i woke up feeling quite sorry for myself. it's payday and instead of being happy that i have a job that pays me a decent wage, i was sad because after paying my bills and setting aside money for gas i have basically nothing left. all i could think of was having no money for the next two weeks and how sick and tired i am of living paycheck to paycheck, and feeling jealous of those who don't have to worry about money week after week, and wondering what it would feel like to be those people. i do realize that there are much less fortunate people than I am and I am very lucky to have a good job and a nice apartment and a car that runs and most months I am able to pay my bills on time, blah blah blah. i do know that i should be thankful instead of feeling sorry for myself. i know this. as i sat at my desk at work pondering why i am concentrating so hard on what i don't have instead of the things i DO have, a light bulb went off over my head: i WANT to be sad right now. I don't feel like feeling thankful. I feel like feeling sorry for myself!
i have read so many self-help books on How to Be Happy! and they all say CHOOSE to be HAPPY! i completely understand that and i have even tried to explain it to others. there have been many times when i have purposefully chosen to be happy instead of fall into the trap of being a debbie-downer. its fucking hard! it is a very difficult thing to do. sometimes when life is hard and the world is closing in on me, it is sooooo much easier to just say Screw You Happiness, you ain't takin me this time! i CHOOSE to feel sorry for myself and you ain't gonna make me see the good things in my life! Nope, ain't gonna do it! and there i stand with my eyes squeezed shut and my arms crossed in defiance as the good in life dances all around me. what a schmuck!
ya know, it really is that easy. it is a choice. happiness or sadness, appreciation or taking things for granted, love or hate, taking responsibility for our actions or blaming others...all these are choices that we make everyday. whose fault is it that i am broke 2 minutes after getting paid? i can waste a bunch of time trying to find someone to blame, or i can take a look at myself and very quickly acknowledge that I AM responsible for my poor money management. yeah, its gonna be rough the next couple weeks and it's gonna be slim pickins at the craig house, but i most certainly am not going to starve to death. i could stand to lose a few more pounds anyway! i realized that i have been choosing to be sad, i have very stubbornly been refusing to see the good things i have, i have deliberately been making mountains out of the mole hills in my life. i have WANTED to see myself as broke and less fortunate and i have bathed in the green light of jealousy, allowing it to swallow me whole. It's been a conscious choice.
Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it's a friggin pain in the ass. i am not a self-help guru and i'm not going to tell everyone it's sooo easy to see things differently. i can just speak for myself. it's very easy for me to see things differently. most of the time life is pretty incredible! most of the time it's an amazing ride with so many incredible sites to see and things to experience. sure, i am lacking in money, but my life is full of so much abundance in lots of other areas. at any moment i can choose to see my abundance and say Thank You Life for what you have given me. alright, dammit! i guess i will! sheesh, a person can't even be negative anymore without that annoying positive voice whispering that it's gonna be alright. Fine, whatever, it's gonna be alright! i hope you're happy now!
lol ;-)
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