can't put my finger on ti

i can't put my finger on it. there is this sense that something is coming, some sort of change. it isn't scary, other then i can't put my finger on it. it isn't a feeling a dread. it just feels like things are going to be different. different. different.

things have been the same for a while. life has gotten better, but it has been essentially the same for a long time. i work. i love. i come home. sometimes i work out. i pay my bills the best i can. sometimes i blow my money on stupid shit then i have to be creative with my financing for the rest of the week. sometimes i eat well, sometimes i eat like shit. i am happy, i am sad, i am mad, i laugh, i cry. things have been the same for a long time. the same. the same. the same.

i need something to change. i need a change. change. change. change.

what? my job? no, unless i win the lottery. i like my job. i love my job to be honest. it can be mundane, frustrating, stressful. it can also be hysterical, i can feel the love that my coworkers have for each other, i can feel that my supervisor cares for us, that our big boss cares for us. it's really nice to feel that. i like my job. i like where i work, it's a really nice building. i really like the people i work with. no, unless i win the lottery, i don't want my job to change.

what? my finances? of course! i always dream of what it would be like to not have to worry about money. i see people all around me that spend money like they have it and i wonder what that would be like. would it make me happier to not have to buy generic all the time, or be able to tell my kids "Sure, we can buy that, throw it in the basket." would i be happy if i drove a car manufactured in this century? if i lived in a nicer place? if i could go on vacation and not have to debate on my mode of transportation or search for the cheapest hotel? of course. i have always wanted my money situation to change, so i don't think that is the change i am sensing. but then again maybe it is...i don't know! if it is, i'll take it as long as its a change for the better. i have been to the bottom and i never want to go back. if i have to be where i am for the rest of my life i'll take it as long as i never have to survive on less. that sucks. been there, done that, don't wanna do it again. but i would take change for the better.

i like where i live. its fairly quiet, its affordable, its convenient to work and shopping, etc. i have never really had the desire to own my own place. sure it would be nice to paint the walls a different color or have carpeting any other color than beige but those are pretty minor things. i would like a garage, but i would probably just have it so loaded with junk that i would still have to park my car outside. i really like where i live. there are lots of deer and bunny's and the ladies in the office are super nice. my neighbors pretty much mind their own business. i guess if i won the lottery i would move up in the world, but until then i'm good where i am.

my love life. yes, i said it. i know how people feel about that. everyone including the object of my affection says i deserve better. better then a man who loves me for everything that i am and has never tried to change me? better then a man who tells me everyday that he loves me and that his heart belongs to me? everyone says our relationship is wrong. love is wrong? i love him. he loves me. no one has ever looked at me the way he does. we have known each other for a long time and strangely enough we love each other more now then we did a year ago. i have tried to break us up deliberately. what more could i do then write to his wife and tell her everything??? i wrote to her CHURCH for crying out loud! & that letter i signed! i tried to break us up and we survived it. he has tried to break us up and we have survived it. he is my best friend. no one has ever understood me like he does. no one have ever tried to understand me like he does. he knows my stupid stories, he doesn't mind when i tell them over & over again like an Alzheimer's patient. he makes me laugh, me makes me cry. if i could ask god or the universe, whatever, for one wish it would be for him to be with me, for us to be together the way i know we deserve to be. that is the one thing i would change. i wouldn't change a thing about him. i would just change his situation to give him the opportunity to be with me, where he belongs. i wouldn't ask for millions or a hot body or a better nose or a mansion to live in or a fancy car or a flat screen TV....i would ask for him to be with me. that is the thing i would change if i could.

but is that the change i can feel coming? i don't know. i still can't put my finger on it. but i can feel it. something is going to be different. i am going to have money, or he and i are going to be together, or i am going to move but not just across town. maybe it will be something else. whatever it is, i can feel it. things are going to be different. in a good way, i can feel that too. how can i tell? because when i think about it, whatever it is, i smile. change is good.

it's not my place

I'm not her mom. Hell, I'm not even her stepmom. I have known her since she was 11 or 12, mostly from a distance for the past 3 years or so. But I love her. I love her so much, probably more then I have the right to. I see where she is going, I recognize it clearly because I've been down that road, and I am afraid for her.

