poems

These are poems that i wrote for ... over the past 7 1/2 years. I kept them between him and me, I didn't want anyone else to read them because they were filled with my deepest feelings for him. I read them now and I find them preposterous, overblown and junk. but ya know, that could just be me being angry that i invested so much of my time, emotions & life to this person that didn't feel the need to do the same for me. I think putting them into my blog is helping me let go of them, let go of him. This is the symbolic burning of them! light one for me from the flame!

You Let Me

Happiness I feel
it is light & fluffy.
Fat free, yet delicious & sweet
Love is inside me, all around me
You aren't mine for the taking, I am yours for the giving.
Your gift if your curse.
Your curse is my blessing.
Now that you have found me, I have found myself.
My heart that once was in pieces,
left to scatter in the wind
Is whole again, full again.
What if you leave me?
I will cry. It will feel like death.
What if I leave you?
I have said never before. I can't say never again.
I will cry. It will feel like death.
Then I will live again.
What if you stay with me?
I will cry.l It will feel like life.
You love me. YOU love ME.
wow
My laughter resounds through your day
Like a breeze through a willows branches.
Beautiful, fresh, free and pure.
Maybe I should buy a boat!
You asked me why I love you.
My response never changes:
You let me love you.
You let me love me.
You see my passion
You see my desire
You see my perversion
And you don't turn away. Don't turn away.
Stay with me.
Love me.
Love me





A RIDE IN THE COUNTRY

Two people alone in a car
The moon illuminates the barren hills
Far from town they have come to find love, passion, serenity, peace.
They talk for a while
Listen to romantic music
Gaze into each others eyes
Their love is strong and pure.
He has known love worldwide.
She feels it fully for the first time.
He makes her smile.
Her laughter is contagious.
He looks at her and sees her beauty
She looks at him and sees his love.
In this desolate setting, occupied by tumbleweeds and grazing cows
They come to be alone
He touches her hand
The electricity roars through her.
He leans over to her and slowly, gently
Presses his lips to hers.
The fire he ignites in her is a burning unmatched
He needs no fuel
It ignites her like a lightening strike.
They kiss and touch like horny teenagers
Experience is the difference.
Each touch lingers
Each kiss, meaningful and deep.
They come to this spot to join, to come together
This they do.
In an embrace like no other
Their bodies are one
Their souls touch
The energy released
Could light an entire city
If it could be harnesses
But love like this is free
Untethered
Uncontrollable
Alive
Amazing
He wipes the tears from her eyes
She smiles
A smile as bright at the moon
Lighting their way home.



YOU'RE STILL HERE

How come you are still here?
I'm crazy, don't you know that?
I'm possessive, jealous, demanding...
When my pants don't fit, you take the punch.
When I turn into Dr. Jekyll & Ms. Hyde
month after month
You let me rant and rave
You sit patiently beside me and listen
As i blame it all on you!
Then you smile as the storm clouds pass
And my sun shines again
What makes you so different?
Why do you still see me now?
Why aren't you going to wait until I'm gone,
Seeing too late what a gift you had
Only to let it go.
You have taken the wrapping of the gift that so many have put aside.
And you are still here.
I am overwhelmed by you.
Oh I am trying my damndest
to scare you away
Thank you for not being easily spooked.
You have turned my contrived world of self-inflicted horrors
Into a fun house!
You have this way of exorcising my demons
Demons whose only goals are
To destroy any happiness I find.
I have found such exquisite happiness with you
We're talking over the rainbow kinda happiness!
I laugh until I cry
I cry until I laugh
And you let me
How come you are still here?
Because you love me
All of me
My demons don't scare you
You have seen enough of your own to know
Mine are a part of me.
Not ALL of me.
I know you love me
The magnitude of your love for me
frightens me
I try to deny it
I tell myself, and you
That your love for others was stronger than what you feel for me.
Sometimes fear can overpower love.
Sometimes confusion
overpowers one's true feelings
I know you love me.
You must love me.
You're still here.



