How is it that I have lost all hope of ever having the kind of life with him (or anyone else) that I have dreamt of for so long, yet I am so completely incapable of letting go?
He still has hope: hope of a life with me, hope of being in each other's lives, hope of sharing our love and our hearts with each other from now until the end of time. Is he full of shit, am I stupid for believing him, or does he really love me and dreams of being with me, somehow, someday, even if its 9-10 years from now when his youngest daughter graduates high school and he can feel free to leave his wife (or be released from his prison, as he states it)?
I'm not stupid & I truly do not believe he is full of shit. I have been involved with men where I have been fooled at the beginning but have eventually recognized them for what kind of men they truly were, whether that be abusive, lazy, a drug addict, a leech, a player or straight-up asshole. It is when that recognition finally takes place that I have been able to let go & walk away without the slightest glance back and been able to look forward to the future. In the past, while involved with a man I have always found other men interesting, attractive, tempting, sexy, etc. I have had moments of temptation and weakness where it would have been very easy to cheat on the man I was involved with. I have flirted with other men, I have even kissed other men while being in a relationship. I have never gone so far as to sleep with someone while committed to someone else, but the thought has definitely crossed my mind.
Since we met, none of these things have happened to me. I have found other men interesting but only mildly. I had a bit of a crush on a coworker who had a nice ass but when I realized that's ALL he had the crush ended. I have noticed very attractive, sexy men (I'm not DEAD) but none have been as attractive or sexy to me as he is. I have heard lines in poems and songs and romantic movies that say, "when we met there was suddenly no one else for me" but I could never relate to that. Now I can.
I wish I was just being stupid. I wish I could tell that he was being dishonest or manipulative. I wish he was using me. If he was, eventually I would realize that and I would tell him where to go, I would move on without a look behind me and I would start looking forward to the future. The only future I see is one with him in it. I can't see a future without him. When I try all I see is a snowy screen with white noise.
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In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments. ~Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human, 1878
In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
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