Jealousy is a bitch!

I am really a jealous little bitch sometimes.

I'm jealous of skinny girls.
I'm jealous of people in "normal" relationships.
I'm jealous of people who can afford the things that I cannot.
I'm jealous of people who have cable.
I'm jealous of people who are laughing and having a good time while I am all grouchy and cranky and pissy.
I'm jealous of my dog, well, because he's a dog!
I'm jealous of my brothers and their seemingly perfect lives.
I'm jealous of girls who get out of one relationship and are immediately in another.
I'm jealous of people who are either engaged, married, & yes, divorced because if they are divorced at least someone, at one time, found them worthy of marrying.

I'm sure I could go on & on.

Jealousy is insidious and sometimes, for me, it is one of the most difficult feelings to fight. Please don't confuse my feelings of jealousy with hate. I don't like the word "hate", I try very hard not to express that particular feeling toward anything or anyone. I may say, "I hate that..." but that's just a knee-jerk reaction. When I take a close look at what I said I hated, I see that I don't really "hate" it, it was just my other emotions expressing themselves. Hate is much easier for me to let go of than jealousy. Most of the people that I find myself feeling jealous over I absolutely love with all my heart & soul! That's probably why it bothers me so much when I come face to face with the fact that my thoughts and feelings that I have been so confused about are based in jealousy.

The last few months I have been angry, irritable, moody, lazy, uncaring, feeling rather defeated, etc & so forth. I was wondering if maybe I needed to go to the Dr. & get some prescription help because I haven't been able to snap myself out of this pile of crap I'm in. I have been travelling down the path of self-discovery for a very long time. I have read just about every book about self-love and spirituality, the power of positive thoughts, & the power of attraction. I remember what it was like to read "Conversations With God" the first time and how much I cried because I thought, "This is IT!!! This is the answer to ALL the questions I have ever had!" When that feeling faded I read "Return to Love" & felt all those feelings again. When those feelings faded I read some other book about something positive & self-helpy, maybe that was the Quantum Physics phase, or maybe it was "The Secret". I'm not sure. Now it seems everyone around me is discovering all the feelings that I discovered for myself 10 years ago, and I'm friggin jealous of them! They are quoting wonderfully positive things to each other and telling everyone they see how beautiful & amazing & wonderful they are and I want to throw up. The BIG green monster of jealousy is rearing its ugly head and trying to knock me off the path, it is holding me back so I am eating the dust of those around me that have found the path and are charging down it like Spartans. The only thing is, until this morning, I had no idea why I was so irritated by them, why all the wonderful, kind, positive things that they are saying was bothering me so much. I have said ALL those things, to myself and to friends & family in trying to encourage them to join me on my path to a more positive, enlightened me. But dude, seriously, omg, hearing it every day has been seriously getting under my skin!

See what I mean when I say I'm a jealous little bitch sometimes?

Jealousy robs us of our selves. It blocks the positive energy that is being sent to us from others. It makes our perception of things so distorted that we can't tell what is real & what is just a figment of our imagination. It tries to make us look outside ourselves for reasons as to why our life sucks, it tries to find blame in everyone other then ourselves. It looks at only the negative in life. It does everything it can to keep us from seeing anything positive about anything! Jealousy is a product of the ego, and the ego is a conniving, ugly, blameless, selfish little shit that desires nothing but for us to remain miserable, angry and empty, all under the guise of pride and self-preservation. Jealousy truly is a monster, but it is a monster that can be defeated. The secret weapon is simply facing it.

This morning all I could think about was how irritated I was at just about everything. I can't even put my finger on the moment I realized that I was feeling jealous. It was so subtle, almost like a whisper in my ear. That little whisper was just enough because I see it now, and while I am not fully released from its grasp, I know what I need to do. I see you, you little green jerk. I recognize you, I know what you are doing. It's cute how hard you try to destroy me, but you can't! I hope you enjoyed the party, cuz it's over now. I know you'll be back, so until we meet again, I don't need you anymore.

my conversation with "God"

Dear God, it's me Nancy...oh wait, sorry, Judy Blume already did that.

Yo, dude, are you still up there? Nah, that only works when I'm rocking the ghange (which i NEVER do!) Holy crap, was that thunder I just heard???

God, I have a few questions for you if you have a minute or two...

For you, I have 10 minutes.

Gee, thanks.

You're welcome!

Whatever. So, what the hell?

Is that you're first question?

No! Jesus!

He's not here, he's busy whispering funny shit into people's ears to see what they do.

Wow. So look, I've been feeling very frustrated lately, feeling alot of anger. Not at anyone in particular, just a general sense of anger...

And frustration?

Yes. Frustration.

Hey, I thought you didn't believe in me? Why are you coming to me with this now? You don't talk to me when things are going well, why do you only come to me when you're feeling frustrated?

I'm sorry, shit! I still don't necessarily believe in you, I just need someone to talk to. If you don't want to, whatever. But I thought you were supposed to be my FATHER. Isn't that the way it goes between parents & their kids, the kids only call when things go sour?

Yes, yes. I was just being a douche. Sorry. I am here for you whether you believe in me or not. I believe in YOU!

Dude, I'm not here for a Positive Energy Pep Talk.

Go on, I'm listening. No more pep talk. You are angry & frustrated. What's going on in your life that could be making you feel this way?

I don't know. If I knew I wouldn't be here talking to you, would I?

Hey chick, you came to me! I'm just trying to help!

I know, I'm sorry! See what I mean? I'm turning into this ugly, heinous witch!
I think I am bored, but surely that can't be all of it. It's like, I'm finally in a stable time in my life, and it's boring me to tears!!!!

You are used to drama, fluctuation, ups & downs. You aren't used to calmness & serenity.

Right. I mean, I have a good job, a nice place to live that I can actually afford, I have a good reliable car, Taylor has been behaving herself (knock on wood!!), Fletcher & I are getting along great, despite me trying to start fights...I may be living paycheck to paycheck but I am very grateful for that...I would LOVE more then anything to have money in savings and not be broke 2 days after getting paid but that never seems to happen...

So, I heard a couple of things there that maybe behind your frustration. Money is always a huge source of anger & frustration. Let me ask you this, you say you are trying to cause a fight between you and Fletcher. Why?

I don't know.

Really? I bet you do.

Because he's still fucking married & the stupid bitch won't leave & I can't fucking deal with it anymore yet I do, day after day after day after fucking day I sit back and wait for something, ANYTHING, to happen and nothing does! Every fucking day it's the same shit! What more do I have to do? I wrote the stupid bitch a fucking letter telling her everything and yet she's still there! He tells me he doesn't love her, that he's only there for his kids and yada yada yada, I don't believe him when he tells me he doesn't love her but I so badly WANT to believe him. I love him so goddamn much, he is everything, EVERYTHING I have ever wanted, everything I will EVER want in a man, yet he's unavailable, unattainable...I can't be with him the way I want to be despite me asking YOU to help me! You don't help me! You give that Jesus-loving freak bitch he's married to everything!!! She is the biggest hypocrite I have ever known yet she has everything I have ever wanted...she has him....

Wow...Ok. Tell me how you really feel why don't you.

I'm sorry. I'm just...

I know, frustrated.

God, I've tried. I have TRIED to leave him. It almost killed me. The thought of being without him is a thought I just cannot dare to let cross my mind. I tried. I don't want to go through it again. Can't you please just do something with her? Get rid of her? Send her on some frickin mission to some unholy land that needs saved? Better yet, help her pull her head out of her ass & make her take a good long look at herself and her "marriage" & her holier-than-thou Christian beliefs and tell her to leave him? Why is she still there? Why????

Why are you?

What?

Why are you still here? Why are you still in a relationship with a man who isn't going to leave his wife for you?

(silence)

Why should she leave him? Shouldn't he be the one leaving her for you? Look, I love you. You know I do. But I cannot control her, anymore then I can control you. She is choosing to stay married to a man that she knows is completely unfaithful to her just as you are choosing to stay in a relationship with a man who won't leave his wife to be with you. Despite popular opinion, I am not in charge of her. Her journey is her own, just as you journey is your own. Do I like that you are both ignoring me? Honestly, I couldn't care less. What you do with the information I provide you is entirely up to you. If I show you two paths, one that is happy & full of butterflies & gumdrops, & another that is dark & steep and rocky and full of screaming, crying banshees, & you choose the dark path, please don't come crying to me asking me "Why, oh why God have you forsaken me???". I forsake no one. Do you know why? Because I don't care!

What kind of bullshit is that, you don't care???

I love you no matter what you do. I am sorry that you continue to choose the hardest path there is, but that is YOUR choice. I love you no matter what you do. When you sit in your chair at night, watching TV & eating all the crap there is in your cabinets, I still love you. I try to show you as simply as I can that that isn't a healthy choice and it isn't going to make you happy, but you do it anyway. I still love you. When I show you in no uncertain terms that he isn't going to leave his wife to be with you, and she isn't going to leave him, and as long as you remain in a relationship with a married man you are going to feel alone and frustrated and angry, yet you continue to do that same thing and watch the years tick by, I still love you.

But he loves me.