HOLIDAY

You must have been on holiday.
I called and texted, your phone was off.
It must be wonderful to be able to shut off the world like that.
For me
Time spent with you is my holiday.
I don't have to stretch my wings like an eagle
and drift on the current
So high in the sky, so free and beautiful...
I have felt this with you.
I don't have to cross the ocean alone in a canoe
fighting the most severe of storms
Blessing the softest of breezes...
I have felt this with you.
I don't have to fall down the darkest shaft of a well
falling through the darkness, waiting for the depths to arrive
Watching the circle of light grow smaller and smaller....
I have felt this with you.
Roller coaster rides, walks in the park
Scaling the highest mountain, trekking the deepest ravine
Perfect holidays in someone's eyes, it all sounds fun.
But I have felt my heart in my throat
I have heard the songs of the birds
and breathed in the sweet nectar of spring flowers in the park
I have been to the top of Mt Everest
and looked at the glory of the world around me.
I have felt the coolness of the Colorado river on my toes.
All of this I have felt while sitting beside you on the couch.
You are my holiday.
The touch of your skin, the scent of your cologne, the sound of your voice
You are my holiday.
I have experienced a lifetime of emotions during a moment with you.
I know what it feels like to be a supermodel on the runways in Paris
I don't have to go to Jupiter to feel weightless
I have eaten an entire box of imported chocolate & not gained an ounce
All with you.
You are my holiday.
Enjoy your holiday
Turn off your phone
Turn off the world
I will be here
Waiting for my next holiday with you.



WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

Someone asked me once
What does it feel like, being madly in love?
It feels like I have a purpose
It feels like I have a true reason for being.
Giving my love to you makes me whole.
Giving my love to you brings me peace.
Giving my love to you
is what I am meant to do.
I don't need a sacred vow
to know you love me.
I don't need a shiny band of gold
to make you mine.
You don't have to swear to love me forever
You love me now.
You don't have to commit to only me
You are too amazing to keep to myself.
In this moment I will never not love you.
In this moment I will never fall out of love with you.
In this moment I will cry when I miss you
I will dream of falling asleep next to you
I will imagine waking up with you by my side.
In this moment I will smile when I think of you.
What does it feel like,
being madly in love with you?
It is every feeling!
Being in love with you is what I'm meant to do.




I NEED YOU

You hold a piece of my soul in your hand.
The pain of loving you pales beside the river of torment brought about
by the tiniest teardrop of an idea of losing you.
The confusion is strong
The pain is real
I don't know what to do
Please tell me what to do
I am alive when I'm near you!
If you were to ask me what I wanted I couldn't answer you.
I don't know!
I don't have to want your friendship...
I have it.
I don't have to want your kindness...
I have it.
I don't have to want your compassion...
I have it.
I don't have to want your tenderness, your intimacy, your love...
I have it all.
You hold a piece of my heart in your hand.
The pain of loving you diminishes in the shadow of the darkest mountain of fear
thrust upward in the earthquake stirred by the thought of not having you in my life.
I don't know what to do
Can you tell me what to do?
If you were to ask me what I needed,
I'd answer, I need you.




DARKNESS

The darkness engulfs me
I lay down in the cold, empty bed
My heart shatters in countless pieces
You are not here with me.
You say "I am always with you, My heart and my soul are yours."
The light of day makes this feel so real.
The night is another world.
I am human and I ache for your touch
My five senses scream out in the darkness!
Your touch, taste, scent...
the sound of your voice, the way you look at me...
They haunt me in the darkness.
As I try to sleep without you
I close my eyes, I feel your breath, I hear your whispers
I reach out for you, opening my eyes to the dark reality
YOU ARE NOT HERE!
My tears soak my pillow, my cries break the silence.
Your heart and your soul comfort me,
But it is your BODY that I crave in the darkness.
As the morning sun slowly creeps in, waking me from the restless lonely night,
It chases away the darkness.
Until tonight, another night without your here.




IT LEADS TO YOU

Follow my heart
It leads to you
Follow my mind
my heart bleeds
Following my heart helps me soar past the clouds & stars
Into other worlds so unlike our own
Worlds where love rules
Places where energy dances with joy & exuberance
It is right to be in love
It's natural to follow your heart!
Following my heart has kept me alive!
Follow my mind,
My heart dies.
I want to be in that place where I can love you.
My mind keeps me in this world,
a world of guilt and shame
where we must hide our oneness
a place a separateness
a place where the heart is suppressed, held prisoner by gravity and judgement!
The heart is meant to be free!
I feel like a child spinning in a field of daisies on the first day of Spring!
Warm & fresh!
Bright & clear!
No holding back, spinning, eyes closed, face held up into the warmth of the sun, arms held out!
Dizzying, Exhilarating!!
Follow your heart
You will see the beauty of self
You will feel the breath of life and love
Follow my heart, it leads to you.
That is where I want to be.