i just watched Inception and my mind is blown! i know i'm a little late, lots and lots of people have already watched it. but i just watched it and my mind is blown.
i can't tell you how many times i have WISHED that i could put just the tiniest little thought into another persons head. nothing harmful...ok, well most of the time nothing harmful. just the hint of an idea; for example i wish to god that i could put the idea of divorce into her mind, enough of an idea to make her take action and not just think about it. i have wished i could get into that thick frickin head of hers and show her the things he and i do to each other, the way he tells me he loves me, the words he uses to describe his marriage: prison, life sentence with a chance of parole in 10-12 years, a mistake...i have dreamt over and over about her seeing us together so that she would finally choose to leave him because she would have the proof she needs, she would KNOW. how many times have i wished i could get into a guys head and make him believe that he was meant to be with me, that i was the perfect woman for him (i'm pretty thankful that that dream hasn't come true). how many times have i thought, "this absolutely cannot be my reality...this sucks! this HAS to be a dream!" only to realize that yup, this suck ass shit is my reality. the same goes for the wonderful times; as i am laying in his arms and looking at his amazing face the thought always crosses my mind "i am dreaming right now. it is an incredible dream, it feels so real, i can hear his heartbeat and feel the warmth of his breath on my neck, but as real as it seems it has to be a dream". its when he gets up and has to leave that i realize that i hadn't been dreaming, he REALLY was holding me in his arms and whispering my name.
i feel sorry for people that have such a strong foothold in reality that they can't seem to lose themselves in their dreams, or are so afraid of losing a dream-like moment when the reality returns that they can't allow themselves to just sit back and enjoy the moment for what it is. sometimes dreams are so much better then reality, but some moments in life are so incredible that they beat anything we could have ever dreamed. i believe that if something can be dreamt of or thought of then it is possible. imagine if the concept of Inception was possible...blows my frickin mind! it makes me wanna go to sleep right now and dream about planting that little seed into her head, or just dream about my life with him. either one works for me.
Monday, March 28, 2011
catch-22
"A Catch-22, coined by Joseph Heller in his novel Catch-22, is a logical paradox arising from a situation in which an individual needs something that can only be acquired by not being in that very situation; therefore, the acquisition of this thing becomes logically impossible. Catch-22s are often spoken with regard to rules, regulations, procedures, or situations in which one has knowledge of being or becoming a victim but has no control over it occurring.Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/catch-22#ixzz1HucyluDi".
i don't see myself as a victim. i am responsible for my choices and actions. i am lonely because i stay with a man who can't be with me the way i wish he could be with me, but that loneliness is very small in comparison to the pain i feel when i try to leave him. today i am blue because i spent time with him this weekend. i love spending time with him yet spending time with him makes the time i am apart from him more difficult.
i crave spending time with him. when i do get to spend time with him my mind is preoccupied with the moment that the time we are spending together will end. after spending time with him i miss him more then i did before, therefore needing to spend more time with him.
everyday i choose to be in a situation that is painful for me. i choose to stay in a relationship with a man that can't be with me the way i wish he could because he chooses to stay in a marriage that, according to what he tells me, he feels is a prison in order to save his children from the pain of a divorce. i try to tell him that i could make him happy, that a life with me doesn't mean a life without his children and that if we were together i would do everything i could to make sure his life with his children didn't change. his point of view is a life with me means a life separated from his children. he knows he would be happy with me and wants a life with me but he would be unhappy because he thinks he would be without his kids. he stays married to a woman he doesn't want to be married to because he wants his children to be happy, which makes him happy. he stays in a relationship with me because he loves me and being with me makes him happy. being without his children makes him miserable. being without me makes him miserable. being with him this way makes me miserable. being without him makes me miserable.
when i listen to my brain and i break up with him with the idea that i will move on and find a man who can be with me the way i wish he could be with me, i am so completely miserable that i find it difficult to breath, to be alive. somedays i can deal with it just fine. somedays i find it an impossible situation. somedays i think, a little patience is all i need and someday my loyalty and love will be rewarded with a life with him. somedays i think, what a crock of shit! somedays i want to grab her by the neck and tell her, "you stupid bitch! he fucks me as often as he can, he tells me he can't wait until the day he can divorce you, he tells me he dreams of being married to me, he calls you a vindictive bitch that would ruin his life at the first opportunity you have!" somedays i want to hear her side of it, i want to hear the bs he tells her to keep her around, is the same sort of bs he tells me to keep me around? somedays i just want to win the lottery and move as far away from here as i can, a place where no one knows me and he will never find me. somedays i want her to do the same thing so i can have him to myself.
