I've changed alot, especially over the last few years. The changes I see in myself could be attributed to age/maturity, or the sweet gentle guidance of my best friend, or maybe it's just me being really tired of the drama I was creating in my own life. I used to be very unforgiving, judgemental, had the attitude that I was always right and everyone else was wrong and why didn't everyone see it my way, and was a depressed, woah-is-me person who wasn't alot of fun to be around. I felt unjustly persecuted by everyone and blamed everyone else for my life, I in no way wanted to take responsibility for my own actions.
I am very different now. I don't feel persecuted. I don't blame anyone but myself when life gets difficult (I don't even BLAME myself anymore). I don't see the difficult parts in life as this insurmountable obstacle, I see them as challenges that are meant to be overcome. I forgive very easily, whether asked or not, including forgiving myself. I try very hard to not judge anyone and when I do find myself steering towards the judgemental side, I turn myself around and remember what it's like to be judged. I still get hurt when I think someone may not be on my side, but then I think to myself, Hey everyone is entitled to their opinion, thoughts, etc and what THEY feel has NOTHING to do with me & how I feel about MY life. I'm not depressed anymore. Sure I have days when I am sad, but those days are just that, maybe a day or two here & there with plenty of days when I am very happy...not day after day after day after day of sadness & deep, ridiculous emotional outbursts with no sign of the tears ever ending. So yes, I am very different then I was, let's say 3-4 years ago.
There are people out there that I have forgiven that have no idea that I have forgiven them as they never asked for my forgiveness. I think what it is, more then "You are Forgiven!" is a deep sense of love for myself and realizing that the pain I may have felt in the past from what I perceived to be hurtful actions on the others part is over and today is a new day and I don't want to waste anymore time "hating" someone. Hate is a very ugly, ugly emotion and it can tear a person apart from the inside out. I don't hate anyone anymore, not for a long period of time anyway. There is always that initial "God Dammit I fucking HATE YOU!" emotion, but now I have learned to accept that emotion, feel it, acknowledge it, then let it go. I just can't hang on to that ugliness anymore.
I have felt that recently. I have felt unappreciated, unthanked, uncared for, etc. Alot of "un"s. I have felt anger and regret in allowing someone back into my life that had hurt me before (no, it's not the person you all are thinking about, sorry!), and I have felt just plain pissed off! The difference between, let's say 3-4 years ago, and today is a couple days later I have released my anger, my pain, my fear, and I wish nothing but the best for this person that I love very much. And another difference from let's say 3-4 years ago and now, I am not gonna make a big deal out of it. I was so very into drama in the past, I had to get as many people involved as possible, I had to drag unwilling participants into my drama and make sure that they were on my side. Not anymore. I have a very quiet, peaceful life now & I really enjoy it. I find it much easier to let go of the drama of the past. Instead of making a huge thing of something, I write about it in a blog that not a whole lot of people read (thank you to those that do! love ya!), I acknowledge the pain and the fear and the anger that I felt, and I let it go. Time to move on.
I love this person. With all my heart. And I wish nothing but the absolute best for them. We have different ideas about life, we have much different views on right & wrong, but ya know, differences make the world a very interesting place. My life is calm, quiet, peaceful...and I like it that way. Having that peacefulness shook up a little makes me appreciate it so much more, and for that I am very grateful.
Here's to unspoken forgiveness and letting go of the past. It's amazing how much different I am since I've learned (am still learning) to do this. It turns a frown upside down!
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