life is suffering

People think Buddhism is negative because it says "Life is suffering". I have only read a little about Buddhism but I have learned that Buddhists study something called The Four Noble Truths. It's pretty simple actually, and it makes alot of sense. They do believe that life is suffering, but there is so much more to it. The truths are:

1) There is suffering
2) There is a cause or origin of suffering
3) There is an end of suffering
4) There is a path out of suffering

We all know that life is hard and full of pain. We have all suffered. I am hurting from a broken heart, hurting in a way that I never thought imaginable. I gave away my Bronco's ticket yesterday because I knew that I wouldn't be able to fake my way through the game, the crowds, the traffic, etc. I stayed home and wallowed in my tears and questioned why life is so incredibly unfair: why hasn't any man wanted to love me the way I have loved them, why am I alone, questioning my faith in the universe and my faith in myself...I literally cried all day. I made plans in my head for who will take care of my daughter when I died from my broken heart. Suffering is sickness & physical pain, it is getting pissed off because someone took the closer parking spot or your dog chewed up your favorite shoes. Suffering is a movie ending in a ridiculous way, or your team not winning. It is disappointment and unfulfilled dreams. The Buddhists have it right when they say life is suffering. If that is where your knowledge of Buddhism stops, then the perception that Buddhists are negative is pretty accurate. But when you look further into it, they aren't negative at all. I am finding that the Buddhist "path" is pretty wonderful.


I am by no means an expert in Buddhism. I know very little about it. What I like about it so far is the idea of taking the personal out of things. For instance, notice I said right now I am suffering from a broken heart. The idea of saying I am makes it very personal to me, it is MY pain. When I do that, I think that no one has ever felt the kind of pain I am feeling right now, no one could possibly understand what I am going through, I am all alone in my heartache and sense of betrayal. If I would simply change the way I look at it by saying "There is this suffering, this pain", it takes the personal out of it and it makes the pain alot easier to handle. I admit it, I am not ready to say that; I am pretty attached to my pain right now, it feels a bit like a security blanket. But even as I type "There is this suffering" I can feel my pain level dropping a little bit. Instead of being a 10 out of 10, it's maybe an 8.

Whats my point? I'm not sure. I think that when I am ready to let go of the pain I am feeling from my disappointment and unanswered prayers, I will look to the East and say, "There is this pain" and see my situation from a different perspective. Maybe someday I will be able to see that just because the only man who wanted to be with me instead of some other girl turned out to be an abusive piece of crap and treated his dog better then he treated me, that doesn't mean I am not worthy of committment and love. Maybe I will understand that I have dodged a lot of bullets & should be thankful that most of the men I gave my heart to chose another person rather then me (there are 2 men, including the current source of my pain, that I will never see as a "dodged bullet", i will always see them as a lost chance at real love). If I can learn to change my thinking to see my heartache for what it is: a temporary situation that, like everything else, will change and fade and become a distant memory, I know I will be ok. Until then, the suffering is mine.

There is so much more to Buddhism that I am looking forward to learning. I know it can help me understand that my tears will not flow forever, that someday I will want to try again rather then thinking I would prefer to be alone the rest of my life, and I am not going to die from a broken heart. I'm not going to walk away from my possessions, treck across the Himalayas, don an orange robe, shave my head and spend hours meditating while breathing in incense and listening to gongs and chanting. But if doing a little more research and learning more about Buddhism and their Four Noble Truths can help me feel better, it will be worth it. I'll let ya know where my path takes me.