Her dad and stepmom raised her to know right from wrong. They laid a foundation for her that made the world her oyster. She had an incredible opportunity to see the world and have adventures that I have only dreamed of. She was raised to have morals and values, to respect people and herself. Her father taught her discipline, her stepmom nurtured her spiritually. They both showed her how much they loved her. Why now, after leaving their home to go out on her own way, has she forgotten all of that?

I know what it's like to search outside myself for love and acceptance. I think we all do. I think it is more of a rarity to find a person who genuinely loves themselves enough that they can live with or without a significant other, they have enough self-respect to say no when someone wants them to join in a ridiculous adventure that could end in disaster, and they care enough about themselves to listen to people who are older and wiser then them, to learn from their experiences, and to recognize what is good for them or bad for them. I am not one of those people. Correction, I wasn't one of those people. When I was young up until just a few years ago I was constantly on the search for someone to love me, someone to accept me, someone to show me that I deserved to be loved and accepted. It never occurred to me that I was just such a person, that I would find that love and acceptance that I so desperately needed inside myself. I think this is what my young friend is going through and I am helpless to stop it.

I have lectured her (via facebook, both publicly & privately) and argued with her new friends and family that think she is going to be just fine and life is great and swell and filled with rainbows and candy canes. She wants to hear what they have to say. She refuses to listen to those of us that know her...her sister, her uncle, her parents, me. Those of us that know her are dying inside because we are so worried about her. Her new family and friends fill her head with thoughts of romance and houses with white picket fences and smiling laughing babies that never cry or get sick or shit all over the place. That is what she wants to hear. I have tried to tell her that she needs help but I am overwhelmingly cast as the villain by the "everything is gonna be great!" crowd. Because I am not 100% supportive of her, that means I don't love her.

I want to send a message to her "boyfriend" telling him that the world is not all sunshine and lollipops, that having a sex on a daily basis with a girl he barely knows doesn't not mean he is in love with her, and having a baby is the last thing the two of them should be doing. I want to message her and tell her that her dad loves her and if she needed him he would be there for her. I want to drive across country and grab her by the ears, sit her down and yell at her until she snaps out of it.

It's not my place. I'm not her mom. Hell, I'm not even her stepmom. I'm just someone who loves her. What that gives me is the opportunity to gracefully bow out, to let her know, hey if you ever need me I'll be there but I can't stand by and watch you walk down the path I've already been down cuz while I'm ok now, I haven't always been and that path comes dangerously close to the edge. Being someone who loves her lets me let her go.

I love you Moose. I'll be here if you need me.

knocked up

(disclaimer...before reading this, know that I love my children and do not regret my decision to have them on my own. that being said, i hope my kids make better, more thoughtful decisions and do it right, both for themselves and for their children.)

A young lady I love very dearly happily announced that she is going to be a mommy on facebook. That should be a wonderful occasion but to me it brought back memories that I hoped she would never have to live through. You see, she is unwed, has known the father for less then 3 months, is 19 years old, doesn't have a job, isn't in college, etc & so forth. She did graduate from high school so she has that going for her. Unfortunately that's about all she has going for her.

There is a show on television called Teen Mom (or something like that)...I have never watched it nor do I ever plan on watching it. I don't need to watch a "reality" show about what it's like to be a teenage mother, I lived it. While researching statistics I could present to my young friend I came across an article called "The Real Reality of Being a Teen Mom" written by Robyn Margulis on pressofatlanticcity.com that articulated very well what I feel is one of the main reasons why teen girls get knocked up* (besides the obvious). Here is what I believe is the most significant quote from the article:

"The reality T.V. exploitations have, indeed, included some heartfelt mothering moments that demonstrate the pure and dynamic bond between mother and child that is inevitable no matter what the age of the mother. What do you suppose is the result for those insecure teens whose existence is marked by loneliness and a lack of love?

When I was pregnant (as an adult), I remember feeling so special because of the way I was treated by others. For the entire nine months of both pregnancies I recall being treated with kid gloves by friends, family, and strangers who would constantly ask how I was feeling or whether I needed assistance.

