I've done it again. I gained 10 pounds & haven't worked out since the middle of January. I just got done eating scrambled eggs & hash browns with a massive serving of green chili on top knowing full well that I am going to feel like shit in a little bit, my stomach is going to be full and uncomfortable, I am going to be burping it up all damn day, and I am going to hate myself for eating it. What the heck?
Is motivation in the gene's? How do some people find their motivation and stick with it? Just speaking for myself, if I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to "lose weight for", I can't seem to find the motivation to get off the couch & take a walk or go workout, or put down the fork and push away from the table before I am so full that I am sick. Just a small example, I am hoping to go to Las Vegas in July. I haven't paid for the trip yet, it's still just a hope right now. But I can already tell you that the minute I get my confirmation # I will be running to the gym to get on that elliptical because then, and only then, will I actually have something to motivate me. As I sit here writing this I know how stupid that is! Yet am I gonna lie and say I have every intention to go work out tonight because it's Wednesday? Nope. I know I should, I know it is the right thing, the healthy thing to do. I know that if I go work out I will feel much better about myself. I know that when I lose weight my self-confidence goes up, I have more energy, I sleep better, I feel better...everything is better. I know that if I go work out I will live longer and be less likely to be on a bunch of medications when I get older. If I work out I will feel less guilty about indulging once in a while in a little green chili. I KNOW these things!!! So why the hell isn't that enough? Why do I have to be looking forward to something in order to find any motivation? What do some people have that I don't?
I admire people that do things for themselves, that are self-motivators. I work with this guy, let's call him Mack, now HE is a serious self-motivator. He was a chubby thing at one time in his life but now through hard work and dedication to himself and his goals, he is like Chuck Norris! Funny thing is, he isn't conceited in any way. He is willing to help anyone who needs it. He gives suggestions and tells people what has helped him, but doesn't point fingers or make you feel bad if you are less then perfect. He cares about himself and his health and loves the way he looks and feels without being this plastic muscle-bound robot meathead. People like him amaze me. How do they do it? Where does it come from? And how do I find that in myself?
This "man" I was dating once told me, in the middle of you-know-what, that I was getting fat. Know what I told him? "I know". I didn't kick his stupid ass off me and tell him to go do what he was doing to me to himself. I just said "I know" then promptly went on a starvation diet. Another "man" told me "If you get down to 130 pounds I'll marry you". That did motivate me to start losing weight, but it was so I could tell him to go "marry" himself as soon as I reached HIS goal weight. We didn't last much longer then that, neither did my diet. Today I have a man in my life who tells me everyday how beautiful I am, whether I am fat or PHAT. I will say to him, "I am getting fat again" and squeeze my rolls around my midsection, and he will gently caress them and say "Hey, I love your love handles!". I wish that was enough to make me feel good about myself. He has helped me look at myself and see the beauty he sees. He has helped me be not as hard on myself. But somehow he hasn't been able to help me find the motivation and dedication it takes to stick with a healthy diet and workout routine, his incredible love hasn't helped me change my lifestyle. I know that has to come from within. I know I have to figure that out for myself. That is the hard part. Looking inside ourselves is one of the hardest things to do.
Do I really, REALLY want to open those doors, peer into those dark closets that have been locked away in the creepy cellar of my self-conscious for so long, or do I just want to stay on this roller coaster of weight loss & weight gain, self love & self loathing? I used to think the easy path would be to continue riding the roller coaster of an unhealthy lifestyle, blaming everyone and everything for my fat ass and muffin top, not taking responsibility for MY actions or lack there of. I am beginning to see that that path, while seeming easy from the surface, is filled with super steep hills and very deep valleys that are getting harder and harder to negotiate. Maybe the truly easy path would be to throw open those closet doors and shed some light on the bs inside. In order to be able to live my life to the fullest and have a happy future, I need to sort through the crap from the past, let it go and move on. I'll never be able to find my motivation if I don't figure out what's holding me back. I'll never be able to keep looking amazing and feeling amazing until I figure out what is making me feel guilty about feeling good.