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"If only I could throw away the urge to trace my patterns in your heart, I could really see you." David Brandon (Zen in the Art of Helping)

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."
Buddhist saying

I found this on http://viewonbuddhism.org/
"One afternoon, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a cafe, drinking tea and talking about life and love.
His friend asked: 'How come you never married?'
'Well,' said Nasruddin, 'to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no common interests. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then one day, I met her; beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had very much in common. In fact, she was perfect!'
'So, what happened?' asked Nasruddin's friend, 'Why didn't you marry her?'
Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. 'Well,' he replied, 'it's really the sad story of my life.... It seemed that she was looking for the perfect man...' "

;)

poems

These are poems that i wrote for ... over the past 7 1/2 years. I kept them between him and me, I didn't want anyone else to read them because they were filled with my deepest feelings for him. I read them now and I find them preposterous, overblown and junk. but ya know, that could just be me being angry that i invested so much of my time, emotions & life to this person that didn't feel the need to do the same for me. I think putting them into my blog is helping me let go of them, let go of him. This is the symbolic burning of them! light one for me from the flame!

You Let Me

Happiness I feel
it is light & fluffy.
Fat free, yet delicious & sweet
Love is inside me, all around me
You aren't mine for the taking, I am yours for the giving.
Your gift if your curse.
Your curse is my blessing.
Now that you have found me, I have found myself.
My heart that once was in pieces,
left to scatter in the wind
Is whole again, full again.
What if you leave me?
I will cry. It will feel like death.
What if I leave you?
I have said never before. I can't say never again.
I will cry. It will feel like death.
Then I will live again.
What if you stay with me?
I will cry.l It will feel like life.
You love me. YOU love ME.
wow
My laughter resounds through your day
Like a breeze through a willows branches.
Beautiful, fresh, free and pure.
Maybe I should buy a boat!
You asked me why I love you.
My response never changes:
You let me love you.
You let me love me.
You see my passion
You see my desire
You see my perversion
And you don't turn away. Don't turn away.
Stay with me.
Love me.
Love me





A RIDE IN THE COUNTRY

Two people alone in a car
The moon illuminates the barren hills
Far from town they have come to find love, passion, serenity, peace.
They talk for a while
Listen to romantic music
Gaze into each others eyes
Their love is strong and pure.
He has known love worldwide.
She feels it fully for the first time.
He makes her smile.
Her laughter is contagious.
He looks at her and sees her beauty
She looks at him and sees his love.
In this desolate setting, occupied by tumbleweeds and grazing cows
They come to be alone
He touches her hand
The electricity roars through her.
He leans over to her and slowly, gently
Presses his lips to hers.
The fire he ignites in her is a burning unmatched
He needs no fuel
It ignites her like a lightening strike.
They kiss and touch like horny teenagers
Experience is the difference.
Each touch lingers
Each kiss, meaningful and deep.
They come to this spot to join, to come together
This they do.
In an embrace like no other
Their bodies are one
Their souls touch
The energy released
Could light an entire city
If it could be harnesses
But love like this is free
Untethered
Uncontrollable
Alive
Amazing
He wipes the tears from her eyes
She smiles
A smile as bright at the moon
Lighting their way home.



YOU'RE STILL HERE

How come you are still here?
I'm crazy, don't you know that?
I'm possessive, jealous, demanding...
When my pants don't fit, you take the punch.
When I turn into Dr. Jekyll & Ms. Hyde
month after month
You let me rant and rave
You sit patiently beside me and listen
As i blame it all on you!
Then you smile as the storm clouds pass
And my sun shines again
What makes you so different?
Why do you still see me now?
Why aren't you going to wait until I'm gone,
Seeing too late what a gift you had
Only to let it go.
You have taken the wrapping of the gift that so many have put aside.
And you are still here.
I am overwhelmed by you.
Oh I am trying my damndest
to scare you away
Thank you for not being easily spooked.
You have turned my contrived world of self-inflicted horrors
Into a fun house!
You have this way of exorcising my demons
Demons whose only goals are
To destroy any happiness I find.
I have found such exquisite happiness with you
We're talking over the rainbow kinda happiness!
I laugh until I cry
I cry until I laugh
And you let me
How come you are still here?
Because you love me
All of me
My demons don't scare you
You have seen enough of your own to know
Mine are a part of me.
Not ALL of me.
I know you love me
The magnitude of your love for me
frightens me
I try to deny it
I tell myself, and you
That your love for others was stronger than what you feel for me.
Sometimes fear can overpower love.
Sometimes confusion
overpowers one's true feelings
I know you love me.
You must love me.
You're still here.



