i don't "hate" christmas, but...

It's not that I hate Christmas...i know i say "i hate christmas" alot, but what i should be saying is "I do not like the commercialism that has taken over, the pressure to spend money i don't have and the guilt that comes because I can't afford to buy everyone a gift. Oh, and I don't believe in the story behind the birth of Jesus anyway so why am i forced into celebrating it?"

When i was a kid my mom and dad made a huge deal out of Christmas. there were always a ton of gifts under the tree and we always had a big breakfast before going to mass. The house was decorated and there would be holiday songs playing all Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It was wonderful! I have alot of great childhood Christmas memories.

How did that turn into me wanting to find a cave and hybernate from the day after Thanksgiving until December 26th? Well, i think it started when mom died. I tried to keep her traditions going but i have never been able to match her level of holiday spirit and cheer. Then there was the first year of many when i was broke...as in zero dollars. there have been many years when I couldn't buy my children anything; if it weren't for family giving them gifts they would have had nothing. I have had a couple Christmas' when i actually had money (or credit cards) and was able to buy presents, but those Christmas' have been few.

Commercialism and money problems aside, i just don't believe in Jesus. i was raised Catholic but as i matured and started to have thoughts of my own i realized that while i agree that Jesus Christ was probably a real person who had a lot of great lessons to teach us, i just do not believe anything else that was taught to me in the various religion classes i endured as a child, including the story of his birth. i feel like i am a minority during the "holiday" season. i know i can't possibly be, there has to be alot of people out there who aren't catholic or christian or any other belief that involves celebrating the immaculate conception and virginal birth of "the only son of god", but it doesn't feel like it. i feel like an outcast...normally that doesn't bother me at all, i have no desire to be normal. but for some reason, from the day after thanksgiving until December 26th, i feel like i am being punished for having thoughts of my own, that because i don't conform i deserve to be stoned in the town square. i know that sounds ridiculous, but that is how this time of year makes me feel. When i hear the song "It's the most wonderful time of the year" i think to myself, why do people reserve their desire to be nice and giving and kind to the last month of the year? we should be like that all year long! I'm not a complete scrooge, i do love participating in things like Toys for Tots and other charities that help the less fortunate. I donate non-perishable foods to food banks, I give money to the Salvation Army bell ringer. i absolutely love the gathering of family and friends; the talking and eating and singing and playing games, the togetherness. maybe that's why i like Thanksgiving so much; its everything Christmas is minus the pressure and the commercialism and the religion.

So when i grumble under my breath "i hate christmas", i don't really mean it. i'm happy for you if you love it. i'm glad you spend so much of your time decorating and shopping and wrapping and cooking and singing. go for it! just do me a huge favor and leave me out of it. i'll try not to spoil your holiday spirit as long as you don't try to make me have holiday spirit.