time heals all wounds

I am trying so hard to survive this. A lot of people don't understand, they think I should be able to tell him to f-off and skip happily away like the last 7 1/2 years didn't happen at all. he may not have chosen a life with me but i can't hate him for his choice. he did what he thought was best for him and his children. i wish i could hate him, it would make all of this so much easier. if i was angry and bitter and wished him a slow, agonizing death i may feel better now, but those feelings are not good for anyone. the fact is, right now i love him. i am so deeply in love with him. i only want the best for him, even if the best isn't me. i want him to be happy, even if i am not meant to be the source of that happiness. i pray that he is able to unf#&k his life, like he so eloquently said to me. i hope that he is OK. i don't want him to hurt. i hope to god he isn't feeling the level of pain i feel, but somehow i know he is. despite most people thinking he never really loved me (thanks for giving me that particular opinion by the way, its been very helpful--not), i will die knowing that he loved me more then any other man has ever loved me. no, we didn't have a "typical" relationship; yes he was unable to give me the type of commitment i wanted and we spent more time apart then together...but that doesn't mean we didn't love each other. he showed me he loved me all the time. he always tried to make me laugh when he knew i was feeling down, he brought me fiber...long story!...he worked out with me, he listened to my crazy opinions on the universe and never judged me, he bought me birthday presents and Christmas presents and he remembered our "anniversary" when i didn't, just to name a few small examples. people who don't understand can only see the times he couldn't be there for me. i admit, it would be easier to concentrate on those times because with those times comes anger and bitterness. but even those times i can now look back on and see them with understanding, i can let go of the anger and bitterness i felt at the time. i forgive him for the times he couldn't be there for me, because he loved me.

this is how i know i love him still...i don't hate him; i have tried and it just feels unnatural and awful. i don't wish him a lonely life; i wish him a life filled with love and happiness. i have made a choice to leave a relationship that situationally was not good for either one of us or anyone else involved, but not because it wasn't a loving, honest, beautiful relationship; a friendship. i was very sad when i couldn't be with him and it was getting harder and harder for me to be understanding about the time we spent apart. it hurts enormously that he didn't choose to be with me, and sometimes i think it would have been much easier, or less painful, to just stay with him. the pain of not having him in my life is infinitely worse then the pain of having him in my life but not being able to see him whenever i wanted to. but the times i remember the most are not the times i wanted to see him but couldn't, what i remember the most are the times we were together and laughing our asses off, or singing dumb songs or having hours-long conversations about absolutely nothing. those times make me smile. they make me cry because i miss them and the thought of never having times like that with him again kills me, but i still smile. someday, when the raw pain has shifted to a dull ache, i will be able to smile and laugh again. until then i need to cry, i need to go through this pain. if i don't allow myself to feel it, i will never be able to heal.

here are some quotes that help me. it helps me knowing that other people know how i am feeling right now...as far back as you can go there has been someone with a broken heart. i am not alone.

This, too, shall pass.--i think this is from the bible, old testament.

We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it in full. -- Marcel Proust

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.-- Lewis B. Smedes

I actually think sadness and darkness can be very beautiful and healing. Duncan Sheik

Life is an adventure in forgiveness. Norman Cousins

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu

Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there? Richard Bach

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. Judy Garland

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. Michel de Montaigne

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. Mother Teresa

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. H. L. Mencken

Love that is not madness is not love. Pedro Calderon de la Barca

I always knew I would look back on my tears and laugh; but I never knew I would look back at my laughter and cry. --i wish i knew who said this because i know exactly what he or she is talking about.