everyday i love him. somedays i wish i didn't...but i still do.
i don't see myself as a victim. i am responsible for my choices and actions. i am lonely because i stay with a man who can't be with me the way i wish he could be with me, but that loneliness is very small in comparison to the pain i feel when i try to leave him. today i am blue because i spent time with him this weekend. i love spending time with him yet spending time with him makes the time i am apart from him more difficult.
i crave spending time with him. when i do get to spend time with him my mind is preoccupied with the moment that the time we are spending together will end. after spending time with him i miss him more then i did before, therefore needing to spend more time with him.
everyday i choose to be in a situation that is painful for me. i choose to stay in a relationship with a man that can't be with me the way i wish he could because he chooses to stay in a marriage that, according to what he tells me, he feels is a prison in order to save his children from the pain of a divorce. i try to tell him that i could make him happy, that a life with me doesn't mean a life without his children and that if we were together i would do everything i could to make sure his life with his children didn't change. his point of view is a life with me means a life separated from his children. he knows he would be happy with me and wants a life with me but he would be unhappy because he thinks he would be without his kids. he stays married to a woman he doesn't want to be married to because he wants his children to be happy, which makes him happy. he stays in a relationship with me because he loves me and being with me makes him happy. being without his children makes him miserable. being without me makes him miserable. being with him this way makes me miserable. being without him makes me miserable.
when i listen to my brain and i break up with him with the idea that i will move on and find a man who can be with me the way i wish he could be with me, i am so completely miserable that i find it difficult to breath, to be alive. somedays i can deal with it just fine. somedays i find it an impossible situation. somedays i think, a little patience is all i need and someday my loyalty and love will be rewarded with a life with him. somedays i think, what a crock of shit! somedays i want to grab her by the neck and tell her, "you stupid bitch! he fucks me as often as he can, he tells me he can't wait until the day he can divorce you, he tells me he dreams of being married to me, he calls you a vindictive bitch that would ruin his life at the first opportunity you have!" somedays i want to hear her side of it, i want to hear the bs he tells her to keep her around, is the same sort of bs he tells me to keep me around? somedays i just want to win the lottery and move as far away from here as i can, a place where no one knows me and he will never find me. somedays i want her to do the same thing so i can have him to myself.
everyday i love him. somedays i wish i didn't...but i still do.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
sorry about springin that on you
i hope it's not too late for me to retrain my daughter to NOT talk about every single thing that is going on in her life. I for years have had that very bad habit and now I am starting to regret it. You see, when you talk and talk and talk to your friends and family about how much it hurts to be in love with someone you can't be with the way everyone thinks is normal and acceptable, don't be upset with the reaction you get when you show up with that person at a party.
To my friends, I'm sorry. I know it upset you. It's my fault. You only know what i have told you and unfortunately most of what i have told you has been painful. it's hard for me to talk about how wonderful i feel when i'm with him, how loved i feel, how safe, how wanted, how accepted, how complete i feel when i'm with him. i know what i've done by only talking about the hard times. i've made him into some sort of evil, ugly asshole. my blabber mouth has turned the man i love into someone that my friends and family hate.
this really sucks. i am such a jackass for putting people i care about into an awkward, uncomfortable situation. for that i am so sorry to everyone involved.
thank you for caring enough about me to be pissed at me for showing up with someone that i have cried on your shoulder about. and thank you for trying your best to be decent to him and for not stabbing him in the eye. i really appreciate that!
i love him. for that i am not sorry. sometimes in life unconventional relationships form. while i can't be with him the way society and my friends and family want me to be, i would rather be with him this way then be without him. the times that i have cut him out of my life i have felt like i was going to die. i am not just sad over a breakup. i want to stop living. the pain of being separated from him is unbearable. the pain of having the sort of relationship that we have pales at the way i feel when we leave each other. if others could experience the way i feel when his hand is in mine, maybe they would understand why i can't just move on. there is no moving on from that feeling. there is no moving on from love.