Yes, yes he does. I can tell you that. He does love you. But you and I BOTH know that he loves HIMSELF more. Why do you think he won't let you go? Because you make him feel good! You make him happy! Why do you think he won't let her go? Because she makes him feel good. Being married to her makes him look good. He is so concerned with what everyone thinks, how he APPEARS to everyone that he is willing to do whatever he has to do to maintain that lie, and you my dear are part of it. I know you where in alot of pain last year when you tried to leave him. I know that the letter you wrote didn't do what you hoped it would do and now you feel lost, like you've given up. I'm sorry sweetie, but there is nothing I can do about that but try to show you, again, all the things you already know. Yes, if you choose to stay with him you will continue to feel frustrated, lonely, angry, but you will still have him & his love in your life. Yes, if you choose to leave him you are going to hurt, you are going to cry, you are going to question why you have to go through all of this, you are going to question why you can't be with the man of your dreams. But I am telling you, and I know you don't believe me, but I am telling you that if you leave him you will be ok. You will get through the hard part and you will be ok. I am not a fortune teller and frankly I don't care about the future. I am eternal, the future isn't a big deal for me, so I can't see if you are going to meet someone who will be able to dedicate his life to you, someone you can spend the rest of you life with. But what I can tell you is that if you choose to leave him you will feel better about yourself.

I can't. The pain I feel just thinking about it....I can't!

If you can't bear the pain that comes from leaving him, then learn to deal with the emotions that come from staying.

I've tried.

Well, if you have tried and still haven't figured out how to deal with them, maybe that is another little clue trying to tell you something. Why don't you people ever listen to me?

I do listen. I do. I just choose to ignore all your wonderful advice and do what I want. Why do I do that? I just don't understand....

Me either.

I love him. I feel loved BY him. Doesn't that count for anything?

Of course it does. Don't discount his love, it is real. But, and he can't help this, it is who he is, as real as the love he feels for you is, he will ALWAYS put himself first. Always.

I wish I could.

You can.

God, why? Why did I meet him, fall in love with him, start having all these hopes & dreams about him...all when you knew I could never truly be with him the way I want to? Why?

Sometime I bring someone into your life to help you make your way out of the darkness that you are in. When you met him you were in darkness and you needed help out. When I showed you the signs that it wasn't meant to be long term, you ignored them. When I sent more signs, and more signs, and more signs, you ignored ALL of them. It is not my responsibility that you stayed past the time I thought you needed him. You needed a life preserver to get you out of the deep...you are in shallow water now, just put your feet down and you will see that you can let go.

No.

Ok, then don't.

I can't!

Yes, you can. There is NOTHING that you can't do. You can do ANYTHING.

Can I fly?

No. Shut up.



I'm sorry sweetie, but it's up to you. I love you, I don't care what you do. I hate to see you hurting, but there is nothing I can do about it. When I came up with this big plan, I thought to myself that as long as the many many pieces of me know that they are part of the whole and that they are truly loved, they will be fine, they will be happy, they will flourish and know heaven in their lives. It hasn't worked out as well as I'd hoped. But I do love you, no matter what.

I know. Thank you.

Hang in there. I'm always here when you need to talk.

When am I gonna win the lottery?

When's the last time you bought a lottery ticket???

Yeah...I gotta go. Thanks for listening. I love you too.

Screw Realization...

I was in my bathroom this morning getting ready to do my hair. I wasn't even really thinking about it, just unconsciously putting it up into sections so I could flatiron the wild & crazy waves out of it. As I was clipping up a large section, I heard footsteps in the entryway of my apartment and my heart instantly skipped a beat. "Could it be him?" I thought to myself, knowing full well that it wasn't. As I heard my neighbor's door open then close I could feel the strange yet oh-so-familiar combination of disappointment and full-knowing settle into me. Thoughts started running through my head, thoughts of times that he HAD come to visit me in the morning as I was getting ready for work, thoughts of the times that I foolishly allowed myself to hope that he would show up, thoughts of "Why do you do this to yourself?"...so many thoughts, all in the matter of a few seconds (thoughts are amazing that way, aren't they?) In the meantime I was still unconsciously separating my hair so I could flatiron the wild & crazy waves out of it. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, actually made eye-contact with the reflection of the stranger staring back at me.
"You've given up" is what the eyes of this stranger were saying to me. "You've settled."
I didn't even try to put up an argument of denial. I put my hands down and the tears started to fall as the realization that this stranger that was staring at me through my mirror was right. I have given up, I have settled.

My mom was first diagnosed with cancer in 1988. I was there from the moment she first heard the news until the day she died, and for many years after that. I watched her fight, I saw her beat it, twice, then I saw her give up as it came back for the third and final time. My brothers would argue with me, saying "You weren't in her head, you don't KNOW that she gave up." I love my brothers so much, but I was there and I know that my mom gave up. Here is the but: I don't think she knew that she was giving up. It was an unconscious thing. She didn't literally pick up a white flag and wave it over her head and say "Cancer, you win, I surrender." It was an unconscious act, probably caused from exhaustion and pain. That part I don't know, I will never know. I only know what I saw, and I saw my mom give up. She passed away shortly there after, no longer suffering, peacefully resting.

In November I gave up. By then I had been fighting the fight for 7 plus years. I was determined to win, I had sacrificed so much already that there was no way I was just going to walk away! I had become a bit desperate and did something I said I would never do, I set out to intentionally hurt the man that I loved. It was a choice that I made hoping that 1 of 2 things would happen: either his marriage would be over and we would be together or OUR relationship would be over and I could move on (I tried not to think about the 3rd thing that could happen, his marriage ending and OUR relationship ending). At first the contacts from me to her friends and family were anonymous. There was the messages to her friend, those didn't work. Then I called her mom, she wouldn't hear of it. Then I tried to strike at the heart of her, I messaged her church. Nothing! Don't these people care about her AT ALL? is what I was thinking as my plans to make her fully aware of her husband's affair failed over and over. Then, out of pure desperateness, I wrote her a letter, an anonymous letter (I was still trying to protect myself from the fallout). The letter told her everything, most of which she already knew. When he called me to tell me she had received a letter and read it while sitting on the couch next to him as they sorted through their mail together, my pulse began to race. I tried to lie to him, to pretend it wasn't me, but let me tell you, I can't lie to save my life! He could tell it was me, though I didn't come right out & say it yet. What I did do was wonder why the hell she hadn't packed her bags & told him to fuck off. Isn't that what most women would do? Why was she still there? Why wasn't he on his way to me to tell me she had filed for divorce, kicked his ass out of the house or at the very least, left to go to her mothers??? What the hell? The bomb had gone off, why wasn't their marriage tumbling from the explosion? Feeling as if I had failed again, I had one last bomb left, so I set the timer and waited. I emailed her church, again, this time I signed my name. This would surely do it, I thought. How could she stay married to a man when everyone in her holier-than-thou place of worship KNEW her husband was an evil adulterer?

My plans worked and WE broke up. She was talking to a lawyer which forced him to do the same thing, and I told him I wasn't going to do it anymore: it was her or it was me. I was so strong! For about 30 seconds. Then MY world started to fall apart. I thought I was far enough away from the explosion to survive without damage, but I collapsed. I had never felt so much pain in my life, not even when my mom died. Every beat of my heart was complete torture. Every thought in my head was "When is he going to come to me and say, She's gone and we can be together?" I have never felt the kind of heartache I felt in those weeks, and I just wanted the pain to stop. The thought of a life without him was more then I could bare. When he showed up on my doorstep, wanting to talk, and he looked so sad and alone, and I felt his arms around me...no, he wasn't leaving her to be with me, but there he was, he was there WITH me! He loved me, he missed me, he was aching and hurting and he was sorry...I didn't want to hurt anymore...

I gave up.

It was an semi-conscious thing. I didn't pick up a white flag and say YOU WIN! I GIVE UP! No, it was more of a, well, I'm not really sure what it was. I guess I saw two paths ahead of me. One path was dark and lonely, rocky and twisty and turny and completely frightening, I saw no signs of light whatsoever. All I saw was pain and tears and questions and more & more & more pain. Sounds fun, huh? On the 2nd path I saw more familiar sites. I saw love and warmth and yes, loneliness but the kind of loneliness I knew I could bare because I had been dealing with it for years. I saw great sex and laughter and exciting moments of stolen affection. I saw light at the end of the tunnel, granted yes, that light was very faint and very far away, but I could see it...or maybe it was a sunspot in my eye, I'm not too sure. But I convinced myself that it was the light I was looking for and it was worth waiting for. I took the nicer, easier, smoother path and left (or so I thought) that scary, horrible, lonely dark path behind me.

Have you ever gone on a long road trip? There are moments when you'll be driving along, maybe singing to the radio or having a deep conversation with your travel companion when all of a sudden you realize the road sucks. When the heck did it get bad? Was it at the last town, the last county, maybe it was at the state line? How could I not have noticed how crappy it had gotten? That's where I am right now. Doing my hair this morning and hearing those footsteps echoing through the stairwell leading to my apartment door, feeling the anticipation of seeing him, then feeling the instant disappointment when it was the neighbor making those footsteps that I so badly wanted to be his...that stranger in the mirror was me. It was the me who gave up. She had taken the easier path but hadn't realized that the path was changing, it had gone from smooth to rocky without her even noticing. The path was getting lonelier and lonelier the longer it got, and the light at the end wasn't so easy to see anymore. It had grown quite dim. That sad, lonely lady in the mirror was me.

