Jealousy is a bitch!

I am really a jealous little bitch sometimes.

I'm jealous of skinny girls.
I'm jealous of people in "normal" relationships.
I'm jealous of people who can afford the things that I cannot.
I'm jealous of people who have cable.
I'm jealous of people who are laughing and having a good time while I am all grouchy and cranky and pissy.
I'm jealous of my dog, well, because he's a dog!
I'm jealous of my brothers and their seemingly perfect lives.
I'm jealous of girls who get out of one relationship and are immediately in another.
I'm jealous of people who are either engaged, married, & yes, divorced because if they are divorced at least someone, at one time, found them worthy of marrying.

I'm sure I could go on & on.

Jealousy is insidious and sometimes, for me, it is one of the most difficult feelings to fight. Please don't confuse my feelings of jealousy with hate. I don't like the word "hate", I try very hard not to express that particular feeling toward anything or anyone. I may say, "I hate that..." but that's just a knee-jerk reaction. When I take a close look at what I said I hated, I see that I don't really "hate" it, it was just my other emotions expressing themselves. Hate is much easier for me to let go of than jealousy. Most of the people that I find myself feeling jealous over I absolutely love with all my heart & soul! That's probably why it bothers me so much when I come face to face with the fact that my thoughts and feelings that I have been so confused about are based in jealousy.

The last few months I have been angry, irritable, moody, lazy, uncaring, feeling rather defeated, etc & so forth. I was wondering if maybe I needed to go to the Dr. & get some prescription help because I haven't been able to snap myself out of this pile of crap I'm in. I have been travelling down the path of self-discovery for a very long time. I have read just about every book about self-love and spirituality, the power of positive thoughts, & the power of attraction. I remember what it was like to read "Conversations With God" the first time and how much I cried because I thought, "This is IT!!! This is the answer to ALL the questions I have ever had!" When that feeling faded I read "Return to Love" & felt all those feelings again. When those feelings faded I read some other book about something positive & self-helpy, maybe that was the Quantum Physics phase, or maybe it was "The Secret". I'm not sure. Now it seems everyone around me is discovering all the feelings that I discovered for myself 10 years ago, and I'm friggin jealous of them! They are quoting wonderfully positive things to each other and telling everyone they see how beautiful & amazing & wonderful they are and I want to throw up. The BIG green monster of jealousy is rearing its ugly head and trying to knock me off the path, it is holding me back so I am eating the dust of those around me that have found the path and are charging down it like Spartans. The only thing is, until this morning, I had no idea why I was so irritated by them, why all the wonderful, kind, positive things that they are saying was bothering me so much. I have said ALL those things, to myself and to friends & family in trying to encourage them to join me on my path to a more positive, enlightened me. But dude, seriously, omg, hearing it every day has been seriously getting under my skin!

See what I mean when I say I'm a jealous little bitch sometimes?

Jealousy robs us of our selves. It blocks the positive energy that is being sent to us from others. It makes our perception of things so distorted that we can't tell what is real & what is just a figment of our imagination. It tries to make us look outside ourselves for reasons as to why our life sucks, it tries to find blame in everyone other then ourselves. It looks at only the negative in life. It does everything it can to keep us from seeing anything positive about anything! Jealousy is a product of the ego, and the ego is a conniving, ugly, blameless, selfish little shit that desires nothing but for us to remain miserable, angry and empty, all under the guise of pride and self-preservation. Jealousy truly is a monster, but it is a monster that can be defeated. The secret weapon is simply facing it.

This morning all I could think about was how irritated I was at just about everything. I can't even put my finger on the moment I realized that I was feeling jealous. It was so subtle, almost like a whisper in my ear. That little whisper was just enough because I see it now, and while I am not fully released from its grasp, I know what I need to do. I see you, you little green jerk. I recognize you, I know what you are doing. It's cute how hard you try to destroy me, but you can't! I hope you enjoyed the party, cuz it's over now. I know you'll be back, so until we meet again, I don't need you anymore.

my conversation with "God"

Dear God, it's me Nancy...oh wait, sorry, Judy Blume already did that.

Yo, dude, are you still up there? Nah, that only works when I'm rocking the ghange (which i NEVER do!) Holy crap, was that thunder I just heard???

