i said no to god

i said no to god. on sunday of all days. no, i didn't say no to god by not going to church or not joining a bible study group, nothing so mundane. "god" or the universe, or maybe it was the schizophrenic voices in my head, voices of my own wild imagination; wherever or from whomever the voice came from, it was telling me what i should do to be happy and i said NO. straight out! i went so far as to shout, thats bullshit! why can't i have my happiness the way I want it?? why do i have to do whatYOU want me to do in order to be happy? very quietly, "god", the voice, whomever it is said, obviously your way of creating happiness isn't working for ya.

smartass!!

i dont want to do what i know i SHOULD do. why can't i have happiness the way i want it? thats crap! why should i have to do this in order to have that??? i want that NOW.

or do i?

maybe that is the question i should be asking myself. not why can't i have it the way i want it? i should ask myself, why don't i want it at all? its there for the taking. i can either continue to stand in the quicksand and sink deeper and deeper, pretending that i am happy, trying to convince everyone around me that i am completely accepting of my quicksand paradise, or i can reach out my hand and be freed from the sucking mess that is dragging me down.

do i like the quicksand?

i hate it.

this quicksand is bullshit. but its comfortable and i am familiar with it, its formed itself around me perfectly. there isn't anything scary in the quicksand. i am friends with all the little creepy crawly things that squirm between my toes and wind themselves around my legs. what the voice of "god" is talking about is scary. the thought of allowing myself to be happy...that scares the crap out of me. or maybe its the idea that IF i were to allow myself to find happiness, i am opening myself up to be hurt, opening myself up to disappointment and abandonment. i have all that now! why would i give that all up to dance under the light of happiness for a brief period of time knowing that eventually i will end up right back where i am now?

or is it possible that if i were to listen to "god" or the universe or my schizophrenic voices, reach my hand out and pull myself from this quicksand, could i actually find a happiness that is lasting? that seems to be what the voice is indicating for me. its still yammering away in the back of my head, incessantly telling me "this is the way. if you would only do what i am telling you to do, you will be happy!"

i wish it would just shut the hell up.