care how many kids you have, what you like to do, what your favorite color is, if you chew with your mouth open or if you snore, if you're a dog person or a cat person (ok, THAT i care about...gotta be dog all the way!). so, i grip tighter and tighter to my blanket, i wrap it around me closer and closer, i hide my face in it, and i wallow in my loneliness. no point in digging at this splinter anymore because its obvious even to me that i enjoy the pain.

maybe i'm just bored. i have never really had roots. i've likened myself to more of a tumbleweed, a rambling rose, a rolling stone. i like my job and i've been there longer then i've ever been at any other position, ever. i love where i live, i really have no desire to move again. still that need to roam is growing stronger and stronger. i've been to california twice this year, so i don't think a vacation will help. i really don't know what will help me clear my mind right now. besides, boredom is more of an itch that you can't scratch then a splinter, but it has the same annoying qualities.

so here i am: broke, lonely by choice, and bored out of my goard. i know life has its cycles, its ups and downs, its parties and its quiet times. this time of splinters will pass and i will find my way again. until then....wah wah wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

bad dream

February 27, 1991 seems like a very long time ago most days. They say time heals all wounds. Generally speaking, I would have to agree with that, and I guess I am an example of that as I have been able to move on with my life, I have made my peace with the event that changed my life and I have forgiven myself for the opportunities that were missed that may have made that day more bearable in the years that came after.
But every now and then that day makes an appearance. Normally when I dream of her, she is sitting quietly in the background, watching what's going on, listening to what's being said. She comes to visit, to check on things, to let me know that she will always be with me, that she didn't leave so many years ago. She very rarely speaks other then with a small smile or a nod, perhaps a hand on my shoulder as she passes by. I treasure these times as they bring me comfort and a sense of closeness that I miss.
The other night, that was a different story. I could feel it coming like a freight train; you can feel them in your soul sometimes, long before you hear the deep whistle, the rumble of the engine and the squeal of the wheels on the tracks. I could sense her dying before my dad ever said the words, "We've been through this before." I felt my legs go out from under me and heard my desperate wail as I tried to wake myself up. no no no no no no no...I could NOT be going through it again! I watched as she collapsed into my dads arms in the kitchen that she spent so much of her life in and I cried out again. It took me several minutes to realized that I was lying in my bed in my still-dark bedroom and I wasn't watching my mom die. The scream that I didn't scream so many years ago was still in my throat. The scene replayed itself in my head over and over: she was in the kitchen in her funny little apron, along with Kyle, Taylor, myself and my dad as she was cooking dinner for us. Taylor had just shown her a picture she drew and squeezed her with her tiny little arms and said "I love you grandma." I knew it was a dream because none of that ever happened. But knowing that something is a dream, and shaking the feeling that the dream brings are two different things. This dream wasn't the quiet visit, the pleasant understanding that she is still with me, standing by me, watching over me. This was a bad dream. It was just a bad dream and I'm awake now. I'm awake. I'm supposed to feel better, right?

USMC Toys for Tots toy drive

Today was a beautiful day! I spent the day with the Pikes Peak Young Marines and a whole lotta bikers! We were a part of the United States Marine Corps' Toys for Tots toy drive. What a wonderful experience! Seeing all those folks on their wicked cool motorcycles, with toys and stuffed animals, dressed like Santa Claus, or in their vests with a thousand different buttons and badges, it helped me to see the kindness and generosity that exists in this world. Everyday in the news we hear about another burglary or personal crime against each other. It can be very discouraging and it makes me wonder if there is any good left. Today, there was an abundance of good! So many of those men and women on their 2-wheeled steeds had been to war and could have come back hateful and angry, yet they were laughing and joyous in their mission to collect toys for less fortunate children. They were cooperative and organized, they were polite and friendly, and they were respectful of each other and their shared goal. It was an incredible thing to see and I was honored to be a part of it.
Today was a good day!

i thought i was done, but i guess not

I had a long discussion with my best friend last night about the different reactions we as humans have to others. I was telling him in a very excited and flabbergasted voice about the ridiculous thoughts of a man who was trying to tell women to not wear make up or high heeled shoes because they were unnatural and imposed upon us by man & satan as revenge, revenge for what im not quite sure, and that this person is getting a book deal to publish just about the worst example of writing i have ever seen. My friend asked me why i was so angry over what this quite obviously mentally ill person said about a subject he has no right to talk about, as he is not a woman but a man. He said, you should laugh at him! You should be thankful that there exists such a person, he adds flavor to life with his bizarre and irrational views. He said, you should shake his hand and say "Hey, thanks man for showing us your ass like that! that was great!" I had to admit he had a point. This man, who proclaims himself an expert in being a woman based on the fact that he was raised by his mother, is a nut job. We laughed and joked about how perhaps he is a woman, maybe his dick is actually an enlarged clitoris or his vagina prolapsed. We had a good time at his expense, but i still cannot bring myself to find any humor in the things he wrote. I can only pray that a sensible publisher will read his "book" very carefully and realize, no one in their right mind will ever read this nonsense and i won't get rich off of him, so we are not going to publish him. But hey, if there is no sense in the world, which we see everyday that there really isn't, he will get published and people will read his distorted rantings and decide for themselves. Such is the way of the world.

starting this over again

I erased my blogs because they were stupid. LOL. Ok, not stupid. They were just simple thoughts about a situation I am in that at any moment I can change, and every moment I choose not to. I'm going to come up with more interesting things to write about. I was going to write about a blog I read that absolutely amazed me in its demention and ridiculousness, but I decided not to waste another moment worrying about the crazed opinion of a woman-hater regarding the female gender. Continuing to give something attention because it is frightening or upsetting just draws that type of energy back into my life, and I don't need that. So, it's on to bigger and better things!