God, I have a few questions for you if you have a minute or two...

For you, I have 10 minutes.

Gee, thanks.

You're welcome!

Whatever. So, what the hell?

Is that you're first question?

No! Jesus!

He's not here, he's busy whispering funny shit into people's ears to see what they do.

Wow. So look, I've been feeling very frustrated lately, feeling alot of anger. Not at anyone in particular, just a general sense of anger...

And frustration?

Yes. Frustration.

Hey, I thought you didn't believe in me? Why are you coming to me with this now? You don't talk to me when things are going well, why do you only come to me when you're feeling frustrated?

I'm sorry, shit! I still don't necessarily believe in you, I just need someone to talk to. If you don't want to, whatever. But I thought you were supposed to be my FATHER. Isn't that the way it goes between parents & their kids, the kids only call when things go sour?

Yes, yes. I was just being a douche. Sorry. I am here for you whether you believe in me or not. I believe in YOU!

Dude, I'm not here for a Positive Energy Pep Talk.

Go on, I'm listening. No more pep talk. You are angry & frustrated. What's going on in your life that could be making you feel this way?

I don't know. If I knew I wouldn't be here talking to you, would I?

Hey chick, you came to me! I'm just trying to help!

I know, I'm sorry! See what I mean? I'm turning into this ugly, heinous witch!
I think I am bored, but surely that can't be all of it. It's like, I'm finally in a stable time in my life, and it's boring me to tears!!!!

You are used to drama, fluctuation, ups & downs. You aren't used to calmness & serenity.

Right. I mean, I have a good job, a nice place to live that I can actually afford, I have a good reliable car, Taylor has been behaving herself (knock on wood!!), Fletcher & I are getting along great, despite me trying to start fights...I may be living paycheck to paycheck but I am very grateful for that...I would LOVE more then anything to have money in savings and not be broke 2 days after getting paid but that never seems to happen...

So, I heard a couple of things there that maybe behind your frustration. Money is always a huge source of anger & frustration. Let me ask you this, you say you are trying to cause a fight between you and Fletcher. Why?

I don't know.

Really? I bet you do.

Because he's still fucking married & the stupid bitch won't leave & I can't fucking deal with it anymore yet I do, day after day after day after fucking day I sit back and wait for something, ANYTHING, to happen and nothing does! Every fucking day it's the same shit! What more do I have to do? I wrote the stupid bitch a fucking letter telling her everything and yet she's still there! He tells me he doesn't love her, that he's only there for his kids and yada yada yada, I don't believe him when he tells me he doesn't love her but I so badly WANT to believe him. I love him so goddamn much, he is everything, EVERYTHING I have ever wanted, everything I will EVER want in a man, yet he's unavailable, unattainable...I can't be with him the way I want to be despite me asking YOU to help me! You don't help me! You give that Jesus-loving freak bitch he's married to everything!!! She is the biggest hypocrite I have ever known yet she has everything I have ever wanted...she has him....

Wow...Ok. Tell me how you really feel why don't you.

I'm sorry. I'm just...

I know, frustrated.

God, I've tried. I have TRIED to leave him. It almost killed me. The thought of being without him is a thought I just cannot dare to let cross my mind. I tried. I don't want to go through it again. Can't you please just do something with her? Get rid of her? Send her on some frickin mission to some unholy land that needs saved? Better yet, help her pull her head out of her ass & make her take a good long look at herself and her "marriage" & her holier-than-thou Christian beliefs and tell her to leave him? Why is she still there? Why????

Why are you?

What?

Why are you still here? Why are you still in a relationship with a man who isn't going to leave his wife for you?

(silence)

Why should she leave him? Shouldn't he be the one leaving her for you? Look, I love you. You know I do. But I cannot control her, anymore then I can control you. She is choosing to stay married to a man that she knows is completely unfaithful to her just as you are choosing to stay in a relationship with a man who won't leave his wife to be with you. Despite popular opinion, I am not in charge of her. Her journey is her own, just as you journey is your own. Do I like that you are both ignoring me? Honestly, I couldn't care less. What you do with the information I provide you is entirely up to you. If I show you two paths, one that is happy & full of butterflies & gumdrops, & another that is dark & steep and rocky and full of screaming, crying banshees, & you choose the dark path, please don't come crying to me asking me "Why, oh why God have you forsaken me???". I forsake no one. Do you know why? Because I don't care!