Here's the thing about realization. It can be liberating, or it can be devastating. I am feeling a bit of both. Part of me wants to call him right now and tell him one last time, it's me or it's her. The other part of me knows how he will answer that and knows how much pain it will cause, and knows that I almost didn't survive and doesn't want to do it again. I know what I deserve. I know that most people see him as the devil, as the root of all my pain. I know most people can't stand him because they blame him for hurting me. I don't. I am responsible for my choices. I have chosen to stay with a man who has loved me more then any other man has ever loved me. I have made the choice to stay with a man who has never tried to change me, who has never told me I was too fat or too stupid or incapable of doing something. I have stayed with a man who has shown me the kind of love that most people only dream of...yes, he's married. That's the big bummer of it all. Other then that little bitty detail he is the complete and utter man of my dreams. He is my best friend. When I separate myself from him I feel incomplete (I know the new-age crap that no other person will ever complete us, only WE can complete ourselves (i've said it to friends)...not so true folks, not so true). When I am without him, I am hollow. So, having this grand realization this morning has really done nothing for me other then make me hurt. So fuck you Realization! I would rather be the ostrich with my head in the sand! I don't want to go back to that dark path, the path full of pain and loneliness and heartache and tears! I want it to go back to the way it was! Sure, yes, it fucking sucks feeling like 2nd place and only getting to spend an hour or so at a time once in while with the man I love, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, the man I see when I look at wedding dresses and the man I think about 24/7! Yes, it bites ass that he feels like he's in prison, that he wants to be with me but feels like he has to stay married to her because he doesn't want to put his two youngest children through a divorce like his older children have all been through and that he thinks about me 24/7 and wants to be with me and can't wait until we can start our lives together (yes, I do believe him! I believe him because I want to believe him!). Hating her because she has everything I want and feeling like she doesn't deserve to have it, that is an awful feeling but if I have to put up with feeling like that to have him in my life, then that's what I want to do! But noooo, goddamn Realization has to springs if friggin head and make me look at things, make me see things differently...I don't want to! I can't go back to that pain...I won't survive....

So here I sit, on a Monday morning no less...at work, having to run a conference call and try to sound professional and confident when all I want to do is run away, somewhere so far away that no one would ever find me, including him. But alas I cannot. Life has a way of keeping us from running away, and it has a way of not allowing us to ignore the obvious. We can't bury our heads in the sand because we'll suffocate. We can't give up...if we give up we die.

I push my fingers into my eyes!

This rage has a familiar feeling. I thought I had left it behind, I hoped that I would never feel it again. But here it is, boiling up, trying to make me do something or say something that I will regret, trying to make me fall into the hate that it is harboring. Hate is such an easy emotion to fall into. I have almost lost myself to it before. I can't allow that to happen again.

I fought hard to be able to forgive. The hate and the rage built such a barrier to forgiveness that I never thought it could be breached. But it was, forgiveness prevailed. In it's patience and unending perseverance, forgiveness was able to reach my heart and destroy the hate and rage that had taken over.

Yet years later, the familiar rage is back and without notice it has dug its claws into my heart. The words "I hate her" are on the tip of my tongue, fighting like a pitbull to leave my lips in an utterance of ugliness and defeat. The person I was is trying to come back: the angry, frightened, self-destroying, self-alienating person that I was is welcoming the rage and the hate with open arms, waiting for an opportunity to resurface and destroy everything I have become. Why does it seem so easy to just let it happen? Why is hate so much easier then forgiveness and love?

I don't want to hate her. I forgave her for everything she had ever done to me. I left it behind like unclaimed baggage at the airport. I was able to find the love for her again, and it felt good, it felt right. I was happy! I didn't realize how much I missed her until she was in my life again. Now, in just a few short weeks, the love is quickly fading, being taken over by the rage & the hate that closed off my heart before. All the moments that I had forgiven are back, building blocks to the great wall of hate around my heart. I don't want to remember the pain from the past! I don't want to feel the pain that is taking place right now! Why does this have to happen? Why does history repeat itself?

This time I will recognize the hate & the rage for what it is: an emotional reaction to what I perceive is a wrong done to me. But if I calmly sit back and really think about it, what can be done to me that I didn't allow? I am responsible for my emotions, my feelings. If I allow the actions of another person to turn me into an angry monster, a person so full of hate and rage that the only thing I can do is destroy my relationships with everyone & everything, then that person has won, that person has all the power, I will be left powerless. I will not let that happen. Yes, there is anger and pain because I feel like I was used and betrayed by a person that I love, a person that I wanted so badly to love me back. What I need to do is not fight the emotion, but acknowledge it. There is this anger. There is this pain. There is this sense of loss, this sense of disappointment and rejection. These emotions are coming from the actions of another person, therefore they are mistaken. The emotions, not the other person! She made her choice for her life, the choice she believes is right for her. I made my choice, the choice that I feel is right for me. Those two choices are not even in the same universe. And that is ok. Her choice for herself truly has no bearing on my life. She didn't "do" anything to me that I didn't give her permission to do. Allowing emotions like hate and rage to take over my life would be a huge mistake, it would be something I was doing to myself.

I'm not quite ready to say that I forgive her. Actually, what is there to forgive? She is who she is, I knew that before I allowed her back into my life. All the signs showed me that she hadn't changed at all so I had no basis to think she had. So being surprised and hurt by actions that are completely typical of her is all on me. What I am going to do is stop worrying about it, stop pondering over what I could have done differently, accept the circumstances as just another day in the life, let it go and move on. If something comes up as a result of the steps I have already taken when I allowed myself to fall victim to the rage, then I will deal with it. I have taken back my power. I am in control of myself. She does not control me, she has no power over me. Good bye. (this is me turning around and not looking back).

I am a different person then i was, lets say 3-4 years ago

I've changed alot, especially over the last few years. The changes I see in myself could be attributed to age/maturity, or the sweet gentle guidance of my best friend, or maybe it's just me being really tired of the drama I was creating in my own life. I used to be very unforgiving, judgemental, had the attitude that I was always right and everyone else was wrong and why didn't everyone see it my way, and was a depressed, woah-is-me person who wasn't alot of fun to be around. I felt unjustly persecuted by everyone and blamed everyone else for my life, I in no way wanted to take responsibility for my own actions.
I am very different now. I don't feel persecuted. I don't blame anyone but myself when life gets difficult (I don't even BLAME myself anymore). I don't see the difficult parts in life as this insurmountable obstacle, I see them as challenges that are meant to be overcome. I forgive very easily, whether asked or not, including forgiving myself. I try very hard to not judge anyone and when I do find myself steering towards the judgemental side, I turn myself around and remember what it's like to be judged. I still get hurt when I think someone may not be on my side, but then I think to myself, Hey everyone is entitled to their opinion, thoughts, etc and what THEY feel has NOTHING to do with me & how I feel about MY life. I'm not depressed anymore. Sure I have days when I am sad, but those days are just that, maybe a day or two here & there with plenty of days when I am very happy...not day after day after day after day of sadness & deep, ridiculous emotional outbursts with no sign of the tears ever ending. So yes, I am very different then I was, let's say 3-4 years ago.
There are people out there that I have forgiven that have no idea that I have forgiven them as they never asked for my forgiveness. I think what it is, more then "You are Forgiven!" is a deep sense of love for myself and realizing that the pain I may have felt in the past from what I perceived to be hurtful actions on the others part is over and today is a new day and I don't want to waste anymore time "hating" someone. Hate is a very ugly, ugly emotion and it can tear a person apart from the inside out. I don't hate anyone anymore, not for a long period of time anyway. There is always that initial "God Dammit I fucking HATE YOU!" emotion, but now I have learned to accept that emotion, feel it, acknowledge it, then let it go. I just can't hang on to that ugliness anymore.
I have felt that recently. I have felt unappreciated, unthanked, uncared for, etc. Alot of "un"s. I have felt anger and regret in allowing someone back into my life that had hurt me before (no, it's not the person you all are thinking about, sorry!), and I have felt just plain pissed off! The difference between, let's say 3-4 years ago, and today is a couple days later I have released my anger, my pain, my fear, and I wish nothing but the best for this person that I love very much. And another difference from let's say 3-4 years ago and now, I am not gonna make a big deal out of it. I was so very into drama in the past, I had to get as many people involved as possible, I had to drag unwilling participants into my drama and make sure that they were on my side. Not anymore. I have a very quiet, peaceful life now & I really enjoy it. I find it much easier to let go of the drama of the past. Instead of making a huge thing of something, I write about it in a blog that not a whole lot of people read (thank you to those that do! love ya!), I acknowledge the pain and the fear and the anger that I felt, and I let it go. Time to move on.

I love this person. With all my heart. And I wish nothing but the absolute best for them. We have different ideas about life, we have much different views on right & wrong, but ya know, differences make the world a very interesting place. My life is calm, quiet, peaceful...and I like it that way. Having that peacefulness shook up a little makes me appreciate it so much more, and for that I am very grateful.

Here's to unspoken forgiveness and letting go of the past. It's amazing how much different I am since I've learned (am still learning) to do this. It turns a frown upside down!

Arnold's not a bad man, he's just a man!

Don't be mad at Arnold. He isn't the first man to a) cheat on his wife or b) make a "love" child with the other woman.

I think Maria was right to leave. She should. She married a man who promised to be faithful to her and he broke that promise. She shows a great deal of strength and self-respect by leaving him. She shows that she will not tolerate a husband that committed adultery and fathered a baby with another woman, a woman that she knew personally. Maria is doing what is right for HER.