Now imagine as a young, impressionable girl who has no support system, but an incessant sense of loneliness and feeling unloved. Suddenly, by becoming pregnant, your existence completely changes: Your friends are treating you like a porcelain doll; your boyfriend (hopefully, if he is still in the picture) is treating you like a queen; ... Heck yeah, where do I sign up?"

When I got knocked up at the age of 19, I too was a high school graduate, I had one year of college under my belt, I was enlisted in the Air Force...my future was mapped out for me. All that changed with a night of unprotected sex with a boy I thought I loved. Needless to say, we didn't get married, as a matter of fact I think the night he was planning to break up with me is the night I told him I was in trouble. Maybe 21 years ago it was different but I was so ashamed of myself, I remember crying and crying when I got the results of the pregnancy test. I was so scared, I had no idea what I was going to do. I was so terrified to tell my parents (my mother still believed that I was a virgin...things have sure changed in a couple decades). If there had been facebook when I was 19 I most certainly wouldn't be proudly proclaiming that I was going to be joining the ranks of unwed mothers living on welfare and other government assistance. I love my children so much and I am extremely proud of the man my son has grown to be, but having lived through it I know what kind of challenges she is going to face. If she could see into her future and the future of her unborn child, she would not be rejoicing, she would be panicking. She hasn't ruined her life but "her" life as she knows it is over. Everything that she does is going to be that much harder. Her idea of becoming a dental hygienist, while still possible, is going to be so much more difficult and stressful and will more then likely come 2nd to the baby. Her days of drinking and smoking and being a carefree young woman are over. Being able to do whatever you want whenever you want...kiss those days bye-bye my dear young friend.

I suppose my lectures are a wee bit too late since she is already knocked up. Her baby-daddy posted on facebook that she didn't plan this...I'm sorry boy-who-has-known-her-for-less-then-3-months, I'm afraid to tell you but yes, she did plan it. If a young unmarried woman isn't on the pill or some other sort of birth control, and is having unprotected sex with a boy she barely knows, she planned on getting knocked up. If you aren't trying to prevent an "unplanned pregnancy" by taking the proper precautions, you are planning to get pregnant. I can say this from experience. I look back on the dumb kid I was when I got knocked up with my son and I wasn't using protection, I wasn't on the pill, and I was having sex with a boy I barely knew. What the hell else did I think was going to happen? I had a driver's ed teacher a long time ago who said "Accidents don't happen. Somewhere along that road, someone did something, whether unintentional or not, that caused a collision". Accidental pregnancies don't happen. Wait, maybe they do: if a married woman who is taking birth control and whose husband uses a condom and pulls out gets pregnant, that's pretty close to being an accident. But they were still having sex! If you are an otherwise healthy person who hasn't had their tubes tied or their balls cut off, the only sure way to not get pregnant is to not have sex (immaculate conception doesn't count!).

I'm really sorry, but I just can't find it in me to congratulate the young couple on their upcoming bundle of joy. Nor can I rejoice in the amount of young girls that think having a baby is going to solve their loneliness and feelings of not being loved. Let me tell you from experience, when the friends are gone and the guy is gone and you're sitting in your subsidised apartment at 3 o'clock in the morning with a screaming baby, you will understand loneliness and feeling unloved. The only thing I can do is wish them luck. I hope they are as lucky as I am and their child grows up to be the kind of man my son is. I'm still working on my daughter, but with perseverance and strength I will show her that she is loved and it is ok and normal to feel lonely sometimes, and that she doesn't have to search outside of herself for anything, she has everything she needs inside. God help me, please.


*I'm sorry, but I try to reserve the term "pregnant" to women who are emotionally & financially stable enough to handle a baby, who are either in a committed relationship or have planned to have a baby on their own because the relationship thing never panned out, knowing full well the difficulty they will face raising a child by themselves. when you have unprotected sex and find yourself missing your period as a result, you're knocked up.

