Yesterday I was in this Catch-22 of emotions, grateful to him for listening to me and leaving me alone, but sad that he hadn't contacted me despite my asking him to leave me alone (he hasn't done a very good job of following my wishes previous to this). This morning it dawned on me that yesterday was her birthday and he has NEVER contacted me on her birthday, not in over 7 years. So now my confused and emotionally compromised mind is throwing out ugly thoughts of "of course he didn't text you or make up some excuse to come and see you, yesterday was all about her! It had nothing to do with you, he was making her day special, making her feel like she's the only girl for him, making her feel wonderful and oh so lucky to have such a loving husband and family, just as he has for the last however long they've been together! Even if you hadn't told him to leave you alone as long as he is still married he wouldn't have texted you or called you yesterday! Yesterday was about preserving the illusion of a life he has by restoring her love for him". Of course, I have absolutely no idea if any of these thoughts are true, but they sure feel just about right.
Holding painful emotions inside is what causes people to get sick. Trying to avoid painful experiences by either ignoring them, pretending like they never happened, telling everyone you are OK when you're not, burying them deep inside...these are the things that cause cancer and high blood pressure and obesity and heart disease, etc. I believe this anyway. I truly believe, and this is coming from my experiences only, that the best way to get over something is to look at it, examine it, feel it, experience it, no matter how painful or sorrowful that may be, however difficult the process is. I have done the Catholic thing and tried to confess my sins hoping that whatever I did would just go away by saying 10 Our Fathers and 22 Acts of Contrition. I have done the "Oh hell no, I'm fine, I ain't gonna let that jackass hurt me! Hells NO!" only to fall to the bathroom floor either puking my guts out from drinking too much or nearly turning into a meth head. I have run away hoping to leave the man and all of my heartache behind. I have tried to destroy the man that I saw as the cause of all my pain. I have slept with a different guy every Saturday night hoping that maybe, just maybe this Mr. Saturday night would be the one to save me from all the heartache and pain I suffered at the hands of all the previous Mr. Saturday nights. I've overeaten, I've drank too much, I've experimented with drugs, I've driven wrecklessly, I've been hateful and ugly to people who love me, I have alienated myself from family and friends, etc. Short of therapy, I think I've done it all. I've even been on depression meds, which sucked, let me tell you. What they did was basically turn me into an emotionless blob. No thanks! The only times I have felt better is when I have written about how I was feeling. I have several journals that are filled with page after page of "why do I do this, I'm not doing this anymore, I choose happiness, I love me...blah blah blah". While writing in my journals have helped, I was fooling myself in the crap I was writing, obviously. If I am still feeling the way I felt 4, 5, 6 years ago, obviously I didn't stop doing this, I didn't choose happiness. I was lying to myself. The temporary relief I felt was me trying to buy into my own lie. I'm not buying anything now, I'm too broke.
This is what I'm gonna do: I'm going to write in this blog, on the Internet where anyone who wants to read it can. Maybe no one will ever read it. Maybe his wife will read it (passive aggressive much?). Either way, this is for me and for anyone else who has buried their emotions, ignored their heartache, pretended like they were just fine when they weren't. We have all been hurt. We have all felt disappointment. I am going to try to see if releasing my hurt and disappointment through this medium will help me recover from it. I want to move on. I want to be OK. I don't want to cry anymore. Maybe writing about my emotional roller coaster will help me. Maybe it will help someone else. It's gonna be depressing and ridiculous and I'm gonna shake my head at myself sometimes...but hopefully someday I will say something funny and make someone laugh, make myself laugh.
Face my pain, that's what I'm gonna do. It's worth a shot.
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