HOLIDAY

You must have been on holiday.
I called and texted, your phone was off.
It must be wonderful to be able to shut off the world like that.
For me
Time spent with you is my holiday.
I don't have to stretch my wings like an eagle
and drift on the current
So high in the sky, so free and beautiful...
I have felt this with you.
I don't have to cross the ocean alone in a canoe
fighting the most severe of storms
Blessing the softest of breezes...
I have felt this with you.
I don't have to fall down the darkest shaft of a well
falling through the darkness, waiting for the depths to arrive
Watching the circle of light grow smaller and smaller....
I have felt this with you.
Roller coaster rides, walks in the park
Scaling the highest mountain, trekking the deepest ravine
Perfect holidays in someone's eyes, it all sounds fun.
But I have felt my heart in my throat
I have heard the songs of the birds
and breathed in the sweet nectar of spring flowers in the park
I have been to the top of Mt Everest
and looked at the glory of the world around me.
I have felt the coolness of the Colorado river on my toes.
All of this I have felt while sitting beside you on the couch.
You are my holiday.
The touch of your skin, the scent of your cologne, the sound of your voice
You are my holiday.
I have experienced a lifetime of emotions during a moment with you.
I know what it feels like to be a supermodel on the runways in Paris
I don't have to go to Jupiter to feel weightless
I have eaten an entire box of imported chocolate & not gained an ounce
All with you.
You are my holiday.
Enjoy your holiday
Turn off your phone
Turn off the world
I will be here
Waiting for my next holiday with you.



WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

Someone asked me once
What does it feel like, being madly in love?
It feels like I have a purpose
It feels like I have a true reason for being.
Giving my love to you makes me whole.
Giving my love to you brings me peace.
Giving my love to you
is what I am meant to do.
I don't need a sacred vow
to know you love me.
I don't need a shiny band of gold
to make you mine.
You don't have to swear to love me forever
You love me now.
You don't have to commit to only me
You are too amazing to keep to myself.
In this moment I will never not love you.
In this moment I will never fall out of love with you.
In this moment I will cry when I miss you
I will dream of falling asleep next to you
I will imagine waking up with you by my side.
In this moment I will smile when I think of you.
What does it feel like,
being madly in love with you?
It is every feeling!
Being in love with you is what I'm meant to do.




I NEED YOU

You hold a piece of my soul in your hand.
The pain of loving you pales beside the river of torment brought about
by the tiniest teardrop of an idea of losing you.
The confusion is strong
The pain is real
I don't know what to do
Please tell me what to do
I am alive when I'm near you!
If you were to ask me what I wanted I couldn't answer you.
I don't know!
I don't have to want your friendship...
I have it.
I don't have to want your kindness...
I have it.
I don't have to want your compassion...
I have it.
I don't have to want your tenderness, your intimacy, your love...
I have it all.
You hold a piece of my heart in your hand.
The pain of loving you diminishes in the shadow of the darkest mountain of fear
thrust upward in the earthquake stirred by the thought of not having you in my life.
I don't know what to do
Can you tell me what to do?
If you were to ask me what I needed,
I'd answer, I need you.




DARKNESS

The darkness engulfs me
I lay down in the cold, empty bed
My heart shatters in countless pieces
You are not here with me.
You say "I am always with you, My heart and my soul are yours."
The light of day makes this feel so real.
The night is another world.
I am human and I ache for your touch
My five senses scream out in the darkness!
Your touch, taste, scent...
the sound of your voice, the way you look at me...
They haunt me in the darkness.
As I try to sleep without you
I close my eyes, I feel your breath, I hear your whispers
I reach out for you, opening my eyes to the dark reality
YOU ARE NOT HERE!
My tears soak my pillow, my cries break the silence.
Your heart and your soul comfort me,
But it is your BODY that I crave in the darkness.
As the morning sun slowly creeps in, waking me from the restless lonely night,
It chases away the darkness.
Until tonight, another night without your here.