hope floats, but so does shit

How is it that I have lost all hope of ever having the kind of life with him (or anyone else) that I have dreamt of for so long, yet I am so completely incapable of letting go?
He still has hope: hope of a life with me, hope of being in each other's lives, hope of sharing our love and our hearts with each other from now until the end of time. Is he full of shit, am I stupid for believing him, or does he really love me and dreams of being with me, somehow, someday, even if its 9-10 years from now when his youngest daughter graduates high school and he can feel free to leave his wife (or be released from his prison, as he states it)?
I'm not stupid & I truly do not believe he is full of shit. I have been involved with men where I have been fooled at the beginning but have eventually recognized them for what kind of men they truly were, whether that be abusive, lazy, a drug addict, a leech, a player or straight-up asshole. It is when that recognition finally takes place that I have been able to let go & walk away without the slightest glance back and been able to look forward to the future. In the past, while involved with a man I have always found other men interesting, attractive, tempting, sexy, etc. I have had moments of temptation and weakness where it would have been very easy to cheat on the man I was involved with. I have flirted with other men, I have even kissed other men while being in a relationship. I have never gone so far as to sleep with someone while committed to someone else, but the thought has definitely crossed my mind.

Since we met, none of these things have happened to me. I have found other men interesting but only mildly. I had a bit of a crush on a coworker who had a nice ass but when I realized that's ALL he had the crush ended. I have noticed very attractive, sexy men (I'm not DEAD) but none have been as attractive or sexy to me as he is. I have heard lines in poems and songs and romantic movies that say, "when we met there was suddenly no one else for me" but I could never relate to that. Now I can.

I wish I was just being stupid. I wish I could tell that he was being dishonest or manipulative. I wish he was using me. If he was, eventually I would realize that and I would tell him where to go, I would move on without a look behind me and I would start looking forward to the future. The only future I see is one with him in it. I can't see a future without him. When I try all I see is a snowy screen with white noise.
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In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments. ~Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human, 1878


In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

i want one person to know

"I am in love with this woman, I have been for the last 7 years."
It's what I've always wanted to hear him say in front of people. He didn't for the longest time. For many years we were "friends" to everyone outside of us. I didn't bullshit anyone, I told everyone as soon as I realized how much he meant to me, what he meant to me. Not him. It hasn't been until recently that he has started admitting to others what he feels for me. He said this the other night to a friend of his. Later, when we were alone, we were talking about our present state of affairs (pun intended) and he said, "I said I was in love with you in front of *name omitted for his protection*. Doesn't that tell you how much you mean to me?" "Yes, it does. But you haven't admitted to the one person I want to know more then anyone else in this world what I mean to you. Does she know that you are in love with me?"
He said, "She knows I love you."
"Does she know you are IN LOVE with me?"
"She knows I love you."
"Tell me exactly how it came about that she knows that you love me? How did you tell her? (I already knew, I just wanted to know if there was more then just the one occasion) Was it after she got the letter when she was interrogating you about me?"
"Yes, she said, 'What does she mean to you, do you love her? And I said 'Yeah"."

:/

I want the world to know how he feels about me. I want him to shout it from the roof tops, announce it on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve, publish it in the New York Times, pay oodles of money for a 15 second spot during the Super Bowl letting the world know that he is in love with me. But if none of that can happen, I would die happy if SHE knew he was in love with me, and not via second hand knowledge or rumor or happening upon a blog written by a crazy woman. I want him to look into her eyes and say "I am IN LOVE with her".

Is that cruel? I suppose it is. Sometimes the truth can be cruel. Believe me, I know all about that. The truth of knowing that despite "being in love with me" he still hasn't left her for me is pretty fucking cruel. The truth that even though she knows all about me and his affair, she stays and, as far as I can tell, has no real plans on leaving is cruel. But being cruel isn't my only motivation in wanting to hear him admit it to her. I need the validation. Yes, that is a bullshit thing and I'm not proud of it, but I need to be validated. My love for him and his love for me, our relationship, it may as well never have existed if she lives the rest of her life not knowing that he is in love with me. Yes, I'm going to hell for that, but at least I won't have to see her there.

(disclaimer: all feelings are subject to change. nothing is permanent. one may feel one way on any given day, this does not in any way imply that said person will not feel differently on a different day.)

dog's purpose (i copied this from an email, i couldn't resist)

Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old)

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why.''
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.
He said,''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?''
The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

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this is me now :)
When i was young, from a preteen through my early 20's, we had a black lab mix named Cindy. Our house was surrounded by farm land, at least 80 acres where she could run around chasing rabbits and squirrels, an occasional skunk. There was a ditch road that went for miles and one of the greatest pleasures I had was walking along that ditch road with Cindy for a couple hours as she ran to the river and back, jumping in and out of the ditch, running way ahead of me then looking back to make sure I was still coming. That dog would run!!! If we were outside, she was on the go! In the summer after a thunderstorm had rumbled through, a huge mud puddle would always take over the drive way and she loved just flopping down in that puddle, belly down, back legs outstretched behind her...she would have the dopiest look on her face but we all knew she was having a fantastic time!

