misdirected emotions

I wasn't raised to be a hateful person. I tell my kids not to use that particular four letter word. its a very ugly word. it means to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest. some of its synonyms are loathe, execrate; despise, abhor, detest, abominate. (dictionary.reference.com) i hear it quite often at work: i hate my schedule! i hate this call! i hate your face! people use it everyday: i hate this traffic, i hate this phone, i hate my boss, etc and so on. but do we really mean it when we say, i hate bananas? i doubt it.

lately i have developed an intense dislike for someone. i feel an extreme aversion for AND extreme hostiliy toward this person. my feelings of hatred for her are getting to the point where i am actually wondering if i am losing my mind. i do not like that i feel such intense emotions about her. this is not who i am. i may not like everyone, as a matter of fact quite a few people pretty much get on my nerves, but i don't hate them. i may disagree with the opinions of others, i may think that some people should really just super glue their lips shut and draw their sustenance thru a tube going directly into their stomachs just so i never have to hear their voice again, but hate? nah, i dont hate them. i am not a hater. then why, please tell me why do i feel like the devil himself when i think about this person?

she is nothing to me. we are not related. she is not my friend. we dont work together. as a matter of fact, i very rarely even see this woman. i believe, as i am counting in my head, i have seen her fewer then 10 times in the 7 plus years that i have known who she is.

i told my boyfriend about my feelings the other day. i said i have shamefully wished for her demise. i have had visions of her lying in a hospital bed as Dr House and his team struggle to find a cure for the unknown disease that is ravaging her body, and they are running out of time. there will be no last minute cure on this episode. i told him that i have never in my life felt this way for any person; not for the many men that broke my heart, not the cop that wrote me the ticket for speeding in my dads car that i know for a fact could never go as fast as he accused me of going, not even George W himself. i didnt leave anything out when i was burdening him with the wickedest of my emotions. i confessed that these feelings are scaring me. what did my boyfriend say in response? i'm stressed. all the stress i've been under is amplifying my emotions.

i forgot to mention that the woman that i feel this blackness for, this depth of pure putrid hate for, is his wife.

yesterday i told my other friend, my WOMAN friend, what i was feeling. she instantly recognized it for what it is; misdirected emotions.

i am blaming his wife for everything. i blame her that he & i can't be together. it is her fault that i go to sleep without him every night. it is because of her that i can't have the happiness that i know i would have if he and i had the life that they share; the cars and the house and the pool and the big huge king sized bed with all the fluffy pillows. she is the Hoover dam blocking my Lake Mead-sized opportunity for happiness and love.

i dont want to ask myself this question but i truly have to: how can it be her fault? she is so blinded by his lies and manipulations that she doesn't even know i exist. he has told me that he does everything in his power to make sure she is happy because as long as she is happy she leaves him alone and he can be happy.

so why do i hate her so much? is it her fault that he doesn't leave her for me? is it her fault that year after year i grow more and more despondant, that the idea of leaving him is scarier then the idea of just staying with what is familiar, comfortable? is it her fault that i choose to stay in a relationship that i know without a doubt is never going to be anymore then what it is right now just so i wont be completely alone? does she deserve my hatred because he knows exactly what to say to me to make me believe him? is my hatred for her justified because i choose to cling to him as if he was a life raft in my ocean of despair?

i want to say yes to all of those questions but the rational side of me knows that none of it is her fault. i have absolutely no reason to hate this woman. what my friend meant when she said its misdirected emotions is i don't want to blame him for everything because if i did surely i wouldn't stay in a relationship that brings me more pain then it does happiness, nor can i blame myself because if i did that means i would have to recognize that i have been making foolish choices for the last 7 years. since i refuse to hate him or myself, i am left with no choice but to hate her. it seems easier to hate her.

but its not easy. its painful and hard and confusing. this is not who i am! i dont hate. i believe in forgiveness and taking responsibility for my actions. i know not to blame others for my misgivings. i have found peace when i have taken a good hard look at myself and realized that a particular situation i may have found myself in was a direct result of my choices and actions leading up to that moment.

i have no one to blame, most certainly not her. her choosing to stay with him is not cause enough for me to hate her. her choosing to stay married to him has nothing to do with my choosing to stay in an adulterous affair with him. we are two women who seperately choose to stay with the same man, for different reasons. she isn't blocking my love from flowing to me. if anyone is blocking love, its me.