Unfortunately Arnold and Maria aren't the first couple in history to go through this. It's not just a Hollywood thing, or a Politics-as-usual thing. It's a human thing. It happens in small town America. Man meets woman, woman gets pregnant, man marries her, man meets another woman, one that he would rather be with but feels obligated to stay with the first woman because she is his baby-mama, 2nd woman gets pregnant at the same time that the wife is preggers with their 2nd child, man tries everything he can to keep it a secret but the secret always comes out (usually in about 9 months)...happens more then you think. It's when the first woman finds out about the 2nd woman and the "love-child" with her husband yet STAYS MARRIED to him that I lose my sympathy for her. I feel for Maria. She is a public figure, a member of one of the most public families in America, and her action-star-turned-governator hubby fucked the help behind her back & the idiot was too stupid to use birth control and now there is this poor kid that is going to grow up with the stigma of being Arnies illegitimate spawn of his carnal lust. Leave his dumb ass Maria! Show the women of the world that we don't have to "stand by our man". Women who stay with men who show a very clear history of cheating on their wives deserve to be married to a man who cheats on her.
You all know my story. I am deeply, down to the very core of me, in love with a married man. Yeah, being in love with a man who shows a very clear history of cheating on woman is probably not the smartest thing for me to do, and if he cheats on me I won't be surprised at all. The difference between me & let's say Maria Schriver...I knew from the moment I decided to move forward with my relationship with him that he is a cheater. He told me. He never promised to be faithful to me. He never said, I will only love you and have sex with you for the rest of my life. He told me: I love women, I love sex, I love having sex with women whether I am married to them or not, whether they are married to me or not...he told me I'll probably cheat on you. I can't imagine that any of those words were in Arnold's wedding vows to Maria, nor were they in my love's wedding vows to this wife. I am not the first woman he has cheated with, and I am not the first affair that his wife has known about. So no, I have no sympathy for her. Granted, yes, she thought he would be faithful based on HIS promises to her. But after the first time he broke that promise...come on lady, grow a pair and do what Maria did! Leave the dumb ass! When I am with your husband do you think I feel even an ounce of guilt? Uh, NOPE! He cheated on you from the beginning, he continues to cheat on you, I can tell you that I am pretty positive he has cheated on me, you knew about the first girl, & the 2nd, you know about me, you've known about me for years...yet you continue to play the martyr and try to get sympathy from people as the "poor wife". You're weak. You have no idea the strength you have inside you. You are a WOMAN!!!! Fucking be one! Stop being this little crybaby, desperately clinging to him because you are afraid you won't be able to do a sufficient job raising your children without him. Stop letting him use "the children" as a way to keep you from leaving. If you want to be married to a man that will honor his promise of fidelity to you, find one, cuz your current hubby ain't that man!
I don't think all people can be monogamous. Of course some can. But let's look at "relationships" a little differently. A coin has two sides. There is the yin & the yang for everything. When you face North, your ass faces South. So, for every person that can honestly say they can spend their whole life only having sex with that "one special person" and be completely happy, there is another person who cannot. Until we learn to accept that about each other, there will be affairs and illegitimate kids and broken marriages. If you marry someone with the thought that that person feels the same as you and you think they are going to only have sex with you for the rest of their life, and they don't turn out that way, find someone who thinks and feels the same as you. Don't think that the person who showed his/her true colors to you is going to change. We lie to each other all the time. How many people are going to stay with someone who says "I am going to cheat on you"? Besides me, I don't know anyone. So he lied to you. The lie was making you think he felt the same, the lie was not telling you that he likes to have sex with women, lots of women, the lie was not giving you all the information you needed to make an informed decision. He didn't give you all the information because he knew you wouldn't accept it about him, he knew you would try to change him, so to avoid all that he kept that very vital information to himself. Was that fair? No. Should he have told you about it? Yes! He gave me all that information and I processed it, and made an informed decision to stay with a man that I know is admittedly NOT a faithful person. Arnold lied to Maria, Maria found out about that lie and made an informed decision to not put up with that bullshit and she left him. If you don't like the way if feels when you are told again and again that your husband is cheating on you, LEAVE! If you can't accept him for what he is, stop trying to force him into being something he isn't and leave. Show the world that you are strong like Maria. Show your daughter that you have standards and won't put up with anything less. Show your son that the values you hold strong are true and real, not just things you say on Sunday at church. Show yourself that you want a man who WILL be faithful and won't be with someone who can't be faithful.
I love a man who won't be faithful to me, and I accept that about him. I know that while I can picture myself not being with anyone else for the rest of my life, he isn't the same. That doesn't mean he doesn't love me. That just means I love him enough to accept him as he is, and he loves me enough to be completely honest with me, not afraid to tell me that he isn't a monogamous person. Not all of us are, and until society accepts that, Arnie & Maria will continue to happen again and again.

finding the motivation to be healthy

I've done it again. I gained 10 pounds & haven't worked out since the middle of January. I just got done eating scrambled eggs & hash browns with a massive serving of green chili on top knowing full well that I am going to feel like shit in a little bit, my stomach is going to be full and uncomfortable, I am going to be burping it up all damn day, and I am going to hate myself for eating it. What the heck?

Is motivation in the gene's? How do some people find their motivation and stick with it? Just speaking for myself, if I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to "lose weight for", I can't seem to find the motivation to get off the couch & take a walk or go workout, or put down the fork and push away from the table before I am so full that I am sick. Just a small example, I am hoping to go to Las Vegas in July. I haven't paid for the trip yet, it's still just a hope right now. But I can already tell you that the minute I get my confirmation # I will be running to the gym to get on that elliptical because then, and only then, will I actually have something to motivate me. As I sit here writing this I know how stupid that is! Yet am I gonna lie and say I have every intention to go work out tonight because it's Wednesday? Nope. I know I should, I know it is the right thing, the healthy thing to do. I know that if I go work out I will feel much better about myself. I know that when I lose weight my self-confidence goes up, I have more energy, I sleep better, I feel better...everything is better. I know that if I go work out I will live longer and be less likely to be on a bunch of medications when I get older. If I work out I will feel less guilty about indulging once in a while in a little green chili. I KNOW these things!!! So why the hell isn't that enough? Why do I have to be looking forward to something in order to find any motivation? What do some people have that I don't?

I admire people that do things for themselves, that are self-motivators. I work with this guy, let's call him Mack, now HE is a serious self-motivator. He was a chubby thing at one time in his life but now through hard work and dedication to himself and his goals, he is like Chuck Norris! Funny thing is, he isn't conceited in any way. He is willing to help anyone who needs it. He gives suggestions and tells people what has helped him, but doesn't point fingers or make you feel bad if you are less then perfect. He cares about himself and his health and loves the way he looks and feels without being this plastic muscle-bound robot meathead. People like him amaze me. How do they do it? Where does it come from? And how do I find that in myself?


This "man" I was dating once told me, in the middle of you-know-what, that I was getting fat. Know what I told him? "I know". I didn't kick his stupid ass off me and tell him to go do what he was doing to me to himself. I just said "I know" then promptly went on a starvation diet. Another "man" told me "If you get down to 130 pounds I'll marry you". That did motivate me to start losing weight, but it was so I could tell him to go "marry" himself as soon as I reached HIS goal weight. We didn't last much longer then that, neither did my diet. Today I have a man in my life who tells me everyday how beautiful I am, whether I am fat or PHAT. I will say to him, "I am getting fat again" and squeeze my rolls around my midsection, and he will gently caress them and say "Hey, I love your love handles!". I wish that was enough to make me feel good about myself. He has helped me look at myself and see the beauty he sees. He has helped me be not as hard on myself. But somehow he hasn't been able to help me find the motivation and dedication it takes to stick with a healthy diet and workout routine, his incredible love hasn't helped me change my lifestyle. I know that has to come from within. I know I have to figure that out for myself. That is the hard part. Looking inside ourselves is one of the hardest things to do.

Do I really, REALLY want to open those doors, peer into those dark closets that have been locked away in the creepy cellar of my self-conscious for so long, or do I just want to stay on this roller coaster of weight loss & weight gain, self love & self loathing? I used to think the easy path would be to continue riding the roller coaster of an unhealthy lifestyle, blaming everyone and everything for my fat ass and muffin top, not taking responsibility for MY actions or lack there of. I am beginning to see that that path, while seeming easy from the surface, is filled with super steep hills and very deep valleys that are getting harder and harder to negotiate. Maybe the truly easy path would be to throw open those closet doors and shed some light on the bs inside. In order to be able to live my life to the fullest and have a happy future, I need to sort through the crap from the past, let it go and move on. I'll never be able to find my motivation if I don't figure out what's holding me back. I'll never be able to keep looking amazing and feeling amazing until I figure out what is making me feel guilty about feeling good.

inception

i just watched Inception and my mind is blown! i know i'm a little late, lots and lots of people have already watched it. but i just watched it and my mind is blown.