Cindy lived a long, happy life. We put her down when she was about 14 years old; she couldn't see very well, she could barely hear, she had a very hard time walking...but no matter how much she hurt if she heard the word WALK that girl's tail was waggin and she headed for the door! Cindy was an amazing friend. I was a teenager so of course I was going through a great deal of teenaged angst, crying over a crush or fighting with my mom, disappointed over a lost ball game, mad because I couldn't watch Miami Vice! The world was ending every other day! If Cindy saw me crying she wasn't having it, she would come over to me & lick my face until I stopped! I would push her away, tell her to leave me alone, but she wouldn't stop until I stopped crying and started laughing. She was a good girl.

We had other dogs, Cookie and Milo, both wonderful dogs in their own ways. We got Cookie, another Lab mix, while Cindy was still alive. We wanted her to train him before she left us! She did a great job, he too loved to run! A couple years after she passed away, Cookie, Milo & I were on a walk down that same ditch road. Those two dogs were pretty lazy compared to ole Cindy. Both of them were huffin and puffin, laying in the shade every chance they got. I said, "Boy, you two lazy dogs couldn't keep up with Cinderella! She woulda been to the river & back before you two even left the yard!" (yes, i talk to my dogs like they are humans!) Just then, I felt something brush by my leg and rush passed me. I knew instantly that it was Cindy! I said outloud to the lolly-gaggers, "See, there she goes now!!" I felt her spirit run passed me like she had never stopped running, never slowing down, with all the enthusiam and happiness that she had when she was young. It was a moment I will never forget.

I absolutely love this: ''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?'' The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long." That is the truth!

Live life like a DOG! lol!

gray & white sweater

stupid kid. when a reasonably attractive older woman hits on you, go for it.

jackass.

facing my pain

Writing my blog yesterday helped me. I felt better by releasing some of my pent up pain and angst. I was able to get dressed, go work out, watch a DVD with my daughter, laugh. I slept well, the dogs actually let me sleep until 8am! Then, this morning as I sat sipping my cinnamon vanilla coffee, the quiet hit me. I realized yesterday was his wife's birthday.

Yesterday I was in this Catch-22 of emotions, grateful to him for listening to me and leaving me alone, but sad that he hadn't contacted me despite my asking him to leave me alone (he hasn't done a very good job of following my wishes previous to this). This morning it dawned on me that yesterday was her birthday and he has NEVER contacted me on her birthday, not in over 7 years. So now my confused and emotionally compromised mind is throwing out ugly thoughts of "of course he didn't text you or make up some excuse to come and see you, yesterday was all about her! It had nothing to do with you, he was making her day special, making her feel like she's the only girl for him, making her feel wonderful and oh so lucky to have such a loving husband and family, just as he has for the last however long they've been together! Even if you hadn't told him to leave you alone as long as he is still married he wouldn't have texted you or called you yesterday! Yesterday was about preserving the illusion of a life he has by restoring her love for him". Of course, I have absolutely no idea if any of these thoughts are true, but they sure feel just about right.

