Creative Consciousness

Wow...I can't think of how to start....let me just say that I am looking at the world very differently lately. I was getting so bogged down with self-pity and loathing. I would complain about people being negative but I think I was one of the most negative people I knew! I can't say what day I decided to be different but it's been within the last month or so. It doesn't really matter, does it? Trying to figure out what day my attitude and thus my life changed is like trying to figure out when the Universe started. It doesn't matter when it started, all that matters is that it did! I have never felt so connected to the Universe before. A few years back when I was in my self-improvement stage I thought I was connected, but it didn't feel like this! I thought I was ready back then but I wasn't because I gave it up too quickly. I may have changed on the surface but deep inside I was still clinging to my ego and my desire to be miserable. My desire to be miserable....I bet a lot of people know exactly what I am talking about. My need to be miserable, my fear of being happy was unconscious but it was very strong. I could get myself to feel pretty good (my idea of happy was feeling pretty good) but it never lasted long and it was so weak, the slightest little bump in the road could send me into a tailspin. I gave up. I shelved my self-improvement books, I didn't go to the Spirituality section in the book store anymore, I stopped appreciating what I had and concentrated so much on what I didn't have, 100% convinced that I would never have it. I made fun of all the positive posts on fb and quietly judged the people around me that were actively trying to be more positive. My life is good: I live in a decent apartment, I have a good job that I really love, I have a good car, I have friends and family that I can depend on, I have more now then I ever have and I have been more stable for the last 5 years then I have ever been. Despite the good in my life I just didn't see it. It was like I had poop-colored glasses on instead of rose-colored glasses. I bought the book The Secret when it first came out, maybe 6 years ago? I watched the movie. I read all the Conversation with God books. I was trying so hard to apply the Law of Attraction to my life and it worked now & then, but I just couldn't figure out why money wasn't falling out of the sky and why my pos car was still in the driveway instead of a brand new Audi A4. I was constantly disappointed when I would ask for something, try to manifest it, and it didn't appear instantly before my eyes. I found it very difficult to ACT wealthy while I was shopping and had to make sure I knew exactly how much money I was spending and that 90% of the food in the cart was store brand. "Act as if you already have everything you desire" is what The Secret was telling me. Ok, how do I do that when I'm behind on my rent, behind on my utility bill, I have no gas to get to work, etc? But I must have missed the message back then. I wasn't ready to receive it or my negative thoughts and feelings were blocking the true message from getting through. It isn't about ACTING like you already have what you desire. It is about feeling the feeling that you will have when you do have what you desire, feel that feeling NOW! Emotions are the key. When you are upset, nervous, irritated, sad, pissed off, grouchy, when you don't want to talk to anyone or do anything, when you say "I just don't care anymore", you are in a negative state. You are putting negativity out into the Universe and the Universe is sending it back to you. You get what you send out. It's like sending yourself a letter. If I write myself an ugly letter filled with yuck and hate and poop and sadness and boohoo meeeee, that is the letter I am going to get in my mailbox! The feeling that I get when I open a letter like that is yuckie, hateful, poopy, sad, etc. Can I blame the mailman for delivering that sort of letter to me? It's not his fault! I wrote it, I put it in the envelope, I addressed it to myself, and I put the stamp on it and sent it out! The mailman is just the messenger, it's not his fault what he's delivering! Not to mention the fact that I know what's in the letter yet I waste so much energy dreading it's arrival, then act surprised and upset when it gets to me with it's pages fully of yuck and ugliness. It really is a vicious cycle, a silly cycle, but it isn't an endless cycle. I can rewrite the letter at anytime! That's what I did, I burned the ugly letter and wrote myself a new one! I am so grateful for my life, every aspect of my life. Every tough time, easy time, every day that I thought I couldn't make it, every day that I couldn't wait for the day to start, every person who has ever been kind to me and every person who has ever hurt me (and vice versa!)! I mediate using free guided meditations on youtube. I say affirmations everyday, Taylor and I even made what I call "affirmation beads" together. They are like rosary beads only much cooler and without the cross. I added symbols that are meaningful to me! I write in my journal. I am reading a really cool book called The Divine Matrix by Gregg Braden. It's about Quantum Physics and how we are all connected to everything, we are part of the Universe and we are the Universe. I have been reading about the Law of Attraction again. I've been reading Wendy Betterini, she has this website http://www.opentoprosperity.com and it is written so simply. I've also been to a couple of guided meditations with a friend from work and those have been just incredible! I've had a couple emotional bumps and a couple strange experiences but I have been able to center myself much easier then ever before. I find myself smiling a lot! If I do get upset I face it, I experience it, then I let it go. That ALONE is life changing! I've also realized that abundance comes in many forms, it isn't just about money. To attract more abundance into my life I imagine what it will feel like to have everything I desire and I let myself feel that feeling now! It's so simple! Just take a second to imagine what it will feel like to, oh let's say, win the lottery. Your heart starts to pound as you realize that your numbers match all the numbers in the drawing, you start smiling, laughing, maybe even crying! You are more excited then you have ever been in your entire life! Can you feel it? While you are feeling that feeling, be grateful for what you already have! I grew up Catholic. We went to church almost every Sunday. I made my first communion, I was even confirmed. But I quit going to church as soon as I was old enough to decide for myself. It never felt true in my heart. I was pretty ugly towards any sort of religious person for a while, especially against Catholics and Christians. I really don't know why other then I was judging them. Anyway, I still remember the part of mass where the priest is preparing the bread and wine. The congregation participates in this part of the mass by saying "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you. Only say the word and I shall be healed." I was thinking about that recently and I was struck by this thought, "No WONDER I have self-esteem issues and think that I don't deserve the blessings that this world has to offer! Every Sunday I blindly repeated to myself and everyone around me that I wasn't worthy of God's love! I proclaimed it to GOD HIMSELF!!" In that instant I said out loud, "I AM worthy to receive you, Thank you for saying the word for I have been healed!" It changed my life. We all are worthy of "God's" love, whomever your God is. Have a beautiful day! But if it's a crummy day, just for a minute try to feel what it would feel like if it WAS a beautiful day! I bet you smile! I LOVE YOU! http://www.gofundme.com/24gcfg