i can't tell you how many times i have WISHED that i could put just the tiniest little thought into another persons head. nothing harmful...ok, well most of the time nothing harmful. just the hint of an idea; for example i wish to god that i could put the idea of divorce into her mind, enough of an idea to make her take action and not just think about it. i have wished i could get into that thick frickin head of hers and show her the things he and i do to each other, the way he tells me he loves me, the words he uses to describe his marriage: prison, life sentence with a chance of parole in 10-12 years, a mistake...i have dreamt over and over about her seeing us together so that she would finally choose to leave him because she would have the proof she needs, she would KNOW. how many times have i wished i could get into a guys head and make him believe that he was meant to be with me, that i was the perfect woman for him (i'm pretty thankful that that dream hasn't come true). how many times have i thought, "this absolutely cannot be my reality...this sucks! this HAS to be a dream!" only to realize that yup, this suck ass shit is my reality. the same goes for the wonderful times; as i am laying in his arms and looking at his amazing face the thought always crosses my mind "i am dreaming right now. it is an incredible dream, it feels so real, i can hear his heartbeat and feel the warmth of his breath on my neck, but as real as it seems it has to be a dream". its when he gets up and has to leave that i realize that i hadn't been dreaming, he REALLY was holding me in his arms and whispering my name.

i feel sorry for people that have such a strong foothold in reality that they can't seem to lose themselves in their dreams, or are so afraid of losing a dream-like moment when the reality returns that they can't allow themselves to just sit back and enjoy the moment for what it is. sometimes dreams are so much better then reality, but some moments in life are so incredible that they beat anything we could have ever dreamed. i believe that if something can be dreamt of or thought of then it is possible. imagine if the concept of Inception was possible...blows my frickin mind! it makes me wanna go to sleep right now and dream about planting that little seed into her head, or just dream about my life with him. either one works for me.

catch-22

"A Catch-22, coined by Joseph Heller in his novel Catch-22, is a logical paradox arising from a situation in which an individual needs something that can only be acquired by not being in that very situation; therefore, the acquisition of this thing becomes logically impossible. Catch-22s are often spoken with regard to rules, regulations, procedures, or situations in which one has knowledge of being or becoming a victim but has no control over it occurring.Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/catch-22#ixzz1HucyluDi".

i don't see myself as a victim. i am responsible for my choices and actions. i am lonely because i stay with a man who can't be with me the way i wish he could be with me, but that loneliness is very small in comparison to the pain i feel when i try to leave him. today i am blue because i spent time with him this weekend. i love spending time with him yet spending time with him makes the time i am apart from him more difficult.

i crave spending time with him. when i do get to spend time with him my mind is preoccupied with the moment that the time we are spending together will end. after spending time with him i miss him more then i did before, therefore needing to spend more time with him.

everyday i choose to be in a situation that is painful for me. i choose to stay in a relationship with a man that can't be with me the way i wish he could because he chooses to stay in a marriage that, according to what he tells me, he feels is a prison in order to save his children from the pain of a divorce. i try to tell him that i could make him happy, that a life with me doesn't mean a life without his children and that if we were together i would do everything i could to make sure his life with his children didn't change. his point of view is a life with me means a life separated from his children. he knows he would be happy with me and wants a life with me but he would be unhappy because he thinks he would be without his kids. he stays married to a woman he doesn't want to be married to because he wants his children to be happy, which makes him happy. he stays in a relationship with me because he loves me and being with me makes him happy. being without his children makes him miserable. being without me makes him miserable. being with him this way makes me miserable. being without him makes me miserable.

when i listen to my brain and i break up with him with the idea that i will move on and find a man who can be with me the way i wish he could be with me, i am so completely miserable that i find it difficult to breath, to be alive. somedays i can deal with it just fine. somedays i find it an impossible situation. somedays i think, a little patience is all i need and someday my loyalty and love will be rewarded with a life with him. somedays i think, what a crock of shit! somedays i want to grab her by the neck and tell her, "you stupid bitch! he fucks me as often as he can, he tells me he can't wait until the day he can divorce you, he tells me he dreams of being married to me, he calls you a vindictive bitch that would ruin his life at the first opportunity you have!" somedays i want to hear her side of it, i want to hear the bs he tells her to keep her around, is the same sort of bs he tells me to keep me around? somedays i just want to win the lottery and move as far away from here as i can, a place where no one knows me and he will never find me. somedays i want her to do the same thing so i can have him to myself.

everyday i love him. somedays i wish i didn't...but i still do.

sorry about springin that on you

i hope it's not too late for me to retrain my daughter to NOT talk about every single thing that is going on in her life. I for years have had that very bad habit and now I am starting to regret it. You see, when you talk and talk and talk to your friends and family about how much it hurts to be in love with someone you can't be with the way everyone thinks is normal and acceptable, don't be upset with the reaction you get when you show up with that person at a party.

To my friends, I'm sorry. I know it upset you. It's my fault. You only know what i have told you and unfortunately most of what i have told you has been painful. it's hard for me to talk about how wonderful i feel when i'm with him, how loved i feel, how safe, how wanted, how accepted, how complete i feel when i'm with him. i know what i've done by only talking about the hard times. i've made him into some sort of evil, ugly asshole. my blabber mouth has turned the man i love into someone that my friends and family hate.

this really sucks. i am such a jackass for putting people i care about into an awkward, uncomfortable situation. for that i am so sorry to everyone involved.

thank you for caring enough about me to be pissed at me for showing up with someone that i have cried on your shoulder about. and thank you for trying your best to be decent to him and for not stabbing him in the eye. i really appreciate that!

i love him. for that i am not sorry. sometimes in life unconventional relationships form. while i can't be with him the way society and my friends and family want me to be, i would rather be with him this way then be without him. the times that i have cut him out of my life i have felt like i was going to die. i am not just sad over a breakup. i want to stop living. the pain of being separated from him is unbearable. the pain of having the sort of relationship that we have pales at the way i feel when we leave each other. if others could experience the way i feel when his hand is in mine, maybe they would understand why i can't just move on. there is no moving on from that feeling. there is no moving on from love.

i choose to be a debbie-downer sometimes!

i woke up feeling quite sorry for myself. it's payday and instead of being happy that i have a job that pays me a decent wage, i was sad because after paying my bills and setting aside money for gas i have basically nothing left. all i could think of was having no money for the next two weeks and how sick and tired i am of living paycheck to paycheck, and feeling jealous of those who don't have to worry about money week after week, and wondering what it would feel like to be those people. i do realize that there are much less fortunate people than I am and I am very lucky to have a good job and a nice apartment and a car that runs and most months I am able to pay my bills on time, blah blah blah. i do know that i should be thankful instead of feeling sorry for myself. i know this. as i sat at my desk at work pondering why i am concentrating so hard on what i don't have instead of the things i DO have, a light bulb went off over my head: i WANT to be sad right now. I don't feel like feeling thankful. I feel like feeling sorry for myself!

i have read so many self-help books on How to Be Happy! and they all say CHOOSE to be HAPPY! i completely understand that and i have even tried to explain it to others. there have been many times when i have purposefully chosen to be happy instead of fall into the trap of being a debbie-downer. its fucking hard! it is a very difficult thing to do. sometimes when life is hard and the world is closing in on me, it is sooooo much easier to just say Screw You Happiness, you ain't takin me this time! i CHOOSE to feel sorry for myself and you ain't gonna make me see the good things in my life! Nope, ain't gonna do it! and there i stand with my eyes squeezed shut and my arms crossed in defiance as the good in life dances all around me. what a schmuck!

ya know, it really is that easy. it is a choice. happiness or sadness, appreciation or taking things for granted, love or hate, taking responsibility for our actions or blaming others...all these are choices that we make everyday. whose fault is it that i am broke 2 minutes after getting paid? i can waste a bunch of time trying to find someone to blame, or i can take a look at myself and very quickly acknowledge that I AM responsible for my poor money management. yeah, its gonna be rough the next couple weeks and it's gonna be slim pickins at the craig house, but i most certainly am not going to starve to death. i could stand to lose a few more pounds anyway! i realized that i have been choosing to be sad, i have very stubbornly been refusing to see the good things i have, i have deliberately been making mountains out of the mole hills in my life. i have WANTED to see myself as broke and less fortunate and i have bathed in the green light of jealousy, allowing it to swallow me whole. It's been a conscious choice.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it's a friggin pain in the ass. i am not a self-help guru and i'm not going to tell everyone it's sooo easy to see things differently. i can just speak for myself. it's very easy for me to see things differently. most of the time life is pretty incredible! most of the time it's an amazing ride with so many incredible sites to see and things to experience. sure, i am lacking in money, but my life is full of so much abundance in lots of other areas. at any moment i can choose to see my abundance and say Thank You Life for what you have given me. alright, dammit! i guess i will! sheesh, a person can't even be negative anymore without that annoying positive voice whispering that it's gonna be alright. Fine, whatever, it's gonna be alright! i hope you're happy now!

lol ;-)

can't put my finger on ti

i can't put my finger on it. there is this sense that something is coming, some sort of change. it isn't scary, other then i can't put my finger on it. it isn't a feeling a dread. it just feels like things are going to be different. different. different.

things have been the same for a while. life has gotten better, but it has been essentially the same for a long time. i work. i love. i come home. sometimes i work out. i pay my bills the best i can. sometimes i blow my money on stupid shit then i have to be creative with my financing for the rest of the week. sometimes i eat well, sometimes i eat like shit. i am happy, i am sad, i am mad, i laugh, i cry. things have been the same for a long time. the same. the same. the same.

i need something to change. i need a change. change. change. change.

what? my job? no, unless i win the lottery. i like my job. i love my job to be honest. it can be mundane, frustrating, stressful. it can also be hysterical, i can feel the love that my coworkers have for each other, i can feel that my supervisor cares for us, that our big boss cares for us. it's really nice to feel that. i like my job. i like where i work, it's a really nice building. i really like the people i work with. no, unless i win the lottery, i don't want my job to change.