Holding painful emotions inside is what causes people to get sick. Trying to avoid painful experiences by either ignoring them, pretending like they never happened, telling everyone you are OK when you're not, burying them deep inside...these are the things that cause cancer and high blood pressure and obesity and heart disease, etc. I believe this anyway. I truly believe, and this is coming from my experiences only, that the best way to get over something is to look at it, examine it, feel it, experience it, no matter how painful or sorrowful that may be, however difficult the process is. I have done the Catholic thing and tried to confess my sins hoping that whatever I did would just go away by saying 10 Our Fathers and 22 Acts of Contrition. I have done the "Oh hell no, I'm fine, I ain't gonna let that jackass hurt me! Hells NO!" only to fall to the bathroom floor either puking my guts out from drinking too much or nearly turning into a meth head. I have run away hoping to leave the man and all of my heartache behind. I have tried to destroy the man that I saw as the cause of all my pain. I have slept with a different guy every Saturday night hoping that maybe, just maybe this Mr. Saturday night would be the one to save me from all the heartache and pain I suffered at the hands of all the previous Mr. Saturday nights. I've overeaten, I've drank too much, I've experimented with drugs, I've driven wrecklessly, I've been hateful and ugly to people who love me, I have alienated myself from family and friends, etc. Short of therapy, I think I've done it all. I've even been on depression meds, which sucked, let me tell you. What they did was basically turn me into an emotionless blob. No thanks! The only times I have felt better is when I have written about how I was feeling. I have several journals that are filled with page after page of "why do I do this, I'm not doing this anymore, I choose happiness, I love me...blah blah blah". While writing in my journals have helped, I was fooling myself in the crap I was writing, obviously. If I am still feeling the way I felt 4, 5, 6 years ago, obviously I didn't stop doing this, I didn't choose happiness. I was lying to myself. The temporary relief I felt was me trying to buy into my own lie. I'm not buying anything now, I'm too broke.

This is what I'm gonna do: I'm going to write in this blog, on the Internet where anyone who wants to read it can. Maybe no one will ever read it. Maybe his wife will read it (passive aggressive much?). Either way, this is for me and for anyone else who has buried their emotions, ignored their heartache, pretended like they were just fine when they weren't. We have all been hurt. We have all felt disappointment. I am going to try to see if releasing my hurt and disappointment through this medium will help me recover from it. I want to move on. I want to be OK. I don't want to cry anymore. Maybe writing about my emotional roller coaster will help me. Maybe it will help someone else. It's gonna be depressing and ridiculous and I'm gonna shake my head at myself sometimes...but hopefully someday I will say something funny and make someone laugh, make myself laugh.

Face my pain, that's what I'm gonna do. It's worth a shot.

this is why it hurts

We met when I was in the middle of leaving a relationship and he was in the process of defending himself against the false accusations and charges she had pressed against him in an attempt to ruin his career & his life. He was separated from the woman i know now was his wife, still is. He lived in one town, the same town as me, and she lived in another. He told me he wasn't married, that she was just the mother of a couple of his kids and that he felt obligated to take care of her, for that reason only. He swore to me that he had never made any promises to her, that he had never stood in front of anyone and promised her to be faithful. He said they were not legally married. i believed him. i never set out to be an adulteress. even when he moved her into his tiny apartment i believed him. by then of course it was too late, i was already madly in love with him. I didn't plan on falling in love, it was the last thing i wanted. i remember the day i told him i loved him, he was parked outside my house and i was sitting in the door jam of his car, we were talking and laughing and he looked at me with those deep, incredible eyes and said "I'm going to make you fall in love with me." I said "I already have."

No one had ever made me feel the way he made me feel...still to this day I feel like that same girl when i see him, despite everything we've been through. He is my soul, not just my soul mate, but my soul. He makes me laugh, he has helped me see myself differently, I see the beauty that he has always told me is there. He has allowed me to be who I am, he has never tried to change me. He has never shied away from the love i have to give like so many other men in my life have. The first time he told me he was in love with me, not just I love you, but I am IN Love with you, it didn't surprise me at all, I told him "I know, I've known for along time that you are just as much in love with me as I am with you."

I know that alot of people, my friends & family especially, see him as this asshole who has caused me nothing but pain and heartache and they want nothing more then for me to just turn my back and walk away, get over it, move on, meet someone new (the best way to get over someone to get under someone)...I understand where they are coming from. It's my fault that they see him that way because I have tended to talk about the bad stuff alot; the pain of coming in last place to his wife and family, the loneliness of being in love with someone who is committed to another woman, the separation i feel when i go to family gatherings & special occasions and he isn't there with me, etc. All of those feelings are very true; i have cried alot, so much more then i have ever cried before. But I see now that the reason it hurts so much is because i have never felt so loved before. One man came pretty close, and he too i could see myself with for the rest of my life, but that didn't work out the way I'd hoped either. For the better part of a decade i have felt love, friendship, acceptance, encouragement, & so much more. That is why his choosing to stay married (& after 7 1/2 years i finally got the truth out of him, they ARE legally married, they did get a marriage license, they did say vows to each other; he had maintained his lie about never marrying her for so long but it never felt true to me), for what he says is the sake of the children, instead of leaving her for me hurts so much. If a shadow of doubt ever entered my mind, if i ever for an instant thought, he doesn't love me, he never has...i wouldn't be crying myself to sleep or having to go to the restroom to settle myself down before i fall into hysterical tears at work. If i ever thought that his feelings for me weren't genuine, i guarantee you i would be over him as fast as i could pick dog poop out of my shoe. i love very deeply, but when i realize that someone doesn't love me the way i love them, I'm done. this time i am so far from done that it scares me.

