knocked up

(disclaimer...before reading this, know that I love my children and do not regret my decision to have them on my own. that being said, i hope my kids make better, more thoughtful decisions and do it right, both for themselves and for their children.)

A young lady I love very dearly happily announced that she is going to be a mommy on facebook. That should be a wonderful occasion but to me it brought back memories that I hoped she would never have to live through. You see, she is unwed, has known the father for less then 3 months, is 19 years old, doesn't have a job, isn't in college, etc & so forth. She did graduate from high school so she has that going for her. Unfortunately that's about all she has going for her.

There is a show on television called Teen Mom (or something like that)...I have never watched it nor do I ever plan on watching it. I don't need to watch a "reality" show about what it's like to be a teenage mother, I lived it. While researching statistics I could present to my young friend I came across an article called "The Real Reality of Being a Teen Mom" written by Robyn Margulis on pressofatlanticcity.com that articulated very well what I feel is one of the main reasons why teen girls get knocked up* (besides the obvious). Here is what I believe is the most significant quote from the article:

"The reality T.V. exploitations have, indeed, included some heartfelt mothering moments that demonstrate the pure and dynamic bond between mother and child that is inevitable no matter what the age of the mother. What do you suppose is the result for those insecure teens whose existence is marked by loneliness and a lack of love?

When I was pregnant (as an adult), I remember feeling so special because of the way I was treated by others. For the entire nine months of both pregnancies I recall being treated with kid gloves by friends, family, and strangers who would constantly ask how I was feeling or whether I needed assistance.

Now imagine as a young, impressionable girl who has no support system, but an incessant sense of loneliness and feeling unloved. Suddenly, by becoming pregnant, your existence completely changes: Your friends are treating you like a porcelain doll; your boyfriend (hopefully, if he is still in the picture) is treating you like a queen; ... Heck yeah, where do I sign up?"

When I got knocked up at the age of 19, I too was a high school graduate, I had one year of college under my belt, I was enlisted in the Air Force...my future was mapped out for me. All that changed with a night of unprotected sex with a boy I thought I loved. Needless to say, we didn't get married, as a matter of fact I think the night he was planning to break up with me is the night I told him I was in trouble. Maybe 21 years ago it was different but I was so ashamed of myself, I remember crying and crying when I got the results of the pregnancy test. I was so scared, I had no idea what I was going to do. I was so terrified to tell my parents (my mother still believed that I was a virgin...things have sure changed in a couple decades). If there had been facebook when I was 19 I most certainly wouldn't be proudly proclaiming that I was going to be joining the ranks of unwed mothers living on welfare and other government assistance. I love my children so much and I am extremely proud of the man my son has grown to be, but having lived through it I know what kind of challenges she is going to face. If she could see into her future and the future of her unborn child, she would not be rejoicing, she would be panicking. She hasn't ruined her life but "her" life as she knows it is over. Everything that she does is going to be that much harder. Her idea of becoming a dental hygienist, while still possible, is going to be so much more difficult and stressful and will more then likely come 2nd to the baby. Her days of drinking and smoking and being a carefree young woman are over. Being able to do whatever you want whenever you want...kiss those days bye-bye my dear young friend.

I suppose my lectures are a wee bit too late since she is already knocked up. Her baby-daddy posted on facebook that she didn't plan this...I'm sorry boy-who-has-known-her-for-less-then-3-months, I'm afraid to tell you but yes, she did plan it. If a young unmarried woman isn't on the pill or some other sort of birth control, and is having unprotected sex with a boy she barely knows, she planned on getting knocked up. If you aren't trying to prevent an "unplanned pregnancy" by taking the proper precautions, you are planning to get pregnant. I can say this from experience. I look back on the dumb kid I was when I got knocked up with my son and I wasn't using protection, I wasn't on the pill, and I was having sex with a boy I barely knew. What the hell else did I think was going to happen? I had a driver's ed teacher a long time ago who said "Accidents don't happen. Somewhere along that road, someone did something, whether unintentional or not, that caused a collision". Accidental pregnancies don't happen. Wait, maybe they do: if a married woman who is taking birth control and whose husband uses a condom and pulls out gets pregnant, that's pretty close to being an accident. But they were still having sex! If you are an otherwise healthy person who hasn't had their tubes tied or their balls cut off, the only sure way to not get pregnant is to not have sex (immaculate conception doesn't count!).

I'm really sorry, but I just can't find it in me to congratulate the young couple on their upcoming bundle of joy. Nor can I rejoice in the amount of young girls that think having a baby is going to solve their loneliness and feelings of not being loved. Let me tell you from experience, when the friends are gone and the guy is gone and you're sitting in your subsidised apartment at 3 o'clock in the morning with a screaming baby, you will understand loneliness and feeling unloved. The only thing I can do is wish them luck. I hope they are as lucky as I am and their child grows up to be the kind of man my son is. I'm still working on my daughter, but with perseverance and strength I will show her that she is loved and it is ok and normal to feel lonely sometimes, and that she doesn't have to search outside of herself for anything, she has everything she needs inside. God help me, please.


*I'm sorry, but I try to reserve the term "pregnant" to women who are emotionally & financially stable enough to handle a baby, who are either in a committed relationship or have planned to have a baby on their own because the relationship thing never panned out, knowing full well the difficulty they will face raising a child by themselves. when you have unprotected sex and find yourself missing your period as a result, you're knocked up.