still no answer

Dear God, Dear Universe, Dear Great Spirit, Dear whomever it may concern,

please let this be over. one way or the other. please show her what is going on in a way that cannot be refutted. give her concrete proof that cannot be talked out of or be able to be explained away. please let her know what is taking place behind her back and in front of her face.

i don't have the strength to do what everyone has been telling me i need to do. everyone tells me what is best for me, tells me that i deserve better, tells me that i need to move on with my life. i can't. i want what i want. i know in my heart that its never going to happen. it feels so much like the powers that be do not care what i want, that the energies of the universe are not listening to me. thats why i am pleading with you. please, let her know. if she knows she can decide what to do. she will either leave him or she will stay but make it impossible for us. if she stays when she knows fully and without doubt what is going on, i will be able to leave. i dont know what else to ask for. i dont want to find someone else. i dont want to move on with my life, to get over him, to find happiness with another person. i am not going to ask for that. i just want her gone.

i know i am not supposed to ask for things like this and that you have no control over how she will react if and when she has concrete proof that he is having an affair. i know i am not supposed to wish for things to happen to other people so that my wishes can come true. i am so sorry! i am trying so hard to not do that! i dont want to hate her, but i do!!!!!!! i hate everything she represents, every fake moment she has in her made up little world. i hate that she represents herself to the world as the perfect little christian wife, wife of a marine, etc & so forth. she is a liar!

i'm sorry. please forgive me for my thoughts and my wishes. i do not want to hurt anyone, even her. i just need it to be over.

thank you. i know that you are listening to me, even if you have no plan to actually grant my wishes. i do truly appreciate everything that you have given me in my life. please don't think that i am not. i am very thankful for every moment i have, even the tough ones. i don't take things for granted because i know everything is a gift, even the times when i am so filled with anger and hate and the times when i want so much to walk right up to her and tell her what has been going on for the last 7 years. i know that when i feel like that it is an opportunity for me to be the better person. i am trying. i promise you, i am trying.

i do not like that i have given so much of my power to her, and to him. i do not like that i am so dependent on this relationship. i fear that i have lost myself, this time forever. please, someone please listen to me! tell her what is going on! show her! prove to her! please.

horoscope accuracy

"Try not to think too much about what is "supposed" to happen next, Sagittarius. The truth of the matter is that things don't necessarily work out the way they're planned, so don't count on something that has no guarantee of coming to fruition. Stick to your own way of doing things and try not to get too hung up on the results. The key now is to enjoy the process."

Someone read my journal & is just trying to cheer me up, thats all this is. That's the only explanation I have for the accuracy of this horoscope.

I understand the concept of not getting hung up on the results, and just enjoying the process. Putting that concept into practice is much more difficult. Another phrase that has come into my mind lately is "Watch out, you just might get what you're wishing for." I know why that keeps repeating itself in my mind over and over again. Do I really want what I'm wishing for to actually happen? Well, the way I see it, it's never going to happen so I have nothing to worry about. The Universe doesn't seem to care what I want, in this area of my life anyway. I guess what I should take away from this horoscope is I need to stop obsessing about something that I know is never going to happen, especially if I have no intention of doing anything about it myself. Yeah, good luck with that.

what makes me happy

Hearing my kids laugh as they play video games together.
Watching the deer in my neighborhood.
Watching a storm come in, the clouds swirling and changing color, the lightening flashing, hearing the thunder and counting to see how far away it is.
The sound of waves crashing, the feel of the mist as the water hits the rocks.
The feel of his hand on the small of my back, his breath on my neck.
Funniest Home Videos and Wipeout!
Finishing an hour long workout on the elliptical, the sweat pouring from my brow.
Doing laundry in my own washer and dryer.
The warmth of the sun on my skin on a cold March day.
Paying my bills and seeing that I still have a balance in my check book.
Changing my own tire.
Posting something on FB that makes people laugh.
Listening to my brothers tell stories from way back when.
Going home early.
Camp fires.
Hitting all the green lights.
Watching a movie that makes me laugh until I cry.
Having a conversation consisting entirely of movie quotes.
A good hair day.
Shaving my legs and NOT knicking myself.
Running into an old friend that I actually want to see.
Watching my kids doing something they are passionate about.
Sitting quietly as the world moves all around me.

debbie downer

i wish i could put my finger on the one thing that is bothering me so much lately. unfortunately, i think there is alot more then just one thing bothering me. regardless of what those things are, what i am struggling with right now is why am i letting these things bother me?



life is full of a multitude of people, objects, ideas, happenings, occassions, etc that at times can move through our lives without even a second glance from us, then at other times get under our skin like a splinter that we just can't reach, no matter how deep we dig. that's what i'm doing now, digging and digging and digging, trying to reach the friggin splinter that is pissing me off, irritating me, bugging me...but no matter how deep i stick that needle i am not going to get to it, or i'll just push the splinter deeper and deeper.



so, what the heck is so terrible about the splinter(s) that i can't let it go and just let it come to the surface by itself? nothing really. same old stuff, different year.

money: here it is, a couple days after pay day and i have less then a hundred bucks to my name to last the next two weeks. whose fault is that? mine. i have very little savings. money goes in one pocket and out the other. a simple solution to my monthly problem is putting money into a savings account, which i am now doing, but $25 a month isn't going to build up very quickly nor will it last very long if i ever had to dig into it...it's a pretty small bucket right now. looking at the positive side: my rent is paid, my monthly bills are paid, and i DO have a tiny bit in savings, that's a start. also, i'm pretty darn good at living on nothing! no reason this splinter should be getting to me, it barely exists.