what? my finances? of course! i always dream of what it would be like to not have to worry about money. i see people all around me that spend money like they have it and i wonder what that would be like. would it make me happier to not have to buy generic all the time, or be able to tell my kids "Sure, we can buy that, throw it in the basket." would i be happy if i drove a car manufactured in this century? if i lived in a nicer place? if i could go on vacation and not have to debate on my mode of transportation or search for the cheapest hotel? of course. i have always wanted my money situation to change, so i don't think that is the change i am sensing. but then again maybe it is...i don't know! if it is, i'll take it as long as its a change for the better. i have been to the bottom and i never want to go back. if i have to be where i am for the rest of my life i'll take it as long as i never have to survive on less. that sucks. been there, done that, don't wanna do it again. but i would take change for the better.

i like where i live. its fairly quiet, its affordable, its convenient to work and shopping, etc. i have never really had the desire to own my own place. sure it would be nice to paint the walls a different color or have carpeting any other color than beige but those are pretty minor things. i would like a garage, but i would probably just have it so loaded with junk that i would still have to park my car outside. i really like where i live. there are lots of deer and bunny's and the ladies in the office are super nice. my neighbors pretty much mind their own business. i guess if i won the lottery i would move up in the world, but until then i'm good where i am.

my love life. yes, i said it. i know how people feel about that. everyone including the object of my affection says i deserve better. better then a man who loves me for everything that i am and has never tried to change me? better then a man who tells me everyday that he loves me and that his heart belongs to me? everyone says our relationship is wrong. love is wrong? i love him. he loves me. no one has ever looked at me the way he does. we have known each other for a long time and strangely enough we love each other more now then we did a year ago. i have tried to break us up deliberately. what more could i do then write to his wife and tell her everything??? i wrote to her CHURCH for crying out loud! & that letter i signed! i tried to break us up and we survived it. he has tried to break us up and we have survived it. he is my best friend. no one has ever understood me like he does. no one have ever tried to understand me like he does. he knows my stupid stories, he doesn't mind when i tell them over & over again like an Alzheimer's patient. he makes me laugh, me makes me cry. if i could ask god or the universe, whatever, for one wish it would be for him to be with me, for us to be together the way i know we deserve to be. that is the one thing i would change. i wouldn't change a thing about him. i would just change his situation to give him the opportunity to be with me, where he belongs. i wouldn't ask for millions or a hot body or a better nose or a mansion to live in or a fancy car or a flat screen TV....i would ask for him to be with me. that is the thing i would change if i could.

but is that the change i can feel coming? i don't know. i still can't put my finger on it. but i can feel it. something is going to be different. i am going to have money, or he and i are going to be together, or i am going to move but not just across town. maybe it will be something else. whatever it is, i can feel it. things are going to be different. in a good way, i can feel that too. how can i tell? because when i think about it, whatever it is, i smile. change is good.

it's not my place

I'm not her mom. Hell, I'm not even her stepmom. I have known her since she was 11 or 12, mostly from a distance for the past 3 years or so. But I love her. I love her so much, probably more then I have the right to. I see where she is going, I recognize it clearly because I've been down that road, and I am afraid for her.

Her dad and stepmom raised her to know right from wrong. They laid a foundation for her that made the world her oyster. She had an incredible opportunity to see the world and have adventures that I have only dreamed of. She was raised to have morals and values, to respect people and herself. Her father taught her discipline, her stepmom nurtured her spiritually. They both showed her how much they loved her. Why now, after leaving their home to go out on her own way, has she forgotten all of that?

I know what it's like to search outside myself for love and acceptance. I think we all do. I think it is more of a rarity to find a person who genuinely loves themselves enough that they can live with or without a significant other, they have enough self-respect to say no when someone wants them to join in a ridiculous adventure that could end in disaster, and they care enough about themselves to listen to people who are older and wiser then them, to learn from their experiences, and to recognize what is good for them or bad for them. I am not one of those people. Correction, I wasn't one of those people. When I was young up until just a few years ago I was constantly on the search for someone to love me, someone to accept me, someone to show me that I deserved to be loved and accepted. It never occurred to me that I was just such a person, that I would find that love and acceptance that I so desperately needed inside myself. I think this is what my young friend is going through and I am helpless to stop it.

I have lectured her (via facebook, both publicly & privately) and argued with her new friends and family that think she is going to be just fine and life is great and swell and filled with rainbows and candy canes. She wants to hear what they have to say. She refuses to listen to those of us that know her...her sister, her uncle, her parents, me. Those of us that know her are dying inside because we are so worried about her. Her new family and friends fill her head with thoughts of romance and houses with white picket fences and smiling laughing babies that never cry or get sick or shit all over the place. That is what she wants to hear. I have tried to tell her that she needs help but I am overwhelmingly cast as the villain by the "everything is gonna be great!" crowd. Because I am not 100% supportive of her, that means I don't love her.

I want to send a message to her "boyfriend" telling him that the world is not all sunshine and lollipops, that having a sex on a daily basis with a girl he barely knows doesn't not mean he is in love with her, and having a baby is the last thing the two of them should be doing. I want to message her and tell her that her dad loves her and if she needed him he would be there for her. I want to drive across country and grab her by the ears, sit her down and yell at her until she snaps out of it.

It's not my place. I'm not her mom. Hell, I'm not even her stepmom. I'm just someone who loves her. What that gives me is the opportunity to gracefully bow out, to let her know, hey if you ever need me I'll be there but I can't stand by and watch you walk down the path I've already been down cuz while I'm ok now, I haven't always been and that path comes dangerously close to the edge. Being someone who loves her lets me let her go.

I love you Moose. I'll be here if you need me.

knocked up

(disclaimer...before reading this, know that I love my children and do not regret my decision to have them on my own. that being said, i hope my kids make better, more thoughtful decisions and do it right, both for themselves and for their children.)

A young lady I love very dearly happily announced that she is going to be a mommy on facebook. That should be a wonderful occasion but to me it brought back memories that I hoped she would never have to live through. You see, she is unwed, has known the father for less then 3 months, is 19 years old, doesn't have a job, isn't in college, etc & so forth. She did graduate from high school so she has that going for her. Unfortunately that's about all she has going for her.

There is a show on television called Teen Mom (or something like that)...I have never watched it nor do I ever plan on watching it. I don't need to watch a "reality" show about what it's like to be a teenage mother, I lived it. While researching statistics I could present to my young friend I came across an article called "The Real Reality of Being a Teen Mom" written by Robyn Margulis on pressofatlanticcity.com that articulated very well what I feel is one of the main reasons why teen girls get knocked up* (besides the obvious). Here is what I believe is the most significant quote from the article:

"The reality T.V. exploitations have, indeed, included some heartfelt mothering moments that demonstrate the pure and dynamic bond between mother and child that is inevitable no matter what the age of the mother. What do you suppose is the result for those insecure teens whose existence is marked by loneliness and a lack of love?

When I was pregnant (as an adult), I remember feeling so special because of the way I was treated by others. For the entire nine months of both pregnancies I recall being treated with kid gloves by friends, family, and strangers who would constantly ask how I was feeling or whether I needed assistance.

Now imagine as a young, impressionable girl who has no support system, but an incessant sense of loneliness and feeling unloved. Suddenly, by becoming pregnant, your existence completely changes: Your friends are treating you like a porcelain doll; your boyfriend (hopefully, if he is still in the picture) is treating you like a queen; ... Heck yeah, where do I sign up?"

When I got knocked up at the age of 19, I too was a high school graduate, I had one year of college under my belt, I was enlisted in the Air Force...my future was mapped out for me. All that changed with a night of unprotected sex with a boy I thought I loved. Needless to say, we didn't get married, as a matter of fact I think the night he was planning to break up with me is the night I told him I was in trouble. Maybe 21 years ago it was different but I was so ashamed of myself, I remember crying and crying when I got the results of the pregnancy test. I was so scared, I had no idea what I was going to do. I was so terrified to tell my parents (my mother still believed that I was a virgin...things have sure changed in a couple decades). If there had been facebook when I was 19 I most certainly wouldn't be proudly proclaiming that I was going to be joining the ranks of unwed mothers living on welfare and other government assistance. I love my children so much and I am extremely proud of the man my son has grown to be, but having lived through it I know what kind of challenges she is going to face. If she could see into her future and the future of her unborn child, she would not be rejoicing, she would be panicking. She hasn't ruined her life but "her" life as she knows it is over. Everything that she does is going to be that much harder. Her idea of becoming a dental hygienist, while still possible, is going to be so much more difficult and stressful and will more then likely come 2nd to the baby. Her days of drinking and smoking and being a carefree young woman are over. Being able to do whatever you want whenever you want...kiss those days bye-bye my dear young friend.

