i don't "hate" christmas, but...

It's not that I hate Christmas...i know i say "i hate christmas" alot, but what i should be saying is "I do not like the commercialism that has taken over, the pressure to spend money i don't have and the guilt that comes because I can't afford to buy everyone a gift. Oh, and I don't believe in the story behind the birth of Jesus anyway so why am i forced into celebrating it?"

When i was a kid my mom and dad made a huge deal out of Christmas. there were always a ton of gifts under the tree and we always had a big breakfast before going to mass. The house was decorated and there would be holiday songs playing all Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It was wonderful! I have alot of great childhood Christmas memories.

How did that turn into me wanting to find a cave and hybernate from the day after Thanksgiving until December 26th? Well, i think it started when mom died. I tried to keep her traditions going but i have never been able to match her level of holiday spirit and cheer. Then there was the first year of many when i was broke...as in zero dollars. there have been many years when I couldn't buy my children anything; if it weren't for family giving them gifts they would have had nothing. I have had a couple Christmas' when i actually had money (or credit cards) and was able to buy presents, but those Christmas' have been few.

Commercialism and money problems aside, i just don't believe in Jesus. i was raised Catholic but as i matured and started to have thoughts of my own i realized that while i agree that Jesus Christ was probably a real person who had a lot of great lessons to teach us, i just do not believe anything else that was taught to me in the various religion classes i endured as a child, including the story of his birth. i feel like i am a minority during the "holiday" season. i know i can't possibly be, there has to be alot of people out there who aren't catholic or christian or any other belief that involves celebrating the immaculate conception and virginal birth of "the only son of god", but it doesn't feel like it. i feel like an outcast...normally that doesn't bother me at all, i have no desire to be normal. but for some reason, from the day after thanksgiving until December 26th, i feel like i am being punished for having thoughts of my own, that because i don't conform i deserve to be stoned in the town square. i know that sounds ridiculous, but that is how this time of year makes me feel. When i hear the song "It's the most wonderful time of the year" i think to myself, why do people reserve their desire to be nice and giving and kind to the last month of the year? we should be like that all year long! I'm not a complete scrooge, i do love participating in things like Toys for Tots and other charities that help the less fortunate. I donate non-perishable foods to food banks, I give money to the Salvation Army bell ringer. i absolutely love the gathering of family and friends; the talking and eating and singing and playing games, the togetherness. maybe that's why i like Thanksgiving so much; its everything Christmas is minus the pressure and the commercialism and the religion.

So when i grumble under my breath "i hate christmas", i don't really mean it. i'm happy for you if you love it. i'm glad you spend so much of your time decorating and shopping and wrapping and cooking and singing. go for it! just do me a huge favor and leave me out of it. i'll try not to spoil your holiday spirit as long as you don't try to make me have holiday spirit.

dreams

i had a dream last night. i've had this dream many times before. i really wish i could stop having it, because while i am sleeping it feels amazing, but it becomes a nightmare when i open my eyes.

it was late at night. we had met up the way we had been doing for so many years, secretly under the cover of darkness. we sat in his car looking at each other, the lights from the instument panel illuminated his eyes making them sparkle. his smile was unmistakable, it was the smile he reserved for me...my smile. we had been sharing with each other how much we loved the other, how much we missed being together, how torturous our seperation was. my gaze moved away from his face to stare out the windshield into the darkness. quiet music came from the car speakers, taking my mind to sweet memories of incredible days we had spent together window shopping, holding hands, pretending we were a "normal" couple. i felt his hand gently touch my chin and turn my face back to his. it was then, as our eyes met and our souls became one again, that he told me he was leaving her for me. in my dream, he said, "i told her i love you. i told her that it's always been you." he took my hand in his and said, "you are worth the struggle i will have to go through. i will do whatever it takes so that we can start our life together. i want to spend the rest of my life with you, i don't want to waste another minute away from you." he smiled at me and continued "i know it's going to be hard for everyone; you, me, my kids...i know that your family and friends may not understand your decision to be with me and they will try to talk you out of it...but i know that together we will be able to survive this. i know you will do whatever you can to make it as easy as possible for me and the kids and i will do the same for you. i will put aside my pride and make myself available to your family and friends. i will do this for you." he softly kissed the tear that was sliding down my cheek, then kissed my lips in the most incredible kiss i had ever experienced. it was a soft, gentle kiss that was so filled with love i thought i might burst from its power...