What kind of bullshit is that, you don't care???

I love you no matter what you do. I am sorry that you continue to choose the hardest path there is, but that is YOUR choice. I love you no matter what you do. When you sit in your chair at night, watching TV & eating all the crap there is in your cabinets, I still love you. I try to show you as simply as I can that that isn't a healthy choice and it isn't going to make you happy, but you do it anyway. I still love you. When I show you in no uncertain terms that he isn't going to leave his wife to be with you, and she isn't going to leave him, and as long as you remain in a relationship with a married man you are going to feel alone and frustrated and angry, yet you continue to do that same thing and watch the years tick by, I still love you.

But he loves me.

Yes, yes he does. I can tell you that. He does love you. But you and I BOTH know that he loves HIMSELF more. Why do you think he won't let you go? Because you make him feel good! You make him happy! Why do you think he won't let her go? Because she makes him feel good. Being married to her makes him look good. He is so concerned with what everyone thinks, how he APPEARS to everyone that he is willing to do whatever he has to do to maintain that lie, and you my dear are part of it. I know you where in alot of pain last year when you tried to leave him. I know that the letter you wrote didn't do what you hoped it would do and now you feel lost, like you've given up. I'm sorry sweetie, but there is nothing I can do about that but try to show you, again, all the things you already know. Yes, if you choose to stay with him you will continue to feel frustrated, lonely, angry, but you will still have him & his love in your life. Yes, if you choose to leave him you are going to hurt, you are going to cry, you are going to question why you have to go through all of this, you are going to question why you can't be with the man of your dreams. But I am telling you, and I know you don't believe me, but I am telling you that if you leave him you will be ok. You will get through the hard part and you will be ok. I am not a fortune teller and frankly I don't care about the future. I am eternal, the future isn't a big deal for me, so I can't see if you are going to meet someone who will be able to dedicate his life to you, someone you can spend the rest of you life with. But what I can tell you is that if you choose to leave him you will feel better about yourself.

I can't. The pain I feel just thinking about it....I can't!

If you can't bear the pain that comes from leaving him, then learn to deal with the emotions that come from staying.

I've tried.

Well, if you have tried and still haven't figured out how to deal with them, maybe that is another little clue trying to tell you something. Why don't you people ever listen to me?

I do listen. I do. I just choose to ignore all your wonderful advice and do what I want. Why do I do that? I just don't understand....

Me either.

I love him. I feel loved BY him. Doesn't that count for anything?

Of course it does. Don't discount his love, it is real. But, and he can't help this, it is who he is, as real as the love he feels for you is, he will ALWAYS put himself first. Always.

I wish I could.

You can.

God, why? Why did I meet him, fall in love with him, start having all these hopes & dreams about him...all when you knew I could never truly be with him the way I want to? Why?

Sometime I bring someone into your life to help you make your way out of the darkness that you are in. When you met him you were in darkness and you needed help out. When I showed you the signs that it wasn't meant to be long term, you ignored them. When I sent more signs, and more signs, and more signs, you ignored ALL of them. It is not my responsibility that you stayed past the time I thought you needed him. You needed a life preserver to get you out of the deep...you are in shallow water now, just put your feet down and you will see that you can let go.

No.

Ok, then don't.

I can't!

Yes, you can. There is NOTHING that you can't do. You can do ANYTHING.

Can I fly?

No. Shut up.



I'm sorry sweetie, but it's up to you. I love you, I don't care what you do. I hate to see you hurting, but there is nothing I can do about it. When I came up with this big plan, I thought to myself that as long as the many many pieces of me know that they are part of the whole and that they are truly loved, they will be fine, they will be happy, they will flourish and know heaven in their lives. It hasn't worked out as well as I'd hoped. But I do love you, no matter what.

I know. Thank you.

Hang in there. I'm always here when you need to talk.

When am I gonna win the lottery?

When's the last time you bought a lottery ticket???

Yeah...I gotta go. Thanks for listening. I love you too.