I suppose my lectures are a wee bit too late since she is already knocked up. Her baby-daddy posted on facebook that she didn't plan this...I'm sorry boy-who-has-known-her-for-less-then-3-months, I'm afraid to tell you but yes, she did plan it. If a young unmarried woman isn't on the pill or some other sort of birth control, and is having unprotected sex with a boy she barely knows, she planned on getting knocked up. If you aren't trying to prevent an "unplanned pregnancy" by taking the proper precautions, you are planning to get pregnant. I can say this from experience. I look back on the dumb kid I was when I got knocked up with my son and I wasn't using protection, I wasn't on the pill, and I was having sex with a boy I barely knew. What the hell else did I think was going to happen? I had a driver's ed teacher a long time ago who said "Accidents don't happen. Somewhere along that road, someone did something, whether unintentional or not, that caused a collision". Accidental pregnancies don't happen. Wait, maybe they do: if a married woman who is taking birth control and whose husband uses a condom and pulls out gets pregnant, that's pretty close to being an accident. But they were still having sex! If you are an otherwise healthy person who hasn't had their tubes tied or their balls cut off, the only sure way to not get pregnant is to not have sex (immaculate conception doesn't count!).

I'm really sorry, but I just can't find it in me to congratulate the young couple on their upcoming bundle of joy. Nor can I rejoice in the amount of young girls that think having a baby is going to solve their loneliness and feelings of not being loved. Let me tell you from experience, when the friends are gone and the guy is gone and you're sitting in your subsidised apartment at 3 o'clock in the morning with a screaming baby, you will understand loneliness and feeling unloved. The only thing I can do is wish them luck. I hope they are as lucky as I am and their child grows up to be the kind of man my son is. I'm still working on my daughter, but with perseverance and strength I will show her that she is loved and it is ok and normal to feel lonely sometimes, and that she doesn't have to search outside of herself for anything, she has everything she needs inside. God help me, please.


*I'm sorry, but I try to reserve the term "pregnant" to women who are emotionally & financially stable enough to handle a baby, who are either in a committed relationship or have planned to have a baby on their own because the relationship thing never panned out, knowing full well the difficulty they will face raising a child by themselves. when you have unprotected sex and find yourself missing your period as a result, you're knocked up.

hope floats, but so does shit

How is it that I have lost all hope of ever having the kind of life with him (or anyone else) that I have dreamt of for so long, yet I am so completely incapable of letting go?
He still has hope: hope of a life with me, hope of being in each other's lives, hope of sharing our love and our hearts with each other from now until the end of time. Is he full of shit, am I stupid for believing him, or does he really love me and dreams of being with me, somehow, someday, even if its 9-10 years from now when his youngest daughter graduates high school and he can feel free to leave his wife (or be released from his prison, as he states it)?
I'm not stupid & I truly do not believe he is full of shit. I have been involved with men where I have been fooled at the beginning but have eventually recognized them for what kind of men they truly were, whether that be abusive, lazy, a drug addict, a leech, a player or straight-up asshole. It is when that recognition finally takes place that I have been able to let go & walk away without the slightest glance back and been able to look forward to the future. In the past, while involved with a man I have always found other men interesting, attractive, tempting, sexy, etc. I have had moments of temptation and weakness where it would have been very easy to cheat on the man I was involved with. I have flirted with other men, I have even kissed other men while being in a relationship. I have never gone so far as to sleep with someone while committed to someone else, but the thought has definitely crossed my mind.

Since we met, none of these things have happened to me. I have found other men interesting but only mildly. I had a bit of a crush on a coworker who had a nice ass but when I realized that's ALL he had the crush ended. I have noticed very attractive, sexy men (I'm not DEAD) but none have been as attractive or sexy to me as he is. I have heard lines in poems and songs and romantic movies that say, "when we met there was suddenly no one else for me" but I could never relate to that. Now I can.

I wish I was just being stupid. I wish I could tell that he was being dishonest or manipulative. I wish he was using me. If he was, eventually I would realize that and I would tell him where to go, I would move on without a look behind me and I would start looking forward to the future. The only future I see is one with him in it. I can't see a future without him. When I try all I see is a snowy screen with white noise.
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In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments. ~Friedrich Nietzsche, Human, All Too Human, 1878


In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

i want one person to know

"I am in love with this woman, I have been for the last 7 years."
It's what I've always wanted to hear him say in front of people. He didn't for the longest time. For many years we were "friends" to everyone outside of us. I didn't bullshit anyone, I told everyone as soon as I realized how much he meant to me, what he meant to me. Not him. It hasn't been until recently that he has started admitting to others what he feels for me. He said this the other night to a friend of his. Later, when we were alone, we were talking about our present state of affairs (pun intended) and he said, "I said I was in love with you in front of *name omitted for his protection*. Doesn't that tell you how much you mean to me?" "Yes, it does. But you haven't admitted to the one person I want to know more then anyone else in this world what I mean to you. Does she know that you are in love with me?"
He said, "She knows I love you."
"Does she know you are IN LOVE with me?"
"She knows I love you."
"Tell me exactly how it came about that she knows that you love me? How did you tell her? (I already knew, I just wanted to know if there was more then just the one occasion) Was it after she got the letter when she was interrogating you about me?"
"Yes, she said, 'What does she mean to you, do you love her? And I said 'Yeah"."

:/

I want the world to know how he feels about me. I want him to shout it from the roof tops, announce it on Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve, publish it in the New York Times, pay oodles of money for a 15 second spot during the Super Bowl letting the world know that he is in love with me. But if none of that can happen, I would die happy if SHE knew he was in love with me, and not via second hand knowledge or rumor or happening upon a blog written by a crazy woman. I want him to look into her eyes and say "I am IN LOVE with her".

Is that cruel? I suppose it is. Sometimes the truth can be cruel. Believe me, I know all about that. The truth of knowing that despite "being in love with me" he still hasn't left her for me is pretty fucking cruel. The truth that even though she knows all about me and his affair, she stays and, as far as I can tell, has no real plans on leaving is cruel. But being cruel isn't my only motivation in wanting to hear him admit it to her. I need the validation. Yes, that is a bullshit thing and I'm not proud of it, but I need to be validated. My love for him and his love for me, our relationship, it may as well never have existed if she lives the rest of her life not knowing that he is in love with me. Yes, I'm going to hell for that, but at least I won't have to see her there.

(disclaimer: all feelings are subject to change. nothing is permanent. one may feel one way on any given day, this does not in any way imply that said person will not feel differently on a different day.)

dog's purpose (i copied this from an email, i couldn't resist)

Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old)

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why.''
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.
He said,''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?''
The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

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this is me now :)
When i was young, from a preteen through my early 20's, we had a black lab mix named Cindy. Our house was surrounded by farm land, at least 80 acres where she could run around chasing rabbits and squirrels, an occasional skunk. There was a ditch road that went for miles and one of the greatest pleasures I had was walking along that ditch road with Cindy for a couple hours as she ran to the river and back, jumping in and out of the ditch, running way ahead of me then looking back to make sure I was still coming. That dog would run!!! If we were outside, she was on the go! In the summer after a thunderstorm had rumbled through, a huge mud puddle would always take over the drive way and she loved just flopping down in that puddle, belly down, back legs outstretched behind her...she would have the dopiest look on her face but we all knew she was having a fantastic time!

Cindy lived a long, happy life. We put her down when she was about 14 years old; she couldn't see very well, she could barely hear, she had a very hard time walking...but no matter how much she hurt if she heard the word WALK that girl's tail was waggin and she headed for the door! Cindy was an amazing friend. I was a teenager so of course I was going through a great deal of teenaged angst, crying over a crush or fighting with my mom, disappointed over a lost ball game, mad because I couldn't watch Miami Vice! The world was ending every other day! If Cindy saw me crying she wasn't having it, she would come over to me & lick my face until I stopped! I would push her away, tell her to leave me alone, but she wouldn't stop until I stopped crying and started laughing. She was a good girl.

We had other dogs, Cookie and Milo, both wonderful dogs in their own ways. We got Cookie, another Lab mix, while Cindy was still alive. We wanted her to train him before she left us! She did a great job, he too loved to run! A couple years after she passed away, Cookie, Milo & I were on a walk down that same ditch road. Those two dogs were pretty lazy compared to ole Cindy. Both of them were huffin and puffin, laying in the shade every chance they got. I said, "Boy, you two lazy dogs couldn't keep up with Cinderella! She woulda been to the river & back before you two even left the yard!" (yes, i talk to my dogs like they are humans!) Just then, I felt something brush by my leg and rush passed me. I knew instantly that it was Cindy! I said outloud to the lolly-gaggers, "See, there she goes now!!" I felt her spirit run passed me like she had never stopped running, never slowing down, with all the enthusiam and happiness that she had when she was young. It was a moment I will never forget.

I absolutely love this: ''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?'' The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long." That is the truth!

Live life like a DOG! lol!

gray & white sweater

stupid kid. when a reasonably attractive older woman hits on you, go for it.

jackass.

facing my pain

Writing my blog yesterday helped me. I felt better by releasing some of my pent up pain and angst. I was able to get dressed, go work out, watch a DVD with my daughter, laugh. I slept well, the dogs actually let me sleep until 8am! Then, this morning as I sat sipping my cinnamon vanilla coffee, the quiet hit me. I realized yesterday was his wife's birthday.

Yesterday I was in this Catch-22 of emotions, grateful to him for listening to me and leaving me alone, but sad that he hadn't contacted me despite my asking him to leave me alone (he hasn't done a very good job of following my wishes previous to this). This morning it dawned on me that yesterday was her birthday and he has NEVER contacted me on her birthday, not in over 7 years. So now my confused and emotionally compromised mind is throwing out ugly thoughts of "of course he didn't text you or make up some excuse to come and see you, yesterday was all about her! It had nothing to do with you, he was making her day special, making her feel like she's the only girl for him, making her feel wonderful and oh so lucky to have such a loving husband and family, just as he has for the last however long they've been together! Even if you hadn't told him to leave you alone as long as he is still married he wouldn't have texted you or called you yesterday! Yesterday was about preserving the illusion of a life he has by restoring her love for him". Of course, I have absolutely no idea if any of these thoughts are true, but they sure feel just about right.