my love life: jesus christ, now that's a joke. pure and simple, i'm an idiot. i continue year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day to be in a relationship that is a long lonely walk around an empty lake with no end in sight. i have no one to blame. i can't blame him. i have only myself to point a finger at and say, you are lonely because you choose to be lonely. i hold onto my loneliness like it's a security blanket. it covers me and protects me from the world, it keeps me warm, its familiar and soft, comforting. if i were to let go of my security blanket, my loneliness, i would be unprotected, i would be vulnerable and open to the chance of rejection. to be honest, the thought of putting myself out there, making myself available to new people, having to go through the dance of getting to know someone...that makes me want to puke. i don't want to get to know anyone new. i don't care how many kids you have, what you like to do, what your favorite color is, if you chew with your mouth open or if you snore, if you're a dog person or a cat person (ok, THAT i care about...gotta be dog all the way!). so, i grip tighter and tighter to my blanket, i wrap it around me closer and closer, i hide my face in it, and i wallow in my loneliness. no point in digging at this splinter anymore because its obvious even to me that i enjoy the pain.

maybe i'm just bored. i have never really had roots. i've likened myself to more of a tumbleweed, a rambling rose, a rolling stone. i like my job and i've been there longer then i've ever been at any other position, ever. i love where i live, i really have no desire to move again. still that need to roam is growing stronger and stronger. i've been to california twice this year, so i don't think a vacation will help. i really don't know what will help me clear my mind right now. besides, boredom is more of an itch that you can't scratch then a splinter, but it has the same annoying qualities.

so here i am: broke, lonely by choice, and bored out of my goard. i know life has its cycles, its ups and downs, its parties and its quiet times. this time of splinters will pass and i will find my way again. until then....wah wah wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

bad dream

February 27, 1991 seems like a very long time ago most days. They say time heals all wounds. Generally speaking, I would have to agree with that, and I guess I am an example of that as I have been able to move on with my life, I have made my peace with the event that changed my life and I have forgiven myself for the opportunities that were missed that may have made that day more bearable in the years that came after.
But every now and then that day makes an appearance. Normally when I dream of her, she is sitting quietly in the background, watching what's going on, listening to what's being said. She comes to visit, to check on things, to let me know that she will always be with me, that she didn't leave so many years ago. She very rarely speaks other then with a small smile or a nod, perhaps a hand on my shoulder as she passes by. I treasure these times as they bring me comfort and a sense of closeness that I miss.
The other night, that was a different story. I could feel it coming like a freight train; you can feel them in your soul sometimes, long before you hear the deep whistle, the rumble of the engine and the squeal of the wheels on the tracks. I could sense her dying before my dad ever said the words, "We've been through this before." I felt my legs go out from under me and heard my desperate wail as I tried to wake myself up. no no no no no no no...I could NOT be going through it again! I watched as she collapsed into my dads arms in the kitchen that she spent so much of her life in and I cried out again. It took me several minutes to realized that I was lying in my bed in my still-dark bedroom and I wasn't watching my mom die. The scream that I didn't scream so many years ago was still in my throat. The scene replayed itself in my head over and over: she was in the kitchen in her funny little apron, along with Kyle, Taylor, myself and my dad as she was cooking dinner for us. Taylor had just shown her a picture she drew and squeezed her with her tiny little arms and said "I love you grandma." I knew it was a dream because none of that ever happened. But knowing that something is a dream, and shaking the feeling that the dream brings are two different things. This dream wasn't the quiet visit, the pleasant understanding that she is still with me, standing by me, watching over me. This was a bad dream. It was just a bad dream and I'm awake now. I'm awake. I'm supposed to feel better, right?

USMC Toys for Tots toy drive

Today was a beautiful day! I spent the day with the Pikes Peak Young Marines and a whole lotta bikers! We were a part of the United States Marine Corps' Toys for Tots toy drive. What a wonderful experience! Seeing all those folks on their wicked cool motorcycles, with toys and stuffed animals, dressed like Santa Claus, or in their vests with a thousand different buttons and badges, it helped me to see the kindness and generosity that exists in this world. Everyday in the news we hear about another burglary or personal crime against each other. It can be very discouraging and it makes me wonder if there is any good left. Today, there was an abundance of good! So many of those men and women on their 2-wheeled steeds had been to war and could have come back hateful and angry, yet they were laughing and joyous in their mission to collect toys for less fortunate children. They were cooperative and organized, they were polite and friendly, and they were respectful of each other and their shared goal. It was an incredible thing to see and I was honored to be a part of it.
Today was a good day!

i thought i was done, but i guess not

I had a long discussion with my best friend last night about the different reactions we as humans have to others. I was telling him in a very excited and flabbergasted voice about the ridiculous thoughts of a man who was trying to tell women to not wear make up or high heeled shoes because they were unnatural and imposed upon us by man & satan as revenge, revenge for what im not quite sure, and that this person is getting a book deal to publish just about the worst example of writing i have ever seen. My friend asked me why i was so angry over what this quite obviously mentally ill person said about a subject he has no right to talk about, as he is not a woman but a man. He said, you should laugh at him! You should be thankful that there exists such a person, he adds flavor to life with his bizarre and irrational views. He said, you should shake his hand and say "Hey, thanks man for showing us your ass like that! that was great!" I had to admit he had a point. This man, who proclaims himself an expert in being a woman based on the fact that he was raised by his mother, is a nut job. We laughed and joked about how perhaps he is a woman, maybe his dick is actually an enlarged clitoris or his vagina prolapsed. We had a good time at his expense, but i still cannot bring myself to find any humor in the things he wrote. I can only pray that a sensible publisher will read his "book" very carefully and realize, no one in their right mind will ever read this nonsense and i won't get rich off of him, so we are not going to publish him. But hey, if there is no sense in the world, which we see everyday that there really isn't, he will get published and people will read his distorted rantings and decide for themselves. Such is the way of the world.