I have told him several times in the last few months to leave me alone as long as he is still married to her. i am weak when it comes to him and i have fallen back into his arms many times since November (that's when i opened Pandora's box for me and for his wife, but she doesn't seem to care that she now knows the truth). I have tried and tried to stay away from him but it is nearly impossible. As i sit here today, i feel like i am dying inside because i haven't heard from him. This was usually our time, the couple of hours we were able to spend together each week uninterrupted. I saw him earlier this week and she called while we were having a perfectly wonderful, funny conversation and it ruined everything for me, for what felt like the final time. i very angrily told him to go home to his wife and leave me alone until he is divorced, that everything is screaming at me the he is doing whatever he can do to salvage what is left of their marriage (despite his arguments to the contrary) and that he is kissing her ass so that she won't leave him (i added, i hope you spend the rest of your life taking care of all of her wants and needs because that's all he seems to care about. i told you i was mad!), and i think he finally listened to me, which makes me hurt even more! i told him how much it hurt every time we are together she has to call, every time he leaves me to go home to her it feels like a part of my heart is being ripped out of my chest (kinda like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, that movie freaks me out!). I feel like that every time i see him and he has to leave, even if its when he just drops by for 5 minutes. he tells me, i am not going home to her, i am going home to my children. ya know, that doesn't comfort me at all. she gets to be in his life everyday, she has his last name, she gets to portray herself as the "Marine Wife" (give me a fucking break, she knows nothing about what its like to be married to someone in the military, he was out of the Corps long before they met. i know more about that being a sister of 4 brothers in the military and now the Mom of a Marine), she gets to see him before she falls asleep every night and she gets to see him every morning when she wakes up, she goes on vacation with him and grocery shopping with him, she has the pleasure of sitting next to him on the couch watching movies...she has everything i have ever dreamed of. he says, yes, but you have my heart. that's really touching but i can't snuggle up to your heart at night.

how am i supposed to let go of the one thing i have wanted in my life more then anything else in this world (my kids don't count in this equation, they are completely an entity all their own and THEY ARE the MOST important things in the world to me, they are what is keeping me alive right now)? how do i let go of this man, the one man besides my dad who has never judged me, never tried to change me, never called me fat or ugly or put conditions on his relationship with me. how i am supposed to accept that despite his being madly in love with me he can't be with me the way he wants to because of his kids (his thought process, not mine!)? he has told me that if the universe were different he and i would be married, he says he has dreamt of us getting married and having the kind of life I have always wanted with him. he says being away from me is the worst thing he has ever felt. yet here i sit, alone. he says he loves me more then he has ever loved any woman, yet here i sit...

this is what i have to figure out. i have to try to find a way to let go. every single day i struggle for a reason to get up, for a reason to go to work, to go work out, to eat, to breath. right now like i said earlier, Kyle & Taylor are that reason. my friends are helping me, god bless them. i don't want people to be afraid for me...somewhere, somehow i still have the tiniest notion that someday this life may be worth all the pain i am going through right now. i am not about to give up, i promise. but i hurt. i will hurt for a long time. i honestly feel like i will never get over him. who knows? i love him and i will forever. maybe someday god, the universe, fate, whatever, will bring a man into my life that is willing to do whatever it takes to keep me. until then, alone i trudge, trying so hard to not think every footstep i hear is his, every car door i hear close is him coming to see me, every motorcycle is him riding up to take me on a cruise thru the mountains, every high & tight i see in the distance is him, every Envoy or Volvo is him, every everything is him........................................................