stupid dreams

time heals all wounds

I am trying so hard to survive this. A lot of people don't understand, they think I should be able to tell him to f-off and skip happily away like the last 7 1/2 years didn't happen at all. he may not have chosen a life with me but i can't hate him for his choice. he did what he thought was best for him and his children. i wish i could hate him, it would make all of this so much easier. if i was angry and bitter and wished him a slow, agonizing death i may feel better now, but those feelings are not good for anyone. the fact is, right now i love him. i am so deeply in love with him. i only want the best for him, even if the best isn't me. i want him to be happy, even if i am not meant to be the source of that happiness. i pray that he is able to unf#&k his life, like he so eloquently said to me. i hope that he is OK. i don't want him to hurt. i hope to god he isn't feeling the level of pain i feel, but somehow i know he is. despite most people thinking he never really loved me (thanks for giving me that particular opinion by the way, its been very helpful--not), i will die knowing that he loved me more then any other man has ever loved me. no, we didn't have a "typical" relationship; yes he was unable to give me the type of commitment i wanted and we spent more time apart then together...but that doesn't mean we didn't love each other. he showed me he loved me all the time. he always tried to make me laugh when he knew i was feeling down, he brought me fiber...long story!...he worked out with me, he listened to my crazy opinions on the universe and never judged me, he bought me birthday presents and Christmas presents and he remembered our "anniversary" when i didn't, just to name a few small examples. people who don't understand can only see the times he couldn't be there for me. i admit, it would be easier to concentrate on those times because with those times comes anger and bitterness. but even those times i can now look back on and see them with understanding, i can let go of the anger and bitterness i felt at the time. i forgive him for the times he couldn't be there for me, because he loved me.

this is how i know i love him still...i don't hate him; i have tried and it just feels unnatural and awful. i don't wish him a lonely life; i wish him a life filled with love and happiness. i have made a choice to leave a relationship that situationally was not good for either one of us or anyone else involved, but not because it wasn't a loving, honest, beautiful relationship; a friendship. i was very sad when i couldn't be with him and it was getting harder and harder for me to be understanding about the time we spent apart. it hurts enormously that he didn't choose to be with me, and sometimes i think it would have been much easier, or less painful, to just stay with him. the pain of not having him in my life is infinitely worse then the pain of having him in my life but not being able to see him whenever i wanted to. but the times i remember the most are not the times i wanted to see him but couldn't, what i remember the most are the times we were together and laughing our asses off, or singing dumb songs or having hours-long conversations about absolutely nothing. those times make me smile. they make me cry because i miss them and the thought of never having times like that with him again kills me, but i still smile. someday, when the raw pain has shifted to a dull ache, i will be able to smile and laugh again. until then i need to cry, i need to go through this pain. if i don't allow myself to feel it, i will never be able to heal.

here are some quotes that help me. it helps me knowing that other people know how i am feeling right now...as far back as you can go there has been someone with a broken heart. i am not alone.

This, too, shall pass.--i think this is from the bible, old testament.

We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it in full. -- Marcel Proust

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.-- Lewis B. Smedes

I actually think sadness and darkness can be very beautiful and healing. Duncan Sheik

Life is an adventure in forgiveness. Norman Cousins

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Lao Tzu

Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there? Richard Bach

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. Judy Garland

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I. Michel de Montaigne

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. Mother Teresa

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. H. L. Mencken

Love that is not madness is not love. Pedro Calderon de la Barca

I always knew I would look back on my tears and laugh; but I never knew I would look back at my laughter and cry. --i wish i knew who said this because i know exactly what he or she is talking about.