This rage has a familiar feeling. I thought I had left it behind, I hoped that I would never feel it again. But here it is, boiling up, trying to make me do something or say something that I will regret, trying to make me fall into the hate that it is harboring. Hate is such an easy emotion to fall into. I have almost lost myself to it before. I can't allow that to happen again.
I fought hard to be able to forgive. The hate and the rage built such a barrier to forgiveness that I never thought it could be breached. But it was, forgiveness prevailed. In it's patience and unending perseverance, forgiveness was able to reach my heart and destroy the hate and rage that had taken over.
Yet years later, the familiar rage is back and without notice it has dug its claws into my heart. The words "I hate her" are on the tip of my tongue, fighting like a pitbull to leave my lips in an utterance of ugliness and defeat. The person I was is trying to come back: the angry, frightened, self-destroying, self-alienating person that I was is welcoming the rage and the hate with open arms, waiting for an opportunity to resurface and destroy everything I have become. Why does it seem so easy to just let it happen? Why is hate so much easier then forgiveness and love?
I don't want to hate her. I forgave her for everything she had ever done to me. I left it behind like unclaimed baggage at the airport. I was able to find the love for her again, and it felt good, it felt right. I was happy! I didn't realize how much I missed her until she was in my life again. Now, in just a few short weeks, the love is quickly fading, being taken over by the rage & the hate that closed off my heart before. All the moments that I had forgiven are back, building blocks to the great wall of hate around my heart. I don't want to remember the pain from the past! I don't want to feel the pain that is taking place right now! Why does this have to happen? Why does history repeat itself?
This time I will recognize the hate & the rage for what it is: an emotional reaction to what I perceive is a wrong done to me. But if I calmly sit back and really think about it, what can be done to me that I didn't allow? I am responsible for my emotions, my feelings. If I allow the actions of another person to turn me into an angry monster, a person so full of hate and rage that the only thing I can do is destroy my relationships with everyone & everything, then that person has won, that person has all the power, I will be left powerless. I will not let that happen. Yes, there is anger and pain because I feel like I was used and betrayed by a person that I love, a person that I wanted so badly to love me back. What I need to do is not fight the emotion, but acknowledge it. There is this anger. There is this pain. There is this sense of loss, this sense of disappointment and rejection. These emotions are coming from the actions of another person, therefore they are mistaken. The emotions, not the other person! She made her choice for her life, the choice she believes is right for her. I made my choice, the choice that I feel is right for me. Those two choices are not even in the same universe. And that is ok. Her choice for herself truly has no bearing on my life. She didn't "do" anything to me that I didn't give her permission to do. Allowing emotions like hate and rage to take over my life would be a huge mistake, it would be something I was doing to myself.
I'm not quite ready to say that I forgive her. Actually, what is there to forgive? She is who she is, I knew that before I allowed her back into my life. All the signs showed me that she hadn't changed at all so I had no basis to think she had. So being surprised and hurt by actions that are completely typical of her is all on me. What I am going to do is stop worrying about it, stop pondering over what I could have done differently, accept the circumstances as just another day in the life, let it go and move on. If something comes up as a result of the steps I have already taken when I allowed myself to fall victim to the rage, then I will deal with it. I have taken back my power. I am in control of myself. She does not control me, she has no power over me. Good bye. (this is me turning around and not looking back).
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