i wish i could put my finger on the one thing that is bothering me so much lately. unfortunately, i think there is alot more then just one thing bothering me. regardless of what those things are, what i am struggling with right now is why am i letting these things bother me?
life is full of a multitude of people, objects, ideas, happenings, occassions, etc that at times can move through our lives without even a second glance from us, then at other times get under our skin like a splinter that we just can't reach, no matter how deep we dig. that's what i'm doing now, digging and digging and digging, trying to reach the friggin splinter that is pissing me off, irritating me, bugging me...but no matter how deep i stick that needle i am not going to get to it, or i'll just push the splinter deeper and deeper.
so, what the heck is so terrible about the splinter(s) that i can't let it go and just let it come to the surface by itself? nothing really. same old stuff, different year.
money: here it is, a couple days after pay day and i have less then a hundred bucks to my name to last the next two weeks. whose fault is that? mine. i have very little savings. money goes in one pocket and out the other. a simple solution to my monthly problem is putting money into a savings account, which i am now doing, but $25 a month isn't going to build up very quickly nor will it last very long if i ever had to dig into it...it's a pretty small bucket right now. looking at the positive side: my rent is paid, my monthly bills are paid, and i DO have a tiny bit in savings, that's a start. also, i'm pretty darn good at living on nothing! no reason this splinter should be getting to me, it barely exists.
my love life: jesus christ, now that's a joke. pure and simple, i'm an idiot. i continue year after year, month after month, week after week, day after day to be in a relationship that is a long lonely walk around an empty lake with no end in sight. i have no one to blame. i can't blame him. i have only myself to point a finger at and say, you are lonely because you choose to be lonely. i hold onto my loneliness like it's a security blanket. it covers me and protects me from the world, it keeps me warm, its familiar and soft, comforting. if i were to let go of my security blanket, my loneliness, i would be unprotected, i would be vulnerable and open to the chance of rejection. to be honest, the thought of putting myself out there, making myself available to new people, having to go through the dance of getting to know someone...that makes me want to puke. i don't want to get to know anyone new. i don't care how many kids you have, what you like to do, what your favorite color is, if you chew with your mouth open or if you snore, if you're a dog person or a cat person (ok, THAT i care about...gotta be dog all the way!). so, i grip tighter and tighter to my blanket, i wrap it around me closer and closer, i hide my face in it, and i wallow in my loneliness. no point in digging at this splinter anymore because its obvious even to me that i enjoy the pain.
maybe i'm just bored. i have never really had roots. i've likened myself to more of a tumbleweed, a rambling rose, a rolling stone. i like my job and i've been there longer then i've ever been at any other position, ever. i love where i live, i really have no desire to move again. still that need to roam is growing stronger and stronger. i've been to california twice this year, so i don't think a vacation will help. i really don't know what will help me clear my mind right now. besides, boredom is more of an itch that you can't scratch then a splinter, but it has the same annoying qualities.
so here i am: broke, lonely by choice, and bored out of my goard. i know life has its cycles, its ups and downs, its parties and its quiet times. this time of splinters will pass and i will find my way again. until then....wah wah wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
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