I've starting to get less irritated when thoughts of particular people come into my head, or a certain thought repeats itself over and over, or a line from a song plays again and again and again, ringing in my ears with it's mysterious message, waiting for me to give it the attention needed to figure out what it's trying to tell me. I'm learning to stop and listen to that thought or song because the sooner I pay attention to it, the sooner I can figure out what it's message is.
One such "random" thought popped into the forefront of my mind today as I was trying to concentrate on anything other then my Dad and what he is going through. As I was attempting to be in the moment by feeling each brush stroke through my hair and sensing the smoothness of my skin under my fingers as I gently spread my facial lotion on, I heard her voice saying "For someone who doesn't believe in God you sure were screaming his name pretty loudly." My hands dropped from my face to the sink and I looked at my reflection and said "Really? You're gonna bring that bitch up NOW?" I quickly retracted the term of endearment and allowed the memory surrounding this question to come through.
It was last summer and my daughter and I had the great pleasure of going to Lake Powell with the "family that I used to consider my second family but now I try very hard not to consider at all". I am not being sarcastic when I refer to it as a great pleasure: it was fantastic! Lake Powell is a beautiful place, the weather was perfect, the water was amazing, and I felt very fortunate to be experiencing such a great weekend. I was out on the tube with my daughter and my two "nieces" being towed behind the boat at what seemed like break-neck speeds. We were being flung from side to side, over the waves and back again. I was holding on for dear life and screaming "Oh Goooooodddddddd!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs! I was having the time of my life! Sure I was scared, but not because I thought I was going to die. I hadn't been tubing for a very long time and the amount of adrenaline pumping through my veins was enough to kill an elephant! Well, maybe not, but I was having a blast! I wasn't screaming "Oh God" because I was praying to "God" to save me from a life-threatening situation. I was screaming it because it's what I do. Believe me, I scream "Oh God" for a LOT of different reasons...for example, the other night I was watching a particularly frightening episode of Ghost Hunters & cried out "Oh my God!" a couple of times! Dirty minds! My point is, even the most adamant of Atheists' uses the term "Oh God" or "Oh my God" or "OMG" several times a day, that doesn't mean they are calling on God. Devout followers of the Ten Commandments would say using this phrase in this way is a sin...yeah, whatever. I don't feel that way so that has no validity for me. I was having an amazing time experiencing something I hadn't done in many years and probably wouldn't do again for many more, and in my excitement and yes, fear, I yelled "Oh Goooooooodddddddddddddd!!!!" very loudly. After being catapulted from the tube and somersaulting over the surface like a skipping stone, I was dragged back onto the boat to catch my breath and remove water from my lungs. This is when the ever-so-kind statement "For someone who doesn't believe in God you sure were screaming his name pretty loudly" was made by the matriarch of the family in the most condescending tone you could imagine.
Now, my question is "Why did this memory pop into my head this morning as I was trying to clear my mind from any thoughts of my Dad's situation?" I still don't know why. I don't know why she continues to pop into my head, going against every effort I have made to never think of her again. I was going through this internal dialog as I continued to get ready for work and realized that there must be some unfinished business to attend to with her and her family and therefore I continue to experience their surprise appearances in my thoughts and dreams. I don't know what the unfinished business is or else I would certainly finish it. Until then I will welcome the random thoughts about her and her three offspring with open arms. Actually I have been trying something lately that has worked wonders: each night before falling asleep I say "I banish the ________ family from my dreams" and I don't dream about them. I know it works because the nights that I forget to say that, they inevitably make an appearance.
You may be wondering how I responded to her statement that day on the boat. I was pretty water-logged and upset because I had lost my glasses in my tumble over the surface of Lake Powell (I know, I know, I shouldn't have been wearing them! Sheesh!). I was checking to make sure I hadn't lost my liver or any of my teeth out in the water so I can't recall exactly what I told her, something like "I never said I don't believe in God. I believe in God very much, just not the Bible-totting, judgmental & punishing God that most people believe in." I don't think the conversation went on very long. This morning I started going through the whole litany of things I SHOULD have said, like "I believe in God more then you do! At least I don't fake it at every holiday dinner and stumble through an awkward prayer thanking our Heavenly Father for the corn when all I really want to say is "It was the aliens!"" or "When's the last time YOU screamed OH God like that?" I stopped my thoughts after allowing a few good jabs to come up, then silently forgave her for being who she is. I look back on that trip now and I release the hatefulness she was expressing and hold onto the gift of the sunset on Lake Powell and the warmth of the water and the wonder of the rock walls as they rise out of the dark blue water. What a weekend it was! Places like that, days like that are perfect examples to me that there is a God, and I am very thankful that I got to experience it.
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