IT LEADS TO YOU

Follow my heart
It leads to you
Follow my mind
my heart bleeds
Following my heart helps me soar past the clouds & stars
Into other worlds so unlike our own
Worlds where love rules
Places where energy dances with joy & exuberance
It is right to be in love
It's natural to follow your heart!
Following my heart has kept me alive!
Follow my mind,
My heart dies.
I want to be in that place where I can love you.
My mind keeps me in this world,
a world of guilt and shame
where we must hide our oneness
a place a separateness
a place where the heart is suppressed, held prisoner by gravity and judgement!
The heart is meant to be free!
I feel like a child spinning in a field of daisies on the first day of Spring!
Warm & fresh!
Bright & clear!
No holding back, spinning, eyes closed, face held up into the warmth of the sun, arms held out!
Dizzying, Exhilarating!!
Follow your heart
You will see the beauty of self
You will feel the breath of life and love
Follow my heart, it leads to you.
That is where I want to be.

misdirected emotions

I wasn't raised to be a hateful person. I tell my kids not to use that particular four letter word. its a very ugly word. it means to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest. some of its synonyms are loathe, execrate; despise, abhor, detest, abominate. (dictionary.reference.com) i hear it quite often at work: i hate my schedule! i hate this call! i hate your face! people use it everyday: i hate this traffic, i hate this phone, i hate my boss, etc and so on. but do we really mean it when we say, i hate bananas? i doubt it.

lately i have developed an intense dislike for someone. i feel an extreme aversion for AND extreme hostiliy toward this person. my feelings of hatred for her are getting to the point where i am actually wondering if i am losing my mind. i do not like that i feel such intense emotions about her. this is not who i am. i may not like everyone, as a matter of fact quite a few people pretty much get on my nerves, but i don't hate them. i may disagree with the opinions of others, i may think that some people should really just super glue their lips shut and draw their sustenance thru a tube going directly into their stomachs just so i never have to hear their voice again, but hate? nah, i dont hate them. i am not a hater. then why, please tell me why do i feel like the devil himself when i think about this person?

she is nothing to me. we are not related. she is not my friend. we dont work together. as a matter of fact, i very rarely even see this woman. i believe, as i am counting in my head, i have seen her fewer then 10 times in the 7 plus years that i have known who she is.

i told my boyfriend about my feelings the other day. i said i have shamefully wished for her demise. i have had visions of her lying in a hospital bed as Dr House and his team struggle to find a cure for the unknown disease that is ravaging her body, and they are running out of time. there will be no last minute cure on this episode. i told him that i have never in my life felt this way for any person; not for the many men that broke my heart, not the cop that wrote me the ticket for speeding in my dads car that i know for a fact could never go as fast as he accused me of going, not even George W himself. i didnt leave anything out when i was burdening him with the wickedest of my emotions. i confessed that these feelings are scaring me. what did my boyfriend say in response? i'm stressed. all the stress i've been under is amplifying my emotions.

i forgot to mention that the woman that i feel this blackness for, this depth of pure putrid hate for, is his wife.

yesterday i told my other friend, my WOMAN friend, what i was feeling. she instantly recognized it for what it is; misdirected emotions.

i am blaming his wife for everything. i blame her that he & i can't be together. it is her fault that i go to sleep without him every night. it is because of her that i can't have the happiness that i know i would have if he and i had the life that they share; the cars and the house and the pool and the big huge king sized bed with all the fluffy pillows. she is the Hoover dam blocking my Lake Mead-sized opportunity for happiness and love.