Holding painful emotions inside is what causes people to get sick. Trying to avoid painful experiences by either ignoring them, pretending like they never happened, telling everyone you are OK when you're not, burying them deep inside...these are the things that cause cancer and high blood pressure and obesity and heart disease, etc. I believe this anyway. I truly believe, and this is coming from my experiences only, that the best way to get over something is to look at it, examine it, feel it, experience it, no matter how painful or sorrowful that may be, however difficult the process is. I have done the Catholic thing and tried to confess my sins hoping that whatever I did would just go away by saying 10 Our Fathers and 22 Acts of Contrition. I have done the "Oh hell no, I'm fine, I ain't gonna let that jackass hurt me! Hells NO!" only to fall to the bathroom floor either puking my guts out from drinking too much or nearly turning into a meth head. I have run away hoping to leave the man and all of my heartache behind. I have tried to destroy the man that I saw as the cause of all my pain. I have slept with a different guy every Saturday night hoping that maybe, just maybe this Mr. Saturday night would be the one to save me from all the heartache and pain I suffered at the hands of all the previous Mr. Saturday nights. I've overeaten, I've drank too much, I've experimented with drugs, I've driven wrecklessly, I've been hateful and ugly to people who love me, I have alienated myself from family and friends, etc. Short of therapy, I think I've done it all. I've even been on depression meds, which sucked, let me tell you. What they did was basically turn me into an emotionless blob. No thanks! The only times I have felt better is when I have written about how I was feeling. I have several journals that are filled with page after page of "why do I do this, I'm not doing this anymore, I choose happiness, I love me...blah blah blah". While writing in my journals have helped, I was fooling myself in the crap I was writing, obviously. If I am still feeling the way I felt 4, 5, 6 years ago, obviously I didn't stop doing this, I didn't choose happiness. I was lying to myself. The temporary relief I felt was me trying to buy into my own lie. I'm not buying anything now, I'm too broke.

This is what I'm gonna do: I'm going to write in this blog, on the Internet where anyone who wants to read it can. Maybe no one will ever read it. Maybe his wife will read it (passive aggressive much?). Either way, this is for me and for anyone else who has buried their emotions, ignored their heartache, pretended like they were just fine when they weren't. We have all been hurt. We have all felt disappointment. I am going to try to see if releasing my hurt and disappointment through this medium will help me recover from it. I want to move on. I want to be OK. I don't want to cry anymore. Maybe writing about my emotional roller coaster will help me. Maybe it will help someone else. It's gonna be depressing and ridiculous and I'm gonna shake my head at myself sometimes...but hopefully someday I will say something funny and make someone laugh, make myself laugh.

Face my pain, that's what I'm gonna do. It's worth a shot.

this is why it hurts

We met when I was in the middle of leaving a relationship and he was in the process of defending himself against the false accusations and charges she had pressed against him in an attempt to ruin his career & his life. He was separated from the woman i know now was his wife, still is. He lived in one town, the same town as me, and she lived in another. He told me he wasn't married, that she was just the mother of a couple of his kids and that he felt obligated to take care of her, for that reason only. He swore to me that he had never made any promises to her, that he had never stood in front of anyone and promised her to be faithful. He said they were not legally married. i believed him. i never set out to be an adulteress. even when he moved her into his tiny apartment i believed him. by then of course it was too late, i was already madly in love with him. I didn't plan on falling in love, it was the last thing i wanted. i remember the day i told him i loved him, he was parked outside my house and i was sitting in the door jam of his car, we were talking and laughing and he looked at me with those deep, incredible eyes and said "I'm going to make you fall in love with me." I said "I already have."

No one had ever made me feel the way he made me feel...still to this day I feel like that same girl when i see him, despite everything we've been through. He is my soul, not just my soul mate, but my soul. He makes me laugh, he has helped me see myself differently, I see the beauty that he has always told me is there. He has allowed me to be who I am, he has never tried to change me. He has never shied away from the love i have to give like so many other men in my life have. The first time he told me he was in love with me, not just I love you, but I am IN Love with you, it didn't surprise me at all, I told him "I know, I've known for along time that you are just as much in love with me as I am with you."

I know that alot of people, my friends & family especially, see him as this asshole who has caused me nothing but pain and heartache and they want nothing more then for me to just turn my back and walk away, get over it, move on, meet someone new (the best way to get over someone to get under someone)...I understand where they are coming from. It's my fault that they see him that way because I have tended to talk about the bad stuff alot; the pain of coming in last place to his wife and family, the loneliness of being in love with someone who is committed to another woman, the separation i feel when i go to family gatherings & special occasions and he isn't there with me, etc. All of those feelings are very true; i have cried alot, so much more then i have ever cried before. But I see now that the reason it hurts so much is because i have never felt so loved before. One man came pretty close, and he too i could see myself with for the rest of my life, but that didn't work out the way I'd hoped either. For the better part of a decade i have felt love, friendship, acceptance, encouragement, & so much more. That is why his choosing to stay married (& after 7 1/2 years i finally got the truth out of him, they ARE legally married, they did get a marriage license, they did say vows to each other; he had maintained his lie about never marrying her for so long but it never felt true to me), for what he says is the sake of the children, instead of leaving her for me hurts so much. If a shadow of doubt ever entered my mind, if i ever for an instant thought, he doesn't love me, he never has...i wouldn't be crying myself to sleep or having to go to the restroom to settle myself down before i fall into hysterical tears at work. If i ever thought that his feelings for me weren't genuine, i guarantee you i would be over him as fast as i could pick dog poop out of my shoe. i love very deeply, but when i realize that someone doesn't love me the way i love them, I'm done. this time i am so far from done that it scares me.

I have told him several times in the last few months to leave me alone as long as he is still married to her. i am weak when it comes to him and i have fallen back into his arms many times since November (that's when i opened Pandora's box for me and for his wife, but she doesn't seem to care that she now knows the truth). I have tried and tried to stay away from him but it is nearly impossible. As i sit here today, i feel like i am dying inside because i haven't heard from him. This was usually our time, the couple of hours we were able to spend together each week uninterrupted. I saw him earlier this week and she called while we were having a perfectly wonderful, funny conversation and it ruined everything for me, for what felt like the final time. i very angrily told him to go home to his wife and leave me alone until he is divorced, that everything is screaming at me the he is doing whatever he can do to salvage what is left of their marriage (despite his arguments to the contrary) and that he is kissing her ass so that she won't leave him (i added, i hope you spend the rest of your life taking care of all of her wants and needs because that's all he seems to care about. i told you i was mad!), and i think he finally listened to me, which makes me hurt even more! i told him how much it hurt every time we are together she has to call, every time he leaves me to go home to her it feels like a part of my heart is being ripped out of my chest (kinda like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, that movie freaks me out!). I feel like that every time i see him and he has to leave, even if its when he just drops by for 5 minutes. he tells me, i am not going home to her, i am going home to my children. ya know, that doesn't comfort me at all. she gets to be in his life everyday, she has his last name, she gets to portray herself as the "Marine Wife" (give me a fucking break, she knows nothing about what its like to be married to someone in the military, he was out of the Corps long before they met. i know more about that being a sister of 4 brothers in the military and now the Mom of a Marine), she gets to see him before she falls asleep every night and she gets to see him every morning when she wakes up, she goes on vacation with him and grocery shopping with him, she has the pleasure of sitting next to him on the couch watching movies...she has everything i have ever dreamed of. he says, yes, but you have my heart. that's really touching but i can't snuggle up to your heart at night.

how am i supposed to let go of the one thing i have wanted in my life more then anything else in this world (my kids don't count in this equation, they are completely an entity all their own and THEY ARE the MOST important things in the world to me, they are what is keeping me alive right now)? how do i let go of this man, the one man besides my dad who has never judged me, never tried to change me, never called me fat or ugly or put conditions on his relationship with me. how i am supposed to accept that despite his being madly in love with me he can't be with me the way he wants to because of his kids (his thought process, not mine!)? he has told me that if the universe were different he and i would be married, he says he has dreamt of us getting married and having the kind of life I have always wanted with him. he says being away from me is the worst thing he has ever felt. yet here i sit, alone. he says he loves me more then he has ever loved any woman, yet here i sit...

this is what i have to figure out. i have to try to find a way to let go. every single day i struggle for a reason to get up, for a reason to go to work, to go work out, to eat, to breath. right now like i said earlier, Kyle & Taylor are that reason. my friends are helping me, god bless them. i don't want people to be afraid for me...somewhere, somehow i still have the tiniest notion that someday this life may be worth all the pain i am going through right now. i am not about to give up, i promise. but i hurt. i will hurt for a long time. i honestly feel like i will never get over him. who knows? i love him and i will forever. maybe someday god, the universe, fate, whatever, will bring a man into my life that is willing to do whatever it takes to keep me. until then, alone i trudge, trying so hard to not think every footstep i hear is his, every car door i hear close is him coming to see me, every motorcycle is him riding up to take me on a cruise thru the mountains, every high & tight i see in the distance is him, every Envoy or Volvo is him, every everything is him........................................................