Jealousy is a bitch!

I am really a jealous little bitch sometimes.

I'm jealous of skinny girls.
I'm jealous of people in "normal" relationships.
I'm jealous of people who can afford the things that I cannot.
I'm jealous of people who have cable.
I'm jealous of people who are laughing and having a good time while I am all grouchy and cranky and pissy.
I'm jealous of my dog, well, because he's a dog!
I'm jealous of my brothers and their seemingly perfect lives.
I'm jealous of girls who get out of one relationship and are immediately in another.
I'm jealous of people who are either engaged, married, & yes, divorced because if they are divorced at least someone, at one time, found them worthy of marrying.

I'm sure I could go on & on.

Jealousy is insidious and sometimes, for me, it is one of the most difficult feelings to fight. Please don't confuse my feelings of jealousy with hate. I don't like the word "hate", I try very hard not to express that particular feeling toward anything or anyone. I may say, "I hate that..." but that's just a knee-jerk reaction. When I take a close look at what I said I hated, I see that I don't really "hate" it, it was just my other emotions expressing themselves. Hate is much easier for me to let go of than jealousy. Most of the people that I find myself feeling jealous over I absolutely love with all my heart & soul! That's probably why it bothers me so much when I come face to face with the fact that my thoughts and feelings that I have been so confused about are based in jealousy.

The last few months I have been angry, irritable, moody, lazy, uncaring, feeling rather defeated, etc & so forth. I was wondering if maybe I needed to go to the Dr. & get some prescription help because I haven't been able to snap myself out of this pile of crap I'm in. I have been travelling down the path of self-discovery for a very long time. I have read just about every book about self-love and spirituality, the power of positive thoughts, & the power of attraction. I remember what it was like to read "Conversations With God" the first time and how much I cried because I thought, "This is IT!!! This is the answer to ALL the questions I have ever had!" When that feeling faded I read "Return to Love" & felt all those feelings again. When those feelings faded I read some other book about something positive & self-helpy, maybe that was the Quantum Physics phase, or maybe it was "The Secret". I'm not sure. Now it seems everyone around me is discovering all the feelings that I discovered for myself 10 years ago, and I'm friggin jealous of them! They are quoting wonderfully positive things to each other and telling everyone they see how beautiful & amazing & wonderful they are and I want to throw up. The BIG green monster of jealousy is rearing its ugly head and trying to knock me off the path, it is holding me back so I am eating the dust of those around me that have found the path and are charging down it like Spartans. The only thing is, until this morning, I had no idea why I was so irritated by them, why all the wonderful, kind, positive things that they are saying was bothering me so much. I have said ALL those things, to myself and to friends & family in trying to encourage them to join me on my path to a more positive, enlightened me. But dude, seriously, omg, hearing it every day has been seriously getting under my skin!

See what I mean when I say I'm a jealous little bitch sometimes?

Jealousy robs us of our selves. It blocks the positive energy that is being sent to us from others. It makes our perception of things so distorted that we can't tell what is real & what is just a figment of our imagination. It tries to make us look outside ourselves for reasons as to why our life sucks, it tries to find blame in everyone other then ourselves. It looks at only the negative in life. It does everything it can to keep us from seeing anything positive about anything! Jealousy is a product of the ego, and the ego is a conniving, ugly, blameless, selfish little shit that desires nothing but for us to remain miserable, angry and empty, all under the guise of pride and self-preservation. Jealousy truly is a monster, but it is a monster that can be defeated. The secret weapon is simply facing it.

This morning all I could think about was how irritated I was at just about everything. I can't even put my finger on the moment I realized that I was feeling jealous. It was so subtle, almost like a whisper in my ear. That little whisper was just enough because I see it now, and while I am not fully released from its grasp, I know what I need to do. I see you, you little green jerk. I recognize you, I know what you are doing. It's cute how hard you try to destroy me, but you can't! I hope you enjoyed the party, cuz it's over now. I know you'll be back, so until we meet again, I don't need you anymore.