Friday, March 4, 2011
i choose to be a debbie-downer sometimes!
i woke up feeling quite sorry for myself. it's payday and instead of being happy that i have a job that pays me a decent wage, i was sad because after paying my bills and setting aside money for gas i have basically nothing left. all i could think of was having no money for the next two weeks and how sick and tired i am of living paycheck to paycheck, and feeling jealous of those who don't have to worry about money week after week, and wondering what it would feel like to be those people. i do realize that there are much less fortunate people than I am and I am very lucky to have a good job and a nice apartment and a car that runs and most months I am able to pay my bills on time, blah blah blah. i do know that i should be thankful instead of feeling sorry for myself. i know this. as i sat at my desk at work pondering why i am concentrating so hard on what i don't have instead of the things i DO have, a light bulb went off over my head: i WANT to be sad right now. I don't feel like feeling thankful. I feel like feeling sorry for myself!
i have read so many self-help books on How to Be Happy! and they all say CHOOSE to be HAPPY! i completely understand that and i have even tried to explain it to others. there have been many times when i have purposefully chosen to be happy instead of fall into the trap of being a debbie-downer. its fucking hard! it is a very difficult thing to do. sometimes when life is hard and the world is closing in on me, it is sooooo much easier to just say Screw You Happiness, you ain't takin me this time! i CHOOSE to feel sorry for myself and you ain't gonna make me see the good things in my life! Nope, ain't gonna do it! and there i stand with my eyes squeezed shut and my arms crossed in defiance as the good in life dances all around me. what a schmuck!
ya know, it really is that easy. it is a choice. happiness or sadness, appreciation or taking things for granted, love or hate, taking responsibility for our actions or blaming others...all these are choices that we make everyday. whose fault is it that i am broke 2 minutes after getting paid? i can waste a bunch of time trying to find someone to blame, or i can take a look at myself and very quickly acknowledge that I AM responsible for my poor money management. yeah, its gonna be rough the next couple weeks and it's gonna be slim pickins at the craig house, but i most certainly am not going to starve to death. i could stand to lose a few more pounds anyway! i realized that i have been choosing to be sad, i have very stubbornly been refusing to see the good things i have, i have deliberately been making mountains out of the mole hills in my life. i have WANTED to see myself as broke and less fortunate and i have bathed in the green light of jealousy, allowing it to swallow me whole. It's been a conscious choice.
Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it's a friggin pain in the ass. i am not a self-help guru and i'm not going to tell everyone it's sooo easy to see things differently. i can just speak for myself. it's very easy for me to see things differently. most of the time life is pretty incredible! most of the time it's an amazing ride with so many incredible sites to see and things to experience. sure, i am lacking in money, but my life is full of so much abundance in lots of other areas. at any moment i can choose to see my abundance and say Thank You Life for what you have given me. alright, dammit! i guess i will! sheesh, a person can't even be negative anymore without that annoying positive voice whispering that it's gonna be alright. Fine, whatever, it's gonna be alright! i hope you're happy now!
lol ;-)
i have read so many self-help books on How to Be Happy! and they all say CHOOSE to be HAPPY! i completely understand that and i have even tried to explain it to others. there have been many times when i have purposefully chosen to be happy instead of fall into the trap of being a debbie-downer. its fucking hard! it is a very difficult thing to do. sometimes when life is hard and the world is closing in on me, it is sooooo much easier to just say Screw You Happiness, you ain't takin me this time! i CHOOSE to feel sorry for myself and you ain't gonna make me see the good things in my life! Nope, ain't gonna do it! and there i stand with my eyes squeezed shut and my arms crossed in defiance as the good in life dances all around me. what a schmuck!
ya know, it really is that easy. it is a choice. happiness or sadness, appreciation or taking things for granted, love or hate, taking responsibility for our actions or blaming others...all these are choices that we make everyday. whose fault is it that i am broke 2 minutes after getting paid? i can waste a bunch of time trying to find someone to blame, or i can take a look at myself and very quickly acknowledge that I AM responsible for my poor money management. yeah, its gonna be rough the next couple weeks and it's gonna be slim pickins at the craig house, but i most certainly am not going to starve to death. i could stand to lose a few more pounds anyway! i realized that i have been choosing to be sad, i have very stubbornly been refusing to see the good things i have, i have deliberately been making mountains out of the mole hills in my life. i have WANTED to see myself as broke and less fortunate and i have bathed in the green light of jealousy, allowing it to swallow me whole. It's been a conscious choice.
Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it's a friggin pain in the ass. i am not a self-help guru and i'm not going to tell everyone it's sooo easy to see things differently. i can just speak for myself. it's very easy for me to see things differently. most of the time life is pretty incredible! most of the time it's an amazing ride with so many incredible sites to see and things to experience. sure, i am lacking in money, but my life is full of so much abundance in lots of other areas. at any moment i can choose to see my abundance and say Thank You Life for what you have given me. alright, dammit! i guess i will! sheesh, a person can't even be negative anymore without that annoying positive voice whispering that it's gonna be alright. Fine, whatever, it's gonna be alright! i hope you're happy now!
lol ;-)
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