things have been the same for a while. life has gotten better, but it has been essentially the same for a long time. i work. i love. i come home. sometimes i work out. i pay my bills the best i can. sometimes i blow my money on stupid shit then i have to be creative with my financing for the rest of the week. sometimes i eat well, sometimes i eat like shit. i am happy, i am sad, i am mad, i laugh, i cry. things have been the same for a long time. the same. the same. the same.
i need something to change. i need a change. change. change. change.
what? my job? no, unless i win the lottery. i like my job. i love my job to be honest. it can be mundane, frustrating, stressful. it can also be hysterical, i can feel the love that my coworkers have for each other, i can feel that my supervisor cares for us, that our big boss cares for us. it's really nice to feel that. i like my job. i like where i work, it's a really nice building. i really like the people i work with. no, unless i win the lottery, i don't want my job to change.
what? my finances? of course! i always dream of what it would be like to not have to worry about money. i see people all around me that spend money like they have it and i wonder what that would be like. would it make me happier to not have to buy generic all the time, or be able to tell my kids "Sure, we can buy that, throw it in the basket." would i be happy if i drove a car manufactured in this century? if i lived in a nicer place? if i could go on vacation and not have to debate on my mode of transportation or search for the cheapest hotel? of course. i have always wanted my money situation to change, so i don't think that is the change i am sensing. but then again maybe it is...i don't know! if it is, i'll take it as long as its a change for the better. i have been to the bottom and i never want to go back. if i have to be where i am for the rest of my life i'll take it as long as i never have to survive on less. that sucks. been there, done that, don't wanna do it again. but i would take change for the better.
i like where i live. its fairly quiet, its affordable, its convenient to work and shopping, etc. i have never really had the desire to own my own place. sure it would be nice to paint the walls a different color or have carpeting any other color than beige but those are pretty minor things. i would like a garage, but i would probably just have it so loaded with junk that i would still have to park my car outside. i really like where i live. there are lots of deer and bunny's and the ladies in the office are super nice. my neighbors pretty much mind their own business. i guess if i won the lottery i would move up in the world, but until then i'm good where i am.
my love life. yes, i said it. i know how people feel about that. everyone including the object of my affection says i deserve better. better then a man who loves me for everything that i am and has never tried to change me? better then a man who tells me everyday that he loves me and that his heart belongs to me? everyone says our relationship is wrong. love is wrong? i love him. he loves me. no one has ever looked at me the way he does. we have known each other for a long time and strangely enough we love each other more now then we did a year ago. i have tried to break us up deliberately. what more could i do then write to his wife and tell her everything??? i wrote to her CHURCH for crying out loud! & that letter i signed! i tried to break us up and we survived it. he has tried to break us up and we have survived it. he is my best friend. no one has ever understood me like he does. no one have ever tried to understand me like he does. he knows my stupid stories, he doesn't mind when i tell them over & over again like an Alzheimer's patient. he makes me laugh, me makes me cry. if i could ask god or the universe, whatever, for one wish it would be for him to be with me, for us to be together the way i know we deserve to be. that is the one thing i would change. i wouldn't change a thing about him. i would just change his situation to give him the opportunity to be with me, where he belongs. i wouldn't ask for millions or a hot body or a better nose or a mansion to live in or a fancy car or a flat screen TV....i would ask for him to be with me. that is the thing i would change if i could.
but is that the change i can feel coming? i don't know. i still can't put my finger on it. but i can feel it. something is going to be different. i am going to have money, or he and i are going to be together, or i am going to move but not just across town. maybe it will be something else. whatever it is, i can feel it. things are going to be different. in a good way, i can feel that too. how can i tell? because when i think about it, whatever it is, i smile. change is good.
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