I push my fingers into my eyes!

This rage has a familiar feeling. I thought I had left it behind, I hoped that I would never feel it again. But here it is, boiling up, trying to make me do something or say something that I will regret, trying to make me fall into the hate that it is harboring. Hate is such an easy emotion to fall into. I have almost lost myself to it before. I can't allow that to happen again.

I fought hard to be able to forgive. The hate and the rage built such a barrier to forgiveness that I never thought it could be breached. But it was, forgiveness prevailed. In it's patience and unending perseverance, forgiveness was able to reach my heart and destroy the hate and rage that had taken over.

Yet years later, the familiar rage is back and without notice it has dug its claws into my heart. The words "I hate her" are on the tip of my tongue, fighting like a pitbull to leave my lips in an utterance of ugliness and defeat. The person I was is trying to come back: the angry, frightened, self-destroying, self-alienating person that I was is welcoming the rage and the hate with open arms, waiting for an opportunity to resurface and destroy everything I have become. Why does it seem so easy to just let it happen? Why is hate so much easier then forgiveness and love?

I don't want to hate her. I forgave her for everything she had ever done to me. I left it behind like unclaimed baggage at the airport. I was able to find the love for her again, and it felt good, it felt right. I was happy! I didn't realize how much I missed her until she was in my life again. Now, in just a few short weeks, the love is quickly fading, being taken over by the rage & the hate that closed off my heart before. All the moments that I had forgiven are back, building blocks to the great wall of hate around my heart. I don't want to remember the pain from the past! I don't want to feel the pain that is taking place right now! Why does this have to happen? Why does history repeat itself?

This time I will recognize the hate & the rage for what it is: an emotional reaction to what I perceive is a wrong done to me. But if I calmly sit back and really think about it, what can be done to me that I didn't allow? I am responsible for my emotions, my feelings. If I allow the actions of another person to turn me into an angry monster, a person so full of hate and rage that the only thing I can do is destroy my relationships with everyone & everything, then that person has won, that person has all the power, I will be left powerless. I will not let that happen. Yes, there is anger and pain because I feel like I was used and betrayed by a person that I love, a person that I wanted so badly to love me back. What I need to do is not fight the emotion, but acknowledge it. There is this anger. There is this pain. There is this sense of loss, this sense of disappointment and rejection. These emotions are coming from the actions of another person, therefore they are mistaken. The emotions, not the other person! She made her choice for her life, the choice she believes is right for her. I made my choice, the choice that I feel is right for me. Those two choices are not even in the same universe. And that is ok. Her choice for herself truly has no bearing on my life. She didn't "do" anything to me that I didn't give her permission to do. Allowing emotions like hate and rage to take over my life would be a huge mistake, it would be something I was doing to myself.

I'm not quite ready to say that I forgive her. Actually, what is there to forgive? She is who she is, I knew that before I allowed her back into my life. All the signs showed me that she hadn't changed at all so I had no basis to think she had. So being surprised and hurt by actions that are completely typical of her is all on me. What I am going to do is stop worrying about it, stop pondering over what I could have done differently, accept the circumstances as just another day in the life, let it go and move on. If something comes up as a result of the steps I have already taken when I allowed myself to fall victim to the rage, then I will deal with it. I have taken back my power. I am in control of myself. She does not control me, she has no power over me. Good bye. (this is me turning around and not looking back).

I am a different person then i was, lets say 3-4 years ago

I've changed alot, especially over the last few years. The changes I see in myself could be attributed to age/maturity, or the sweet gentle guidance of my best friend, or maybe it's just me being really tired of the drama I was creating in my own life. I used to be very unforgiving, judgemental, had the attitude that I was always right and everyone else was wrong and why didn't everyone see it my way, and was a depressed, woah-is-me person who wasn't alot of fun to be around. I felt unjustly persecuted by everyone and blamed everyone else for my life, I in no way wanted to take responsibility for my own actions.
I am very different now. I don't feel persecuted. I don't blame anyone but myself when life gets difficult (I don't even BLAME myself anymore). I don't see the difficult parts in life as this insurmountable obstacle, I see them as challenges that are meant to be overcome. I forgive very easily, whether asked or not, including forgiving myself. I try very hard to not judge anyone and when I do find myself steering towards the judgemental side, I turn myself around and remember what it's like to be judged. I still get hurt when I think someone may not be on my side, but then I think to myself, Hey everyone is entitled to their opinion, thoughts, etc and what THEY feel has NOTHING to do with me & how I feel about MY life. I'm not depressed anymore. Sure I have days when I am sad, but those days are just that, maybe a day or two here & there with plenty of days when I am very happy...not day after day after day after day of sadness & deep, ridiculous emotional outbursts with no sign of the tears ever ending. So yes, I am very different then I was, let's say 3-4 years ago.
There are people out there that I have forgiven that have no idea that I have forgiven them as they never asked for my forgiveness. I think what it is, more then "You are Forgiven!" is a deep sense of love for myself and realizing that the pain I may have felt in the past from what I perceived to be hurtful actions on the others part is over and today is a new day and I don't want to waste anymore time "hating" someone. Hate is a very ugly, ugly emotion and it can tear a person apart from the inside out. I don't hate anyone anymore, not for a long period of time anyway. There is always that initial "God Dammit I fucking HATE YOU!" emotion, but now I have learned to accept that emotion, feel it, acknowledge it, then let it go. I just can't hang on to that ugliness anymore.
I have felt that recently. I have felt unappreciated, unthanked, uncared for, etc. Alot of "un"s. I have felt anger and regret in allowing someone back into my life that had hurt me before (no, it's not the person you all are thinking about, sorry!), and I have felt just plain pissed off! The difference between, let's say 3-4 years ago, and today is a couple days later I have released my anger, my pain, my fear, and I wish nothing but the best for this person that I love very much. And another difference from let's say 3-4 years ago and now, I am not gonna make a big deal out of it. I was so very into drama in the past, I had to get as many people involved as possible, I had to drag unwilling participants into my drama and make sure that they were on my side. Not anymore. I have a very quiet, peaceful life now & I really enjoy it. I find it much easier to let go of the drama of the past. Instead of making a huge thing of something, I write about it in a blog that not a whole lot of people read (thank you to those that do! love ya!), I acknowledge the pain and the fear and the anger that I felt, and I let it go. Time to move on.

I love this person. With all my heart. And I wish nothing but the absolute best for them. We have different ideas about life, we have much different views on right & wrong, but ya know, differences make the world a very interesting place. My life is calm, quiet, peaceful...and I like it that way. Having that peacefulness shook up a little makes me appreciate it so much more, and for that I am very grateful.

Here's to unspoken forgiveness and letting go of the past. It's amazing how much different I am since I've learned (am still learning) to do this. It turns a frown upside down!