i dont want to ask myself this question but i truly have to: how can it be her fault? she is so blinded by his lies and manipulations that she doesn't even know i exist. he has told me that he does everything in his power to make sure she is happy because as long as she is happy she leaves him alone and he can be happy.

so why do i hate her so much? is it her fault that he doesn't leave her for me? is it her fault that year after year i grow more and more despondant, that the idea of leaving him is scarier then the idea of just staying with what is familiar, comfortable? is it her fault that i choose to stay in a relationship that i know without a doubt is never going to be anymore then what it is right now just so i wont be completely alone? does she deserve my hatred because he knows exactly what to say to me to make me believe him? is my hatred for her justified because i choose to cling to him as if he was a life raft in my ocean of despair?

i want to say yes to all of those questions but the rational side of me knows that none of it is her fault. i have absolutely no reason to hate this woman. what my friend meant when she said its misdirected emotions is i don't want to blame him for everything because if i did surely i wouldn't stay in a relationship that brings me more pain then it does happiness, nor can i blame myself because if i did that means i would have to recognize that i have been making foolish choices for the last 7 years. since i refuse to hate him or myself, i am left with no choice but to hate her. it seems easier to hate her.

but its not easy. its painful and hard and confusing. this is not who i am! i dont hate. i believe in forgiveness and taking responsibility for my actions. i know not to blame others for my misgivings. i have found peace when i have taken a good hard look at myself and realized that a particular situation i may have found myself in was a direct result of my choices and actions leading up to that moment.

i have no one to blame, most certainly not her. her choosing to stay with him is not cause enough for me to hate her. her choosing to stay married to him has nothing to do with my choosing to stay in an adulterous affair with him. we are two women who seperately choose to stay with the same man, for different reasons. she isn't blocking my love from flowing to me. if anyone is blocking love, its me.

i said no to god

i said no to god. on sunday of all days. no, i didn't say no to god by not going to church or not joining a bible study group, nothing so mundane. "god" or the universe, or maybe it was the schizophrenic voices in my head, voices of my own wild imagination; wherever or from whomever the voice came from, it was telling me what i should do to be happy and i said NO. straight out! i went so far as to shout, thats bullshit! why can't i have my happiness the way I want it?? why do i have to do whatYOU want me to do in order to be happy? very quietly, "god", the voice, whomever it is said, obviously your way of creating happiness isn't working for ya.

smartass!!

i dont want to do what i know i SHOULD do. why can't i have happiness the way i want it? thats crap! why should i have to do this in order to have that??? i want that NOW.

or do i?

maybe that is the question i should be asking myself. not why can't i have it the way i want it? i should ask myself, why don't i want it at all? its there for the taking. i can either continue to stand in the quicksand and sink deeper and deeper, pretending that i am happy, trying to convince everyone around me that i am completely accepting of my quicksand paradise, or i can reach out my hand and be freed from the sucking mess that is dragging me down.

do i like the quicksand?

i hate it.

this quicksand is bullshit. but its comfortable and i am familiar with it, its formed itself around me perfectly. there isn't anything scary in the quicksand. i am friends with all the little creepy crawly things that squirm between my toes and wind themselves around my legs. what the voice of "god" is talking about is scary. the thought of allowing myself to be happy...that scares the crap out of me. or maybe its the idea that IF i were to allow myself to find happiness, i am opening myself up to be hurt, opening myself up to disappointment and abandonment. i have all that now! why would i give that all up to dance under the light of happiness for a brief period of time knowing that eventually i will end up right back where i am now?

or is it possible that if i were to listen to "god" or the universe or my schizophrenic voices, reach my hand out and pull myself from this quicksand, could i actually find a happiness that is lasting? that seems to be what the voice is indicating for me. its still yammering away in the back of my head, incessantly telling me "this is the way. if you would only do what i am telling you to do, you will be happy!"

i wish it would just shut the hell up.